Chapter 13
-----
The Batmobile lurched to a halt just outside the town of Nibelheim and everybody poured out, gasping and choking. Last out was Yuppie, sporting a big grin.
"Jesus Christ!" gasped Bare-It, "That's the foulest fart I've ever had to endure, and I worked with Vedge for five years!"
Trent indicated Nibelheim with a thrust of his chin. "Sephy must have gone in there. There's nowhere else to run in this part of the country."
"Your hometown," sighed Aeris.
Trent nodded. "I'll head in to investigate. Yuppie and Cait Sith, you're with me. The rest of you, stay in the car."
Bare-It looked at Trent, aghast.
"Well, OK, air the car out first, but stay close enough that no-one steals it."
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."
"Whatever. Just make sure!"
"Hey, you can count on me!"
Trent gasped when he pushed open the rusted iron gate at the front of Nibelheim. The town was restored to what it had looked like, five years earlier, before Sephy had razed it. Trent casually conversed with several of the townspeople, but nobody gave any indication that the town had been burned. Several denied it outright when Trent suggested it. Finally, Trent walked into the house that had been his mother's.
His nose was met by the scent of fresh baked bread. Lost in reverie, Trent sat down at the table.
"Beautiful day," came a female voice from behind him, "On a day like this, I just love to bake bread, sit back, and enjoy a glass of Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish."
"Can you try it without the 'of fish'?"
"Of course, can't think what came over me. Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste...of fish. Oops, damn! Wait, let me try it again. Treadmill! The MIGHTY lager with the world's first great taste of fish. Oh, shit! shit! shit! shit!"
Trent swiveled his head to bear on the woman. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "Who the hell are you? You're not my mom! This is another beer commercial, isn't it! Get out of here! Leave me the hell alone!"
"Um, it's kinda...my house."
As Trent scurried out the door, he was pursued by the sound of, 'Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish.'"
Tifa's house was filled with strange black-cloaked men who chanted Sephy Lee Roth's name and had numbers tattooed on their hands. At first, Trent was somewhat upset about that, but these men had another characteristic: flasks of whiskey. Late that night, when Yuppie came looking, she found Trent and the black-cloaked men gathered in Tifa's room. Trent was playing the piano skillfully, and singing not-so-skillfully.
"Yup'pee!" exclaimed Trent when he saw her, "C'mon in 'n' half a tot o' grog! Ahr, that hits the frackin' spot! Let's have us a song!"
Trent started playing the piano, and the black-cloaks chanted, "Sephy...Sephy...reunion...Sephy..."
Yuppie reached for a flask, but then remembered that she'd come for a purpose, and Cait Sith would be worried, back at the inn. First she examined the room, and read a notepad on Tifa's desk, then cast about for a suitable method of sobering Trent up. Discovering none, she ripped a juicy fart.
Trent sobered up instantly.
"...And now, according to the notes, the town is populated by Shinra (now Hair Club) employees who are trying to cover up the destruction of Nibelheim," concluded Yuppie.
"Hey Cait Sith," said Trent, "What the hell is that thing that you're riding?"
"What, this?" asked the cat, "It's a crossbreed between Kirby and the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man."
"Aren't they both male?"
"Oh, I see, you're one of them. Shouldn't same-sex couples have the benefit of children? Well?"
"Calm down, Cait Sith, I was just asking a question. I don't see how it's physically possible for two men to bear children; It should only have the genes of one or the other."
"Modern technology," explained Cait Sith.
"You mean Kirby's a gal now?"
"Actually, it's Sta-Puft. Staci-Puft, now."
"So you do have a mom."
"Yes. I do. And so does this big white beast I ride. Staci-Puft isn't MY mom, you know. My mom was a lioness and my dad was an alley cat."
"I didn't know that they were cross-fertile."
"Most alley cats aren't, you-know, big enough, to make the experiment."
"Wouldn't that kind of thing carry over?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."
"You're looking? Sick, man! Well, the truth is, I was adopted by an old lady who didn't want kittens."
"You mean--?"
"Yeah. I never even had a chance."
"Ouch."
"You're telling me."
The following morning, the three of them proceded into the Hair Club Mansion in pursuit of Sephy. Yuppie found a note in the kitchen. It contained a riddle:
the lid of the box with the most oxygen
behind the ivory's short of tea and ray
creak in floor near chair on 2nd floor, then left 5, up 9, left 2, and up 6
There was also a message written in invisible ink: Right 97.
The third message was the easiest. They tracked it down, and found "right 59" written on the wall.
Cait Sith spotted a treasure box in a greenhouse. Reasoning that plants inhaled carbon dioxide and exhaled oxygen, he decided that this must be the box spoken of in the first clue. Examining the box, he discovered "right 36".
It was Trent who found the second clue. He found a piano, and attempted to play some of the songs he'd invented in the previous night's bender. There were two keys missing. Trent played, "Do (blank) mi fa so la (blank) do", and realized that these ivory keys were missing re (ray) and ti (tea). Behind the piano was written "left 10".
Afterwards, the group discovered a safe. Trent turned the combination lock right to 36, left to 10, right to 59, then right to 97. The lock clicked audibly. A giant ravening beast burst out of the safe, also audibly.
Trent's first thought was {how did that great big beast ever fit in that tiny little safe?} His second was {Is that great big beast really going to bite Yuppie's head off? I'd better not wait to find out.} Drawing his sword, Trent charged in and sliced the beast's tail off. Roaring, it dropped Yuppie.
"I guess Sephy knows we're here now," said Yuppie.
Yuppie extended one hand, and a fireball hurled from her palm to impact on the beast. Trent pointed, and lightning arced from his fingertip.
The beast howled, "Why are you so mean?" and disintegrated.
"That was pretty cool," said Yuppie, "Why can't I have the Lighting materia?"
Trent pointed at Yuppie...
Harvesting the basement key and summon materia from the safe, the party proceded to the secret stairway Trent had discovered when he'd come here five years earlier. Trent decided to try the key on the locked door he'd been unable to force open then. The lock clicked, and the party slipped in. The room was filled with coffins.
"They locked this room?" wondered Trent.
"I wonder if there's any materia in these funny boxes," said Yuppie.
"No!" exclaimed Trent, "Respect the dea--" but it was too late. Yuppie had already pried one of the pine boxes open. The occupant turned over and said, "Just five more minutes, ma."
"What the hell? You're alive?" exclaimed Cait Sith.
"Fuck," whispered the figure, and sat up, "I guess I've gotta be up anyway, so you might as well introduce yourselves. I'm Vincent"
"Well," began Trent, unsure how to speak to the dead, "I'm Trent Strife, and this is Cait Sith, and the lady who pried open your coffin is Yuppie."
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?" exclaimed Vincent, curling into the fetal position.
"Um, no. Yuppie doesn't slay much of anything."
"Hey!" exclaimed the little ninja, "I'll kick your peachy little ass!"
"Bring it on," commented Trent dryly.
"Aren't you going to break this up," asked Vincent of Cait Sith.
"Hell no," replied the cat, "I'm going for popcorn!"
The confrontation, however, was brought to a halt by a loud peeping sound, followed by a horrible stench.
"Ha, ha!" said Vincent, "Someone cut a ripper!"
"Jesus Christ, Yuppie, that's foul!" said Cait Sith.
"Yeah," agreed Vincent, "So foul, I think it needs a name."
"How about Jack?" suggested Trent.
"Yeah!" exclaimed Vincent, "Jack. Jack the Ripper it is!"
Meanwhile, outside of Nibelheim, Bare-It lost his patience.
"We've been sitting here for almost a full day and that car still reeks. I say we head after Trent."
"He should be back by now," fretted Aeris, "I wonder if something hasn't gone horribly wrong?"
Bare-It, Tifa, Aeris, and Arsechimp set off into the town. Several minutes later, a black-cloaked figure, now too winded to sing, found the abandoned batmobile.
"Woo-hoo!" he exclaimed, "Jackpot!"
Trent drew his sword and kicked the library door open. Splinters of door crashed loudly against the far wall.
"Shh!" called a voice from within.
"Sephy Lee Roth, I know you're in there! Come out and settle this like a man!"
"Hey, this is a library, jackoff," came the voice, "Don't you know that you're supposed to be quiet? People are trying to read in here." Trent whirled towards the source of the voice. Standing in the Romance aisle, with a book in hand, was Sephy Lee Roth.
Yuppie cut a loud ripper.
"Shh!" exclaimed Sephy.
"It's all over, Sephy," said Trent.
Sephy looked up, recognized Trent, and guiltily hid the book behind his back. "Ah, Trent," he said, "Here for the reunion, I take it?"
"Reunion?" asked Trent, "I never even went to high school."
"Alas," said Sephy, shaking his head, "I guess you don't have the right to participate after all."
"That's not what we're here for, Sephy. You can't have the Trousers. We're here to stop you!"
Sephy hurled a Materia orb at Trent, and broke into a run. "Na, na na boo-boo," he taunted, "You can't catch me!"
"Shh!" replied Trent, "This is a library."
As Trent, Yuppie, and Cait Sith pursued Sephy out of the mansion, Vincent caught up with them.
"I can't get back to sleep," he said, "Mind if I come with you guys?"
Trent nodded and continued to run. While running down the stairs, he tripped and tumbled head over heels to the bottom in classic comical fashion, swearing profusely all the way. When he ran out of swear words, he invented some new ones.
Yuppie watched this with clinical interest. She looked at the stairs, then looked at the scissors in her hands, then looked at the stairs again. Calmly, she set the scissors on the banister and proceded down the stairs at a stately pace. Then she slipped on a banana peel. Vincent decided that the stairs were cursed and slid down the handrail, deftly groining himself on the wooden knob at the bottom of the rail.
Cait Sith watched all this, and said, "Oh, what the hell," and proceded to roll down the stairs, saving Fate the trouble of tripping him.
Outside, the black-cloaked crooner was looking over the Batmobile. He popped the hood and had a look at the engine. "Oh, sweet!" he said, "They don't make these anymore!"
Then, he noticed the keys hanging in the ignition. A grin spread across his hooded face.
The pursuit of Trent, Yuppie, Cait Sith, and Vincent of Sephy Lee Roth through the Nibel Mountains was cut short by what appeared to be a gigantic mantis. They tried to go around it, but it stood firmly in their path.
"The fabled materia keeper," breathed Vincent, "I never thought I'd see the like."
Trent rummaged through his backpack and produced a can. He popped the lid.
"Raid!" exclaimed the Materia Keeper in dismay, and scuttled away.
"Got any more of that stuff?" asked Yuppie.
"Yes, and so do you."
"I do?" inquired Yuppie, rummaging through her pack.
"Yeah, it's the stuff you've been spraying under your armpits."
"It...oh."
"By the way, you stink. Get some pit stick."
A small, white, and furry creature was fishing peacefully in a stream in the Nibel Mountains, when suddenly it was trampled by an enormous mantis-like creature.
"Kuso!" it swore.
Preview of Chapter 14:
"Oh, the gigantic phallus!"
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas."
"Oh, go to the Island Closest to Hell."
-----
The Batmobile lurched to a halt just outside the town of Nibelheim and everybody poured out, gasping and choking. Last out was Yuppie, sporting a big grin.
"Jesus Christ!" gasped Bare-It, "That's the foulest fart I've ever had to endure, and I worked with Vedge for five years!"
Trent indicated Nibelheim with a thrust of his chin. "Sephy must have gone in there. There's nowhere else to run in this part of the country."
"Your hometown," sighed Aeris.
Trent nodded. "I'll head in to investigate. Yuppie and Cait Sith, you're with me. The rest of you, stay in the car."
Bare-It looked at Trent, aghast.
"Well, OK, air the car out first, but stay close enough that no-one steals it."
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."
"Whatever. Just make sure!"
"Hey, you can count on me!"
Trent gasped when he pushed open the rusted iron gate at the front of Nibelheim. The town was restored to what it had looked like, five years earlier, before Sephy had razed it. Trent casually conversed with several of the townspeople, but nobody gave any indication that the town had been burned. Several denied it outright when Trent suggested it. Finally, Trent walked into the house that had been his mother's.
His nose was met by the scent of fresh baked bread. Lost in reverie, Trent sat down at the table.
"Beautiful day," came a female voice from behind him, "On a day like this, I just love to bake bread, sit back, and enjoy a glass of Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish."
"Can you try it without the 'of fish'?"
"Of course, can't think what came over me. Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste...of fish. Oops, damn! Wait, let me try it again. Treadmill! The MIGHTY lager with the world's first great taste of fish. Oh, shit! shit! shit! shit!"
Trent swiveled his head to bear on the woman. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "Who the hell are you? You're not my mom! This is another beer commercial, isn't it! Get out of here! Leave me the hell alone!"
"Um, it's kinda...my house."
As Trent scurried out the door, he was pursued by the sound of, 'Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish.'"
Tifa's house was filled with strange black-cloaked men who chanted Sephy Lee Roth's name and had numbers tattooed on their hands. At first, Trent was somewhat upset about that, but these men had another characteristic: flasks of whiskey. Late that night, when Yuppie came looking, she found Trent and the black-cloaked men gathered in Tifa's room. Trent was playing the piano skillfully, and singing not-so-skillfully.
"Yup'pee!" exclaimed Trent when he saw her, "C'mon in 'n' half a tot o' grog! Ahr, that hits the frackin' spot! Let's have us a song!"
Trent started playing the piano, and the black-cloaks chanted, "Sephy...Sephy...reunion...Sephy..."
Yuppie reached for a flask, but then remembered that she'd come for a purpose, and Cait Sith would be worried, back at the inn. First she examined the room, and read a notepad on Tifa's desk, then cast about for a suitable method of sobering Trent up. Discovering none, she ripped a juicy fart.
Trent sobered up instantly.
"...And now, according to the notes, the town is populated by Shinra (now Hair Club) employees who are trying to cover up the destruction of Nibelheim," concluded Yuppie.
"Hey Cait Sith," said Trent, "What the hell is that thing that you're riding?"
"What, this?" asked the cat, "It's a crossbreed between Kirby and the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man."
"Aren't they both male?"
"Oh, I see, you're one of them. Shouldn't same-sex couples have the benefit of children? Well?"
"Calm down, Cait Sith, I was just asking a question. I don't see how it's physically possible for two men to bear children; It should only have the genes of one or the other."
"Modern technology," explained Cait Sith.
"You mean Kirby's a gal now?"
"Actually, it's Sta-Puft. Staci-Puft, now."
"So you do have a mom."
"Yes. I do. And so does this big white beast I ride. Staci-Puft isn't MY mom, you know. My mom was a lioness and my dad was an alley cat."
"I didn't know that they were cross-fertile."
"Most alley cats aren't, you-know, big enough, to make the experiment."
"Wouldn't that kind of thing carry over?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."
"You're looking? Sick, man! Well, the truth is, I was adopted by an old lady who didn't want kittens."
"You mean--?"
"Yeah. I never even had a chance."
"Ouch."
"You're telling me."
The following morning, the three of them proceded into the Hair Club Mansion in pursuit of Sephy. Yuppie found a note in the kitchen. It contained a riddle:
the lid of the box with the most oxygen
behind the ivory's short of tea and ray
creak in floor near chair on 2nd floor, then left 5, up 9, left 2, and up 6
There was also a message written in invisible ink: Right 97.
The third message was the easiest. They tracked it down, and found "right 59" written on the wall.
Cait Sith spotted a treasure box in a greenhouse. Reasoning that plants inhaled carbon dioxide and exhaled oxygen, he decided that this must be the box spoken of in the first clue. Examining the box, he discovered "right 36".
It was Trent who found the second clue. He found a piano, and attempted to play some of the songs he'd invented in the previous night's bender. There were two keys missing. Trent played, "Do (blank) mi fa so la (blank) do", and realized that these ivory keys were missing re (ray) and ti (tea). Behind the piano was written "left 10".
Afterwards, the group discovered a safe. Trent turned the combination lock right to 36, left to 10, right to 59, then right to 97. The lock clicked audibly. A giant ravening beast burst out of the safe, also audibly.
Trent's first thought was {how did that great big beast ever fit in that tiny little safe?} His second was {Is that great big beast really going to bite Yuppie's head off? I'd better not wait to find out.} Drawing his sword, Trent charged in and sliced the beast's tail off. Roaring, it dropped Yuppie.
"I guess Sephy knows we're here now," said Yuppie.
Yuppie extended one hand, and a fireball hurled from her palm to impact on the beast. Trent pointed, and lightning arced from his fingertip.
The beast howled, "Why are you so mean?" and disintegrated.
"That was pretty cool," said Yuppie, "Why can't I have the Lighting materia?"
Trent pointed at Yuppie...
Harvesting the basement key and summon materia from the safe, the party proceded to the secret stairway Trent had discovered when he'd come here five years earlier. Trent decided to try the key on the locked door he'd been unable to force open then. The lock clicked, and the party slipped in. The room was filled with coffins.
"They locked this room?" wondered Trent.
"I wonder if there's any materia in these funny boxes," said Yuppie.
"No!" exclaimed Trent, "Respect the dea--" but it was too late. Yuppie had already pried one of the pine boxes open. The occupant turned over and said, "Just five more minutes, ma."
"What the hell? You're alive?" exclaimed Cait Sith.
"Fuck," whispered the figure, and sat up, "I guess I've gotta be up anyway, so you might as well introduce yourselves. I'm Vincent"
"Well," began Trent, unsure how to speak to the dead, "I'm Trent Strife, and this is Cait Sith, and the lady who pried open your coffin is Yuppie."
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?" exclaimed Vincent, curling into the fetal position.
"Um, no. Yuppie doesn't slay much of anything."
"Hey!" exclaimed the little ninja, "I'll kick your peachy little ass!"
"Bring it on," commented Trent dryly.
"Aren't you going to break this up," asked Vincent of Cait Sith.
"Hell no," replied the cat, "I'm going for popcorn!"
The confrontation, however, was brought to a halt by a loud peeping sound, followed by a horrible stench.
"Ha, ha!" said Vincent, "Someone cut a ripper!"
"Jesus Christ, Yuppie, that's foul!" said Cait Sith.
"Yeah," agreed Vincent, "So foul, I think it needs a name."
"How about Jack?" suggested Trent.
"Yeah!" exclaimed Vincent, "Jack. Jack the Ripper it is!"
Meanwhile, outside of Nibelheim, Bare-It lost his patience.
"We've been sitting here for almost a full day and that car still reeks. I say we head after Trent."
"He should be back by now," fretted Aeris, "I wonder if something hasn't gone horribly wrong?"
Bare-It, Tifa, Aeris, and Arsechimp set off into the town. Several minutes later, a black-cloaked figure, now too winded to sing, found the abandoned batmobile.
"Woo-hoo!" he exclaimed, "Jackpot!"
Trent drew his sword and kicked the library door open. Splinters of door crashed loudly against the far wall.
"Shh!" called a voice from within.
"Sephy Lee Roth, I know you're in there! Come out and settle this like a man!"
"Hey, this is a library, jackoff," came the voice, "Don't you know that you're supposed to be quiet? People are trying to read in here." Trent whirled towards the source of the voice. Standing in the Romance aisle, with a book in hand, was Sephy Lee Roth.
Yuppie cut a loud ripper.
"Shh!" exclaimed Sephy.
"It's all over, Sephy," said Trent.
Sephy looked up, recognized Trent, and guiltily hid the book behind his back. "Ah, Trent," he said, "Here for the reunion, I take it?"
"Reunion?" asked Trent, "I never even went to high school."
"Alas," said Sephy, shaking his head, "I guess you don't have the right to participate after all."
"That's not what we're here for, Sephy. You can't have the Trousers. We're here to stop you!"
Sephy hurled a Materia orb at Trent, and broke into a run. "Na, na na boo-boo," he taunted, "You can't catch me!"
"Shh!" replied Trent, "This is a library."
As Trent, Yuppie, and Cait Sith pursued Sephy out of the mansion, Vincent caught up with them.
"I can't get back to sleep," he said, "Mind if I come with you guys?"
Trent nodded and continued to run. While running down the stairs, he tripped and tumbled head over heels to the bottom in classic comical fashion, swearing profusely all the way. When he ran out of swear words, he invented some new ones.
Yuppie watched this with clinical interest. She looked at the stairs, then looked at the scissors in her hands, then looked at the stairs again. Calmly, she set the scissors on the banister and proceded down the stairs at a stately pace. Then she slipped on a banana peel. Vincent decided that the stairs were cursed and slid down the handrail, deftly groining himself on the wooden knob at the bottom of the rail.
Cait Sith watched all this, and said, "Oh, what the hell," and proceded to roll down the stairs, saving Fate the trouble of tripping him.
Outside, the black-cloaked crooner was looking over the Batmobile. He popped the hood and had a look at the engine. "Oh, sweet!" he said, "They don't make these anymore!"
Then, he noticed the keys hanging in the ignition. A grin spread across his hooded face.
The pursuit of Trent, Yuppie, Cait Sith, and Vincent of Sephy Lee Roth through the Nibel Mountains was cut short by what appeared to be a gigantic mantis. They tried to go around it, but it stood firmly in their path.
"The fabled materia keeper," breathed Vincent, "I never thought I'd see the like."
Trent rummaged through his backpack and produced a can. He popped the lid.
"Raid!" exclaimed the Materia Keeper in dismay, and scuttled away.
"Got any more of that stuff?" asked Yuppie.
"Yes, and so do you."
"I do?" inquired Yuppie, rummaging through her pack.
"Yeah, it's the stuff you've been spraying under your armpits."
"It...oh."
"By the way, you stink. Get some pit stick."
A small, white, and furry creature was fishing peacefully in a stream in the Nibel Mountains, when suddenly it was trampled by an enormous mantis-like creature.
"Kuso!" it swore.
Preview of Chapter 14:
"Oh, the gigantic phallus!"
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas."
"Oh, go to the Island Closest to Hell."
