Abandoned Reverence
Author's Note: I just had the most awesome time! Last weekend I went to this Christian winter camp up in the mountains where I got to see snow for the first time this year! I tell you it's never really Christmas for me until I've seen snow, so, MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL YOU GUYS!!! They have this really scary thing up there called `the Plank,' it's basically a plank built on top of a four story rock and you jump free-fall style from the top of it (don't worry, you're harnessed in). The scary thing about this is that _you_ know you're strapped in, but your body doesn't know and it sort of freezes on the spot when you walk to the very edge of this thing and look down-a long way down. I went off it backwards (hey, at least I wasn't looking at the ground). Before I go into the actual jump, I want to first of all tell you why I am so deathly afraid of heights. Do you ever have dreams that happen maybe once a month but is scary enough to leave you hanging until the dream comes again?
(If you haven't, don't worry; sometimes I think my imagination gets just a little carried away.) Well, that dream goes like this: at first all is very calm and I am at peace. Many times I will be younger and playing with a few other kids. We are climbing up this small hill, laughing and playing, when suddenly the hill isn't so little anymore. I will be halfway to the top when the hill becomes a cliff-one with a sheer drop. My legs are so little that I can't get a good hold and slip right off that cliff down into oblivion. That brings us to the present where this dream keeps on flashing through my mind. The lady at the top is holding onto my harness telling me to lean back over the edge. She counts to three. One-the mountains stretch below me in my dream; sharp rocks congregate near the bottom. Two-my foot slips and my small hand can't quite make that grasp onto the handhold. Three-I close my eyes as she lets go. That one instant was a pure rush of adrenaline mixed with fear
and freedom; there's no other way of describing it. It was kind of like completing my dream.
-Veledore
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its wonderful characters, but Jeff and Mindy are mine, so please don't copy them.
* Indicates thought
~ Indicates flashback
Chapter 3: No Regrets
***
Hilde could feel the pain traveling at an agonizingly lethargic pace. It started first at the base of her skull where the spine connected, wrapped around the curves of her head, and was presently itching behind her eyes. She took no notice to this distraction as her fingers flew in a fury across the keyboard. Already her stiff cramped joints were rebelling causing her to miss the letter `l' and hit `p' instead. In aggravation, she pounded the backspace button, which moved way too slow. *Darn, lost my train of thought,* Hilde thought when the mistake was erased. Her body took advantage of her hesitation sending signals to her muscles making them flex. She sat up straighter and extended arms for a quick stretch. Suddenly, the screen went black and a small beep was heard. Sparks fizzed from the modem as Hilde spewed a line of curses and pounded on the screen of the monitor.
"I'm no computer expert, but I don't think you're helping," remarked a chuckling Duo standing in the door of the kitchen.
"I can't believe it! No, wait, yes I can. This is just my luck," Hilde cried in dismay.
"Hold on now, this can't be the end of the world," Duo replied.
"It could be for me," Hilde responded remorsefully. "It's too late to take this piece of crap into the shop tonight. And besides, repairing it would takes days and my report is due tomorrow."
Duo carefully stepped around stacks of paper (later Hilde would compare herself to Relena) and reached her side stooped to be level with the computer. He leaned it onto its side and stood back up walking into the kitchen. He came back out with a screwdriver and kneeled once more to take out the rusted screws holding the junk together. As he pulled off the metal sheet covering, a puff of smoke arose. Hilde coughed as the sharp scent of fried wires wafted into her nostrils.
"Well, here's your problem," Duo spoke through the thick cloud of smog.
Hilde waved the smoke from her eyes and peered through the haze only to let out a shriek and jump a few feet back. A whole nest of insects scurried confusedly around the maze of wires and green chips. "What's the matter?" Duo teased and scooped one in his hand. "Aren't they cute?" he asked in a lilting voice.
Hilde felt like she was going to puke. "Get. That. Thing. Away. From. Me." she said in a low dangerous voice.
Duo merely shrugged and grabbed a trashcan next to his feet. Hilde was careful to stand a good five feet away as he scooped the vermin out with his hands and dumped them in the trash. "Aren't you afraid they're going to bite you?" Hilde asked with reluctance crossing her arms before her.
"Nah," Duo replied with a grin. He requested that she bring him a few paper towels and some electric tape. She nodded and hurried thankful to be out of the same room as the parasites.
When she returned, Duo had finished his task and was tying up the trash bag holding the bugs. "You may want to toss this," Duo said handing her the bag. "They just might eat through the plastic."
"Ha ha," Hilde replied sarcastically. "Very funny." She took the bag anyway and proceeded out the door down the hall and into the alley behind the building where a dumpster stood behind two brick walls.
She took her time walking back through the front entrance of the complex and decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator; they were closer. As she made her way up the last flight, a faint noise reached her ears. Turning down the hallway that led to her room, the noises became shouts. Two male shouts. Hilde quickened her paced suddenly fearful for Duo's safety. What she found instead caused her even more surprise, alarm, and dread.
Jeff whirled around at the sound of her footsteps and waited until she stood before him. "Hilde," he seethed, his browned-to-perfection skin flushed red and his hazel eyes flashing dangerously, "Who the _hell_ is this guy?"
Hilde looked down at the ground not wanting to meet his gaze. "H-he's just a friend, Jeff," she mumbled feeling guilt gush forth from her heart. She tried plugging the emotion-it certainly was no concern of his. She was, after all, a grown woman. But, years upon years of steady constant love for Jeff made her feel as though she were committing a sin. *Stop it, Hilde,* he mind reproached. *You make it sound as though you were married to the guy.*
"Yeah, _right_. Just a friend," Jeff replied, disbelief dripping heavily from his voice. "Geez Hilde, I had no idea you were so desperate," he retorted lowly. "Come on! This is downright _slutty_."
Hilde went rigid. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes and anger mingled with rage consumed her body. Half of her mind wanted raise her hand and slap him as hard as her physical body would allow. The other sick, twisted part wanted to throw her self at his feet and apologize saying that he was right and that she'd been wrong to dump him.
SMACKKK. Before she could even think on how to respond to his words Duo had punched Jeff squarely in the jaw. His cobalt eyes had turned hard and piercing. Jeff recoiled from the impact bringing up his hands to cover the already purple swell. His breathing was hard and labored. Incredulity radiated from his features, he was too dazed to even react. Finally he managed to growl, "I'm going to sue your ass for that." Turning back to Hilde he said, "Don't come crawling into my office tomorrow morning looking for a screw. I won't be there. Mindy and I are taking a little trip to meet with Mr. Haverd."
The raging part of Hilde gained a bit more confidence and she whispered, "Get out of here you jerk before I call the police and report you for trespassing."
That was the final straw. Jeff whirled around and stalked off down the hall. Hilde watched his retreating back as she tried to compose herself. "Man, what an asshole," Duo commented into the thick atmosphere.
"Yeah well," Hilde answered quietly.
"Was that your boyfriend?" Duo asked.
"_Was_," Hilde replied turning towards Duo.
"Hey," Duo said lifting her chin up and forcing her to meet his eyes. "You okay?"
"Yes...No," she responded in a choked voice pulling her face out of his grasp and craning her neck downwards into her open hands. The tears surged then and she couldn't stop them. Her whole life was suddenly turned upside down and she was helpless to either stop it or keep her balance. A comforting pair of arms encircled her shoulders and she leaned on the support as Duo led her back inside the doorway closing it behind them.
She blindly followed as Duo directed her towards her couch and helped her sit. Buckets seemed to pour from her eyes; six years' worth of pent up emotions released them in this weak form. Hilde was ashamed, but she could not stop. Duo allowed her to continue-his arms never left her shoulders. He didn't seem to mind that she was making a giant wet and snotty spot on his shirt. After a while her sobs reduced themselves to sniffles, but she didn't feel ready to leave his support, and he didn't seem to care if her cries took forever to come out. He ran his hand soothingly up and down her shoulder.
Soon though, she was under enough control that she was able to force her self to sit up. She drew her knees up to her chin crooking one arm around them and using her other arm to brush a few last escaping tears from her cheeks.
"You okay?" Duo asked again with concern.
"For now," Hilde replied smiling sadly.
"If you don't mind my asking..." Duo started and trailed off not wanting to open an old wound.
"How did someone like me end up with such a idiot? Why did I ever allow such an unhealthy relationship continue?" Hilde finished for him. "I ask myself the same questions every day."
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Duo told her.
She shook her head and replied, "I want to. I need to. You've got to understand, he wasn't always like this. We were both poor as kids. Money and power just got to him."
"That's hard to imagine," Duo responded bitterly.
"It's true," Hilde insisted. "I remember one year, when we were both in the second grade class together, our teacher made us hand-make our Valentine cards because many of us couldn't afford going out and buying them. Jeff, as stubborn then as he is now, made only one and then told the teacher when she asked him to make one for all of his classmates that he only liked one of us and that the rest could kiss his ass (he had a dirty mouth then too)." She paused and genuinely smiled. "The next day I was the only one that got a Valentine from him. All of the other boys gave him a hard time about it, but he didn't care."
"Wow," was Duo's only reply.
"Yeah, big difference huh?" Hilde said. She sighed and leaned back savoring the cherished memory. "He was just as sweet in High School when he asked me to go steady."
"When did he change?" Duo asked.
"As soon as our paper began to become big," Hilde replied and then thought before reanswering, "Well, maybe a little before then. He was always adorable and the girls really started flocking to him our junior year. He's always cheated, I knew that in my heart, but I loved him too much to let him go."
"Sounds like he's got you on a tight leash," Duo said quietly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Hilde asked harshly, her defense suddenly shooting skyward.
"It means that you claim to be over him, but you make him out to be a saint when just a few minutes ago he called you some pretty brutal names," Duo explained. "I think you still love him," Duo added softly.
"I...I...I don't think I do, but I don't _want_ to," Hilde rambled dazed. Her body shook in protest to the new emotional burden. She first looked at Duo imploringly, then determinedly and said, "I don't-I won't."
Duo nodded knowing that pushing anymore was only going to damage Hilde. Instead he changed the subject. "I fixed your computer."
She looked over to the brightly-lit screen. "Thanks," she murmured downheartedly.
"Anytime," he responded standing up and stretching.
"Duo," she began.
"Yeah?" He looked down at her thoughtfully.
"You know, I'm not in love with _him_. I'm in love with who he used to be."
He smiled. "I know that," he responded walking toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Hilde asked.
"Out," was his elusive reply.
"Duo," she started once again stopping him in his tracks.
"Yeah?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Be careful," she wished sincerely.
He chuckled before replying, "I will. Don't worry."
Hilde nodded and waited until she heard the door snap close before standing and strolling towards her computer stand. She sat and looked at the screen indifferently. The black letters on the screen blurred together and Hilde decided that sleep was more desirable. The work could wait. After all, Jeff wasn't going to be at the office in the morning. Who was going to tell him if her article was a day late? It was one of the very few times in Hilde's life when she put her work aside and did the right thing. She went to bed.
***
Author's Note: I really hope that this chapter shed some light on Jeff's nature, you must remember that Jeff is a human being who can easily be sucked into greed and jealously, but he isn't pure evil. No human is pure evil, (this doesn't include Osama Bin Laden), not in my eyes at least. But poor Hilde! She's totally caught in the backfire of Jeff's change and neither of them can help it! This sounds like a job for Duo! But, you'll have to wait until I write the next chapter to see how his role plays out! And, of course, writing lots of reviews always inspires me to keep at it. So keep `em coming! ~_^ Bis dann! Tschüs! (By the way, someone wanted to know how I put the umlaut on `tschüs'. First of all, I use Microsoft Word, and up at the top is the `insert' option. You click that and go to symbol. At the top of the box, there will be a scroll that says `font', and if you choose times new roman, and check out the symbols in the bottom, you should see on a row close to the
bottom.) Auf Wiedersehen!
-Veledore (veledore@hotmail.com)
Author's Note: I just had the most awesome time! Last weekend I went to this Christian winter camp up in the mountains where I got to see snow for the first time this year! I tell you it's never really Christmas for me until I've seen snow, so, MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL YOU GUYS!!! They have this really scary thing up there called `the Plank,' it's basically a plank built on top of a four story rock and you jump free-fall style from the top of it (don't worry, you're harnessed in). The scary thing about this is that _you_ know you're strapped in, but your body doesn't know and it sort of freezes on the spot when you walk to the very edge of this thing and look down-a long way down. I went off it backwards (hey, at least I wasn't looking at the ground). Before I go into the actual jump, I want to first of all tell you why I am so deathly afraid of heights. Do you ever have dreams that happen maybe once a month but is scary enough to leave you hanging until the dream comes again?
(If you haven't, don't worry; sometimes I think my imagination gets just a little carried away.) Well, that dream goes like this: at first all is very calm and I am at peace. Many times I will be younger and playing with a few other kids. We are climbing up this small hill, laughing and playing, when suddenly the hill isn't so little anymore. I will be halfway to the top when the hill becomes a cliff-one with a sheer drop. My legs are so little that I can't get a good hold and slip right off that cliff down into oblivion. That brings us to the present where this dream keeps on flashing through my mind. The lady at the top is holding onto my harness telling me to lean back over the edge. She counts to three. One-the mountains stretch below me in my dream; sharp rocks congregate near the bottom. Two-my foot slips and my small hand can't quite make that grasp onto the handhold. Three-I close my eyes as she lets go. That one instant was a pure rush of adrenaline mixed with fear
and freedom; there's no other way of describing it. It was kind of like completing my dream.
-Veledore
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its wonderful characters, but Jeff and Mindy are mine, so please don't copy them.
* Indicates thought
~ Indicates flashback
Chapter 3: No Regrets
***
Hilde could feel the pain traveling at an agonizingly lethargic pace. It started first at the base of her skull where the spine connected, wrapped around the curves of her head, and was presently itching behind her eyes. She took no notice to this distraction as her fingers flew in a fury across the keyboard. Already her stiff cramped joints were rebelling causing her to miss the letter `l' and hit `p' instead. In aggravation, she pounded the backspace button, which moved way too slow. *Darn, lost my train of thought,* Hilde thought when the mistake was erased. Her body took advantage of her hesitation sending signals to her muscles making them flex. She sat up straighter and extended arms for a quick stretch. Suddenly, the screen went black and a small beep was heard. Sparks fizzed from the modem as Hilde spewed a line of curses and pounded on the screen of the monitor.
"I'm no computer expert, but I don't think you're helping," remarked a chuckling Duo standing in the door of the kitchen.
"I can't believe it! No, wait, yes I can. This is just my luck," Hilde cried in dismay.
"Hold on now, this can't be the end of the world," Duo replied.
"It could be for me," Hilde responded remorsefully. "It's too late to take this piece of crap into the shop tonight. And besides, repairing it would takes days and my report is due tomorrow."
Duo carefully stepped around stacks of paper (later Hilde would compare herself to Relena) and reached her side stooped to be level with the computer. He leaned it onto its side and stood back up walking into the kitchen. He came back out with a screwdriver and kneeled once more to take out the rusted screws holding the junk together. As he pulled off the metal sheet covering, a puff of smoke arose. Hilde coughed as the sharp scent of fried wires wafted into her nostrils.
"Well, here's your problem," Duo spoke through the thick cloud of smog.
Hilde waved the smoke from her eyes and peered through the haze only to let out a shriek and jump a few feet back. A whole nest of insects scurried confusedly around the maze of wires and green chips. "What's the matter?" Duo teased and scooped one in his hand. "Aren't they cute?" he asked in a lilting voice.
Hilde felt like she was going to puke. "Get. That. Thing. Away. From. Me." she said in a low dangerous voice.
Duo merely shrugged and grabbed a trashcan next to his feet. Hilde was careful to stand a good five feet away as he scooped the vermin out with his hands and dumped them in the trash. "Aren't you afraid they're going to bite you?" Hilde asked with reluctance crossing her arms before her.
"Nah," Duo replied with a grin. He requested that she bring him a few paper towels and some electric tape. She nodded and hurried thankful to be out of the same room as the parasites.
When she returned, Duo had finished his task and was tying up the trash bag holding the bugs. "You may want to toss this," Duo said handing her the bag. "They just might eat through the plastic."
"Ha ha," Hilde replied sarcastically. "Very funny." She took the bag anyway and proceeded out the door down the hall and into the alley behind the building where a dumpster stood behind two brick walls.
She took her time walking back through the front entrance of the complex and decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator; they were closer. As she made her way up the last flight, a faint noise reached her ears. Turning down the hallway that led to her room, the noises became shouts. Two male shouts. Hilde quickened her paced suddenly fearful for Duo's safety. What she found instead caused her even more surprise, alarm, and dread.
Jeff whirled around at the sound of her footsteps and waited until she stood before him. "Hilde," he seethed, his browned-to-perfection skin flushed red and his hazel eyes flashing dangerously, "Who the _hell_ is this guy?"
Hilde looked down at the ground not wanting to meet his gaze. "H-he's just a friend, Jeff," she mumbled feeling guilt gush forth from her heart. She tried plugging the emotion-it certainly was no concern of his. She was, after all, a grown woman. But, years upon years of steady constant love for Jeff made her feel as though she were committing a sin. *Stop it, Hilde,* he mind reproached. *You make it sound as though you were married to the guy.*
"Yeah, _right_. Just a friend," Jeff replied, disbelief dripping heavily from his voice. "Geez Hilde, I had no idea you were so desperate," he retorted lowly. "Come on! This is downright _slutty_."
Hilde went rigid. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes and anger mingled with rage consumed her body. Half of her mind wanted raise her hand and slap him as hard as her physical body would allow. The other sick, twisted part wanted to throw her self at his feet and apologize saying that he was right and that she'd been wrong to dump him.
SMACKKK. Before she could even think on how to respond to his words Duo had punched Jeff squarely in the jaw. His cobalt eyes had turned hard and piercing. Jeff recoiled from the impact bringing up his hands to cover the already purple swell. His breathing was hard and labored. Incredulity radiated from his features, he was too dazed to even react. Finally he managed to growl, "I'm going to sue your ass for that." Turning back to Hilde he said, "Don't come crawling into my office tomorrow morning looking for a screw. I won't be there. Mindy and I are taking a little trip to meet with Mr. Haverd."
The raging part of Hilde gained a bit more confidence and she whispered, "Get out of here you jerk before I call the police and report you for trespassing."
That was the final straw. Jeff whirled around and stalked off down the hall. Hilde watched his retreating back as she tried to compose herself. "Man, what an asshole," Duo commented into the thick atmosphere.
"Yeah well," Hilde answered quietly.
"Was that your boyfriend?" Duo asked.
"_Was_," Hilde replied turning towards Duo.
"Hey," Duo said lifting her chin up and forcing her to meet his eyes. "You okay?"
"Yes...No," she responded in a choked voice pulling her face out of his grasp and craning her neck downwards into her open hands. The tears surged then and she couldn't stop them. Her whole life was suddenly turned upside down and she was helpless to either stop it or keep her balance. A comforting pair of arms encircled her shoulders and she leaned on the support as Duo led her back inside the doorway closing it behind them.
She blindly followed as Duo directed her towards her couch and helped her sit. Buckets seemed to pour from her eyes; six years' worth of pent up emotions released them in this weak form. Hilde was ashamed, but she could not stop. Duo allowed her to continue-his arms never left her shoulders. He didn't seem to mind that she was making a giant wet and snotty spot on his shirt. After a while her sobs reduced themselves to sniffles, but she didn't feel ready to leave his support, and he didn't seem to care if her cries took forever to come out. He ran his hand soothingly up and down her shoulder.
Soon though, she was under enough control that she was able to force her self to sit up. She drew her knees up to her chin crooking one arm around them and using her other arm to brush a few last escaping tears from her cheeks.
"You okay?" Duo asked again with concern.
"For now," Hilde replied smiling sadly.
"If you don't mind my asking..." Duo started and trailed off not wanting to open an old wound.
"How did someone like me end up with such a idiot? Why did I ever allow such an unhealthy relationship continue?" Hilde finished for him. "I ask myself the same questions every day."
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Duo told her.
She shook her head and replied, "I want to. I need to. You've got to understand, he wasn't always like this. We were both poor as kids. Money and power just got to him."
"That's hard to imagine," Duo responded bitterly.
"It's true," Hilde insisted. "I remember one year, when we were both in the second grade class together, our teacher made us hand-make our Valentine cards because many of us couldn't afford going out and buying them. Jeff, as stubborn then as he is now, made only one and then told the teacher when she asked him to make one for all of his classmates that he only liked one of us and that the rest could kiss his ass (he had a dirty mouth then too)." She paused and genuinely smiled. "The next day I was the only one that got a Valentine from him. All of the other boys gave him a hard time about it, but he didn't care."
"Wow," was Duo's only reply.
"Yeah, big difference huh?" Hilde said. She sighed and leaned back savoring the cherished memory. "He was just as sweet in High School when he asked me to go steady."
"When did he change?" Duo asked.
"As soon as our paper began to become big," Hilde replied and then thought before reanswering, "Well, maybe a little before then. He was always adorable and the girls really started flocking to him our junior year. He's always cheated, I knew that in my heart, but I loved him too much to let him go."
"Sounds like he's got you on a tight leash," Duo said quietly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Hilde asked harshly, her defense suddenly shooting skyward.
"It means that you claim to be over him, but you make him out to be a saint when just a few minutes ago he called you some pretty brutal names," Duo explained. "I think you still love him," Duo added softly.
"I...I...I don't think I do, but I don't _want_ to," Hilde rambled dazed. Her body shook in protest to the new emotional burden. She first looked at Duo imploringly, then determinedly and said, "I don't-I won't."
Duo nodded knowing that pushing anymore was only going to damage Hilde. Instead he changed the subject. "I fixed your computer."
She looked over to the brightly-lit screen. "Thanks," she murmured downheartedly.
"Anytime," he responded standing up and stretching.
"Duo," she began.
"Yeah?" He looked down at her thoughtfully.
"You know, I'm not in love with _him_. I'm in love with who he used to be."
He smiled. "I know that," he responded walking toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Hilde asked.
"Out," was his elusive reply.
"Duo," she started once again stopping him in his tracks.
"Yeah?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Be careful," she wished sincerely.
He chuckled before replying, "I will. Don't worry."
Hilde nodded and waited until she heard the door snap close before standing and strolling towards her computer stand. She sat and looked at the screen indifferently. The black letters on the screen blurred together and Hilde decided that sleep was more desirable. The work could wait. After all, Jeff wasn't going to be at the office in the morning. Who was going to tell him if her article was a day late? It was one of the very few times in Hilde's life when she put her work aside and did the right thing. She went to bed.
***
Author's Note: I really hope that this chapter shed some light on Jeff's nature, you must remember that Jeff is a human being who can easily be sucked into greed and jealously, but he isn't pure evil. No human is pure evil, (this doesn't include Osama Bin Laden), not in my eyes at least. But poor Hilde! She's totally caught in the backfire of Jeff's change and neither of them can help it! This sounds like a job for Duo! But, you'll have to wait until I write the next chapter to see how his role plays out! And, of course, writing lots of reviews always inspires me to keep at it. So keep `em coming! ~_^ Bis dann! Tschüs! (By the way, someone wanted to know how I put the umlaut on `tschüs'. First of all, I use Microsoft Word, and up at the top is the `insert' option. You click that and go to symbol. At the top of the box, there will be a scroll that says `font', and if you choose times new roman, and check out the symbols in the bottom, you should see on a row close to the
bottom.) Auf Wiedersehen!
-Veledore (veledore@hotmail.com)
