Goban Sho

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Flashback!

{Tifa climbed up to the well at Nibelheim, where Trent had asked to meet her.

"So," he said, "You like...stuff?"

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "Stuff is wonderful. I used to have a great big trunk full of stuff, but it caught fire."

"That sux0r."

"Yeah. Sux0r hardcore. What is it you wanted to see me about?"

"I go bye-bye soon. Want to fight crime, like Batman."

"Jeez. All the boys are motoring out of here so fast you'd swear that we were running that damn Barq's root beer commercial."

"Whaddaya mean, Barq's has bite?"

"Don't make me kick your ass, Trent."

"Sorry."

"Hey, Trent..."

"Yuh?"

"Are you the devil?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, pretty sure. Why?"

"Just checking. A girl likes to know if the boy she's talking to is the devil, that's all."

"Oh. Well I'm not the devil."

"I think you are, you know."

"Well I'm not."

"Aw, come on, fess up, Trent! Admit that you're the devil."

"I already told you, I'm not the devil."

"Admit it! You're the devil, aren't you?"

"OK, I admit it. I'm the devil. Can I go home now?"

"Are you sure that you're the devil?"

"Yes. Absolutely, positively, 100% sure that I am the devil."

"That's what I thought."}

Light. And then, unfortunately, smell. Yes, Tifa Lockheart was indeed having the pleasant experience of waking up to discover that she's been sleeping in a puddle of poo. Just for reference: If you were ever considering going to bed in a puddle of poo, don't. It's a bad idea.

Tifa stood up to find Trent and Aeris also recovering their senses after a short nap in a very unpleasant place. Suddenly, Aeris gasped.

"Dammit, Trent, that's not funny!" she exclaimed.

"What's not funny?"

"That giant stuffed rat"

"Stuffed rat?"

Tifa looked to where Aeris was pointing. There was a rat that was literally bigger than the three of them put together. And it was breathing.

"That," said Tifa, "Is no ordinary rat."

"You know much that is hidden, O Tim," replied Trent.

"Stop calling me Tim!"

"OK, Tim."

"I mean it! Stop!"

"Hey, sure thing, Tim. I'd never do anything to upset you."

"Listen, buddy, if you call me Tim one more time, I'm gonna have to pound you!"

"Don't call me buddy!"

"Sure thing, Ramona."

"My name's not Ramona!"

"OK, Ramona. I won't call you Ramona any more."

"This was funny when I was doing it to you, but now that you're doing it to me, it sucks!"

"You can say that again, Ramona!"

Trent drew his sword. "Let's just call it even, OK?"

"Yeah, OK. Ramona."

During this exchange, Aeris's eyes hadn't left the rat. "Um," she said, "Don't you think we should do something about the giant, slavering predator hovering over our heads?"

Tim...I mean, Tifa looked up and said, "Y'okay. Let's...um...kill it or something."

It had been a lovely day for Randolph the Rat. First, he found a Randolph-sized mousetrap that had already been sprung, so he got to eat the cheese and the rat that had sprung the trap. Now there were visitors in his sewer. Randolph liked visitors. They were cuddly and sang to him. He was beginning to understand that when they made the "Kuso" sound, they were trying to communicate in some way. These new visitors weren't so cute, and made more complicated noises, but Randolph decided that they were OK anyway. They seemed friendly enough. He watched them make noises at one another. One in particular seemed especially friendly, since its eyes never left Randolph. He bent closer to sniff at it, and it let out a loud, high pitched sound that Randolph decided must be some sort of communication. Yes, it was looking more and more like the visitors were actually intelligent!

The next thing to go through Randolph's mind was a sword.

After a moment of disorientation, he stood up. There was a Randolph-sized rat lying motionless on the ground in front of him. That was pretty rare, since Randolph was VERY big. That was why he was so friendly--he didn't have to be afraid of predators. He merrily skipped around, remembering too late that when he skipped in this part of the sewer, he hit his head on the ceiling.

Except that he didn't. His head passed harmlessly into the metal, out the other side, and back down into the sewer. He was facing the other way now, and he saw yet another rat. "Squeak?" he inquired.

SQUEAK, explained the Death of Rats.

Trent climbed up the manhole to find himself in what appeared to be a teenager's bedroom...No wait, check that, it was a train wreck involving at least 26 separate trains. Tifa climbed out, followed closely by Aeris.

"Holy shit," breathed Aeris.

Trent looked back into the sewer, and said, "Yes, it's very impressive."

As the three of them picked their way through the remains of several trains, they each heard, or thought they did, an agonized squeal of "KUSO!"

"What was that?" asked Tifa.

"Dunno," replied Trent, "It sounded like an agonized, dying scream."

"Thanks, Trent, you're a real comfort."

"I does my humble best."

Just then, a ghost floated by them, carrying what appeared to be a moogle's severed head.

Trent remarked, "There's something you don't see every day."

As the party crossed the remainder of the Train Graveyard, they failed to notice the black-cloaked figure who followed them, singing softly under its breath.

All hell had already broken loose when Trent, Tifa, and Aeris reached the tower surrounding the Sector 7 pillar. As they approached the gate, a white, furry shape popped up in front of them, brandishing a spear and screaming "Kuso!" A shadow appeared overhead. The moogle looked up...and was promptly crushed by the falling form of Vedge.

"Shit," said Vedge, "I must have fallen asleep while perched precariously at the top of the tower."

"It happens," replied Trent.

"Kuso," called a plaintive voice from under Vedge's enormous girth

"What did you say?" asked Trent.

"Huh? Nothing." said Vedge.

"Oh. It must have been my imagination then."

There was another muffled "Kuso!", but nobody was listening anymore, certainly not Vedge, who was now too busy being dead to talk to any trapped moogles.

Tifa turned to Aeris and said, "At my bar in Sector 7, there's a little girl named Marlene. Can you get her the hell out of Sector 7?"

Aeris snapped a smart salute and said, "Aye aye, sir!"

"Don't call me sir, my parents were married."

"OK, Tim."

"Look, bitch, what makes you think that I'm going to let you get away with calling me Tim?"

"I'm the only one who can save your child-friend's life."

"Oh, yeah."

"So long, Tim!"

"So long."

About a quarter of the way up the ladder, Trent and Tifa ran into the dying form of Bigass.

"Heya...Trent", Bigass gasped.

"Heya, Bigass!", responded Trent.

"You remembered my name," gasped Bigass.

"I'd have to be stoned to forget it, Bigass!"

"Heh. Yeah....I (gasp) guess you're (gasp) right."

"So, Bigass, how's that male itch coming?"

"You were (gasp) right, Trent. (gasp)That Gold Bond(r) (gasp) medicated powder (gasp) really did the trick."

"And the dandruff?"

But Bigass's eyes stared at nothing now. His pulse grew cold, his body flaccid. The grim hand of Death laid its icy hand on the shoulder of the valiant hero. So, who wants ice cream?

Half way up the tower, it was Jessie's nearly inert form the Dynamic Duo (er...Trent and Tifa, I mean) encountered.

"Hoya, Trent," Jessie said cheerfully.

"That does it!" screamed Tifa, "I am so sick of everybody paying attention to Trent and ignoring me. What am I, chopped liver?"

"Nope," replied Jessie, "You're definitely a woman. Chopped liver is smaller, and tastes like shit."

"Well," said Trent, "Tifa'd probably taste like shit right now. You see, we just came from the sewer!"

"Oh," said Jessie, "Then I guess this chunk of guts here," she held up a chunk of guts that was no longer attached to her, "must be in some way responsible for my olfactory system. I never thought I'd be glad to be holding a chunk of my own guts in my hand, but you know, this pretty much does the trick." Soon she, too, was staring at nothing except perhaps for the cold, hard face of Death. So Trent ate her guts.

At the top of the tower, they were met with a sight that would send many grown men weeping for their mommies. Yup, Bare-it was there! Screaming profanity at the top of his lungs, firing off round after round of heroic ammunition, hair waving in the wind...well, I guess he didn't really have any hair, but if he did, it would definitely be waving in the wind. As Trent and Tifa reached Bare-it, a Shinra helicopter hove to, and Reno of the Turks jumped out. Unfortunately, he landed on the tower instead of plunging many stories to impact on the cold, unyielding pavement. That would have been cool.

Reno turned to face the Three Amigos (Er, I mean Trent, Tifa, and Bare-It). "I don't suppose," he said, "That you'd care to stand there gaping like morons while I plant an explosive device on this pillar that will send the upper plate crashing down and condemning millions to their fiery deaths?"

The Three Amigos stood still, gaping like morons.

"Gee, thanks," said Reno, and installed the explosives. "Bye-bye", he said, and jumped back on the helicopter.

"By the way," he said, "We've got Aeris!" He gestured to Aeris, who stuck her tongue out at him. Tseng bitch-slapped her.

"Toodles!" called Reno as they buggered off.

The Three Amigos stood still, gaping like morons.

"Hey," said Bare-It, "Do you think we should leave now?"

"OK," replied Trent, and they swung Tarzan-like on a live electrical wire without so much as a shock as the backdrop exploded action-movie like.

Flashback!

{Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads! Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!}

Trent opened his eyes. He noticed that he was in the park just outside Wall Market, with Tifa sitting on the slide, and Bare-It firing rounds into the wreckage where Sector 7 used to be. The dark cloaked figure still sat on the swings, singing, "2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? Moogles! Moogles! Rah-rah-rah! Flush 'em down the toilet, ha-ha-ha!"

"...telling you, Bare-It," Tifa was saying, "Marlene's alive! I asked Aeris to look after her."

"Who's Aeris?"

"That woman in the helicopter with Reno and Tseng."

"Oh great. So now the fucking Shinra have Marlene, unless that odiferous bitch was a Shinra agent, in which case Marlene's still somewhere under this big-ass pile of wreckage!" Bare-It was quivering in rage.

"Well, OK, but do you want to check?"

"Sure."

The Three Amigos headed south, towards Aeris's house.

As they approached Aeris's house, Trent remembered what Aeris's Mom was like.

"Er," he said, "I just remembered something I gotta do. I'll meet up with you guys after you're done in there."

Tifa asked, "What could be more important than finding out if Marlene's alive?"

Thinking quickly, Trent responded, "I gotta tinkle! kthxbye!" He dashed off towards a wooded area located conveniently nearby.

This is yet another short-ass paragraph.

As Tifa and Bare-It emerged from Aeris's house, Trent came out of the woods, remembering to plaster a relieved look on his face. Once he noticed that Aeris's Mom was staying inside, he really was relieved, so it was an easy pretense to maintain. The Three Amigos headed back towards Wall Market.

"What now?" inquired Bare-It rhetorically.

"Well," said Trent, "I'm pretty sure we should head up to the upper level and kick some serious Shinra ass. I mean, they kinda killed everybody. They're mean."

"Gotta admit, ass-kicking sounds pretty good to me, but how are we gonna get up there?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"I hate to tell you this, Trent, but we kinda are at that bridge."

"Oh. I guess you're right. Fuck."

They proceded in silence until they reached the Don's manor, where three children were playing.

"Hey," said one of the kids, "Do you wanna see something cool? I found a wire that must lead all the way to the upper world!" The three kids dashed off to the east. Curious, the Three Amigos followed them. Two of the kids started climbing the wire, and the third chickened out. The Three Amigos turned to confer.

"Well," said Tifa, "You think we should climb it?"

Bare-It replied, "Hey, that might just look like an ordinary wire to you, but to me, that's a golden, shining wire of hope."

Trent squinted at the wire, pondered a moment, and said, "Nope. Can't say as I agree. It still looks pretty much like an ordinary wire."

Tifa added, "Well, to me it looks more like an ominous, forbidding wire of death."

Now it was Bare-It's turn to squint. "Yeah," he said, "I can see where you'd get that."

"Hey," said Tifa, "Where's Trent?"

They both looked up to find Trent already climbing the wire.

"Well, I guess that's our decision made for us." Bare-It and Tifa hurried after Trent.

Preview of Chapter 6:

"Cute? CUTE? He is a KILLING MACHINE!"

"I gotta go real bad. Like gushing, rushing waterfalls bad."

"I wish I could reach my groin with my tongue,"