Yonban Sho

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Wall Market was what the writers of the English Language had in mind when they invented the word, "cacophony". It was almost as noisy and chaotic as an average session of the Canadian Parliament. Trent was dismayed--How would he ever find Tifa in a place the size of this?

Presently a bedraggled old man approached Trent and Aeris, saying, "Hey mishter, cud'ja shpare some change?"

Trent cut his head off and started searching the streets. In a nearby alley, he found a young man in a state of some agitation. Trent ignored him, but Aeris approached the fellow and said, "Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Nanoo! Nanoo!" replied the young man, sweating.

As Trent and Aeris walked east towards the Honey Bee Inn, a small white form stepped out from behind the young man, pointing a spear at his back. "Kuso," it said, "Werry kud. j00 mey gho now. Kuso!"

{A cathouse,} thought Trent, {What a perfect place to find Tifa!} He approached the bouncer and said, "Hey, have you seen a new girl in town? Tifa Lockheart?"

"Hmm," replied the bouncer, "I'm not too good with names. Doesn't ring a bell, buddy. Sorry."

"She's got black hair," Trent said, "really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head."

"Oh her!" replied the bouncer, "Who could forget her! Yeah, you wanna be at the Don Cornholio's mansion. Good luck getting in, though. The Don, he doesn't like boys."

Trent physically hauled several youths off of Aeris by the scruff of the neck, much the way one would remove a kitten from furniture it wasn't allowed to be on. Each youth went flying in a different direction, grinning and clutching a flower. Aeris was grinning, too, and counting a lot of Gil. You figure out what happened.

Trent pulled Aeris aside to confer. No really, that's all he wanted. Just to "confer," hehehe! He said, "Aeris, can you think of a way to get me into Don Cornholio's mansion?" Trent had already thought of one way to get in, but he hoped that Aeris had a better answer.

Aeris grinned.

"Oh, shit."

Trent emerged from the dressing room, wearing a dress. Naturally, there were about sixteen thousand people with cameras outside. When most of them left, those cameras were firmly wedged in their rectums.

"OK," Trent said, "I've got the dress, perfume, and wig. What else could a guy possibly need?"

"Besides a loppitofomy?" inquired Aeris, "I think perhaps you need some underclothing."

"I've got some," Trent said, "Boxers, of course."

"Try again," replied Aeris.

Trent tried to argue, so of course, he wound up on his way to the Honey Bee Inn a little faster than he would have otherwise. On the way by, they found the same guy who was there before, who had said, "Nanoo, nanoo" His face was pale, and he was sweating.

"Got some drugs?" he asked.

Trent handed him an aspirin. The young man promptly attempted to snort it.

"Woooeee!" said the young man, "This shit's da bomb! Here, have this chunka plastic. It ain't much, but it's all I got."

Trent looked down at the card. It was a Honey Bee Inn membership card.

"I get the strange feeling that somebody wants me to go in there." said Trent.

"Yeah," replied Aeris, "Me. Get moving."

He left Aeris at the door and entered the Honey Bee Inn. He was met by a dreamy-faced young lady having a toke.

"Um," he said, "I haven't decided what I want yet."

"Do I look like I give a shit?" replied the woman.

"Um," Trent repeated, "I guess not."

Just to see if the bitch would come out of her drug-induced stupor, Trent started listening at random keyholes. Most of it was the kind of shit you'd expect from a cathouse, but one conversation caught his attention in particular.

"Hey! Stop that self-stimulating behavior!"

"No."

"How about if I give you a lollipop?"

"OK"

"Here. That's a relief...HEY! I said stop!"

"No way! I can have all this fun, and still get a free lollipop!"

Then a brick hit Trent in the back of the head. The last thing he heard before the lights went out was a high-pitched voice saying, "Kuso!"

Aeris was just about to give up on Trent when he was dragged out of the Honey Bee Inn by a stoned prostitute, with dried blood encrusted on his head.

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed, whirling on the whore, "Did you do this?"

The whore took a deep drag of crack and replied, "Honey, do I look like I could do this to a big fellow like that? I found this brick next to him. I take it your friend likes it rough, that's all."

Aeris hefted Trent in a fireman's carry and took him back to the Inn (The real Inn, I mean, not the cathouse). When he awoke, feeling groggy, he said, "I guess getting underwear isn't that important. 'Snot like I'm about to let this Don guy look at my undies anyway." Reluctantly, Aeris agreed. It would have been funnier than hell to snap pics of Trent wearing women's underwear.

The next day, when Trent's headache had receded to the "smashed-drunk-for-two-weeks-straight-hangover" caliber, he dressed up like a woman and went to pay a visit upon the infamous Don Cornholio. By now, Aeris had snapped enough covert photos to blackmail the Pope himself, so she wasn't so reluctant to see this little "adventure" end. They presented themselves at the gate, and a lackey answered them.

"Yeah, sure," he said, "As you are no doubt already aware, every day, the Don lines up three hot chicks, and picks one to have tawdry sex with, and for some reason they keep showin' up, even though the Don is a card-carrying retard who thinks he's from another planet. Anyway, we need two, so you're in."

For the first time, he looked up, and added, "Hey, you two are pretty hot. Can you wait here while I get a camera so I can take a picture of you together."

Trent tried to look bored and was about to reply, when Aeris clamped a hand over his mouth and replied, "Sure honey."

When the guard was gone, she said to Trent, "Idiot! Did you have some surgery you didn't tell me about, or would your voice have given you away?"

Oops! thought Trent, but what he said was, "Never mind that! Let's find Tifa!" Pursued hotly by Aeris, he dashed up a staircase. On the top stair, he slipped on a banana peel, and fell backwards down the stairs, toppling Aeris like a bowling pin. More cautiously now, they both proceded up the stairs and into a room on the west side of the building. Inside, they found a dungeon.

Aeris looked nervously around and said, "I wonder if they have any--"

A rat jumped into her face and chittered menacingly. Aeris shrieked.

Trent laughed and put the fake rat back in his pocket.

{Asshole,} thought Aeris.

At the bottom of the stairs was Tifa, who didn't (of course) recognize Trent. Aeris approached her and said, "Are you Tifa?"

Surprised, Tifa replied, "Yes, I am. Have we met?"

"Trent sent me in here to help you out." Suppressing a mischevious grin, she added, "A bit of an asshole, isn't he?"

Tifa shrugged, and said, "You get used to it. What I can't get over is that disgusting nose-picking habit of his!"

Trent jerked his finger out of his nose and glared at both of them.

{Vengeance,} thought Aeris, {Is mine!}

The sound of muffled profanity came from just beyond the doorway. The guard from outside looked in and said, "There you are! C'mon, ya sluts, the Don's waiting!"

The three of them were led before an obese fellow, who was in the process of telling one of his aides, "You will purchase TP! TP for my bunghole!"

The guard cleared his throat, signalling for the Don's attention.

Rifle-like, the Don's eyes swivelled to bear on the guard. In a menacing tone of voice, he asked, "Do you have any...polio?"

"Erm..." replied the guard, "I got your gal pals for the night, boss!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" The Don turned to address Trent, Aeris, and Tifa. "I am Don Cornholio!" he exclaimed, "Where I come from, we have no bunghole!"

"Where exactly is that?" asked Aeris.

The Don beamed, "I come from Lake Titticaca! Lake Titticaca! I want all your crapachino! m-m-m-m-m-m-m-huhhuhhuhheheheheehe!"

"Aw, shit," said the guard, "He's having a seizure again." He spoke into a mike, and a nurse came into the room, injected the Don with a pale yellow fluid, and buggered off again.

"Now," said the Don, "Where were we? Oh yes....UNDERWEAR CHECK!"

{Oh, shit!}

The guard replied, "I'm wearing boxers!"

The Don turned to his aide, pointed at the guard and said, "Kill him! Kill him until he is dead!" The aide dragged the protesting guard away. Fortunately, the incident had made Don Cornholio forget about the underwear check. He stood up, paced back and forth, and scratched his head, monkey-like.

Suddenly, the Don pointed at Aeris and shouted, "You! Tonight, you will cleanse my bunghole!" Aeris's face turned a sickly green, and Trent and Tifa were led away.

Fortunately for Aeris, the Don appeared too stupid to do much of anything. He sat and discussed his bunghole for a long period of time, while Aeris silently thought, {Hurry up, Trent. Hurry the fuck up!}

Just when she was about to give up on them, Trent and Tifa burst into the room.

"What is this?" demanded Don Cornholio, "You will bow down before my bunghole!"

"I don't fucking think so, fat man," replied Tifa. "We know that you've been working for the Shinra. What did you tell them? Talk, or I'll, um, fill in your bunghole!"

"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! The men in suits make me find nudist Mr. T, that all! I swear!"

Trent added, "How much did you find out. Talk, or I'll...er...fill in your bunghole," he finished lamely.

"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! I find Mr. T. in a bar in Sector 7. I tell them! I meant no harm!"

Aeris said, "And what are they planning to do about it? I know you know. If you don't talk, I'll fill in your bunghole!!!!"

"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! They going to blow up the support for the plate above Sector 7 and crush all!"

"Oh, fuck!" exclaimed Tifa, "We've got to stop that! C'mon, let's go!" As they were on their way out the door, however, Cornholio shouted, "Stop! Why you think I tell you all, when the Shinra may kill Cornholio?"

"Um," replied Trent, "why?"

"Because," Cornholio replied smugly, "You have fallen...into the clapper trap!"

"You swine!" Trent replied, and the floor fell out from beneath them.

Preview of Chapter 5:

"So, Bigass, how's that male itch coming?"

"...I never thought I'd be glad to be holding a chunk of my own guts in my hand, but you know, this pretty much does the trick."

"Well, to me it looks more like an ominous, forbidding wire of death."