Sanban Sho

-----

Aeris Gainsborough had been through one hell of a productive day. The flowers were thriving as they hadn't been in years. She stepped back in satisfaction, and looked upon her small patch, the fruit of her labours, and a smile of satisfaction spread across her face. Finally, all that hard work had paid off.

But wait, there was a shadow spreading across the center of the patch. What the hell-?

THUD!

{Trent Strife leapt from rooftop to rooftop effortlessly. Ah, yes, this was the life! Nothing holding him back! None of the stress of landbound life.

There! That rooftop over there! Someone was infringing on Trent's personal territory. Trent leaped once, twice, thrice! Now he was on the same building as his quarry. Softly, softly, don't let him hear you....NOW!

Trent lifted his adversary high in the air and held him over the edge of the building. The terrified fellow managed to squeak out a query, "Who are you?"

Trent smiled. "I'm Batman."}

"Hey buddy!" came a female voice. {Go away,} Trent thought, {Or I'll throw a batarang at you.}

"Hey buddy," came the voice, "Are you dead?"

{Damn.} Trent opened one eye. "Five more minutes, Ma."

"Oh, good, you are alive!" the voice replied, "Because after what you did to my flowers, I'd hate to lose the opportunity to kill you with my bare hands."

Trent opened the other eye. Wonder of wonders, standing over him was the hot flower girl that he'd met the day before.

"Oh, it's you!" the woman said, "I remember you. You don't look like you remember me, though"

{Like any man could forget her,} Trent thought, {but I guess it couldn't hurt to let her think that.} "Nope," he said, "Not a clue!"

SLAP!

{Note to self: Oh, yes, it could hurt to let her think that.}

Dazed, Trent stood up. "Oh, yeah. I remember you now. The name's Strife. Trent Strife."

"Shaken," the girl replied, "But not stirred, apparently. I'm Aeris. I sell flowers. You?"

{Well, ma'am, I murder people. Sure, I'll tell you that. Just watch me.} "Oh, a little of this, a little of that, the poor stay poor and the rich get fat."

"Oh, a jackass," she said, "I knew a guy like you, once. Tell you what. I'm in the market for a bodyguard. You interested?"

{Yes! To anything you want, yes!} "Sure," replied Trent, "But it's gonna cost you!"

"Yeah, I can pretty much figure out your price. I don't pay up front, though."

From the north approached a man in a business suit holding a quarterstaff. He had a competent look about him, like a professional soldier. Trent approached the man. Pitching his voice low, so Aeris wouldn't hear, he said, "Back off, fartknocker. She's mine."

"Hey, don't mind me," replied the man, "I'm just looking for a place to take a leak. I've been holding it in for hours." He walked off to the north again. Then Reno of the Turks showed up.

"Aw, fuck!" said Aeris, "That guy's been stalking me for years. C'mon, Trent, let's get out of here."

They buggered off through the nearest door. They hadn't gotten far when Reno came after them. They climbed a staircase, and were met with a broken board. Trent jumped the gap no problem, but Aeris wasn't that fit. She narrowly missed the jump and tumbled practically into Reno's arms.

"Shit!" she shouted, "Trent, help!"

Trent knew he'd never make it down there in time to be of any use. He looked around. There! A bunch of barrels. Taking careful aim, he pushed one over, intending for it to land on one of Reno's lackeys. Down it went, and landed FAR wide of the soldier. In fact, it narrowly missed Aeris.

"Whose side are you on, jackoff?" inquired Aeris. Trent shrugged. (Trent likes to shrug. Does it all the time.)

The soldier, perceiving his victim bereft of protection, became cocky and advanced on Aeris. Because he was overconfident, he wasn't prepared. Aeris's staff came up in between his legs. Trent winced, but the poor soldier was really in pain. Aeris grabbed the soldier's submachine gun, checked the ammo and grinned. "OK, who's next?"

The sacked soldier made the kind of sound that normally escapes a hungry kitten and passed out.

Spraying bullets behind her, Aeris climbed the rafters and joined Trent. Together, they escaped through a hole in the roof of the church (the same one made when Trent fell through it).

As they climbed rubble back down to the street level, Trent looked Aeris over and said, "Reno must want you pretty bad."

"Yeah," she replied, "The Turks apparently think I have what it takes to be in SOLDIER"

"SOLDIER?" inquired Trent, "Oh. Yeah. SOLDIER. Of course. What else could they possibly want?" Trent laughed weakly.

A poisonous dart flew past the back of Trent's head, narrowly missing him. The sound of profanity in the moogle language escaped a pile of rubble.

"Eh?" said Trent, "What was that?"

"What was what?" asked Aeris.

"Oh, it's probably nothing."

Devil-red eyes glared after the pair as they walked off in the direction of Aeris's house.

Aeris pushed open the door to her house. "Hi mom!"

"You're late."

"I ran into some gun-toting Turks. This is Trent. He's my bodyguard."

{Well,} thought Trent, {there's certainly something I'd like to do to her body!}

"Hello, Trent," said Aeris's mom, leering at him.

"Hello, Aeris's Mom."

Aeris's mother turned back to her, "What have I told you about playing with those gun-toting Turks?"

"But Mom, I don't go to them, they come to me!"

"That's no excuse. Go to your room!"

"Mother, I'm 20 years old!"

"Go!"

Sulking, Aeris went to her room. Trent was left standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Have a seat," Aeris's mother said, "Want anything to drink? Beer? Beer? Or maybe some beer?"

"Um," said Trent, pondering, "I guess beer'll do."

Aeris's mom tossed Trent a beer and said, "So....you like...stuff?"

{It's gonna be a long day,} thought Trent.

Aeris awoke with a start. Had the floor just creaked? She peeked out the door to find Trent sneaking downstairs. {Fool,} she thought, {He'll be lost within ten seconds without me.} Creeping softly behind, she followed him outdoors. He walked back in the direction of the church where Aeris had been growing her flowers. {Where did he say he was headed?} she thought. {Oh, yeah. Sector 7.} He was going the wrong way. Aeris knew that he'd have to pass through a certain pipe to get to Sector 7, so she crept over there and waited. Sure enough, Trent came back. He started when he saw her.

"Going somewhere?" She showed her teeth.

"Look, Aeris, I had to get away from your mom. She was practically drooling over me!"

{I know the feeling.} "Are you quite finished?"

"Hey, I thought you needed a bodyguard. How are you going to get back home from Sector 7 if you can't take care of yourself?"

"I'll try walking. If that doesn't work, I'll fly. C'mon. Let me show you the way to Sector 7." She started walking. Trent was forced to hurry in order to keep up.

They were almost all the way to Wall Market when they were attacked by a house. That's right, a house. {Never fails,} Aeris thought, {Every fucking time I meet a guy, weird things start happening.}

Trent drew his sword and sliced a big-ass chunk off of the house. The house made a face (!), and hit him back.

{This is just too goddamn weird,} Aeris thought, and swung her staff at the house with all her might.

The goddamn thing rebounded, having no effect whatsoever on the house.

"Fuck this shit," she muttered, rifling through her purse. Ah, here we go. She hauled out the submachine gun she'd stolen from the Turk lackey the day before. Pausing quickly to tie a headband around her forehead, she shouted "WAR!" and opened fire.

The house burst into flames. Aeris looked around--There! Another one. "WAR!" another house burst into flames. Another! That house wasn't moving, and there appeared to be people living in it, but it was still a house. "WAR!" Another explosion.

A cardboard cutout of a ski-mask-wearing robber popped up. "WAR!" Soon it was riddled with bullets. A cat stretched in the sun. "WAR!" It won't do that again! Several nuns emerged from a convent. "WAR!" They were sent diving behind any makeshift shelter that presented itself.

A small child emerged from behind a shack and said, "I gotta go potty!" Trent winced in expectation, and Aeris shouted "WAR!"--

--And ran out of bullets (Author's note: You didn't really think I would kill a kid off, did you? Shame on you!). Trent breathed a sigh of relief. Aeris reached into her purse--

Trent put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on. Let's get out of here before you kill anyone else." The two of them walked away.

A small, white, and furry shape wielding a spear dropped to the ground where Trent and Aeris had stood a moment ago, missing them both narrowly. The spear stuck point-down in the dirt. As it worked to free its spear from the earth, the furry shape watched them escape with hate in its blood-red eyes.

Trent and Aeris entered what appeared to be a playground. The sun beamed down on the idyllic scene. Birds chirped, bees sang. A shadowy, black cloaked figure sat on the swing set, singing, "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts..."

"Oh, look, Trent! It's still there!" Aeris ran up to the slide, which was shaped like a...like a...Well, like some sort of living thing. A spider, maybe. "Come on!" she shouted.

Trent shrugged, and followed her up the ladder.

"I used to come here as a child. You were in SOLDIER, weren't you?"

{Jesus,} thought Trent, {Women really do have a knack for changing the subject in a hurry.} "Yeah," he said, "First Class"

"Oh. Just like...him."

"Him?"

"Oh, just...someone I knew" {Heh,} Aeris thought, {I never knew anyone in SOLDIER. Like I'd go anywhere near those creepy-ass Turks. He he! Look, Trent's jealous!}

Just then, the gate to Sector 7 opened, and a chocobo-driven cart came through. As he watched it go by, a transformation came over Trent's face.

"Tifa?"

Aeris looked after the cart. "That was Tifa?"

"Yeah. What's she doing going to Wall Market?"

Now Aeris was the one who was jealous. "Do you want to go find out?"

"Maybe I'd better. She might need help. Are you coming?"

{You think I'd leave you alone with someone who looks like that?} "Yeah," she replied, "I might as well."

As they walked towards Wall Market, Trent and Aeris didn't notice that the shadowy figure's eyes never left them.

Preview of Chapter 4:

"Nanoo! Nanoo!"

"She's got black hair, really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head."

"I am Don Cornholio! Where I come from, we have no bunghole!"