Chapter 15

-----

After several hours of drifting on the sea, Cid asked, "What now?"

Trent listlessly hauled on his fishing line, and said, "What can we do? We're kind of stranded."

"If you'll give me a hand, I can fix the engine. The Pink Panther'll never fly again, but we can get her moving over sea. I owe that bastard Rufus some payback, and I'll be damned if I'll just float around here forever."

"OK, but what do we do afterwards?"

"Rufus said he was chasing some Sephy guy, who was going to the Temple of the Ancients. We can use the Pink Panther to find somebody who knows where the hell the Temple is."

Trent nodded. Just then, a mermaid swam up to the plane and said, "Excuse me, but can you do me a favor?"

Trent and Cid just stared at her breasts.

Aeris noticed the mermaid. "Can we help you?" she asked icily, aware of Trent's gaze.

The mermaid pointed at Bare-It. "Can you ask your friend to stop pissing in our swimming pool?"

Early the next morning, a repaired Pink Panther landed on the shores of Bone Village. The party had spent most of the previous evening searching the world for signs of Sephy or the Temple of the Ancients. Trent and Cid went into the village. Standing near the village entrance were an enormous ogre and a wiry black mage, staring at each other.

"Hey," said Cid, "There are a couple of my Knights!"

"You've got knights?" inquired Trent.

"Well, sure, doesn't everybody?"

"Actually, you're the first person I've ever met who has knights. What does a pilot need with knights?"

"I sort of collect them."

"Most people collect stamps."

"How boring."

"Well, there's kind of a logic to it, Cid-a-rooney. You see, with stamps, once you're bored of them, you can just toss 'em in a closet and forget about them. Knights tend to take violent exception to that kind of thing. It's really quite unhealthy."

"So, what you're saying is that you wish you had knights, right?"

"Something like that."

"Pardon me," said Trent, tugging on the ogre's fur, "Pray tell, what are you doing?"

"Waiting," replied the ogre.

"What for?"

"Because we want to!"

"No, no, I mean, what are you waiting for?"

"We need to wait for something?"

"That's kind of the idea behind waiting, you know."

"What do you know about it" argued the ogre hotly, "I'm a Super Master Waiter. That means I'm really good at it."

"But I'm the best Waiter in Cid's Knights," added the mage.

"That remains to be seen," the ogre shot back.

"Well," replied the mage, looking upward at a 90 degree angle, "At least I'm the tallest knight."

Cid looked at Trent, "Are you sure you don't want some knights? These ones, perhaps?"

"What do I need knights for?" inquired Trent.

"We're exceptional waiters," replied the ogre. As the ogre turned to face Trent, the mage withdrew a lighter from his voluminous robes and set the ogre's fur on fire.

"Hey! Hey!" shouted the ogre, running about, "No fair!"

"I've noticed that you don't seem to be waiting anymore," replied the mage.

"Of course I'm still waiting!"

"Actually, you appear to be rolling on the ground and burning."

"I'm also waiting."

"You can't do something else at the same time as you wait!"

"Nonsense! When I order pizza, I watch TV while I wait for it to show up."

"That's different."

"How so?"

"Well, you're not accomplishing anything while you watch TV You're just having some fun. Right now, you're getting some serious burning done."

"Oh, it's not serious burning. I happen to enjoy burning. In fact, I'm the best burner in Cid's knights!"

"Oh, no you're not," replied the mage, dousing himself in gasoline, "Beat this!"

He flicked a lighter and burst into flames, creating a rather spectacular human-torch effect.

"Ha!" shouted the ogre, "I have more body mass to burn than you." He also doused himself in gas, creating an even bigger ogre-torch effect. "I can keep this up all day!" he shouted.

From a safe distance, Trent asked Cid, "Are they always like that?"

"No," replied Cid, "sometimes they do weird things."

At that moment, the ogre ripped a monstrous fart, spewing flames across the length of the village.

"Such as that," added Cid.

"You don't suppose they know what Sephy is up to?"

"You're welcome to find out," said Cid.

Trent made a rather comical figure, chasing after a burning ogre as he tore through the village at a rate of speed ordinarily associated with aircraft. As Trent watched, the mage came over to stand beside him.

"What do you suppose that guy's doing?" asked the mage, "It looks pretty weird."

"Yeah," said Cid, lighting a cigar on the burning mage, "I do tend to hang around with strange people."

"That's why I hang around you. I get to see people behaving totally weirdly. By the way, do you think I'm a better burner than BOU?"

"No comment," replied Cid prudently. "Say, have you seen a guy in a black cape around here?"

"Sure, all over the place! Black capes are coming back into style, don't you know."

"This guy would be carrying a sword that's bigger than he is, and travelling with a headless naked woman."

"Oh, that guy. Yeah, he said that he was going to the Temple of the Ancients. It's right in the middle of a forest way down south. I remember it clearly, because that's where we went when BOU said he was a Super Master Logger and I had to prove that I was the best logger in Cid's knights. Funny thing, though, there doesn't seem to be a way in. Black-cape said he needed a keystone of some sort, but I have no idea what the hell he was talking about. You might want to ask Herman."

"Herman?"

"Yeah, he's a blacksmith. Lives on a peninsula way down south. He knows a lot about rocks. I remember him clearly because we went down there when BOU said that he was the best blacksmith in--"

"I get the idea," said Cid, "Thanks." He stubbed out his cigar, and lit one more on the burning mage.

"Any time! Just remember who the best burner is!"

Sure enough, Herman had once owned the stone. He reluctantly told Trent who he'd sold it to: Dios. The Pink Panther couldn't lift out of the water, so Trent, Aeris, and Cait Sith walked to Corel Village to take the Ropeway, while the others stayed behind to mind the Pink Panther.

"This time stay with the vehicle, Bare-It," Trent had said before they left, "We REALLY don't need this vehicle being stolen."

"I said I was sorry," Bare-It had replied sullenly.

When they found the Keystone in Dios's showroom, the burly manager walked into the room.

"Beauty, ain't it?" he said.

"Yeah," replied Trent, "Can I have it?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Come on! Pretty puh-leeeeze?"

"Oh, stop it!"

"Only if you give me the rock."

"Fine! If it'll shut you up, you can have the fucking rock. What a whiner!" Dios stormed off.

They returned to the Ropeway station to discover that the tram was malfunctioning and would be unable to make any trips back down to Corel until the morning. They retired for the evening.

Late that night, there was a scratching at the door of Trent's hotel room.

"Go back to bed!" he shouted.

"But the litterbox is downstairs!" whined Cait Sith.

"Go back to bed!" he repeated.

The scratching resumed insistently. Aeris rolled over.

"Trent, would you put the cat out, please?" she said dreamily.

Muttering swear words, Trent opened the door. Cait Sith bounded outside.

"I don't know why we couldn't just get that damn cat a room of his own." he said.

"At least we have some privacy now," replied Aeris, a suggestive grin on her face.

Trent's face lit up.

Thirty seconds later, a plaintive scratching came on the door. "I'm cold!" complained Cait Sith from beyond the door.

"Dammit!" exclaimed Trent and Aeris together.

"When this is all over," said Trent, "There is NO way I'm ever getting a cat!"

"Amen," replied Aeris.

"You know," thought Trent, "We might be able to get some privacy if we weren't in this room."

"I like the way you think," replied Aeris, "I was really looking forward to that after-sex smoke."

"Hm," replied Trent, "I hadn't given any thought to after."

"Oh, let the cat in," Aeris replied, swatting him with a pillow.

Trent and Aeris walked into the theatre. An usher met them at the door saying that by being the 100th couple through the door, they had "won" roles in the play. Aeris was delighted.

"Isn't this what they do when they can't afford to hire enough actors?" asked Trent.

Aeris just rolled her eyes and pushed Trent onto the stage.

A knight approached from the other side of the stage.

"Oh, Hero Alfred, you must save the lady Rosa from the Evil Dragon King!", he said.

Moments passed.

"Ahem. Hero Alfred. That's your line, Hero Alfred." the knight prompted.

Trent looked around. "I don't think the Hero Alfred can hear you," he said.

The knight glared. "You're the Hero Alfred," he said.

"Oh," said Trent, "Let me guess. I'm supposed to slay the Evil Dragon King, marry the damsel in distress, and live happily ever after, right?"

"Well, that is the idea."

"How mundane."

"You have a better idea."

"How about if I challenge you?"

"Er, challenge?" replied the knight/actor, visibly nervous, "What sort of challenge did you have in mind?"

Trent cast down a gauntlet, and declared, "I am the best burner in Cid's Knights!"

From the back of the stage, Aeris's muffled voice said, "Oh, shit!"

Affronted, the knight replied, "Oh, no, sir! There are no finer burners than I!"

"Alfred, stop!" shouted Aeris, rushing onto the stage.

"Oh, no, it's too late for that!" grinned Trent, "There must be a contest!"

The audience cheered.

"We shall have a burning competition!" declaimed Trent, "And the finer burner shall have the hand of the Lady Rosa!"

"Accepted!" cried the knight, setting himself on fire. The knight danced around the stage, failing to notice that Trent was rather thoroughly kissing Aeris. The audience erupted in laughter.

The stage manager thought {I'd better get those two off the stage before they do anything untoward.}

Thus, Trent and Aeris found themselves unceremoniously hustled off of the stage and out of the theatre.

"That was fun," said Aeris, "And--Hey!"

Trent spun around, trying to see what Aeris had reacted to. "What is it?" he inquired.

"I tought I taw a puddy tat!"

Cait Sith's head popped out of one of the chutes.

"I did! I did! I did taw a puddy tat!"

"After him!" cried Trent.

They chased Cait Sith all over the Gold Saucer, finally winding up on the long steps in front of the Chocobo Square. Then they noticed that he was carrying the Keystone. A Hair Club helicopter was hovering overhead. Cait Sith tossed the keystone at Tseng, who was clinging to the undercarriage. The helicopter buggered off.

"You traitor!" accused Trent.

"Alright," admitted Cait Sith, "I am an employee of the Hair Club for Men, but we're really not at cross-purposes here."

"Spy!" hissed Aeris.

"I'm really going to have to insist that I continue travelling with you guys."

"Why," raged Trent, "So you can keep spying on us?"

"Sir, let us be reasonable. I want to you to forbear gutting me like a fish, and there's something you'd probably rather I didn't do..."

"You son of a bitch," rasped Trent, "What have you done?"

Smugly, the cat dialed a cell phone. He set it on "intercom" so that Trent and Aeris could listen in.

"Hello?" came a child's voice.

"Marlene!" exclaimed Trent.

"Trent?" answered the voice, "Help!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm at Hair Club HQ," she said.

"Have they hurt you?"

"No," sobbed Marlene, "they're doing something much, much worse. They're using (sob) sarcasm!"

"Bastards!" breathed Aeris.

Cait Sith hung up the phone. "So you see, if I can't come with you, I'm afraid that I'll have no choice but to continue to employ rather scathing sarcasm on an innocent little girl. We wouldn't want that, now would we?"

"Damn!" swore Trent, "If we let you come along, you'll stop?"

"If I must," replied Cait Sith.

"Come on then. We're headed for the temple."

"Everybody!" shouted a burly man on the deck of an ocean liner docked at Costa Del Sol.

"I wish I was in Sherbrooke now!" chorused the sailors gathered below,

"I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold,

we'd fire no guns,

shed no teaaaaaars!

Now I'm a drunken man on a Halifax beer,

The last of Bare-It's Privateers!"

"That's a wrap!" shouted the burly fellow on the liner, "We sail for Bone Town tomorrow!" A cheer erupted from the sailors below.

After the crowd had dispersed, the Batmobile burst onto the scene. It roared down a pier. Just before it went heaving into the sea below, a door opened and a black-cloaked man leaped out, followed by several moogles, who immediately headed in the direction of Corel Village.

The black-cloaked man rolled on the pier, stood up, and dusted himself off.

"Fux0r," muttered the man, "1 w1sh 1 h4d kn0wn h0w t0 st0p."

Preview of Chapter 16:

"It's like my dad always said: Cid, he said, always carry a few extra SAM's. You never know when you're gonna need to off a few 'skeeters."

"God help him if he gets his willy caught!"

"You know what your problem is? You're a penguin, aren't you?"