Chapter 16

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The engine of the Pink Panther sputtered to a stop on the shores of a forested isle, and Trent, Cid, and Aeris debarked.

"There it is," breathed Aeris, awed, "The Temple of the Ancients."

"Fuckit," muttered Cid.

"Impressive, eh?" asked Aeris.

"No," replied Cid, "I said fuckit because I'm out of Deep Woods Off. The mosquitos are going to eat me alive!"

"Excited to be here?" asked Trent.

"Do bears shit in the woods?" replied Aeris.

"Apparently so," said Trent, pointing.

"Mind your own damn business!" roared the bear over his newspaper. Crouched next to him was a rabbit.

"Hey," said the bear to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No," replied the rabbit, "Why?"

So the bear wiped his ass on the rabbit.

Trent's attention was pulled away from the bear-rabbit spectacle by the sound of an explosion.

"What the hell was that?" he gasped.

Cid shrugged. "I'm outta Off, so I'm using these portable Surface-to-Air Missiles to keep the bugs away. It's like my dad always said: 'Cid,' he said, 'always carry a few extra SAM's. You never know when you're gonna need to off a few 'skeeters.'"

"Your dad really said that?"

"Well, he was into crack."

"That explains it."

Forest gave way to clearing, and there stood a massive pyramidic structure.

Aeris gasped. "They're here. The Ancients. I can feel them...the hair on the back of my neck is standing up!"

"Sorry," replied Trent, putting the comb away, "That was me."

The trio walked into the main entrance of the temple. There was blood everywhere, and in the middle of it was Tseng.

"Oh, my god!" exclaimed Aeris, "Tseng, are you all right? Did Sephy do this?"

"Wha--no!" replied Tseng, turning around. His face was covered in small cuts, "I'm just not very good at shaving. Sephy's in there, though. He gave me a dollar to leave him alone."

"Where's the keystone?" demanded Trent.

"Oh, here," muttered Tseng, "I guess Sephy didn't pay me to keep others out. Here ya go."

Trent slid the keystone into an oddly-shaped receptacle in a stone pedestal.

"You have fallen...Into the clapper trap!" boomed a voice.

"You swine!" exclaimed Trent as he slid through the floor.

"That was cool," chuckled Cid when the trio had recovered sufficiently from their trip through the solid stone floor, "Let's do it again."

"No," replied Trent, "We're here for a purpose."

"And that is-?" inquired Cid.

Aeris answered, "The Trousers. The Ancients are telling me that the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers are stored in here."

"Then we're too late?" asked Trent.

"No, no...Sephy doesn't have them yet...plus, he's not strong enough to put them on by himself...That zipper is a real bugger. No, first, he needs to get them out of the Temple, and then he needs to use a hydraulic lift to get the zipper up--And God help him if he gets his willy caught!"

"What is this...Hydraulic lift of which you speak?" asked Trent.

"It's a special machine, created by the Ancients. All of the Ancient's old machinery is stored in a great depot in the Earth's Wound."

"Why didn't you mention this stuff earlier?" inquired Trent.

"Earth's Wound?" asked Cid.

"Trent: I'm just learning now. The Ancients are telling me. And Cid: Thousands of years ago, a big-ass rock slammed into the earth, making an enormous crater. It also wiped out the Dinosaurs."

"What the hell are you talking about, Ancients? I don't see no freaking Ancients!"

"WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGERS!"

"Cid, calm down."

"Sorry."

"Well, Aeris? What about these badg--Ancients?"

"Don't you hear them? The voices!"

"You're hearing voices?"

"Yeah!"

"That explains a lot."

"Hey, I think I'm starting to hear voices! And the walls are melting! And look, there's thousands of cobras coming down those stairs!" exclaimed Cid.

"Um, Cid?" asked Trent.

"Yes, Trent?"

"What exactly is it that you're smoking?"

An hour later, the trio found themselves in a narrow hallway dodging enormous rocks. The rocks had "bites" taken out of them, and the group had to try to sit where those holes would be to avoid being flattened by the rocks. Once, near the end of the hallway, Trent got caught by one of the boulders.

"Trent, are you OK?" exclaimed Aeris.

"Dammit, man, that musta hurt!" added Cid.

"That," moaned Trent, "sucked a mountain of ass the size of Midgar."

The trio retreated to a pinkish shimmering pool halfway through the hall.

"Hey," said Aeris, "I think I hear voices coming out of the pool!" She leaned over the rolling pink waters.

"Hmm," she continued, "It seems to be quieter now. Hey, Cid, gimme another drag!"

Cid reluctantly passed the wrist-thick bundle of vegetable matter over. Aeris took a deep drag and passed it back.

"There," she finished, "the pool's talking again."

Trent pushed her into the water.

After still more fruitless searching of the Temple, the trio came into a room that looked like an enormous analog clock suspended over a pit. The minute and hour hands spanned the gap, allowing them to cross to any one of 12 rooms stationed around the circle, by "winding" the clock to position the hands. Trent crept along to the middle first, motioning the other two to wait. As he neared the middle, a nasty thought occurred to him.

"Hey," he started, "I hope this isn't a-!"

"CUCKOO!!" chimed the giant clown head, springing up from the center of the clock face, and propelling Trent into the pit below. He hit the bottom, making a sickening "Squish" noise.

"Oh my god!" repeated Aeris, "Trent, are you all right?"

Trent moaned, "That sucked a mountain of ass the size of the frigging Gold Saucer!"

"What's down there?"

"Shit," answered Trent, "This appears to have been the Ancient's midden. Toss me a rope before I pu--! (gagging noise) Oh, too late. Toss me a rope anyway."

"Surely it can't be that bad," called Cid downwards.

"Why don't you come down here and find out," answered Trent, "Hell, I'll even trade places with you."

Only minutes later, the trio entered a hallway covered with hieroglyphics. In the center of the room was depicted an enormous comet streaming across the sky. The trio paused to look at it.

"Ah, the ancient meteor," came a laconic voice behind them, "How the people of Earth trembled at her coming."

From the shadows emerged Sephy Lee Roth, his face a picture of scorn. He was trailed by the headless, naked figure of Jehova.

"Thousands of years ago it came," quoth Sephy, "A calamity from the skies, striking the Earth far to the north, causing species to become immediately extinct, and bringing a mighty ice age. Death stalked the Earth for ages, and one being reigned supreme...until the Ancients came!" Sephy spat the word "Ancients", investing it with thousands of years of scorn.

Jehova gestured towards the mural of the ancient Meteor. "Recognize anyone?" came her disembodied voice.

"The Cetra weren't the only people to travel the stars in the Ancient days," said Sephy, "Mother's people--my people--once ruled an empire spanning galaxies. And we will again, even with only two of us left." With that, Sephy faded away, chuckling.

Trent drew forth his sword, "Sephy!" he screamed, "Come out and fight like a man!" But there was no answer.

Aeris gasped, and pointed to a shadowed alcove. Nothing was there, but there was a spot on the stone with no dust. A spot in the shape of a pair of trousers.

Trent fainted dead away.

Shadows stalked the night...And Batman stalked the shadows. Leaping from rooftop to rooftop like an acrobat, he--

"Trent!"

{dammit.}

The dream faded away, to show a forest. From behind a tree came Aeris.

"I can still stop him, Trent," said Aeris, "But I need your help. Just keep Sephy off my ass while I try to use the White Magic."

"White Magic?" asked Trent.

"Remember that Materia I showed you? The one that doesn't do anything?"

"You mean that piece of scud I chucked out the window of the trolley at the Gold Saucer."

"Yeah that. That was the White Materia, fashioned by the Ancients to protect the Earth if the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers ever fell into foul hands. While I can't find it anymore," Aeris broke off briefly to glare at Trent, "Maybe I can harvest enough energy to invoke it wherever it is if I stand at the heart of the City of the Ancients on the Northern Continent. All you have to do is keep Sephy off my ass for a little while. You think you can do that, hotshot?" With that, she faded away.

The dream started to fade away like Aeris, when suddenly it jerked back into focus. A sinister hush fell over the forest as Sephy Lee Roth descended from the upper branches of a mighty Gilden tree.

"She's going to be a difficult one, isn't she?" Sephy drawled. "Race you to the Cetra capital! I'm almost there!" Sephy burst into near hysterical laughter. Jehova descended from a smaller tree and slapped Sephy sharply across the cheek.

"Thanks," muttered the white-haired swordsman, "I needed that."

This time the dream faded away for real.

Trent came awake to find Bare-It lowering his hand into a tray of warm water.

"Ahem! Excuse me!"

Bare-It jumped back, grinning guiltily.

Trent examined his surroundings. It looked like any room, except--

A poster stood on the wall, reading "Robinett's: The Underwear Rental Specialists"

"Shit!" exclaimed Trent.

"What's your problem?" asked Bare-It.

"We're in Gongaga! Sephy's way ahead of us!"

"That's not your problem." said Bare-It.

"What?"

"You know what your problem is? You're a penguin, aren't you?"

"Um, no, I'm not a penguin."

"Are you sure?"

"There's not one single thing penguinesque about me."

"What about your flippers?"

"Well, there is the flippers. But aside from that, I don't have a penguin-like bone in my body."

"And the beak?"

"That's more like a puffin's beak."

"So you admit that you're a PUFFIN, then."

"Yes. Yes. I am a puffin. A Stud-Puffin, if you will."

"And if I won't?"

"You won't what?"

"You said, 'if you will'. That implies an option."

"Then I'd still be a Stud-Puffin."

"Puffin, my ass. You're a penguin."

Abruptly, Trent realized what they were talking about. "Did someone lace the water?"

"I dunno," replied Bare-It, "But whatever it is that Cid is smoking, it sure smells good. Like fresh horse manure. That bothered me at first, but now I have this irresistable fondness for horseshit."

"Clear the air. We gotta go!"

Bare-It looked at Trent quizzically, and Trent filled him in on what had happened in the Temple and afterwards in his dream.

Preview of Chapter 17:

"OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, so you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...I appear to be seeing Big Ogre Umaro in a dress."

"Ah'm so bloo'y Sco'ish me liver is colored wi' me family tartan!"

"But this is Bleys-caliber creepiness."