Ichiban Sho

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"Mama said there'd be days like this," mused the railway guard to himself. It had been a royally shitty day. Some old fart pissed on his shoe, everybody was rude. All he needed to cap the perfect day was a bloody train robbery.

{Be careful what you wish for.}

The train came into the Sector One station on schedule. What was unscheduled was the big naked black guy with the gun on his arm. There wasn't supposed to be any naked man shooting at the railway guard. Days that start bad, end worse. {Please, God,} thought the railway guard, {don't let a naked man be the last thing I see.}

The naked man was William "Bare-It" Wallace, who was leading a group of AVALANCHE members in an assault upon the Sector 1 Reactor. Bare-It knew that he had to be quick, and leave no witnesses, because nobody forgets Bare-It Wallace in a hurry. All any Shinra soldiers had to ask was, "Hey, has anybody seen Mr. T run by here in the nude?", and every damn foo' in the area would point right at him. "C'mon!", he bawled to his "troops", which consisted of Biggass, Vedge, Jessie, and some former SOLDIER member called Trent Strife. Strife bothered Bare-It, because he didn't seem the least bit disturbed by Bare-It. He had an attitude that said, "Sure, where I'm from, everybody looks like Mr. T and runs around in the raw".

The AVALANCHE crew charged right into the Sector 1 Reactor in one big group. {One grenade,} thought Bare-It, {and I can ice the whole pack of imbeciles at once.} Unfortunately, so could the Shinra. "Hey, you fucking goops!" shouted Bare-It in a voice loud enough to make up for the lack of a general alarm, "Are ya posin' for a fuckin' group picture or sumpin'? Break up! Break the fuck up!"

"Strife," he concluded, "You stick wit' me. I don't trust ya."

Trent Strife just shrugged and fell in beside Bare-It...but not too close.

Strife didn't look like much. Could this kid really have been in SOLDIER? Bare-It was tempted to find out, but held his urge in check. {Wait until the boy makes a mistake,} he thought, {An' then you don't look bad when you gotta do the deed.}

Bare-It and Strife had just finished climbing down a ladder when the first Shinra soldiers attacked. The first warning Bare-It got was when the ground at his feet erupted in a spray of bullets. Bare-It dropped to the ground, rolled, and fired once, twice, three times....and missed, missed, and missed. Shit! The buggers were good.

Strife was having better luck. He dropped as if he'd been dodging bullets all his life, and rolled towards one of the Shinra soldiers. Still curled in a ball, he managed to draw his sword, and leapt upwards, splitting the poor bastard from groin to chin. What a way to go.

Bare-It wasn't exactly sitting idle at the time, either. Crouching behind a crate, he hauled the pin out of a grenade and threw it overhand at the remaining two Shinra troopers. (You figure out where he was keeping his grenades!) One managed to throw himself to the side, and Strife quickly took care of him. The other was killed by the grenade.

Total elapsed time: about 1 1/2 seconds.

"We've got to move," said Strife, "That explosion's going to draw every guard in earshot." Without waiting for a reply, Strife charged off in the direction of the reactor. Swearing like a legionnaire, Bare-It followed.

The sound of pursuit followed Bare-It and Strife down the hall. Fortunately, sound doesn't shoot at you. Bare-It hauled Strife into a side passage, and made the universal "ssh" signal, one finger over his lip.

Seven Shinra soldiers charged by, going the wrong way. Bare-It was just about to step into the hallway when he heard the sound of...singing?

"Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got bugs in my tummy...hee hee hee!" A black-cloaked stranger danced by, singing an extremely weird tune. {Who the devil could that be,} wondered Bare-It.

Finally, they reached the No. 1 Reactor. "Say, foo'," said Bare-It to Strife, "You go ahead and set the charge!" Strife nodded acquiescence, and then sat there picking his nose.

"There ain't no snot left, buddy, get movin'!"

"...not an ordinary...? Wha..?" replied Strife, and then "Oh, yeah, the charge. Now where did I put that charge?" Strife hauled out his wallet.

"Here! No, that's my Nazi Party membership card--a joke, funny story...Sorry, the charge...Could it be this? No, I guess that's just 1,000,000 Gil in small, unmarked bills...Hmm, a still-beating human heart..nope! Let's try this compartment..Oh, that's where I left the cat! Heya, furball! Here we go! Explosive charge!" Trent proudly produced a piece of moldy bread.

"Never mind, foo'," said Bare-It, "I'll do it myself." Bare-It set the charge, and ran for the exit. Strife followed, toting the cat and making mewling noises at it. {Jeez,} thought Bare-It, as people on the lower levels gaped at his bare ass, {What a weirdo.}

Bare-It climbed the ladder again, hotly pursued by Trent Strife (and his cat), and was just about to head for the elevator when he was interrupted by Strife exclaiming, "Oh, shit!". Bare-It found a protesting cat thrust into his arms as Strife worked to free Jessie's trapped foot from a steel beam. Bare-It was not impressed. Neither was the cat. When Strife reclaimed his pet, both Bare-It and the cat sported some impressive scratch marks.

The AVALANCHE group just barely made it out of the reactor area in time. No sooner had Trent and his cat jumped clear than the explosive charge went off, creating a truly impressive pillar of flame. Bare-It supposed the crazy man in the black cape must be dead.

"Well," said Bare-It cheerfully, "Who wants ice cream?"

-----

When Bare-It and the others headed off for ice cream, Trent Strife went his separate way. After all, could even a former member of SOLDIER be seen in public cheering at a naked man who was offering fucking ice cream, even the Sector 2 Sally's Scrumptious Chocolate... {No,} thought Trent, {Don't think about it. Don't let your mouth water.}

Trent strolled off towards Sector 7 in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner. In fact, he looked very much like someone with something to hide, which made him fit in perfectly with all the other riff-raff in the area.

When he entered the square, Trent was abruptly glad that he wasn't Bare-It. The flower girl would have made certain characteristics painfully apparent in Bare-It. Trent could act natural and hope nobody noticed the tilt of his kilt. Even the toughest looking fellows were buying flowers from this hottie, and they were hard when they did it...not that Trent was looking, of course. He was acting natural. And failing. Miserably. Then something amazing happened. The attractive flower girl approached him!

"Excuse me," she said, "What was all that commotion back the way you came?"

"Er, commotion?" asked Trent, "What commotion?" At that moment, Trent would have been hard-pressed (no pun intended) to remember his own name.

"You know," she said, "That great big explosion that came from the same direction as you. I thought you might know because your clothes are charred and your hair is singed."

"I really don't remember any sort of explosion," said Trent, honestly. "Maybe you're thinking of something else?" {Well, we know you are, idiot!} thought Trent to himself, {She probably thinks you're a moron.}

{What a moron,} the flower girl was thinking to herself, {But at least I should be able to make an easy sale.} "Say," she said, "Wanna buy a flower?"

Just then, Trent would have gladly bought Bre-X stock. "Sure!" he said, "How much? I mean, what's the going rate?" {Idiot!}

{Idiot!} "1 Gil for a single flower". The flower girl normally charged more, but she'd feel bad if she took advantage of someone so obviously mentally defective.

-----

Tifa Lockheart was doing dishes when the AVALANCHE group came back. First came Jessie, then Bigass, then Vedge, and finally Trent. Bare-It must have been waiting outside, trying to scare people.

Trent had been a childhood friend of Tifa's, and she was somewhat worried about his mental health. She had talked him out of his persistent belief that he was Batman, but there was still something not quite right...

Tifa walked out to meet Trent, followed by Bare-It's toddler daughter, Marlene. Marlene seemed to dislike everyone but Bare-It and Tifa, who she was fiercely protective of.

"Er, hi," said Trent. He was carrying a single rose.

"For me?" said Tifa, delighted, "You shouldn't have!"

Trent looked perplexed, and said, "Um, OK", and gave the rose to Marlene, who promptly ate it.

{Jesus, he's dumber than I thought,} thought Tifa, {This is going to take some work.} "Trent?" she inquired, "Are you OK?"

"OK?" said Trent, "I'm more than OK! I'm Batma...Wait, that's wrong.."

{Fascinatink, frau doktor, but we steel haff work to do.}

"You're tired," she said to Trent, "Go get some sleep."

"Yeh," said Trent, bemused, "Sleep. Sleep good. Sleep good and remember where got pretty flower. Why girl eat flower? Wakarimasen."

Tifa shook her head. It was going to be a long week.

Preview of Chapter 2:

"Hang on to her for a second. She bites, by the way."

"I meant fella-trix! Yeah, that's it!"

"What are you guys doin' blowin' up my reactors? I've been nice to you!"