Chapter 17
-----
Trent, Cid, and Arsechimp disembarked at Bone Village. On the way in, Trent finished updating Arsechimp on recent events.
"...So," he was finishing, "We have to find the Lunar Harp to get into the Forgotten Capital...Hopefully we'll find Aeris in time to protect her from whatever Sephy has in mind. Cid should come in handy for finding the Harp. Two of his knights hang out he...Oh, my god."
Cid just nodded. Arsechimp whimpered.
Trent said, "OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, so you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...I appear to be seeing Big Ogre Umaro in a dress."
"Sure you don't want a knight or two?" commented Cid dryly.
"You see it too?" asked Trent.
"Sure," reassured Cid, "After a while, you get used to those two. Just don't pay them any mind."
BOU spotted the party and waved.
"Ach!" he shouted, "Come on' o'er here and spli' a haggis wi' me!"
The mage stepped out of a nearby tent and said, "Aye, laddy, bu' I've got tons more haggis than this bum-bailey!" Trent promptly noticed that the mage, too, was wearing a dress.
Trent, Cid, Arsechimp, BOU, and Raistlin sat around a fire.
"I's good ta see ya again, laddy!" shouted BOU, "Bu' wha' brings ya t' this country?"
Cid looked at Trent and said, "I'm not so sure myself. Why don't you explain."
Trent shrugged. "First of all, we need to find something called a Luna--Oh, christ, I can't help it. What's with the dress?"
Raistlin thwacked Trent upside the head with a stick. "I's no' a dress, laddy! Doon't ye knoo a kilt when ye sees one?"
"Och, I'm the most Sco'ish member o' Cid's Knights!" explained BOU, "And doo'nna liss'n ta wha' this feeb o'er here tells ya."
"Wha' are ya talkin' about laddy?" exclaimed Raistlin, "Ah'm so bloo'y Sco'ish me liver is colored wi' me family tartan!"
"And A'hm so bloo'y Sco'ish that e'en me haggis speaks with this ridiculous accent!" retorted BOU.
"A'll spli' a bloo'y haggis upside yer fool head, laddy!"
"Pah! Soo Sco'ish, are ye, laddy? How comes ye canna e'en pronoons' Cleidh Moore prooperly?"
"Och! A' leas' I kin spell i'!"
Cid cut in. "The Lunar Harp, gentlemen?"
"Is i' Sco'ish?" inquired BOU.
"Kuz if i' iin' Sco'ish, i's CRAHP!" Raistlin added.
"It's the most utterly Scottish thing in the whole wide world," said Trent diplomatically.
"SCO'LAND FOREVER!" exhulted the two Knights.
six hours later
"How kin ye claim to be Sco'ish if ye canna e'en smell the most Sco'ish thing in th' woorl'?" asked Raistlin acerbically, "Ye're aboo' as Sco'ish as Teriyaki!"
"Pah! You're aboo' as Sco'ish as the Canadian Beaver!"
"Actually," commented Trent, "That's quite Scottish."
"Silence, laddy!" raged BOU, pointing with his finger all aquiver.
At this point, Arsechimp returned from what the others had assumed to be a pee break.
"Come on," he said, "I've got the harp."
BOU and Raistlin's jaws dropped simultaneously.
"Ye kinna mean tha' this mutt is more Sco'ish than you!" laughed Raistlin, pointing at BOU.
"I donna see you wi' the bloo'y harp, ye rotten slab o' haggis!"
Perhaps there was more, but Trent would never know, because he was running towards the Ancient Forest with all the strength his legs would provide.
Trent lay asleep in an abandoned house in the Forgotten City, having searched for Aeris throughout the day, to no avail. He was so exhausted that he didn't even dream of being Batman. Until:
{Trent,} whispered a voice in his head, {Trent!}
{Just five more minutes, ma,} Trent thought back.
{I'm not your mother, you twit!} Now Trent recognized the voice. It was Aeris.
{Trent,} came the voice again, {I'm pregnant.}
Trent awoke with a start, in a cold sweat. Hasitly, he roused Arsechimp and Cid, who did not want to be awake, and who promised their undying vengeance, but who finally agreed to make one last trip around the city.
In the center of the city, they found a path that had not been there by day.
"Creepy," said Cid.
Arsechimp said, "I never thought to hear that from a guy who could ignore an ogre and a mage, each trying to convince the other that he was the more Scottish one."
"Yeah, BOU and Raistlin are pretty creepy," admitted Cid, "But this is Bleys-caliber creepiness."
A bolt of lightning thrown from the heavens shattered on the protective dome overtop of the Forgotten capital. Cid just shrugged.
"There!" Trent said, pointing, "There she is."
Aeris opened her eyes, saw Trent, and smiled.
There was a rustling from overhead. Trent looked up in time to see the grinning face of Sephy Lee Roth as he leaped from an overhead gallery, his sword held downward, pointed at Aeris's vulnerable back.
"No!" came a voice from nearby, and a second black-cloaked figure leaped at Aeris with his sword extended. The two black-cloaked figures collided with one another, landing on the stone in front of Aeris.
Trent shrugged, "When in Rome...", and he, too, leaped at Aeris with his sword extended, driving the blade into Aeris's chest and out the back.
Cid gasped.
{Oh shit,} thought Trent, {Now look what you've done.}
"Bad Trent!" growled Arsechimp, "No cookie!"
"What the hell did you do that for?" raged Cid.
Sephy laughed and floated away. The second black-cloaked figure just glared at Trent.
"Everyone else was doing it!" protested Trent weakly.
"Trent," gasped Aeris, "You asshole."
"H3y, sh3's st1ll 4l1v3!" said the black-cloaked man.
"Wha? Talk normally!" demanded Cid.
"Oh, sorry," said black-cloak, "It's just something I sorta do for fun. I said, 'Hey, she's still alive'. Hang on a sec, I have a FullCure materia here..."
"Zack?" gasped Aeris incredulously, "I thought you were dead!"
"Jeez," muttered Zack, "Take a short vacation, live amongst moogles for five years with little or no contact with civilization, and all the sudden you're dead. Well, not the zdawg, I tell you!" Finally, Zack finished digging through all of his mimett greens and kuso nuts, and produced the FullCure materia.
(Author's note: You didn't really think I was gonna let Aeris die, did you? Hell, I have a perfect chance to undo ALL of Square's mistakes, not just the ones involving Bare-It having clothes.)
The healing complete, Aeris filled everyone in on what had happened since their parting.
"I WAS able to invoke the White Materia," finished Aeris, "It must have been physically close at the time. Maybe it washed ashore nearby. I don't think it'll be enough, though. We've got to get those pants back from Sephy, fast. Before he calls the Meteor."
The five people who had gathered at the center of the Forgotten City met up with the rest of Trent's party at the Icicle Village on the northern end of the Northern continent.
"Christ," muttered Trent, "This place is colder than Alberta in December. I'm gonna have to get some long johns." He flagged down a nearby villager. "Hey," he said, "Where's the nearest Robinett's? I need to rent some underwear."
"Robinett's?" replied the villager, "Supply planes come once a month with food and medicine. We have no luxurious Underwear Rental Specialists. Only real men have what it takes to survive in Icicle Village."
"Shit," muttered Trent, "My boys are getting chilly."
"Tell me not about shit!" exclaimed the Inuit, "Here, we waste nothing! See that fire? It burns shit!"
"Too. Much. Information." said Trent, biting off each word like a snack of whale-blubber.
Finally, Trent gathered a snowboard and a map, and started off towards the massive slope that lead off towards Gaea's Cliff. Before he could push off, however, Icicle Village received a visit.
Elena of the Turks challenged Trent, "Damn you! Damn you for what you did to Tseng!"
"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Seph--!", Trent protested, but Elena was already swinging a punch. Hastily, Trent ducked, but when he stood up again, he misjudged his position, and accidentally head-butted Elena between the legs. She doubled over.
"Um, hey, how bad can it be?" asked Trent.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" shouted Elena in a high-pitched voice, "I'M A MAN!"
The two Hair Club guards dropped their rifles and fled. Trent, too, pushed off down the hill on his snowboard, pursued hotly by Zack and Aeris.
Preview of Chapter 18:
"Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"
"Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!"
-----
Trent, Cid, and Arsechimp disembarked at Bone Village. On the way in, Trent finished updating Arsechimp on recent events.
"...So," he was finishing, "We have to find the Lunar Harp to get into the Forgotten Capital...Hopefully we'll find Aeris in time to protect her from whatever Sephy has in mind. Cid should come in handy for finding the Harp. Two of his knights hang out he...Oh, my god."
Cid just nodded. Arsechimp whimpered.
Trent said, "OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, so you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...I appear to be seeing Big Ogre Umaro in a dress."
"Sure you don't want a knight or two?" commented Cid dryly.
"You see it too?" asked Trent.
"Sure," reassured Cid, "After a while, you get used to those two. Just don't pay them any mind."
BOU spotted the party and waved.
"Ach!" he shouted, "Come on' o'er here and spli' a haggis wi' me!"
The mage stepped out of a nearby tent and said, "Aye, laddy, bu' I've got tons more haggis than this bum-bailey!" Trent promptly noticed that the mage, too, was wearing a dress.
Trent, Cid, Arsechimp, BOU, and Raistlin sat around a fire.
"I's good ta see ya again, laddy!" shouted BOU, "Bu' wha' brings ya t' this country?"
Cid looked at Trent and said, "I'm not so sure myself. Why don't you explain."
Trent shrugged. "First of all, we need to find something called a Luna--Oh, christ, I can't help it. What's with the dress?"
Raistlin thwacked Trent upside the head with a stick. "I's no' a dress, laddy! Doon't ye knoo a kilt when ye sees one?"
"Och, I'm the most Sco'ish member o' Cid's Knights!" explained BOU, "And doo'nna liss'n ta wha' this feeb o'er here tells ya."
"Wha' are ya talkin' about laddy?" exclaimed Raistlin, "Ah'm so bloo'y Sco'ish me liver is colored wi' me family tartan!"
"And A'hm so bloo'y Sco'ish that e'en me haggis speaks with this ridiculous accent!" retorted BOU.
"A'll spli' a bloo'y haggis upside yer fool head, laddy!"
"Pah! Soo Sco'ish, are ye, laddy? How comes ye canna e'en pronoons' Cleidh Moore prooperly?"
"Och! A' leas' I kin spell i'!"
Cid cut in. "The Lunar Harp, gentlemen?"
"Is i' Sco'ish?" inquired BOU.
"Kuz if i' iin' Sco'ish, i's CRAHP!" Raistlin added.
"It's the most utterly Scottish thing in the whole wide world," said Trent diplomatically.
"SCO'LAND FOREVER!" exhulted the two Knights.
six hours later
"How kin ye claim to be Sco'ish if ye canna e'en smell the most Sco'ish thing in th' woorl'?" asked Raistlin acerbically, "Ye're aboo' as Sco'ish as Teriyaki!"
"Pah! You're aboo' as Sco'ish as the Canadian Beaver!"
"Actually," commented Trent, "That's quite Scottish."
"Silence, laddy!" raged BOU, pointing with his finger all aquiver.
At this point, Arsechimp returned from what the others had assumed to be a pee break.
"Come on," he said, "I've got the harp."
BOU and Raistlin's jaws dropped simultaneously.
"Ye kinna mean tha' this mutt is more Sco'ish than you!" laughed Raistlin, pointing at BOU.
"I donna see you wi' the bloo'y harp, ye rotten slab o' haggis!"
Perhaps there was more, but Trent would never know, because he was running towards the Ancient Forest with all the strength his legs would provide.
Trent lay asleep in an abandoned house in the Forgotten City, having searched for Aeris throughout the day, to no avail. He was so exhausted that he didn't even dream of being Batman. Until:
{Trent,} whispered a voice in his head, {Trent!}
{Just five more minutes, ma,} Trent thought back.
{I'm not your mother, you twit!} Now Trent recognized the voice. It was Aeris.
{Trent,} came the voice again, {I'm pregnant.}
Trent awoke with a start, in a cold sweat. Hasitly, he roused Arsechimp and Cid, who did not want to be awake, and who promised their undying vengeance, but who finally agreed to make one last trip around the city.
In the center of the city, they found a path that had not been there by day.
"Creepy," said Cid.
Arsechimp said, "I never thought to hear that from a guy who could ignore an ogre and a mage, each trying to convince the other that he was the more Scottish one."
"Yeah, BOU and Raistlin are pretty creepy," admitted Cid, "But this is Bleys-caliber creepiness."
A bolt of lightning thrown from the heavens shattered on the protective dome overtop of the Forgotten capital. Cid just shrugged.
"There!" Trent said, pointing, "There she is."
Aeris opened her eyes, saw Trent, and smiled.
There was a rustling from overhead. Trent looked up in time to see the grinning face of Sephy Lee Roth as he leaped from an overhead gallery, his sword held downward, pointed at Aeris's vulnerable back.
"No!" came a voice from nearby, and a second black-cloaked figure leaped at Aeris with his sword extended. The two black-cloaked figures collided with one another, landing on the stone in front of Aeris.
Trent shrugged, "When in Rome...", and he, too, leaped at Aeris with his sword extended, driving the blade into Aeris's chest and out the back.
Cid gasped.
{Oh shit,} thought Trent, {Now look what you've done.}
"Bad Trent!" growled Arsechimp, "No cookie!"
"What the hell did you do that for?" raged Cid.
Sephy laughed and floated away. The second black-cloaked figure just glared at Trent.
"Everyone else was doing it!" protested Trent weakly.
"Trent," gasped Aeris, "You asshole."
"H3y, sh3's st1ll 4l1v3!" said the black-cloaked man.
"Wha? Talk normally!" demanded Cid.
"Oh, sorry," said black-cloak, "It's just something I sorta do for fun. I said, 'Hey, she's still alive'. Hang on a sec, I have a FullCure materia here..."
"Zack?" gasped Aeris incredulously, "I thought you were dead!"
"Jeez," muttered Zack, "Take a short vacation, live amongst moogles for five years with little or no contact with civilization, and all the sudden you're dead. Well, not the zdawg, I tell you!" Finally, Zack finished digging through all of his mimett greens and kuso nuts, and produced the FullCure materia.
(Author's note: You didn't really think I was gonna let Aeris die, did you? Hell, I have a perfect chance to undo ALL of Square's mistakes, not just the ones involving Bare-It having clothes.)
The healing complete, Aeris filled everyone in on what had happened since their parting.
"I WAS able to invoke the White Materia," finished Aeris, "It must have been physically close at the time. Maybe it washed ashore nearby. I don't think it'll be enough, though. We've got to get those pants back from Sephy, fast. Before he calls the Meteor."
The five people who had gathered at the center of the Forgotten City met up with the rest of Trent's party at the Icicle Village on the northern end of the Northern continent.
"Christ," muttered Trent, "This place is colder than Alberta in December. I'm gonna have to get some long johns." He flagged down a nearby villager. "Hey," he said, "Where's the nearest Robinett's? I need to rent some underwear."
"Robinett's?" replied the villager, "Supply planes come once a month with food and medicine. We have no luxurious Underwear Rental Specialists. Only real men have what it takes to survive in Icicle Village."
"Shit," muttered Trent, "My boys are getting chilly."
"Tell me not about shit!" exclaimed the Inuit, "Here, we waste nothing! See that fire? It burns shit!"
"Too. Much. Information." said Trent, biting off each word like a snack of whale-blubber.
Finally, Trent gathered a snowboard and a map, and started off towards the massive slope that lead off towards Gaea's Cliff. Before he could push off, however, Icicle Village received a visit.
Elena of the Turks challenged Trent, "Damn you! Damn you for what you did to Tseng!"
"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Seph--!", Trent protested, but Elena was already swinging a punch. Hastily, Trent ducked, but when he stood up again, he misjudged his position, and accidentally head-butted Elena between the legs. She doubled over.
"Um, hey, how bad can it be?" asked Trent.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" shouted Elena in a high-pitched voice, "I'M A MAN!"
The two Hair Club guards dropped their rifles and fled. Trent, too, pushed off down the hill on his snowboard, pursued hotly by Zack and Aeris.
Preview of Chapter 18:
"Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"
"Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!"
