Chapter 18
-----
The party regrouped at the Base of Gaea's Cliff, where they found a small hut.
"Shit," exclaimed Bare-It, "Half of my hair must have gone gray on that snowboard ride! Trent, are you crazy?"
"I don't know," replied Trent, "But I do know this: I'M FRICKING COLD! C'mon, let's go into that hut. Maybe we can light it on fire to provide heat."
"You think you're cold?" said Bare-It.
They piled into the hut. Oddly enough, it was occupied, not by a corpscicle, but by a white-cloaked fellow.
"Hey," said Bare-It, "It's the guy from Gongaga! You know, the all-male group hug?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed Tifa, excited, "You're the author of 'All-Male Group Hugs and Other Things I Consider To Be My "Bag"', aren't you?"
The white-cloaked fellow just stared at Tifa's breasts.
"Aren't you?" repeated Tifa.
"Hello?" she added, waving her hands in front of his eyes.
The white-cloaked fellow came back to reality with a start, and said, "Wha-? Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your br--I mean...um...pondering the meaning of life! Yeah, the meaning of life! That's the ticket!"
"Oh?" replied Tifa icily, "What did you conclude the meaning of life is?"
"I dunno," replied the white-cloaked man, "But barbequed chicken is nice. Especially when you've been living out here in this blighted cold for weeks, eating nothing but dog food."
Cid gestured towards the pantry and said, "That's all that's in that pantry? Dog food?"
The white-cloaked man stared. "I have a pantry?" he said in wonder.
The pantry was stocked to the gills with expensive canned goods and barbeque sauce.
"Wow," said the white-cloaked man, "Wow, wow, WOW! Barbeque sauce...Campbell's soup...pancake mix...Oh, mother of god, there's even JELL-O in here!"
"Skanker," commented Cid dryly, "You're drooling."
The white-cloaked man wiped the drool off of his chin and set off in search of a barbeque.
"He does that a lot," said Cid.
"You know this guy?" asked Trent.
"He's one of my Knights," said Cid, "Plus, I edited his book....Don't tell him that, though. I put some pretty funny stuff in there that he doesn't know about."
An hour later, the white-cloaked man came back, his entire face covered in barbeque sauce. "You guys are the greatest," he said, "I haven't eaten like this in forever! How can I ever thank you?"
"LONG JOHNS," chorused Cid, Trent, Zack, and Vincent together.
"Wussies," muttered Bare-It.
White-cloak disappeared into a second room, and came back with some long johns. "This oughtta do the trick," he said, "I don't know how you guys got this far without good long johns. It's colder than a polar bear's nards out there!"
Cid said, "Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"
"SWEET!" shouted Trent, "Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"
"I just have one problem," said the white-cloaked man, "What am I going to do with all this dog food?"
Arsechimp's ears perked up. "Alpo?" he asked, hopefully.
Fortified by Robinett's long johns, Trent's group set about climbing Gaea's Cliff. It was such a terribly difficult venture that halfway up, they had to pause to take a vote upon whether or not to cut Tifa's breasts off to save weight. Eventually, however, they decided to divest themselves of the lesser burden of Arsechimp's 200 pounds of Alpo.
Near the top, the party was assaulted by what appeared to be a slavering, two-headed beast. However, it was just Mindfart without her make-up, so they proceded on towards the summit.
On the summit, Trent's party made the unwelcome discovery that the mountain they had been climbing was in fact merely the rim of a crater, and they had to climb back down the other face.
"Fux0r," muttered Zack, "T0 th1nk 1 c0uld b3 s133p1ng."
Aeris swatted Zack upside the head with a flapstick. "Speak normally," she reminded him. Zack snatched the flapstick from Aeris and ate it.
At about that time, a massive shadow passed over the party.
"Wh4t th3 fux0r?" exclaimed Zack, forgetting himself.
"That's my airship, the Highwind," stated Cid proudly. Then he did a double-take and examined the airship.
"Oh, my god," he mourned, "They've painted it pink!"
"They?" inquired Zack.
"The Hair Club for Men," answered Cid, "They took my precious airship and painted it pink!"
"Bastards," said Zack.
"They must be after Sephy," said Trent, "C'mon, let's keep going!"
The group pursued black-cloaked Sephy clones through the Whirlwind Maze, where three times, they were forced to pass through what Zack called "Wind-Walls." These were barriers that could only be passed at certain times. If the walls were touched at the wrong time, flying seahorses would be summoned to slay the intruders. Fortunately, Trent's party had swords, so the flying seahorses weren't much of a problem.
Finally, they caught up to Sephy and Jehova near the core of the crater.
"It's time," said Jehova, "Take them down, Sephy."
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!"
"And I don't even have a nose to pick, thanks to you!", raged Jehova, "Now do what I say!"
"Yes, mother," answered Sephy sullenly. He shimmered and transformed into a gigantic purple thing, and rushed at the party.
"Ye gods," breathed Bare-It, shooting, "What the devil is that."
"I've seen one of these before," Zack said grimly, "It's a...a..."
"What?" asked Aeris, motherly concern in her voice.
"It's a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater!," sobbed Zack.
"Oh, god," gasped Cid, parrying a blow with the haft of his spear, "It's awful...AWFUL!"
Cid shone that battle; He used his weapon as spear and quarterstaff both, slashing with the sword-like blade of the point, thrusting with the tip, and clubbing and parrying with the haft. The spear was a blur in his hands. It was a truly impressive sight...Until he tripped over the haft and hearly bobittized himself on the wicked, barbed point of the spear. That rather ruined the whole effect, overall.
Finally, the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater heaved its dying breath.
"It's not over," said Trent, "I can still feel Sephy. He's near."
Trent rolled the purple people-eater's corpse over and retrieved the Bastardly Productions Trousers.
"Here," he said to Bare-It, handing him the Trousers, "You're the only one I can trust not to put these on."
Bare-It just glared.
Trent, Tifa, and Zack proceded up the path alone.
White light obliterated everything. When the glare cleared, the three of them were standing near the entrance to Nibelheim.
"It's only an illusion," cautioned Trent, "Sephy's trying to throw us off-guard."
As if summoned by his name, Sephy stepped forward, completely ignoring the three of them standing there. He paused, and turned around, laughing...Just like the day of the Nibelheim Massacre.
Two Shinra guards stepped forth. Between them stood not Trent, but Zack.
"What the fux0r?" said Zack (the real one), "But j00 said...fux0r. Can't remember. Before the Moogles, it was."
"It's just an illusion," reassured Trent, "It's not real. Come on, let's go in."
Inside the town, they saw a scene from the following day: Nibelheim in flames.
"Just you watch," said Trent, "It's gonna be just like five years ago...but it won't be me coming out of that manor house."
Sure enough, an image of Zack emerged, sword in hand.
"I know what you're trying to say, Sephy," shouted Trent, "You're saying I wasn't here!"
"Bingo!" exclaimed Sephy, appearing in front of Trent.
"You're fulla shit," continued Trent, "I remember it so clearly...The flames...the anger...the wet-dog smell in the Inn...Those prostitutes by the crossroads. Especially the pros--" Trent broke off, noticing Tifa glaring at him.
"1z n0t wh4t 1 w4nt," sobbed Zack, "411 1 w4nt 1z 4 n1c3 d4rk c4v3 4nd s0m3 kus0 nutz..."
Tifa cracked Zack over the head with a flapstick. "Speak. Normally." she growled.
"Sorry," muttered Zack, munching on the flapstick.
"Shit," growled Bare-It, "What's that sme--"
White light obliterated everything...Then he saw Tifa standing in front of him.
"Bare-It, come on!" she cried, "Trent's in trouble! And Zack's hemorrhoids are acting up!"
"Hemorrhoids?" exclaimed Bare-It, "That's just too much. Too! Damn! MUCH!!!" He charged off towards the center of the crater.
"Don't forget the Trousers," chuckled Tifa after Bare-It's retreating back, morphing back into the form of Sephy Lee Roth.
Gathered at the core of the crater were President Rufus, Tifa, Zack, Trent, Hojo, Heidegger, and Scarlett. Bare-It charged in.
{Now,} thought Trent in a voice that was not his own. He flickered, and abruptly he stood inverted, high overhead, watching his own body far below.
{No,} he thought, {That's not me.}
The Trent-clone slowly approached Bare-It.
"The Trousers," he demanded.
"Sure thing," replied Bare-It, "I was startin' to get uncomfortable, ya know, bein' that close to clothing an' all."
{No, don't do it!} came a thought, which Trent identified as originating from Tifa. Apparently she was frozen as well.
{Wow,} came Zack's thought, {This is a really yummy flapstick. Too bad it'll probably give me severe diarrhea.}
{When you're sittin' in your Chevy and your pants are kinda heavy,} thought Trent back, {Diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into home, and your pants are fulla foam, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!}
{When you're swimmin' in the ocean and you hear a big explosion, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!} thought Tifa.
Meanwhile, the Trent-clone had recovered the Bastardly Productions Trousers and handed them over to Sephiroth, enclosed in his gelatinous capsule.
{Oops,} thought the real Trent, {Maybe we should have tried to stop him or something.}
{Hindsight is 20/20,} thought Zack.
"We have to evacuate," Rufus was saying to Bare-It, "Grab your friends and let's go...I have a few questions for you once we get out of here.
Bare-It chucked Tifa and Zack over his shoulder and hustled off towards the Highwind.
{Hey guys!} thought Trent, {Aren't you forgetting someone?}
...
...
...
{Oh, damn.}
The Highwind wasn't the only thing flying out of the crater as the Earth's Wound reacted to Sephy's summoning of the Meteor. Through the crashing debris came several gigantic beasts created by the Planet to combat the ill of Jehova: The Weapons. One bloody well near knocked the Highwind out of the sky.
Meanwhile, amidst all that crashing debris, Trent thought some very naughty words.
Preview of Chapter 19:
"My childhood friend is not a set of keys."
"The execution will commence as soon as our Hair Club animators finish drawing stench fumes to superimpose onto the live feed."
"Have any of them actually grown, or do you just have a bunch of dead goats buried in your back yard?"
-----
The party regrouped at the Base of Gaea's Cliff, where they found a small hut.
"Shit," exclaimed Bare-It, "Half of my hair must have gone gray on that snowboard ride! Trent, are you crazy?"
"I don't know," replied Trent, "But I do know this: I'M FRICKING COLD! C'mon, let's go into that hut. Maybe we can light it on fire to provide heat."
"You think you're cold?" said Bare-It.
They piled into the hut. Oddly enough, it was occupied, not by a corpscicle, but by a white-cloaked fellow.
"Hey," said Bare-It, "It's the guy from Gongaga! You know, the all-male group hug?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed Tifa, excited, "You're the author of 'All-Male Group Hugs and Other Things I Consider To Be My "Bag"', aren't you?"
The white-cloaked fellow just stared at Tifa's breasts.
"Aren't you?" repeated Tifa.
"Hello?" she added, waving her hands in front of his eyes.
The white-cloaked fellow came back to reality with a start, and said, "Wha-? Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your br--I mean...um...pondering the meaning of life! Yeah, the meaning of life! That's the ticket!"
"Oh?" replied Tifa icily, "What did you conclude the meaning of life is?"
"I dunno," replied the white-cloaked man, "But barbequed chicken is nice. Especially when you've been living out here in this blighted cold for weeks, eating nothing but dog food."
Cid gestured towards the pantry and said, "That's all that's in that pantry? Dog food?"
The white-cloaked man stared. "I have a pantry?" he said in wonder.
The pantry was stocked to the gills with expensive canned goods and barbeque sauce.
"Wow," said the white-cloaked man, "Wow, wow, WOW! Barbeque sauce...Campbell's soup...pancake mix...Oh, mother of god, there's even JELL-O in here!"
"Skanker," commented Cid dryly, "You're drooling."
The white-cloaked man wiped the drool off of his chin and set off in search of a barbeque.
"He does that a lot," said Cid.
"You know this guy?" asked Trent.
"He's one of my Knights," said Cid, "Plus, I edited his book....Don't tell him that, though. I put some pretty funny stuff in there that he doesn't know about."
An hour later, the white-cloaked man came back, his entire face covered in barbeque sauce. "You guys are the greatest," he said, "I haven't eaten like this in forever! How can I ever thank you?"
"LONG JOHNS," chorused Cid, Trent, Zack, and Vincent together.
"Wussies," muttered Bare-It.
White-cloak disappeared into a second room, and came back with some long johns. "This oughtta do the trick," he said, "I don't know how you guys got this far without good long johns. It's colder than a polar bear's nards out there!"
Cid said, "Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"
"SWEET!" shouted Trent, "Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"
"I just have one problem," said the white-cloaked man, "What am I going to do with all this dog food?"
Arsechimp's ears perked up. "Alpo?" he asked, hopefully.
Fortified by Robinett's long johns, Trent's group set about climbing Gaea's Cliff. It was such a terribly difficult venture that halfway up, they had to pause to take a vote upon whether or not to cut Tifa's breasts off to save weight. Eventually, however, they decided to divest themselves of the lesser burden of Arsechimp's 200 pounds of Alpo.
Near the top, the party was assaulted by what appeared to be a slavering, two-headed beast. However, it was just Mindfart without her make-up, so they proceded on towards the summit.
On the summit, Trent's party made the unwelcome discovery that the mountain they had been climbing was in fact merely the rim of a crater, and they had to climb back down the other face.
"Fux0r," muttered Zack, "T0 th1nk 1 c0uld b3 s133p1ng."
Aeris swatted Zack upside the head with a flapstick. "Speak normally," she reminded him. Zack snatched the flapstick from Aeris and ate it.
At about that time, a massive shadow passed over the party.
"Wh4t th3 fux0r?" exclaimed Zack, forgetting himself.
"That's my airship, the Highwind," stated Cid proudly. Then he did a double-take and examined the airship.
"Oh, my god," he mourned, "They've painted it pink!"
"They?" inquired Zack.
"The Hair Club for Men," answered Cid, "They took my precious airship and painted it pink!"
"Bastards," said Zack.
"They must be after Sephy," said Trent, "C'mon, let's keep going!"
The group pursued black-cloaked Sephy clones through the Whirlwind Maze, where three times, they were forced to pass through what Zack called "Wind-Walls." These were barriers that could only be passed at certain times. If the walls were touched at the wrong time, flying seahorses would be summoned to slay the intruders. Fortunately, Trent's party had swords, so the flying seahorses weren't much of a problem.
Finally, they caught up to Sephy and Jehova near the core of the crater.
"It's time," said Jehova, "Take them down, Sephy."
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!"
"And I don't even have a nose to pick, thanks to you!", raged Jehova, "Now do what I say!"
"Yes, mother," answered Sephy sullenly. He shimmered and transformed into a gigantic purple thing, and rushed at the party.
"Ye gods," breathed Bare-It, shooting, "What the devil is that."
"I've seen one of these before," Zack said grimly, "It's a...a..."
"What?" asked Aeris, motherly concern in her voice.
"It's a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater!," sobbed Zack.
"Oh, god," gasped Cid, parrying a blow with the haft of his spear, "It's awful...AWFUL!"
Cid shone that battle; He used his weapon as spear and quarterstaff both, slashing with the sword-like blade of the point, thrusting with the tip, and clubbing and parrying with the haft. The spear was a blur in his hands. It was a truly impressive sight...Until he tripped over the haft and hearly bobittized himself on the wicked, barbed point of the spear. That rather ruined the whole effect, overall.
Finally, the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater heaved its dying breath.
"It's not over," said Trent, "I can still feel Sephy. He's near."
Trent rolled the purple people-eater's corpse over and retrieved the Bastardly Productions Trousers.
"Here," he said to Bare-It, handing him the Trousers, "You're the only one I can trust not to put these on."
Bare-It just glared.
Trent, Tifa, and Zack proceded up the path alone.
White light obliterated everything. When the glare cleared, the three of them were standing near the entrance to Nibelheim.
"It's only an illusion," cautioned Trent, "Sephy's trying to throw us off-guard."
As if summoned by his name, Sephy stepped forward, completely ignoring the three of them standing there. He paused, and turned around, laughing...Just like the day of the Nibelheim Massacre.
Two Shinra guards stepped forth. Between them stood not Trent, but Zack.
"What the fux0r?" said Zack (the real one), "But j00 said...fux0r. Can't remember. Before the Moogles, it was."
"It's just an illusion," reassured Trent, "It's not real. Come on, let's go in."
Inside the town, they saw a scene from the following day: Nibelheim in flames.
"Just you watch," said Trent, "It's gonna be just like five years ago...but it won't be me coming out of that manor house."
Sure enough, an image of Zack emerged, sword in hand.
"I know what you're trying to say, Sephy," shouted Trent, "You're saying I wasn't here!"
"Bingo!" exclaimed Sephy, appearing in front of Trent.
"You're fulla shit," continued Trent, "I remember it so clearly...The flames...the anger...the wet-dog smell in the Inn...Those prostitutes by the crossroads. Especially the pros--" Trent broke off, noticing Tifa glaring at him.
"1z n0t wh4t 1 w4nt," sobbed Zack, "411 1 w4nt 1z 4 n1c3 d4rk c4v3 4nd s0m3 kus0 nutz..."
Tifa cracked Zack over the head with a flapstick. "Speak. Normally." she growled.
"Sorry," muttered Zack, munching on the flapstick.
"Shit," growled Bare-It, "What's that sme--"
White light obliterated everything...Then he saw Tifa standing in front of him.
"Bare-It, come on!" she cried, "Trent's in trouble! And Zack's hemorrhoids are acting up!"
"Hemorrhoids?" exclaimed Bare-It, "That's just too much. Too! Damn! MUCH!!!" He charged off towards the center of the crater.
"Don't forget the Trousers," chuckled Tifa after Bare-It's retreating back, morphing back into the form of Sephy Lee Roth.
Gathered at the core of the crater were President Rufus, Tifa, Zack, Trent, Hojo, Heidegger, and Scarlett. Bare-It charged in.
{Now,} thought Trent in a voice that was not his own. He flickered, and abruptly he stood inverted, high overhead, watching his own body far below.
{No,} he thought, {That's not me.}
The Trent-clone slowly approached Bare-It.
"The Trousers," he demanded.
"Sure thing," replied Bare-It, "I was startin' to get uncomfortable, ya know, bein' that close to clothing an' all."
{No, don't do it!} came a thought, which Trent identified as originating from Tifa. Apparently she was frozen as well.
{Wow,} came Zack's thought, {This is a really yummy flapstick. Too bad it'll probably give me severe diarrhea.}
{When you're sittin' in your Chevy and your pants are kinda heavy,} thought Trent back, {Diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into home, and your pants are fulla foam, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!}
{When you're swimmin' in the ocean and you hear a big explosion, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!} thought Tifa.
Meanwhile, the Trent-clone had recovered the Bastardly Productions Trousers and handed them over to Sephiroth, enclosed in his gelatinous capsule.
{Oops,} thought the real Trent, {Maybe we should have tried to stop him or something.}
{Hindsight is 20/20,} thought Zack.
"We have to evacuate," Rufus was saying to Bare-It, "Grab your friends and let's go...I have a few questions for you once we get out of here.
Bare-It chucked Tifa and Zack over his shoulder and hustled off towards the Highwind.
{Hey guys!} thought Trent, {Aren't you forgetting someone?}
...
...
...
{Oh, damn.}
The Highwind wasn't the only thing flying out of the crater as the Earth's Wound reacted to Sephy's summoning of the Meteor. Through the crashing debris came several gigantic beasts created by the Planet to combat the ill of Jehova: The Weapons. One bloody well near knocked the Highwind out of the sky.
Meanwhile, amidst all that crashing debris, Trent thought some very naughty words.
Preview of Chapter 19:
"My childhood friend is not a set of keys."
"The execution will commence as soon as our Hair Club animators finish drawing stench fumes to superimpose onto the live feed."
"Have any of them actually grown, or do you just have a bunch of dead goats buried in your back yard?"
