Chapter 10

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The party formerly known as AVALANCHE stepped off the Hair Club ship into a scene from a vacation brochure. It was bright, on a beach, and there were mountains in the distance. A cool, relieving breeze blew off the sea, taking some of the bite out of the tropical heat. The festive beat of steel drums filled the air.

"Hey, mishta, cuja schpare some change f'r an ol' vet?"

That just spoiled the whole mood. Trent scowled at the wino.

Arsechimp panicked. "Vet? Get away from me! Nobody's 'fixing' the Arsechimp, you get me? My teeth are at your groin level, and if anybody's gonna get 'fixed', it' ain't gonna be me!!!"

"Um, Arsechimp?" said Trent.

"What is it?" snarled Arsechimp.

"He means 'veteran', not 'veterinarian'. You're safe." (Author's Note: 'Veterinarian' was the first word I've had to look up in a dictionary for the spelling in over ten years. Ph33r me)

The party left the dock area and split up. At this point, Rufus and Heidegger disembarked from the ship. As he stepped off of the ship, Heidegger spun about and snapped a smart salute to a scarecrow that stood on the deck. The scarecrow didn't respond.

Rufus tested the sharpness of his horns on his finger, and then licked the spot of blood. His eyes glowed red. "Heidegger!"

"Yes, sir?" inquired the general.

"I understand that Sephy Lee Roth was aboard the vessel, and your security people let him go."

"Sorry, sir"

"Trent and his group was also there"

"Sorry, sir"

"A search of the crew's lockers revealed over twelve million gil worth of drugs"

"Sorry, sir"

"The cargo hold was filled with Chinese refugees"

"Sorry, sir"

"I want you to fire your chief of security--And you're on probation, Heidegger--don't fuck up."

"Sorry, sir." Heidegger saluted to Rufus, and then addressed the scarecrow. "You're fired," he said.

The scarecrow sagged.

Aeris stepped out of a cabana wearing a skimpy bikini that she'd purchased with money stolen from Trent's pouch, and headed directly for the beach. Seven young men approached her. One placed a cigarette in between her first two fingers. She stuck it in her mouth, and a second lit it.

"Mahvelous, gentlemen," she said, "dismissed."

Aeris slunk forward, while the seven gentlemen stared at her as--I mean, back.

Presently, she spotted Howard Johnson relaxing on the beach with a bottle of rum, reading a book entitled "All Male Group Hugs and Other Things Which I Consider to be my Bag", by IGN64Skanker. She accepted a snifter of Grand Marnier from another dumbstruck young man and joined Johnson.

"Howie, dahling," she said, "It's been such a long tahm."

HoJo looked up, and said, "Ah, yes, you're that Cetra that couldn't fly. Have a seat, young lady. A toast! I propose a toast to the future!"

"Howie, dahling," said Aeris, "I must confess I'm somewhat suhprized to fihnd yah heah. I thought yah wuhked fuh the Haih Club fah Mehn."

"Lose the fake accent."

"Damn!" said Aeris.

"Better. I quit the Hair Club, because Rufus is a poop head. Did you know that not only is he the President of the Hair Club for Men, he's also a client?"

"Hmm," said Aeris. She finished her Grand Marnier in one gulp. A gentleman came along and asked if they would like some more drinks."

"I'll have a White Russian," said HoJo, "And I'll pay for whatever the lady has."

"I'll have a Rum and Coke, please," said Aeris.

HoJo glared.

Trent shook his head. What a crappy day it had been since he'd arrived at Costa Del Sol. Somebody had stolen a large amount of money from his pouch, he'd walked in on Tifa practically humping some perfect stranger named Johnny, and Bare-It was getting more attention from the girls. Aeris was snuggled up so close to HoJo he thought she was attempting to become a siamese twin. Trent left the beach and entered the city square. One residence had a "for sale" sign in the window. Trent walked in and inquired about the price.

"300,000 Gil" stated the real estate agent firmly.

"I'll give you 50,000," countered Trent

"Are you trying to put me out of business?" spluttered the agent, "200,000"

"50,000"

"100,000"

"40,000"

"OK, I'll give it to you for 50,000"

"60, 000"

"You bastard! 25,000 and not one gil more!"

"Sold!" exclaimed Trent, and snapped a polaroid of the agent's face when he realized what he'd just done.

Trent found Arsechimp in the city square.

"Hey, Trent," called the canine, "It's time for us to go!"

"What for?"

"You know that Turk, Elena?"

"Yeah, what about her?"

"I, well, kinda told her where we were."

"WHAT?"

"Well, she scratched my belly."

"You mean you betrayed your only friends, the ones who rescued you from certain death at the hands of the Hair Club for Men, in return for a fucking belly rub?"

"Elena has magic fingers."

"The Turks want us all, including you, dead!"

"Well, she gave me a milk bone, too," added Arsechimp defensively.

Trent rolled his eyes.

The group gathered outside of Costa Del Sol to decide what to do next.

Tifa arrived, scowling, with blood on her hands. She calmly rinsed her hands in a nearby stream.

"What happened," asked Trent, aghast.

"Johnny kept saying, 'What do you mean, Barq's has bite?', so I had to kill him."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"That's a shame."

"I never liked midgets anyway."

"Bare-It," called Trent, "Did you find anything out?"

"I can give you a detailed rundown on prices for large condoms."

"I don't see how that would be useful."

Bare-It grinned, "It's useful to me"

"Kuso!"

"Who said that?"

"Not me," said Arsechimp

"Nor me," added Bare-It

"It wasn't me," chimed Yuppie, Tifa and Aeris at the same time.

Trent looked around. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except that Aeris seemed to have grown another pair of legs, and these ones were white and furry. Trent shrugged.

Aeris said, "I know where Sephy's going"

"WHAT?" shouted everybody else.

"Come on," she grinned, "You don't think I was actually attracted to that wrinkly old fart Hojo, did you? He was singing like a canary after a few drinks--He said that Sephy's looking for the Bastardly Productions Trousers on the Gold Saucer, which we can reach through Corel Village."

Bare-It looked depressed.

Trent, Bare-It, and Tifa crossed a rope bridge leading into Corel Village. Immediately several villagers shouted, "Aw, fuck, Bare-It's back!" Bare-It turned away.

"What's the matter," asked Tifa.

"It's nothing," said Bare-It gruffly, "So let's just go, OK?"

They proceded to Ropeway Station. The tickets were free, so they rode up to the Gold Saucer. They were met by a woman at the door to the Gold Saucer's "Station".

"One-time tickets are 3,000 Gil, or you can buy a lifetime pass for 30,000," she said, "But if you try to slip by me without paying, I send Lorena Bobitt after your asses, capice?"

Trent doled out 30,000 gil, an easy purchase after the cash he'd saved on the villa in Costa Del Sol.

"We should split up to search the area more effectively," suggested Bare-It.

"Who do you want to go with, Trent?" asked Aeris.

Trent looked from Tifa to Aeris and back, struck with indecision. Aeris's green eyes sparkled, and Tifa's breasts...well, um...If I have to say more than that to get the idea across, you're too young to be reading this fic, what with all those bad words and whatnot.

Trent took a long look at Tifa, then Aeris. Yuppie was jumping up and down, and Bare-It batted his eyelashes at Trent coyly.

{Oh, Jesus.}

Trent was saved from his decision by the timely intercession of Arsechimp. He sniffed at Tifa's pocket and began jumping up and down.

"Ooops," said Tifa, "I forgot I had all those Milk Bones in there...and the slab of pork. It looks like I go with Arsechimp.

Trent glanced at Bare-It, frightened, but Yuppie was already sitting on his shoulders. That's right, sitting on his shoulders.

Trent offered his arm to Aeris.

ten minutes later...



{How did I get sucked into this?} thought Trent as he boarded the trolley with Aeris, {this is a kid's ride.}

The trolley rolled into the darkness, and Trent realized that he was alone with Aeris in the dark.

{Things are looking up,} he decided.

"Hey, Trent," said Aeris.

"Yes?"

"You know a lot about Materia, don't you?"

"I guess."

"I've got this materia," Aeris said, producing a white globe, "that doesn't do anything."

Trent examined the globe, and said, "All materia does something. If this doesn't, it's not materia. It's a piece of crap." He tossed it out the window.

Far below Trent and Aeris, Reginald the Rat poked at a dead cat. {Yes,} he thought, {it's definitely dead. It looks like I eat well tonight.}

A circular shadow began to form on Reginald's white, furry back. {What the he--}

SPLAT!

Reginald instinctively leaped forward and looked behind him to see what had happened. Behind him was a white globe, beneath which was a squished rat. {That was close,} thought Reginald, {that could have been me.} He took an experimental poke at the other rat to see if it was really dead.

His paw passed through white globe and rat alike, insubstantial.

"Squeak?" he inquired.

SQUEAK, came the explanation from behind him.

Trent and Aeris emerged from the chute leading towards Battle Square, and were met by what appeared to be a cat riding a giant stuffed... thing. Trent had no idea what the hell the stuffed thing was.

"I am Cait Sith, Fortune Teller extrordinaire!" exclaimed the cat, "May I tell your fortune?"

Aeris clapped her hands and said, "Yes, do!"

The stuffed thingy waved its arms back and forth a few times, and the cat produced a paper. He read it and proudly said, "Your dry cleaning is ready!...Wait, that can't be right...let me try again...Chance of scattered showers and a low near 30 degrees...That's not it, either...Ah, here we go! Your fortune is: Today will really, really suck."

"Today will really, really suck?" asked Aeris, dismayed.

"Er," said Cait Sith, "It's usually not that vague. Tell you what. I won't be able to rest until I know what happens, so I'm gonna come along with you, OK?"

{Nooooo!} thought Trent, but Aeris said, "Yes, do! That would be super!"

The three of them entered the Battle Square, to find blood all over the place and corpses scattered.

"Did Sephy do this?" asked Aeris.

Trent examined the bodies, and said, "No, they've been shot. No way Sephy Lee Roth would use a gun."

One of the "corpses" stirred. Trent knelt over her and asked what had happened.

"A man...with a gun on his arm..." she gasped.

"Did he look like Mr. T?" asked Trent, "Was he naked?"

"Are you on drugs?" asked the dying woman, "It was a skinny white guy with clothes." With that, she gasped her dying breath. And Trent ate her guts.

"Today really, really sucks," said Aeris, and the three of them proceded into the next room, where the trail of blood showed that the killer had gone. When they reached the middle of the battle arena, guards closed in from both sides. A big guy in a loincloth entered and said, "Halt, intruders! I am Dios, owner of the Gold Saucer. Did you kill all those people outside."

"No." replied Trent.

"OK," replied Dios, "I guess you're free to go."

A guard whispered in Dios's ear.

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you sure you didn't kill them?"

"Nope."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

"Are you sure you're not lying?"

"We didn't kill them."

"Come on, fess up! I know you killed 'em."

Trent rolled his eyes, and said, "OK, you got me. I killed them."

Triumphantly, Dios shouted, "You have fallen...into the clapper trap!"

"You swine!" shouted Trent as the ground fell out from underneath him.

After the party regained consciousness, they were met with the rest of the party, except Bare-It, who had also been accused of the murders and thrown down the chute into Corel Prison. It was the work of less than an hour to track Bare-It down. He was in a ramshackle shack. A poster on the wall proclaimed, "Robinett's: The Underwear Rental Specialists." There was a half-eaten bowl of Radium Crisp on the table.

"Radium Crisp," said Yuppie, "Yuck. I prefer Plague Flakes, myself."

Bare-It burst into the room and fired several rounds of ammunition into the closet. A dead ninja fell out.

"Hey, Bare-It," asked Trent, "How did you know that there was a ninja in the closet?"

"I have a severe ninja problem in this shack," answered Bare-It, "I should probably call an exterminator or something. I think they come in for the sugar."

"You know, I think I have a can of 'Raid(r) for Ninjas' here," said Trent, producing a can which proclaimed, "Ninjas check in...but they don't check out"

Yuppie looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Arsechimp added, "You know, the best way to deal with ninjas is to get a gecko. My uncle Boogerhagen had some ninjas in his basement. He bought a gecko and set it loose in the basement. Never saw a ninja--or the gecko--ever again."

"Thanks, guys," said Bare-It, "But it's a real bad ninja infestation--I think I have to call the Orkin Man."

"Today really, really sucks," said Aeris.

"I think it's time you told us what's going on," said Trent, addressing Bare-It.

"It was five years ago. The Shinra came to Corel Village, wanting to build a Mako Reactor. Corel had always been a coal town, but me and Dyne were the only ones against the reactor.

"The village council met, and overruled us. The Shinra were invited in. Several people assisted in the construction of the reactor, and the village inn was filled with Shinra troops.

"Soon, talk started circulating--the village people who assisted in the construction spoke of people being sealed up inside the reaction tanks.

"Me and Dyne were in the mountains digging for coal when the Shinra burned the village to keep the talk from spreading. We rushed towards the flames--Dyne wanted to save his daughter, Marlene, and I wanted to save my wife, whose name escapes me at the moment. However, we were stopped. Several soldiers, led by Scarlett, fired on us. Dyne slipped over a cliff edge. I caught his left arm with my right and attempted to pull him up.

"Scarlett shot at us, severing my right arm and his left. Dyne fell, and I ran to the village. My wife was dead, but I was able to save Marlene. The villagers blamed me and Dyne for not being there to defend the village."

Abruptly, Bare-It slammed his arm down on the table, and shouted, "DAMN! The whole goddamn village was burned to ashes in one night. I told them! I TOLD them not to make the entire village out of straw! Why didn't they listen to me? If the Shinra hadn't burned the village down, you know the Big Bad Wolf would have showed up, and you know what would have happened then? He'd have huffed, and puffed, and he'd have blown the village down!"

The party let Bare-It have a night to cool down, and then Trent, Bare-It, and Yuppie went looking for a way out of the Corel Prison. They learned that the only way out was to become a Chocobo jockey, and only the Prison Leader could clear them for that. So the three of them went to the Prison Leader's house...and the Prison Leader was Dyne.

"Hey, Dyne," said Bare-It, "Long time, no see!"

"Hey, Bare-It! What's up?"

"Did you kill all those people up at the Gold Saucer?"

"Yeah. It was lots of fun. I like killing people now, Bare-It. Know what? I'm gonna kill you!"

Trent noticed that Dyne's left arm, like Bare-It's right, had a gun grafted to it. Dyne shot at Bare-It, and missed.

Bare-It taunted, "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta--"

Dyne turned his arm onto "automatic" and sprayed the whole area with bullets. Bare-It jumped behind a couch, and pulled out a grenade (Remember the Sector 1 Reactor in Midgar? How many grenades do you think he can fit in there?). He tossed the grenade overhand at Dyne.

Dyne ate it. "Oops," he said, and exploded in classic Road-Runner style comic fashion.

With a ring removed from the remains of Dyne, the party was able to get a pass back up to the Gold Saucer, and even a manager, Esther. Bare-It traded the ring to the Orkin Man, who wanted to be the next Prison Leader, in exchange for ninja removal services.

The lift carried Trent upwards...to destiny!

Well, actually, it just carried him to a chocobo stable, but it was still a pretty nifty lift.

Preview of Chapter 11:

"If I hear 'are we there yet' one more time, one of those two is going to die."

"Hey! An all-male group hug! All-male group hugs are my 'bag'!"

"No, I'm afraid this is as percussive as it gets. When they play this one live, the audience often thinks that they're under attack."