Chapter 21

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Clocks struck midnight as the Highwind hovered over the Corel Mountains, creeping slowly through the night, manned by a skeleton crew concerned only with not crashing into the mountainside. Deep in the bowels of the airship came a rather disturbing noise.

crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch! scrape, scrape, crunch, crunch, crunch.

click! A light came on, flicked by a red and tufted tail. Arsechimp glowered at Skanker.

"What?" inquired Skanker, which wasn't wise, as this caused incriminating scraps of kibble to tumble out of his mouth.

"I thought you didn't like Alpo," said Arsechimp accusingly.

"Alpo?" inquired Skanker, still bravely trying to retain his dignity, "I don't see any Alpo."

"You see that brown stuff in the dish you're hunched over? That's Alpo."

"Oh, this," said Skanker, "That's just--

"Oh, what's the use," he bawled, "I love the stuff, Arsechimp, love it. There's just nothing else like it in the world!"

Suddenly uncomfortable, the grizzled dog attempted to assume a sympathetic expression. He failed rather miserably. "It's OK," he said, "I know what you're going through. I'm somewhat fond of it myself."

Skanker looked up and said, "Maybe we should start a support group or something."

"Er, no," demurred Arsechimp, "I'm a dog. I'm supposed to like Alpo. You're nothing but a freak."

Skanker burst into tears.

{You handled that well, you fool,} thought Arsechimp.

Cid, Aeris, and Bare-It passed through Corel Village eventlessly and headed straight for the Mako reactor, where, Bare-It reasoned, the Huge Materia would have to have been stored. They had just entered the mouth of the reactor when Cid felt a tugging on his sleeve. It was Aeris.

"Um, Cid," she said, "Please tell me that light up ahead is attached to the hat of a coal miner."

Cid squinted, "Er, it does seem to be getting closer awfully fast, doesn't it?"

"Perhaps the miner is running?"

The argument was settled by the sound of a locomotive's horn followed by some rather intensive swearing. The three party members flattened themselves against a wall, barely missing being splattered all over the tunnel walls by the train.

"There!" shouted Bare-It, pointing, "They're getting away with the Huge Materia! We have to board the train!"

"Bare-It, are you daft?"

"Not according to the voices in my head, no."

"Just checking. OK, we'll jump on three. One...two...three!"

Several seconds passed as railcars went by.

"Say, Bare-It," said Cid, "Do you suppose it would really be so bad if the Hair Club dominated the earth?"

"Y..." Bare-It started, but the sight of the railcars whizzing by gave him second thoughts.

"Maybe if we run really fast we can catch up to it from behind?" suggested Aeris.

The argument was brought to a screeching halt when...well, the train came to a screeching halt. Bare-It, Cid, and Aeris seized the moment to very quietly stow away aboard a rail car. Shortly, the sound of voices drifted through the open door.

"...Eric, you daft bastard," one of the voices was saying, "I told you specifically to make sure you brought the drugs to the front of the train. Now we have to make a complete stop JUST to find the drugs and there's no need of that."

"Sorry," muttered another voice, "It was just so heavy, I thought I'd--"

"Ah, ah, ah, none of your excuses! Now bugger off, and don't come back until you've found the drugs."

Shortly later, Eric found his way into the car in which Aeris, Bare-It, and Cid were hiding. His eyes widened in alarm, until Aeris said, "Um...this is rather embarrassing, but could you direct me to the ladies room?"

It was intended as a joke, but apparently, Eric was none too bright, as he paused for a moment, and then gave directions.

"Um...er, thank you, sir," she said, "Now perhaps you could help those gentlemen over there find my earring?"

Eric promptly started searching through the straw on the floor of the cart...for at least six seconds, during which interval Aeris brought her staff down quite heavily onto the top of his head, rendering him unconscious.

It was only a matter of minutes before the party located the Huge Materia. They stuffed Eric in the chest where the Materia had been and quietly disembarked from the train.

Two days later, at Hair Club HQ...

"...ladies and gentlemen of the Board of Directors," Heidegger was saying, "I give you the weapon that will eradicate the Meteor for us!" With a flourish, he swept the chest open.

"A passed-out druggie who has soiled himself?" asked Rufus, puzzled.

"Er," said Heidegger, thinking quickly, "Yeah! Yeah, this guy's gonna stop Meteor for us."

Heidegger may have thought quickly, but he still wasn't very smart.

"How?" inquired Scarlett.

Heidegger turned to Eric, "Would you care to answer the question?"

Bewildered, Eric dreamily replied, "I'm a boy."

"Look, I know these things," Cait Sith was saying, "The Hair Club is going to attack Fort Condor any minute to get at that Huge Materia."

"How do we know you're not lying?" demanded Cid.

"How do we protect the fort?" asked Aeris.

"How do they get the soft, chewy caramel into a Caramilk bar?" asked Zack.

Every eye on the bridge of the Highwind fell upon Zack.

"Um, sorry," he said.

Lazily, Vincent said, "You know, I think the furball's right about the Hair Club attacking."

"Hm?" asked Cid, "How can you tell?"

Vincent pointed.

"Oh," replied Cid, "I guess the marching army is a rather broad hint, isn't it?"

"Terribly."

"What do you suppose we should do about it?"

"Run away?" suggested Zack, hopefully.

"We could try landing and smashing the army into little itty bits," said Arsechimp.

"Yeah, I'm for that," said Bare-It, "But you must admit, there is rather a lot of them."

"We could try hiring mercenaries," suggested Aeris.

This suggestion was met with much enthusaism, and the entire party pooled their money to support the mercenary operation. They came up with forty-nine cents.

Greg polished his new officer's badge. For once, things were starting to go right. He had the easy job of taking over an undefended Mako reactor, and the prospect of yet another promotion if he was succesful. With a wild yell, he ordered his forces to advance on Fort Condor...

...into a scene out of his nightmares. As a guard, he had been plagued with delusions about being stalked by a nudist Mr. T. These delusions had caused a nervous breakdown, and only months of intensive therapy had enabled him to accept that they were not real, that no large naked men sought his blood. Those delusions had been bad, but at least only one.

Thousands of naked Mr. T clones covered the slopes leading to the Fort Condor reactor, blood-curdling snarls fixed on their faces. Greg paled, and signalled to his senior NCO's. They went into a huddle.

"Is it working?" asked Bare-It anxiously. The cardboard cutouts had been his idea. With any luck, the Hair Club army would see them and flee. Instead, they had started a conference of some sort. At least it was better than a charge. Bare-It had put a lot of work into his cut-outs, and they were very formidable. However, he felt that, mighty as the cutouts were, they may have had difficulty when confronted with, say, hundreds of charging cavalry armed with polearms and wicked barbed swords dripping with death.

"What are they saying?" whispered Cid.

"Shh!" demanded Arsechimp.

{Of course,} Bare-It thought to himself, {Arsechimp's canine hearing should be able to pick up the sounds of the distant converence.}

Arsechimp looked puzzled. "OK, I think I'm mishearing, but I think what their general is saying is, 'oshitoshitoshitoshit we're all going to die'"

Bare-It grinned. He leaped out from behind the boulder the party had been hiding behind and shouted, "CHARGE!"

The Hair Club army scattered in all directions.

Back aboard the Highwind, the party celebrated.

"There's still a Huge Materia at Junon," said Cait Sith, "But right now I think we should go see how Trent and Tifa are doing...Maybe they will be well enough to come help us."

The massive airship turned southward.

Pausing in the act of uttering some rather unsettling reptilian swear words, a huge purple shape set out in pursuit...

Preview of Chapter 22:

"We've got a guy named Alfred who quotes Shakespeare and sings N*Sync"

"Paging Dr. Kevorkian."

"Even beardless, he's the best damn bearded boy this circus has ever had."