Chapter 11

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Esther led Trent to the racetrack, and halted in front of a yellow chocobo.

"This is Artagel," she said, "He's the fastest chocobo we've got."

Trent reached out a hand to pet the chocobo. Artagel bit it.

"He's also very, very hungry," added Esther, offering some greens to the chocobo--with a pole. Trent vaulted onto the chocobo's back. Artagel's ears went flat against his head.

"Wark!" he said, and started running around. Trent held on for dear life. His sword fell to the ground, and Artagel pissed on it.

"It's less weight for the race anyway," called Esther, "I'll look after your sword for you until after you win."

The gun went off to start the race. The other chocobos tore down the track like the hounds of hell were at their heels, but Artagel puttered around, examining bushes, and attempting to mate with the fence.

"Look, little buddy," whispered Trent in the animal's ear, "The sooner you cross that finish line, the sooner I get off your back."

Artagel took off like a bat out of hell. They passed the other chocobos so fast that Trent thought he was in a time warp. Trent and Artagel crossed the finish line in record time, leaving Trent with enough time for a cup of coffee before the other beasts came into sight. When the last chocobo crossed the line, Dios approached Trent.

"That was some pretty slick racing," he said, "And any convict-jockey who wins a chocobo race goes free--that's custom. But I discovered from a witness, one Sephy Lee Roth, that it was a skinny white guy with a gun arm that did the killin's, so it looks like I had to come up with another prize...so I present you with this BRAND NEW CAR!"

Dios gestured towards a parking lot filled with junky old vehicles.

"Um, which one?" asked Trent

Dios indicated the rustiest, most worn down old Buick in the lot.

Trent shrugged. "Say," he said, "Did this Sephy guy say where he was going?"

"Naw, but I saw him heading east--You might want to try asking at Cosmo Canyon across the river."

Trent and his friends piled into the hastily-dubbed "shitmobile" and drove east, towards Gongaga. A black-cloaked figure watched them drive away and laughed.

After Aeris and Trent shot out of the back of the car and ran towards the forest, Tifa remarked to Bare-It, "If I hear 'are we there yet' one more time, one of those two is going to die."

Bare-It shrugged. Hours passed, with no sign of Trent or Aeris.

"What's taking them so long?" inquired Tifa.

"I guess they REALLY had to go."

"I think you should go look for them."

"Hey, I went before we left, OK?"

"Bare-It!"

Bare-It entered the forest in search of Trent and Aeris.

The first life Bare-It encountered in the forest was Reno and Rude. They were arguing about who was the most attractive woman they'd ever met. Rude remarked that he wanted Elena, but she had eyes only for Tseng. Bare-It commiserated. Abruptly, Reno stood up and said, "You know what? This calls for an all-male group hug!"

"Yes, indeed," exclaimed Bare-It, "I could really go for an all-male group hug!"

The three men embraced. Another figure came out of the forest, and exclaimed, "Hey! An all-male group hug! All-male group hugs are my 'bag'!" He joined the three.

When the group hug broke up, the mysterious figure faded into the forest, muttering about his "bag."

After another hour, Tifa, Yuppie and Arsechimp finally pursued the rest of the party into Gongaga Forest. First, they found Trent and Aeris, who informed them that they'd overheard Scarlett and Tseng of the Hair Club for Men discussing "really, really big materia," and they'd found a Summon Materia.

The five of them, after several minutes of searching, encountered Bare-It, Reno, and Rude sitting around a campfire, passing a bottle of whiskey around.

"Well, it looks like Bare-It's not going to be much good to us for a while," said Trent, "Let's rest in the village until he sobers up."

"Hey, it's Trent!" hicc'd Bare-It, "You know man, I just want to take this chance to tell you how much I really love you."

"On the other hand," finished Trent, "We really don't have seven years to wait around for Bare-It to sober up, so we'll leave tomorrow morning regardless of shit-face's condition."

"Shit face? Aw man, and after I said I love you." Bursting into tears, Bare-It continued, "Do you know how much it hurts to say that, and not hear it back?"

Trent started to walk away, but was met with twin glares from Tifa and Aeris.

{Dammit.}

"I love you too, Bare-It."

Aeris and Yuppie went to bed immediately, but Trent and Tifa couldn't sleep, so they decided to walk Arsechimp through Gongaga until night fell. Following the usual Squaresoft RPG convention of walking unannounced into the homes of strangers, they encountered an old married couple who recognized the way Trent was dressed.

"W3r3 j00 in SOLDIER?" asked the old man.

"j4, 0wr 50n w3n7 1n70 SOLDIER," said the old woman, "H1z n4m3 1zz Zack. Zack Lopez. p33pl c477 h1m zdawg or z4x0r."

"What?" asked Trent and Tifa in unison.

"Sorry," said the old woman, "I guess we just got used to talking to z4x0r and it caught on. We wanted to know if you knew what happened to our son Zack, who was in SOLDIER."

Tifa got a funny look on her face, and Trent said, "Nope. Never heard of 'im. But there's something strangely familiar about the way j00 w3r3 sp33king..."

Morning came, and Trent rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. On the opposite wall, he saw a poster which read, "Robinetts: The Underwear Rental Specialists." The poster showed a young man laying on a bed which looked to be of the same style popular in Midgar, wearing women's underclothing. On second glance, Trent thought he recognized the room--It was the inn in Wall Market. And that young man...

"Aeris!" he shouted.

Aeris awoke with a start, saying, "Huh? What?"

Trent pointed at the poster accusingly.

"Oh." Aeris giggled. "OK, so I might have taken advantage of you when you were passed out after the incident at the cathouse in Wall Market. But you do look so cute in my underwear. And hey, it was only a few pictures!"

"How'd it get on a poster half a world away from Midgar?"

"Well...I might have sold a few."

"How many is a few?"

"Only about six...gross."

"GROSS? You mean to tell me that you sold eight hundred and sixty four pictures of me wearing women's underclothing to any old joe?"

"Well, no, the first five hundred went to Mr. Robinett. I had no idea he was going to start an underwear rental business."

"Aeris, look at that poster. What does it say at the bottom?"

"Robinett's: est. 2239."

"What year is it?"

"Um, 2277."

"Is it not true that Robinett's has been the most widely known underwear rental establishment for over thirty-five years?"

"Maybe."

Trent rolled his eyes. "The prosecution rests"

The next day, everybody piled into the shitmobile to resume their journey.

"Hey Tifa," called Trent.

"Yes?"

"Can you turn the music on?"

"What did you want to listen to?"

"Something percussive."

"Like the 1812 Overture?"

"No, I mean something REALLY percussive."

Tifa slid a CD into the CD-player on the dash. Something REALLY percussive began to play. Bare-It winced, nursing his hangover.

"How about that?" inquired Tifa, looking back at Trent.

"Do you have anything more percussive?"

Tifa switched CD's. Bare-It began to weep openly.

"Is that OK?"

"Don't you have anything more percussive than that?"

"No, I'm afraid this is as percussive as it gets. When they play this one live, the audience often thinks that they're under attack."

"Well, OK, if this is as percussive as it gets...Can you turn it up?"

Tifa grinned and turned the music up. Bare-It began to make the kind of noises ordinarily associated with a drowning kitten. Nobody could hear it over the music.

"Let's sing along!" exclaimed Aeris.

Some time later, the shitmobile broke down. Engine and music halted simultaneously. Everybody came out of the vehicle, dejected, except for Bare-It, who burst out the passenger door screaming, "Thank-you God!", and began kissing the dirt.

Preview of Chapter 12:

"A svelte guy like me don't need no legs."

"Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to hover over their heads and urinate."

"They...eat this, where you come from?"