Chapter 12
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The party looked around the broken-down shitmobile, and sighted a community within easy eyeshot of the vehicle. When they arrived at the community, they were met by a gate guard who recognized Arsechimp right off the bat.
"Snotgoblin!" he exclaimed, "Welcome back!"
"Is this why you don't mind being called Arsechimp?" asked Trent.
Arsechimp glared and loped off into the distance.
Trent, Bare-It, and Yuffie explored the town. They learned that the great big bonfire in the middle of the town, the "Cosmo Candle", was supposed to be inextinguishable, except in a time of severe peril for the entire world. They also found a mechanic who agreed to fix the shitmobile if Bare-It would stop following him around.
Finally, they set out to find Arsechimp. They systematically searched Cosmo Canyon from bottom to top. Naturally, Arsechimp was found at the highest point of Cosmo Canyon, chatting with a fellow who had no legs and floated above the ground in an eldritch fashion.
"What happened to your legs?" asked Trent.
"Don't have any," replied the man.
"You mean you were born with no legs?"
"No, I just got rid of them. Cut 'em off, ya know? Legs are so overrated."
"Don't you miss them?"
"Nope. A svelte guy like me don't need no legs."
"What's 'svelte'?"
"That's when a guy don't need no legs."
"Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll just keep mine."
"Fine. Be that way."
Arsechimp introduced his "Grandfather", Boogergoblin. Boogergoblin was clearly human, except for the lack of legs and the eldritch hovering thing, but apparently he or his son had fathered a sentient dog, possibly through the aid of mind-altering drugs, radiation, or extended exposure to Mako.
"Grandfather, my friends are fighting to save the Planet," piped Arsechimp.
"We are?" asked Bare-It, "Oh, yeah. The Hair Club, and keepin' them pants from Sephy. Yeah, I guess you could say we're savin' the Planet."
"So," continued Arsechimp, "Why don't you show them your apparatus?"
"No way!" protested Boogergoblin, "I don't swing that wa--Oh, you mean the machine. Yeah, I guess you could look at the machine." Boogergoblin motioned for Trent to follow.
Boogergoblin flicked a switch, and the floor started to rise. Once a section of the floor was enclosed in a dome, Boogergoblin gestured, and a holographic image of the solar system flickered to life.
"Cool!" exclaimed Trent, "What do you have this here for?"
"The spiffy light show," answered Boogergoblin, "Plus, I like to show it to visitors, 'cause it lets me show off my ability to hover over their heads in an eldritch manner. Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to hover over their heads and urinate.
"I won't do that to you," continued Boogergoblin, "Because you're friends of Snotgoblin. Why don't you rest and enjoy the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon. We can meet up at the Cosmo Candle for a meal tonight.""
Later that night, Boogergoblin, as good as his word, met with the party for a meal. Bare-It offered to cook. Missing the winces and throat-slashing gestures of Tifa, Boogergoblin agreed.
Trent approached the bonfire, and noticed how everyone was arrayed. Closest to him was Bare-It, which was disturbing enough by itself. Trent also noticed that Tifa and Aeris were situated on opposite sides of the fire. A few steps in either direction would bring him to the side of one of the girls...and directly away from the other. It was looking like he'd have to choose.
"Come sit with me, Trent," said Aeris, beckoning.
"No, here, Trent!" called Tifa.
Trent made his decision. He placed himself equidistant between the girls.
"Um, Trent?" called Aeris.
"Yes?"
"Aren't you a little uncomfortable?"
"No, not at all."
"I mean, sitting in the middle of that raging bonfire and everything?"
"I like it here. It's spiffy."
"I'm worried, Trent," said Tifa, "Are you really...you?"
"Nope!" said Trent, "I'm somebody else."
"Oh. Well, just as long as you're OK with that, I guess."
When Bare-It's meatloaf was served, Boogergoblin said, "And what is this?"
"Meatloaf," replied Bare-It.
"They...eat this, where you come from?"
"Yes, certainly," replied Bare-It.
"Like, as a punishment for some terrible crime?" asked Boogergoblin.
Bare-It shook his head no.
"Um," said Boogergoblin, "As, er, part of our hospitality, allow us to provide you with genuine Cosmo Canyon cuisine." Boogergoblin leaned over to whisper to an aide. Trent heard him frantically whisper, "Get take-out...fast", and the aide left.
As the aide rushed off to provide "Authentic Cosmo Canyon Cuisine", Boogergoblin turned his attention to Arsechimp.
"Snotgoblin," he said, "Do you remember the tale of the Gi-String tribe?"
Arsechimp scowled, "Yeah. Those sons of whores killed ma, after my son-of-a-bitch father abandoned us."
"Yes, um, well, about that...were you, by chance, smoking anything when you heard that tale?"
"Well, yeah, a big rock of crack."
"And who told you that story?"
"Billy the Liar."
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Are you saying Billy would have led me astray? Look at that face. Look! Could that face tell a lie?"
"Well, they do call him Billy the Liar."
"That's just a wee bit of a joke."
"He does stay in Cosmo Canyon because the police are looking for him everywhere else."
"Just a rumor."
"I really think there's something you need to see."
"Why?"
"Just come and see me after supper, OK?"
"Well, OK. Just for you, though."
Later that night, Arsechimp followed Boogergoblin through a dark cave filled with vengeful spirits. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Arsechimp, but what made it truly terrible was that the vengeful spirits were singing "Ice, Ice Baby", and hovering out of reach, so Arsechimp couldn't disembowel them. There were a few giant spiders, with their sharpened legs covered in blood, but Arsechimp had been to Halifax, so he was used to that, as well. Unfortunately, the spiders appeared to be M.C. Hammer fans--"You Can't Touch This." Arsechimp shuddered.
Finally, the pair of them reached a wall of blank stone. A demon stepped out of the stone face and attacked, singing "Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block. Fortunately, this demon wasn't immaterial. Arsechimp disembowelled it with great pleasure. Finally, they stood before what appeared to be a statue of a dog with arrows protruding out of it.
"This," said Boogergoblin, "Is the brave warrior who protected our community from the attack by the Gi-String tribe. Long after their arrows had turned him to stone, he fought them with the one weapon that the Gi-String couldn't handle--melody.
"Snotgoblin," rasped the statue, "I...am...your...faaaaaather..."
Trent sat bolt upright, sweating. He looked around. The Cosmo Candle flickered in the night air. He glanced about the room. Everybody was safely in their beds, except for Boogergoblin and Arsechimp. Boogergoblin was hanging upside-down from a pole, bat-like, and Arsechimp was curled up on a rug in front of the door.
{Just a bad dream,} he thought, and fell asleep once more.
The next morning, the mechanic knocked on their door to tell them that the car was fixed. Trent looked outside, and gasped in amazement.
The shitmobile was completely gone. In its place, glimmering black and clean, was the Batmobile.
"Awesome!" he breathed, "How much do I owe you?"
"Aw, don't worry about it," said the mechanic, "You'd do the same for me, right?"
"I'm not physically able to make that kind of transformation to a vehicle," responded Trent, pressing 1000 gil into the mechanic's palm.
"Hey, thanks man," said the mechanic, "Hey, by the way, I spotted a bottle out by the Cosmo Candle last night. You lose this?" The mechanic handed Trent an elixir.
Trent and the party piled into the Batmobile and drove west.
The black-cloaked man caught up with his quarries just as they piled into the Batmobile and drove off.
"Shit!" he exclaimed, "I can't run this fast!"
He glanced at the white orb that he'd found on top of a dead rat, pocketed it, and began to run after the trail of dust left by the departing vehicle.
Preview of Chapter 13:
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?"
-----
The party looked around the broken-down shitmobile, and sighted a community within easy eyeshot of the vehicle. When they arrived at the community, they were met by a gate guard who recognized Arsechimp right off the bat.
"Snotgoblin!" he exclaimed, "Welcome back!"
"Is this why you don't mind being called Arsechimp?" asked Trent.
Arsechimp glared and loped off into the distance.
Trent, Bare-It, and Yuffie explored the town. They learned that the great big bonfire in the middle of the town, the "Cosmo Candle", was supposed to be inextinguishable, except in a time of severe peril for the entire world. They also found a mechanic who agreed to fix the shitmobile if Bare-It would stop following him around.
Finally, they set out to find Arsechimp. They systematically searched Cosmo Canyon from bottom to top. Naturally, Arsechimp was found at the highest point of Cosmo Canyon, chatting with a fellow who had no legs and floated above the ground in an eldritch fashion.
"What happened to your legs?" asked Trent.
"Don't have any," replied the man.
"You mean you were born with no legs?"
"No, I just got rid of them. Cut 'em off, ya know? Legs are so overrated."
"Don't you miss them?"
"Nope. A svelte guy like me don't need no legs."
"What's 'svelte'?"
"That's when a guy don't need no legs."
"Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll just keep mine."
"Fine. Be that way."
Arsechimp introduced his "Grandfather", Boogergoblin. Boogergoblin was clearly human, except for the lack of legs and the eldritch hovering thing, but apparently he or his son had fathered a sentient dog, possibly through the aid of mind-altering drugs, radiation, or extended exposure to Mako.
"Grandfather, my friends are fighting to save the Planet," piped Arsechimp.
"We are?" asked Bare-It, "Oh, yeah. The Hair Club, and keepin' them pants from Sephy. Yeah, I guess you could say we're savin' the Planet."
"So," continued Arsechimp, "Why don't you show them your apparatus?"
"No way!" protested Boogergoblin, "I don't swing that wa--Oh, you mean the machine. Yeah, I guess you could look at the machine." Boogergoblin motioned for Trent to follow.
Boogergoblin flicked a switch, and the floor started to rise. Once a section of the floor was enclosed in a dome, Boogergoblin gestured, and a holographic image of the solar system flickered to life.
"Cool!" exclaimed Trent, "What do you have this here for?"
"The spiffy light show," answered Boogergoblin, "Plus, I like to show it to visitors, 'cause it lets me show off my ability to hover over their heads in an eldritch manner. Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to hover over their heads and urinate.
"I won't do that to you," continued Boogergoblin, "Because you're friends of Snotgoblin. Why don't you rest and enjoy the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon. We can meet up at the Cosmo Candle for a meal tonight.""
Later that night, Boogergoblin, as good as his word, met with the party for a meal. Bare-It offered to cook. Missing the winces and throat-slashing gestures of Tifa, Boogergoblin agreed.
Trent approached the bonfire, and noticed how everyone was arrayed. Closest to him was Bare-It, which was disturbing enough by itself. Trent also noticed that Tifa and Aeris were situated on opposite sides of the fire. A few steps in either direction would bring him to the side of one of the girls...and directly away from the other. It was looking like he'd have to choose.
"Come sit with me, Trent," said Aeris, beckoning.
"No, here, Trent!" called Tifa.
Trent made his decision. He placed himself equidistant between the girls.
"Um, Trent?" called Aeris.
"Yes?"
"Aren't you a little uncomfortable?"
"No, not at all."
"I mean, sitting in the middle of that raging bonfire and everything?"
"I like it here. It's spiffy."
"I'm worried, Trent," said Tifa, "Are you really...you?"
"Nope!" said Trent, "I'm somebody else."
"Oh. Well, just as long as you're OK with that, I guess."
When Bare-It's meatloaf was served, Boogergoblin said, "And what is this?"
"Meatloaf," replied Bare-It.
"They...eat this, where you come from?"
"Yes, certainly," replied Bare-It.
"Like, as a punishment for some terrible crime?" asked Boogergoblin.
Bare-It shook his head no.
"Um," said Boogergoblin, "As, er, part of our hospitality, allow us to provide you with genuine Cosmo Canyon cuisine." Boogergoblin leaned over to whisper to an aide. Trent heard him frantically whisper, "Get take-out...fast", and the aide left.
As the aide rushed off to provide "Authentic Cosmo Canyon Cuisine", Boogergoblin turned his attention to Arsechimp.
"Snotgoblin," he said, "Do you remember the tale of the Gi-String tribe?"
Arsechimp scowled, "Yeah. Those sons of whores killed ma, after my son-of-a-bitch father abandoned us."
"Yes, um, well, about that...were you, by chance, smoking anything when you heard that tale?"
"Well, yeah, a big rock of crack."
"And who told you that story?"
"Billy the Liar."
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Are you saying Billy would have led me astray? Look at that face. Look! Could that face tell a lie?"
"Well, they do call him Billy the Liar."
"That's just a wee bit of a joke."
"He does stay in Cosmo Canyon because the police are looking for him everywhere else."
"Just a rumor."
"I really think there's something you need to see."
"Why?"
"Just come and see me after supper, OK?"
"Well, OK. Just for you, though."
Later that night, Arsechimp followed Boogergoblin through a dark cave filled with vengeful spirits. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Arsechimp, but what made it truly terrible was that the vengeful spirits were singing "Ice, Ice Baby", and hovering out of reach, so Arsechimp couldn't disembowel them. There were a few giant spiders, with their sharpened legs covered in blood, but Arsechimp had been to Halifax, so he was used to that, as well. Unfortunately, the spiders appeared to be M.C. Hammer fans--"You Can't Touch This." Arsechimp shuddered.
Finally, the pair of them reached a wall of blank stone. A demon stepped out of the stone face and attacked, singing "Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block. Fortunately, this demon wasn't immaterial. Arsechimp disembowelled it with great pleasure. Finally, they stood before what appeared to be a statue of a dog with arrows protruding out of it.
"This," said Boogergoblin, "Is the brave warrior who protected our community from the attack by the Gi-String tribe. Long after their arrows had turned him to stone, he fought them with the one weapon that the Gi-String couldn't handle--melody.
"Snotgoblin," rasped the statue, "I...am...your...faaaaaather..."
Trent sat bolt upright, sweating. He looked around. The Cosmo Candle flickered in the night air. He glanced about the room. Everybody was safely in their beds, except for Boogergoblin and Arsechimp. Boogergoblin was hanging upside-down from a pole, bat-like, and Arsechimp was curled up on a rug in front of the door.
{Just a bad dream,} he thought, and fell asleep once more.
The next morning, the mechanic knocked on their door to tell them that the car was fixed. Trent looked outside, and gasped in amazement.
The shitmobile was completely gone. In its place, glimmering black and clean, was the Batmobile.
"Awesome!" he breathed, "How much do I owe you?"
"Aw, don't worry about it," said the mechanic, "You'd do the same for me, right?"
"I'm not physically able to make that kind of transformation to a vehicle," responded Trent, pressing 1000 gil into the mechanic's palm.
"Hey, thanks man," said the mechanic, "Hey, by the way, I spotted a bottle out by the Cosmo Candle last night. You lose this?" The mechanic handed Trent an elixir.
Trent and the party piled into the Batmobile and drove west.
The black-cloaked man caught up with his quarries just as they piled into the Batmobile and drove off.
"Shit!" he exclaimed, "I can't run this fast!"
He glanced at the white orb that he'd found on top of a dead rat, pocketed it, and began to run after the trail of dust left by the departing vehicle.
Preview of Chapter 13:
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?"
