Niban Sho
-----
The next day started pretty much as usual. Marlene got up at about 4 AM and turned the cartoons on, and cranked the volume. Bare-It, Bigass, Jessie, Trent, and Tifa awoke with a start, swore profusely, and finally Bare-It went and unplugged the TV, and put Marlene back to bed, where she remained for approximately one picosecond before charging down to the TV room again. Neighbors were complaining about the noise, but Vedge slept through it all. The reason Vedge never drew guard duty was because thieves could break through the wall on motorcycles and steal everything in the house including the bed (with Vedge in it), and he wouldn't wake up.
At 6 AM, the members of AVALANCHE got out of bed (In Vedge's case, heavy machinery was involved), and planned the day's raid.
"Sector 5 station," Bare-It was saying, "It shouldn't be much different from last night's heist, but the Shinra will be on their guard. Bigass, Jessie, and Vedge, you're Alpha team. You make sure we get in and out of the Reactor alright. Strife, you an' me--"
"And me," interjected Tifa, "I'm coming, too"
"What!?!?" raged Bare-It, "You can't--"
Trent interrupted, "Bare-It, are you ever going to learn? When Tifa wants something, she gets it. Just resign yourself to the inevitable."
Bigass said, "Hey, kewl. Trent, how'dja manage to finish a sentence without bein' inter-"
"Shut the fuck up," explained Bare-It.
-----
The Shinra guard was content. Last night, when the naked man attacked from the train, he was sure that he was going to die. When he managed to escape before the reactor went up, he put in for a transfer to any available job out-of-sector. So now his job was to make sure nobody rode the train without a ticket. Sure, there could be some violence, if somebody without a ticket really wanted a ride, but for the most part it would be smooth sailing. Life was good.
The guard was just through congratulating himself on an excellent career move when he saw something that he really didn't want to see. Well, OK, nobody wanted to see what the guard was seeing, but this particular guard had an extra reason to be dismayed by the sight.
It was like Mr. T., but without the clothes. On his train. {Please, God,} thought the guard, {let him have a ticket.} But the guard knew that Mr. T. didn't have a ticket. He wasn't holding one, and just where are the pockets on a naked man?
"Why me, God," whispered the guard, "What have I ever done to you?"
The guard hadn't whispered quietly enough, for Bare-It charged over and bellowed, "What? What did you say?"
"Er," responded the guard, laughing weakly, "Tickets, please?"
Bare-It's face was a mask of anger, "Listen punk, do you see this gun?"
"Er, yes." replied the guard.
"No, not that gun, said Bare-It, and pointed at his gun-arm, "This gun. If you ever make fun of me again, I'm gonna shove it up your peachy ass and fire."
"Oh, is that all," said the guard, relieved, "I thought you were going to do something mean."
A woman in the back of the car cut in: "Oh, Bare-It, leave the poor fudgepacker alone!"
{What's a fudgepacker?} thought the guard, but wisely elected to keep his mouth shut.
The woman moved towards the front of the train, to the map display, and beckoned to the young man (The one with clothes!) to join her. As the young man walked past the guard, he depositied a cat in the guard's lap and said, "Hang on to her for a second. She bites, by the way."
A moment later, an alarm went off in the train, and Mr. T ran towards the front of the train, followed by his odd friends. When he was sure they were safely out of earshot (and the rail car was sealed), the guard cheered until his voice grew hoarse.
-----
Trent followed the rest of the AVALANCHE group up several cars, where they were met with an interesting sight: Everyone in the car was stark naked. {On the bright side,} Trent thought, {at least Bare-It gets to feel what it's like to fit in. Maybe he'll decide that he likes it and purchase some clothing. Probably not, but when you wish upon a star...}
There was one more car to go, before they reached the engineer's compartment. When they got there, Bare-It said, "OK, we gotta jump! I'll go last, though, because a leader always sticks around until the very end!" {The man's terrified,} thought Trent.
Tifa was the first out the door, followed by Trent, followed, after a slight but measurable pause, by Bare-It. They found themselves in a (surprise!) railway tunnel. They'd have to walk the rest of the way to the Sector 5 reactor. A few hundred meters brought them to a grate in the tunnel. Trent started to go through, but Bare-It caught his shoulder.
"Are you sure that'll get us closer to the Reactor?"
{No,} thought Trent, {But I bet the cramped quarters'll scare the hell out of you!}
What he said, however was, "Absolutely! I know these tunnels like the back of my hand!"
The three of them climbed down the ladder, and Trent surveyed his surroundings. {I'll be fucked!} he thought, {we actually ARE in the reactor!} Bigass was standing next to a ladder. The party walked up to him, and he said, "Hey, fellas! The reactor's thataway!", and pointed at the ladder.
"Who are you calling a fella, fella?" asked Tifa.
"Uh," said Bigass, thinking fast, "I meant fella-trix! Yeah, that's it!"
Tifa glowered. Bigass squirmed.
"Hey!" exclaimed Trent, "How the devil did you get here ahead of us? We just came by a windfall shortcut that lead us directly here!"
Bigass shot Trent a grateful look, and said, "I'm very, very fast."
-----
Trent, Tifa, and Bare-It had finally reached the reactor. Halfway across the pipe leading to the reactor, however, Trent fell to the ground, clutching his head.
{The jungle spun around him. He'd seen the Viet Cong take out six of his buddies. They were everywhere. The odor of white phosphorous burned his lungs. It wouldn't be long now--Charlie must have surrounded him by now. It was over. He checked his carbine, ready for battle, and was knocked to the ground by the impact of mortar on the nearby ground. That mortar saved his life. He was blown into the long grass just as six VC emerged from the forest. They hadn't seen him, but he'd seen them, hehehehe!}
"HOO-YAAAAAAAH!" Trent shouted, charging at Tifa with his sword upraised, "DIE, CHARLIE, DIE!!!!!" Then, reality abruptly reasserted itself around him. He was standing poised over his childhood friend, with the business end of his sword less than a centimeter from her nose. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates.
"Er," he said, "Just testing. Yeah, that's the ticket, testing! You really need to work on your reaction time, Tif!"
"If you're quite finished," said Bare-It, "Perhaps you'd like to set the charge? Y'know, since that's kinda what we're here for?"
"Charge?" said Trent, "Oh, yeah, the charge." He pulled out his wallet and started to leaf through it.
"Never mind!" said Bare-It, "I'm afraid of what you might pull out of there!"
Bare-It set the charge, and the three of them left.
They covered familiar terrain for most of the reactor, since it was identical to the one they'd blown up the previous day. When they neared the exit, however, they found company waiting. Soldiers pressed from both sides, and from the third direction, came a man every member of AVALANCHE knew by sight. It was the President of Shinra.
"Hey," he said, "What are you guys doin' blowin' up my reactors? I've been nice to you!"
"Nice?" raged Bare-It, "You been' killin' the Planet!"
"Oh, yeah, that," replied Shinra, "But that was just for laughs. No, I'm afraid that I can't let you get away with blowin' stuff up, as much as I enjoy the bang. Introducing SOLDIER's finest new robot, Kilroy!"
Trent looked perplexed. "Kilroy?" he asked, "Wasn't that the one from Secret of Mana?"
"Oh, yeah, you're right!" answered President Shinra, "I'll form a committee to come up with a better name just as soon as he finishes mopping my nice floor with your ass."
The nameless robot attacked. First, it aimed a vicious punch at Tifa's center of mass (i.e., breasts). Tifa was hurled several meters, rolled, and snapped back fighting. She aimed a punch of her own at the robot--and shouted a bad word when her fist impacted on cold steel.
"Dammit!" she said, "That fuckin' hurt! I wish I had a weapon!" She glared at Trent and Bare-It.
Trent had a better idea. He slid a Lightning materia into one of the slots on his bracelet, and invoked it. Current arced between the tip of his sword and the robot, delivering a nasty shock to the machine's power supply.
"Joo rotten plick!" came a digitized voice, "Joo am arsehole!"
Trent wasn't being idle while the robot was talking. He leaped onto the machine's back and pried open an access panel. Sure enough, there was a terminal embedded in the attack machine. A few lines of code, and Trent proudly hit compile. The terminal responded:
ERROR LINE 1087: CALL TO UNDEFINED FUNCTION, PRINTF
ERROR LINE 1087: STATEMENT MISSING ;
ERROR LINE 1353: FUNCTION SHOULD RETURN A VALUE
WARNING BUGGERYOU.H: CANNOT CREATE PRECOMPILED HEADER: CODE IN HEADER
WARNING LINE 1881: CONSTANT IS LONG
{Oh, shit!}
The robot exploded. Trent was hurled into the air, and came down right in the hole that the robot had made. He managed to grab the pipe with one hand, unfortunately on the side opposite to Tifa and Bare-It. Tifa stretched her hand out, trying to reach Trent.
"C'mon, Trent!" shouted Bare-It, "You gotta hurry! That explosive's gonna go off any minute?"
"Eh?" said President Shinra, "There's a bomb here, too? Ho, ho, ho, Santa's gotta go! Children won't be happy if Santa doesn't show!" And with that, he fucked off in a helicopter.
"Get out of here, Tifa," Trent said, "I'll be fine!" And then he lost his grip, and plummeted to the hard, unyielding ground below.
-----
Bare-It led a weeping Tifa away from the place where Trent Strife had died. From the shadows, a black-cloaked figure chuckled and began singing, "The hills are alive, with the sound of muuuuusic!"
One other being had seen the events at the sector five reactor. From the shadows opposite the black cloaked figure, a smaller, cuter creature watched. It's eyes glowed devil red and it barked an insane laugh. (the laugh must have been very quiet, since it didn't disturb black-cloak). The laugh went on for some time, and when it was over, the creature uttered a single word.
"Kuso!"
Preview of Chapter 3:
"Because after what you did to my flowers, I'd hate to lose the opportunity to kill you with my bare hands."
"What have I told you about playing with those gun-toting Turks?"
"Come on. Let's get out of here before you kill anyone else."
-----
The next day started pretty much as usual. Marlene got up at about 4 AM and turned the cartoons on, and cranked the volume. Bare-It, Bigass, Jessie, Trent, and Tifa awoke with a start, swore profusely, and finally Bare-It went and unplugged the TV, and put Marlene back to bed, where she remained for approximately one picosecond before charging down to the TV room again. Neighbors were complaining about the noise, but Vedge slept through it all. The reason Vedge never drew guard duty was because thieves could break through the wall on motorcycles and steal everything in the house including the bed (with Vedge in it), and he wouldn't wake up.
At 6 AM, the members of AVALANCHE got out of bed (In Vedge's case, heavy machinery was involved), and planned the day's raid.
"Sector 5 station," Bare-It was saying, "It shouldn't be much different from last night's heist, but the Shinra will be on their guard. Bigass, Jessie, and Vedge, you're Alpha team. You make sure we get in and out of the Reactor alright. Strife, you an' me--"
"And me," interjected Tifa, "I'm coming, too"
"What!?!?" raged Bare-It, "You can't--"
Trent interrupted, "Bare-It, are you ever going to learn? When Tifa wants something, she gets it. Just resign yourself to the inevitable."
Bigass said, "Hey, kewl. Trent, how'dja manage to finish a sentence without bein' inter-"
"Shut the fuck up," explained Bare-It.
-----
The Shinra guard was content. Last night, when the naked man attacked from the train, he was sure that he was going to die. When he managed to escape before the reactor went up, he put in for a transfer to any available job out-of-sector. So now his job was to make sure nobody rode the train without a ticket. Sure, there could be some violence, if somebody without a ticket really wanted a ride, but for the most part it would be smooth sailing. Life was good.
The guard was just through congratulating himself on an excellent career move when he saw something that he really didn't want to see. Well, OK, nobody wanted to see what the guard was seeing, but this particular guard had an extra reason to be dismayed by the sight.
It was like Mr. T., but without the clothes. On his train. {Please, God,} thought the guard, {let him have a ticket.} But the guard knew that Mr. T. didn't have a ticket. He wasn't holding one, and just where are the pockets on a naked man?
"Why me, God," whispered the guard, "What have I ever done to you?"
The guard hadn't whispered quietly enough, for Bare-It charged over and bellowed, "What? What did you say?"
"Er," responded the guard, laughing weakly, "Tickets, please?"
Bare-It's face was a mask of anger, "Listen punk, do you see this gun?"
"Er, yes." replied the guard.
"No, not that gun, said Bare-It, and pointed at his gun-arm, "This gun. If you ever make fun of me again, I'm gonna shove it up your peachy ass and fire."
"Oh, is that all," said the guard, relieved, "I thought you were going to do something mean."
A woman in the back of the car cut in: "Oh, Bare-It, leave the poor fudgepacker alone!"
{What's a fudgepacker?} thought the guard, but wisely elected to keep his mouth shut.
The woman moved towards the front of the train, to the map display, and beckoned to the young man (The one with clothes!) to join her. As the young man walked past the guard, he depositied a cat in the guard's lap and said, "Hang on to her for a second. She bites, by the way."
A moment later, an alarm went off in the train, and Mr. T ran towards the front of the train, followed by his odd friends. When he was sure they were safely out of earshot (and the rail car was sealed), the guard cheered until his voice grew hoarse.
-----
Trent followed the rest of the AVALANCHE group up several cars, where they were met with an interesting sight: Everyone in the car was stark naked. {On the bright side,} Trent thought, {at least Bare-It gets to feel what it's like to fit in. Maybe he'll decide that he likes it and purchase some clothing. Probably not, but when you wish upon a star...}
There was one more car to go, before they reached the engineer's compartment. When they got there, Bare-It said, "OK, we gotta jump! I'll go last, though, because a leader always sticks around until the very end!" {The man's terrified,} thought Trent.
Tifa was the first out the door, followed by Trent, followed, after a slight but measurable pause, by Bare-It. They found themselves in a (surprise!) railway tunnel. They'd have to walk the rest of the way to the Sector 5 reactor. A few hundred meters brought them to a grate in the tunnel. Trent started to go through, but Bare-It caught his shoulder.
"Are you sure that'll get us closer to the Reactor?"
{No,} thought Trent, {But I bet the cramped quarters'll scare the hell out of you!}
What he said, however was, "Absolutely! I know these tunnels like the back of my hand!"
The three of them climbed down the ladder, and Trent surveyed his surroundings. {I'll be fucked!} he thought, {we actually ARE in the reactor!} Bigass was standing next to a ladder. The party walked up to him, and he said, "Hey, fellas! The reactor's thataway!", and pointed at the ladder.
"Who are you calling a fella, fella?" asked Tifa.
"Uh," said Bigass, thinking fast, "I meant fella-trix! Yeah, that's it!"
Tifa glowered. Bigass squirmed.
"Hey!" exclaimed Trent, "How the devil did you get here ahead of us? We just came by a windfall shortcut that lead us directly here!"
Bigass shot Trent a grateful look, and said, "I'm very, very fast."
-----
Trent, Tifa, and Bare-It had finally reached the reactor. Halfway across the pipe leading to the reactor, however, Trent fell to the ground, clutching his head.
{The jungle spun around him. He'd seen the Viet Cong take out six of his buddies. They were everywhere. The odor of white phosphorous burned his lungs. It wouldn't be long now--Charlie must have surrounded him by now. It was over. He checked his carbine, ready for battle, and was knocked to the ground by the impact of mortar on the nearby ground. That mortar saved his life. He was blown into the long grass just as six VC emerged from the forest. They hadn't seen him, but he'd seen them, hehehehe!}
"HOO-YAAAAAAAH!" Trent shouted, charging at Tifa with his sword upraised, "DIE, CHARLIE, DIE!!!!!" Then, reality abruptly reasserted itself around him. He was standing poised over his childhood friend, with the business end of his sword less than a centimeter from her nose. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates.
"Er," he said, "Just testing. Yeah, that's the ticket, testing! You really need to work on your reaction time, Tif!"
"If you're quite finished," said Bare-It, "Perhaps you'd like to set the charge? Y'know, since that's kinda what we're here for?"
"Charge?" said Trent, "Oh, yeah, the charge." He pulled out his wallet and started to leaf through it.
"Never mind!" said Bare-It, "I'm afraid of what you might pull out of there!"
Bare-It set the charge, and the three of them left.
They covered familiar terrain for most of the reactor, since it was identical to the one they'd blown up the previous day. When they neared the exit, however, they found company waiting. Soldiers pressed from both sides, and from the third direction, came a man every member of AVALANCHE knew by sight. It was the President of Shinra.
"Hey," he said, "What are you guys doin' blowin' up my reactors? I've been nice to you!"
"Nice?" raged Bare-It, "You been' killin' the Planet!"
"Oh, yeah, that," replied Shinra, "But that was just for laughs. No, I'm afraid that I can't let you get away with blowin' stuff up, as much as I enjoy the bang. Introducing SOLDIER's finest new robot, Kilroy!"
Trent looked perplexed. "Kilroy?" he asked, "Wasn't that the one from Secret of Mana?"
"Oh, yeah, you're right!" answered President Shinra, "I'll form a committee to come up with a better name just as soon as he finishes mopping my nice floor with your ass."
The nameless robot attacked. First, it aimed a vicious punch at Tifa's center of mass (i.e., breasts). Tifa was hurled several meters, rolled, and snapped back fighting. She aimed a punch of her own at the robot--and shouted a bad word when her fist impacted on cold steel.
"Dammit!" she said, "That fuckin' hurt! I wish I had a weapon!" She glared at Trent and Bare-It.
Trent had a better idea. He slid a Lightning materia into one of the slots on his bracelet, and invoked it. Current arced between the tip of his sword and the robot, delivering a nasty shock to the machine's power supply.
"Joo rotten plick!" came a digitized voice, "Joo am arsehole!"
Trent wasn't being idle while the robot was talking. He leaped onto the machine's back and pried open an access panel. Sure enough, there was a terminal embedded in the attack machine. A few lines of code, and Trent proudly hit compile. The terminal responded:
ERROR LINE 1087: CALL TO UNDEFINED FUNCTION, PRINTF
ERROR LINE 1087: STATEMENT MISSING ;
ERROR LINE 1353: FUNCTION SHOULD RETURN A VALUE
WARNING BUGGERYOU.H: CANNOT CREATE PRECOMPILED HEADER: CODE IN HEADER
WARNING LINE 1881: CONSTANT IS LONG
{Oh, shit!}
The robot exploded. Trent was hurled into the air, and came down right in the hole that the robot had made. He managed to grab the pipe with one hand, unfortunately on the side opposite to Tifa and Bare-It. Tifa stretched her hand out, trying to reach Trent.
"C'mon, Trent!" shouted Bare-It, "You gotta hurry! That explosive's gonna go off any minute?"
"Eh?" said President Shinra, "There's a bomb here, too? Ho, ho, ho, Santa's gotta go! Children won't be happy if Santa doesn't show!" And with that, he fucked off in a helicopter.
"Get out of here, Tifa," Trent said, "I'll be fine!" And then he lost his grip, and plummeted to the hard, unyielding ground below.
-----
Bare-It led a weeping Tifa away from the place where Trent Strife had died. From the shadows, a black-cloaked figure chuckled and began singing, "The hills are alive, with the sound of muuuuusic!"
One other being had seen the events at the sector five reactor. From the shadows opposite the black cloaked figure, a smaller, cuter creature watched. It's eyes glowed devil red and it barked an insane laugh. (the laugh must have been very quiet, since it didn't disturb black-cloak). The laugh went on for some time, and when it was over, the creature uttered a single word.
"Kuso!"
Preview of Chapter 3:
"Because after what you did to my flowers, I'd hate to lose the opportunity to kill you with my bare hands."
"What have I told you about playing with those gun-toting Turks?"
"Come on. Let's get out of here before you kill anyone else."
