Hachiban Sho

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At sunrise, Trent, Bare-It, and Aeris left the town of Kalm, bound for the grasslands where Sephy Lee Roth had last been seen with Jehova. Aeris, always an early riser, had already been up for an hour before the three of them headed out. She was humming cheerfully and setting a brisk pace.

"Mornings suck," griped Bare-It, "It's cold and unpleasant, and the goddamn sun's not even up yet."

Trent yawned and said nothing. Aeris pointedly ignored Bare-It's commentary.

The three walked in near silence for about an hour. Finally, a house showed up on the horizon.

Bare-It groaned, "Thank heavens. Can we stop for a coffee?"

"Nope," replied Trent, "It's still too early." He paced on, unconcerned, until Bare-It fired a round over his head.

"Smarten up, Bare-It."

Bare-It sulked, and they proceded past the house and onto the marshland.

"This is boring," complained Bare-It, "I wish something interesting would happ-"

A 40 foot tall cobra burst out of a hole in the ground, hissing menacingly.

"Er, actually," said Bare-It, "I was kinda hoping for something funny or otherwise entertaining."

The snake said, "Well, at times like this, I always like to saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...."

Hundreds of children burst out of holes in the ground singing,

Every sperm is sacred!

Every sperm is great!

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate!

The children began to dance, forming a well choreographed circle around the big cobra, who was singing in unison with them, hissing his sibilants. Well-dressed young men descended from the mountains, playing trumpets and saxophones.

Abruptly, the din faded to silence, and one angel-faced young girl stepped to the fore, addressed Bare-It, and sang in a heartbreakingly beautiful voice,

All things dull and ugly

All creatures great and small

All things crude and nasty

The Lord God made them all

Each nasty litle hornet

Each beastly little squid

Who made the spiky urchin?

Who made the sharks? HE DID!

On cue, the rest of the children burst into song and the trumpets resumed.

Eventually, however, the music died down, and the children returned to bed.

"Now," hissed the cobra, "It is dinner time for me!" It raised itself up to full height, and plunged down towards Bare-It--

Missing him entirely, and impacting just behind him. The cobra's head came up again, leaving the headless remains of a furry white figure with a spear poised to strike Bare-It's back.

"Um, RUN!" exclaimed Aeris.

Thinking it was futile, the three of them ran back towards the house in the grasslands, pursued by the giant cobra.

Trent was surprised to notice that when they left the marsh, the cobra stopped pursuing. He was winded, but only needed to summon the image of that headless moogle to find the reserve to keep running.

Presently the party reached the house on the grasslands. This time, Bare-It didn't ask for permission. He went straight up to the door and knocked.

An elderly man answered. He looked them over and said, "Let me guess--You ran into the Midgar Zolom?"

"The what?" inquired Aeris.

"Big ol' snake. Likes to sing."

"Oh, yeah. We met him alright."

"Clever bastard. Likes to wear ya down with dancing and merriment. Makes you easier prey, y'see."

"Er...he seemed like a nice enough fellow to me, right up to the whole attempting-to-eat-us thing."

"Oh, yeah, he's a nice fellow alright! Raving Nazi, but you'll never meet a nicer fellow. Come on in. I'll set you up."

"Um, set us up?" inquired Trent.

"Yeah, if you want to get by the Zolom, you're gonna have to be faster than it--for that, you'll need a chocobo--and I can sell you chocobo lure!"

"This isn't a farm, then."

"Aw, hell no! I make a career of selling chocobo lure. Every fool who comes through here needs to get some."

"Got a deal worked out with the Zolom, do you"

"Y-no!"

"Oh, OK. You should, though. Make more money that way."

"Yes, but it would be totally unethical. I'm a man of honor."

With Bare-It equipped with chocobo lure, the party wandered the grasslands, hoping to encounter one of the elusive animals. For seven days and seven nights did they search fruitlessly, and on the eighth day, did the Lord say--

"Hey numbnuts!"

Bare-It sat bolt upright in the chill predawn hours. Arsechimp was hunched over him. Trent and Aeris were yawning, having been awakened somewhat more gently by Tifa.

"Wha'sa matter?" inquired Bare-It sleeplessly.

"Why've you been pissing around here so long?" asked Arsechimp.

"We've been trying to catch a chocobo, so that big-ass snake doesn't make us into a nice light snack!"

"Why are you searching over here instead of over there?" asked Arsechimp, gesturing with his nose towards a verdant plain.

"What's that spot got that this brown, disgusting grass doesnt?"

"It's covered in chocobo shit"

"Oh."

"It makes great fertilizer, you know"

"That's nice."

"I mean really great fertilizer."

"I'm not carrying a sack of chocobo shit around."

"Damn."

Trent, Bare-It, and Arsechimp crossed the marsh on the back of a chocobo. They dismounted, and turned towards the gate. Bare-It gasped, and Trent turned to see what he was looking at--

It was the Midgar Zolom, impaled on a big-ass spike.

A young girl was moping disconsolately by the snake, mournfully singing, "Every sperm is saaaaaaacred..."

Bare-It turned to Trent. "The guy we're chasing can do that?"

Trent nodded. Barely above a whisper, he added, "What's more, he can burp the alphabet."

"Bastard!"

A human head popped out of the snake's ass, followed shortly by the rest of a man. He scraped snake shit off of himself as best he could, nose wrinkling in distaste. He was attempting to comb the snake shit out of his beard when he spotted the party.

"Do not go in there!" he said.

"We won't," Trent assured him.

Beyond the Zolom lay a tunnel. Trent preceded the others into it. It was nice and dank. Several mushrooms were growing in a corner. (Dank environments are ideal for mushroom growth, you know). He idly picked a few mushrooms and nibbled on them while he waited for Bare-It to squeeze through the narrow opening. Once everybody was in, they continued through the cave.

Poppin' Fresh leapt up in front of Trent and said, "Halt! We Turks will not allow you to pass!"

"I didn't know you were a Turk, Poppin' Fresh!" exclaimed Trent.

"Wha...?"

Trent poked the doughboy in the belly.

"He-he!"

Trent began to hear the song In The Hall of the Mountain King play, as gigantic condoms began to dance around his head.

Suddenly, the cave wall exploded, and Catwoman jumped out, and said, "Sir! Tseng is coming!"

"What the hell? Elena, what are you doing here?" asked Poppin' Fresh in irritation, and turned to Catwoman.

"Ah-hah!" exclaimed Trent, and mightily flung a batarang at his arch-nemesis.

"..The fuck?" said Catwoman, "A mushroom?" She ate it, and continued, "Hey! Poppin' Fresh! What have you done with Reno? He was here a minute ago!"

"I'm right here!" exclaimed Poppin' Fresh in irritation. Trent handed him a mushroom.

"What? Oh, I love fresh mushrooms!" Poppin' Fresh popped the offering into his mouth, and continued, "Hey! Batman! Can I have your autograph?

Trent patted his chest, and said, "Jeez, I'm out of paper again!"

"Sign my bum instead!" Poppin' Fresh dropped his pants.

"Aw, man, I don't have a pen, either!"

"Use this knife!" suggested Poppin' Fresh.

Carefully, Trent wrote "Batman" on Poppin' Fresh's bum with the penknife.

A spider descended from a stalactite, and resolved into the shape of Gilbert Gottfried.

"Whaaaaattaya doin?" exclaimed Gottfried, "Dammit, Reno, pull yer pants up! Nobody wants ta see ya bum!"

Poppin' Fresh stuffed a mushroom into Gottfried's open mouth.

"Hey, fellas," called Catwoman, "You got the feeling there's something we should be doin'?"

"Yeah," said Gilbert, "I think we was supposta find Sephy Lee Roth, who's fled to Junon Harbor, but we were supposed to make sure nobody else knew where we was goin'!"

Poppin' Fresh added, "There's another secret we're supposed to keep, too..."

Gilbert put in, "Oh, yeah, we're not supposed to tell anybody that the combination to the wallsafe that President Rufus keeps his personal porn collection in is 36-4-12!"

"You don't suppose he'll begrudge our sharing that little bit of information with Batman, do ya?"

"Aw, hell, we can tell Batman anything!"

Bare-It and Arsechimp, who hadn't tried any mushrooms, just stood there with their jaws agape.

Later that night, when Trent had recovered from his trip, Aeris and Tifa caught up with the rest of the party.

"You wouldn't believe--" Aeris begain.

"Oh, yes, I would," groaned Trent.

"'Shrooms." Bare-It explained.

Aeris giggled, and Trent threw a rock at her.

"Whose turn is it to cook?" Tifa inquired brightly.

"Mine," answered Bare-It, and Trent groaned again. Bare-It threw a rock at him. The rock sailed over Trent's head, bounced off of one tree, and went flying behind another. There was a dull thud.

"Kuso!"

Another dull thud.

In keeping with the spirit of things, Tifa whipped a rock at Arsechimp. Arsechimp leapt and caught a branch with this teeth. Aeris threw another rock at him, but aimed just a little too high...

Later, when Arsechimp had pulled all of the bee stings out of everybody, they agreed that it was not a good idea to play with rocks.

Trent sighed and sat down. Then he yelped and jumped six feet into the air.

"You missed one," he said to Arsechimp accusingly.

A giggle wafted out from behind another tree.

Instantly alert, all five of the party members drew their weapons.

"Oh shit!" the voice said, and then the party was engulfed in flames.

Rolling in multiple directions, they converged on the offending tree, and discovered a ninja behind it. In short order, they had defeated and disarmed her.

"You cheated!" she accused.

"How do you cheat in combat?" asked Aeris incredulously.

"There are five of you and one of me. If it had been one on one, you'd have been scared to fight me!"

"Well, you got me," said Trent dryly, rolling his eyes.

"See?" said the ninja, who hadn't seen the eye-roll, "Well, since you admit that you ph33r my 37337 f1gh71ng sk177z, I'll join you! My name is Yuppie Pissanti."

"Quick," said Trent, "I think she's serious! Let's bugger off."

The five of them set off in five different directions.

"Hey!" exclaimed Yuppie, "Wait for me!"

Preview of Chapter 9:

"I miss my head"

"Say, is that snot on your shoe?"

"I have PMS and want to kill something"