Kyuban Sho

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Sephy Lee Roth entered Junon Town under the cover of darkness. As always, the voice of his mother spoke directly into his mind:

"I miss my head," she said.

"Yes, mummy."

"I really think you should get rid of that sword."

"No, mummy."

"Don't you think it's just a little too big?"

"No, mummy."

"I still think that if you had been using a slightly smaller sword back in Nibelheim, you wouldn't have cut my head off."

"It was an accident, mummy."

"I know, dear, I know."

Sephy turned around, accidentally cutting away several key joists with his sword, causing a house to collapse.

"My house!" blubbered an old man, "My beautiful house! All gone!" He began to wail mournfully.

"Terribly sorry," said Sephy.

"Why are you so mean?" the old man blubbered.

"I said I was sorry!"

"My house!" protested the old man.

"What do you want me to do?" said Sephy incredulously, "I'm s-o-r-r-y already. Sheesh! Townsfolk". He stalked off.

The old man fell to his knees in front of what remained of his house and wept.

Sephy and Jehova quickly reached the military fort run by the Hair Club for Men. A RAZOR guard stood barring the path. "No entrance," he said.

"Please?" asked Sephy.

"No."

"Awwwww, come on!"

"No."

"I'll be your friend!"

"Nope!"

"You're a meanie."

"Sorry."

"Does that mean you'll let me in?"

"No."

"I'll give you a lollipop!"

"No."

"I have a note from my mother!"

"No."

"Say, is that snot on your shoe?"

The guard's eyes widened. "SNOT?" he said, looking down. Sephy quickly motioned Jehova to slip past the guard, and followed her. The tip of Sephy's enormous sword briefly snagged on the RAZOR guard's belt, causing his pants to fall down. The guard looked up.

"There's no snot there! I thought you said--"

He looked around. The area was deserted except for a tumbleweed blowing across the square.

"He's buggered off!" The guard turned sharply, tripped on his own trousers, and fell flat on his face.

A black-cloaked figure impassively watched Sephy and Jehova's progress through the city, singing show tunes under his breath.

{Trent stepped into the tavern. He needed a drink, badly. He scanned the room, and brightened when he saw Tifa gesturing to him.

"Come on, Trent! It's good to see you again."

Then, a voice from the other side of the room called out, "Hey Trent! Come sit over here!" It was Aeris.

Torn, Trent looked from side to side. A few steps would take him to either one of them...and away from the other. Tifa's familiar face welcomed him, and Aeris's heartmeltingly green eyes beckoned. Who could he choose...?}

"Hey, numbnuts! Get up! It's your turn to cook breakfast!"

"Wha-?" Trent said blearily, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

"I said it's your turn to get the friggin' grub! Hurry up! I'm starving!."

Trent glanced at the source of the voice. It was Arsechimp, practically sitting on top of him.

"Hey, Trent," said Arsechimp solicitously, "Do you have to urinate? I noticed that your member is swollen."

Trent flushed bright red. Bare-It barked a laugh, "Got a little mornin' wood, eh, boy? Finally growin' up, I see."

Trent wished that he would die, then and there. Tifa and Aeris were studiously ignoring him.

Trent sighed, "Mama said there'd be days like this."

That afternoon, the party reached Fort Condor. A man met them outside and said, "Please, sirs, we need help to protect our Condor from the Hair Club for Men!" He ushered them into the building, where they met the Elder of Fort Condor.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," briefed the Elder, "As you are aware, this settlement was built to protect the endangered Condor which has laid an egg in the warmth of the abandoned Mako reactor here. Unfortunately, the Hair Club for Men wishes to pluck the feathers from the Condor to make artificial hair in seven exciting new colors. We have little money, and are expecting an attack any day. Please, is there any way you can help us?"

The party gathered to confer.

"I say do it," said Bare-It, "It's for the good of the planet, and anything that is bad for the Hair Club is good for us."

"I concur," added Arsechimp, "I am sickened by the lengths the Hair Club for Men will do to secure a new product line."

"I like the pretty birdie," added Yuppie, "Let's kick some ass!"

"I have PMS and want to kill something," added Aeris, "It might as well be someone from the Hair Club."

"I also agree," said Tifa, "Well, Trent, that's five out of six votes to protect the bird. What do you say?"

Trent shrugged.

After yet another nervous breakdown, Greg the Guard transferred out of Midgar entirely. His confidence was restored, and he was proud of his new Hair Club for Men uniform. His current assignment was as a camp follower in the strike force that was to secure some enormous bird. The feeble defenses of Fort Condor were arrayed before the strike force. Several of them grinned in anticipation. It would be an easy fight.

A dark, unclad form stepped out from behind a boulder. The grin faded from Greg's face.

After the battle, the party departed from Fort Condor with the thanks of the elder and a map showing where Junon Town was hidden in the shadow of a cliff. Trent, Tifa, and Arsechimp strode into the town, making straight for the Hair Club's military fortress. Trent addressed the guard.

"Hey, is that snot on your shoe?"

"Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one again. No admittance!"

"Damn," swore Trent, "Well, I'm out of ideas. Let's go."

The three of them walked away.

Near the middle of the town, they heard a clamor, and rushed over to the beach. An old man was crouched over a young girl.

"Help," called the man, "She's drowning!"

"Don't look at me," said Tifa, "I don't know any CPR!"

Arsechimp just glared back. Trent shrugged, and said, "Well, I guess that leaves me." He bent over the recumbent figure and filled her lungs several times. Just when he was beginning to despair, a cough rose in the young figure, and her eyes fluttered open. Trent was the first thing she saw.

"Mommy?" she said.

"Um, no, I'm not your mother," replied Trent.

"Oh," said the girl, "Well, your hair's the same, anyway."

"Somebody else has hair like this?" exclaimed Trent in disbelief.

"Well, no, I just thought I'd try and get your goat." She laughed, and added, "I'm Priscilla. Since you saved my life and all, is there anything I can do for you?"

Arsechimp broke in, "Do you know of a way to get into the Hair Club fortress?"

Trent rolled his eyes, but the girl said, "Oh, yeah, sure. See that bar up there? My friend Flipper can jump pretty high. I bet you could reach that bar by jumping off of Flipper."

What?

"You first, Trent," said Tifa.

Oh, hell.

Trent swam into the water and called the dolphin. It leaped up, and Trent leaped off its back...and missed the bar entirely. He landed on top of a live electrical wire and passed out.

When he came to, he was surrounded by concerned faces.

"Are you OK?" asked Tifa.

"Noooo,"

"Well, you can talk," she said, "Back at it."

So once again, Trent found himself in the water. The dolphin leaped, then Trent leaped...and then he landed on the live electrical wire again.

Several minutes later:

"Are you OK?"

"Noooo,"

"Well, you can talk. Back at it."

Once more into the water. The dolphin leaped. Trent leaped. Trent fell. And landed on the live wire. Several minutes later:

"Are you OK?"

"Noooo,"

"Well, you can talk. Back at it."

Trent swam into the water. He was tempted to swim directly to the wire, but he dutifully climbed onto the dolphin, and dutifully fell onto the wire again.

Several minutes later:

"Are you OK?"

"I'm starting to like this electricity. It makes my nipples tingle."

Back into the water. The dolphin leaped, Trent leaped...and MADE IT!

Trent snuck into a locker room in the fortress and dressed himself in a RAZOR uniform. Abruptly, an officer's head popped into the room and said, "Kruger! There you are! C'mon, we're late!" Trent was hustled out to the street.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Dammit, Kruger, I thought I told you to quit drinking so much," said the officer, "The President of the Hair Club for Men is visiting Junon, and will be leaving for Costa Del Sol in his private ship. We're putting on a parade for him, and...here comes our unit. Just try to slip in and look natural!"

Thus it was that Trent found himself in the middle of a parade march. Near the docks, his group found themselves formed up in front of President Rufus and Heidegger. Trent executed the drill that Heidegger called out flawlessly, but was unable to keep a smirk off of his face.

"You there!" called Heidegger, pushing his face right into Trent's, "What's so funny?"

Trent whispered a few words into Heidegger's ear.

"Gya-ha-ha!" whooped Heidegger. He then turned to Rufus and said, "Your fly's open, sir!"

Rufus turned bright red and zipped himself up. Then he started randomly kicking soldiers in the nuts. In the confusion, Trent managed to sneak onto the waiting ship. He found Arsechimp already aboard.

"What took you so long," asked the canine, "We've been waiting."

"I was washing my hair," replied Trent.

Arsechimp bounded away and Trent found himself alone on the enemy ship. He quietly moved from bulkhead to bulkhead, sliding silently like the shadow of death.

"Hey Trent"

Trent nearly jumped out of his skin. He whirled, sword drawn, to meet--

--Yuppie, dressed in the uniform of a sailor in the Hair Club Navy.

"Ahr," she said, "Put that pigsticker away, matey, I'm one of yer mateys!"

Trent sheathed his sword, and Yuppie continued, "Ahr, matey, did ye ever dream of becoming a sailor an' spreadin' terror across the seven seas? Well, did ye, matey?"

"Yuppie," Trent said, quietly.

"Ahr, matey?"

"If you call me 'matey' one more time, I'm going to pull your codeptelpoids out through your mouth, understood?"

"Ahr," protested Yuppie, "What be codeptelpoids?"

"How bad do you want to find out?"

"Ahr," concluded Yuppie mournfully.

Trent found Aeris in an abandoned dining room. He sat down to join her. She smiled in recognition. {I could get lost in those eyes,} thought Trent, and decided that he was going to try.

Aeris interrupted his reverie with, "Jesus Christ, these grapes sure do taste funny!"

Trent glanced at the fruit basket that Aeris was eating out of, and said, "That's probably because they're made out of wax."

"Wax?"

"Yes. That is a wax fruit basket."

"It's pretty yummy for wax."

"Nevertheless."

"You're sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you want to try one?"

"No, thank-you, I'm on a strict non-wax diet. I also try to avoid eating slime."

"Just one. I'm sure you'll like it."

"You know, as much as I'd like to try just a little wax, I probably shouldn't ignore doctor's orders."

"Live a little, Trent! What harm could one grape do?"

Trent gave up, and accepted a grape from Aeris. He popped it into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. It tasted remarkably like wax.

"Well," inquired Aeris, "What do you think?"

"Absolutely delicious," said Trent, reaching for another.

Trent climbed a ladder and found himself abovedecks. He saw Tifa staring into the ocean. He decided to impress her with his "soft, poetic" side.

"It's beautiful, isn't it," he said, "The way the waves lap up against the hull, the salt tang of the air, and the heaving, rolling gait of the sea!"

Tifa leaned over the railing and vomited noisily. "Trent Strife," began Tifa, "You are a rat bastard."

Trent shrugged. His gambit to win the affections of Tifa failed, he scanned the deck for signs of other companionship. There was a sailor working on the rigging, an adjutant standing there with his thumb up his ass, a guy with a tail--

Tail?

Sure enough, Arsechimp was strolling across the deck on his hind legs..

Trent asked him, "Are you sure pretending to be a human is such a good idea?"

In a thick, fake British accent, Arsechimp replied, "Why, of course, it's jolly good! I haven't had so much fun since the time I burned down that garage! What could possibly give me away?"

"Well, for starters, the fact that you are a dog."

"How are the Hair Clubbers to know that?"

"You are covered from head to toe in thick, dull red fur."

"These are sailors. They're all shaggy."

"You have an elongated snout."

"They'll just think I'm a normal lying bastard like the rest of them. Ever heard of Pinocchio?"

"You've got a wet snout."

"Ah, the salt sea air!"

"You've got a tail."

"Well, you've got me there. But aside from the tail, I make a perfect sailor."

"Don't people take it kind of amiss that you are able to lick your own genitals?"

"Let me tell you a secret, Trent--I'm charging them admission to see me lick my own genitals."

Elsewhere in the ship, two shadowy figures strode through the engine room. The corpses of two Hair Club guards lay motionless on the floor, and Sephy Lee Roth cleaned the blood off of his sword. He spun about, knocking a trolley over, and spilling wrenches, screwdrivers, and cans of engine oil all over the floor.

"Bloody hell," he muttered.

"Sephy, my son, you are just too clumsy!" exclaimed Jehova.

"Enough. Help me wire this baby up to go supersonic. I can't wait to get to Costa del Sol and meet some beach who--I mean, er..."

"Yes?"

"Nothing, mother."

"Aw, come on. You can tell me!"

"I, er meant, make some beach holes. Yeah, that's the ticket! Holes!"

"Why would you want to dig holes in the sand."

"There's, er, treasure down there or something."

"Do you think that the Trousers are in a beach hole?"

"No, mother."

"Then let us focus on the task at ha--what are you laughing at?"

Sephy pointed to several pipes criscrossing the roof and said, "Pipe."

Jehova burst out laughing. Have you ever seen a headless naked chick laugh? It's really quite interesting. And funny. Even the corpses were laughing. Jehova flailed about the room, helpless with laughter, and accidentally hit the "General Quarters" alert button.

"Damn!" she swore.

"And you were calling me clumsy," taunted Sephy, "Now look, you've brought the Hair Club for Men down on us!"

"It never would have happened when I still had eyes, and a head to put them in.."

The doors to the engine room burst open, and in came...not Hair Club guards, as Sephy expected, but Trent Strife, Arsechimp, and Aeris Gainsborough. Sephy quickly sliced off one of Jehova's fingers and threw it at the enemy, then leaped through the ceiling.

"Now that was mean!" exclaimed Jehova, "First you cut off my head, and now a finger. Mean, mean, MEAN! Bad Sephy."

"Look, mummy, that finger will grow and attack the enemy, keeping them busy while we escape."

"Oh."

"And it'll grow back! Just like your head will."

"I really don't think any of this will grow back."

"Sure it will. I read it in the Daily Star. Human cells regenerate--If a normal, run of the mill human being can grow a new head, why then, so can you!"

"If you say so. I trust you, Sephy."

{Heh, heh, heh,} thought Sephy.

Aeris said, "What's that thing that Sephy threw at us?"

Trent picked it up. "It appears to be a severed human finger."

"Gross!"

"You can say that again."

"Gross!"

Trent shook his head ruefully and fed the finger to Arsechimp

Preview of Chapter 10:

"You mean you betrayed your only friends, the ones who rescued you from certain death at the hands of the Hair Club for Men, in return for a fucking belly rub?"

"Johnny kept saying, 'What do you mean, Barq's has bite?', so I had to kill him."

"Ninjas check in...but they don't check out"