Cat- OK, I'm introducing this, coz I'm sick and bloody tired of the crap little opening title. Oh yes, isn't that a great name, Kaja the vampire slayer, whoopdeedo! Why not ROSIE, THE VAMPIRE CLAWER, or, ROSIE THE BIRD KILLER....ooo must go do that... anyway, here is chapter number 3, where I feature VERY LITTLE and Wu-fei (stupid womanising...) Features more than me, and little miss KJ features a whole lot more than me! I'm calling my agent...hello, I'd like Mr Woofy on the phone...

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
And her slayerettes
And the camera crew
And the stage management team...
AND THE CAT

Quick run over of parts...

K- KJ (Buffy)
L- Tammy (Cordelia)
R- Ruth (Syam Bailey in this chapter, 4 a laugh...u'll c)
S- Tasha (Willow pre gayness)
D- Duo (Xander)
H- Heero (Angel ps...HAHHAHAH)
T- Trowa (Rilay!)
Q- Quatre (Giles...soso sorry)
B- Ben (Wesley...SOOOOOOO sorry)
P- Paul (Spike...not sorry)

W- Wufei (head Camera Person, and a major/minor part in this)
C- Caz (Head of special effects and treasurer...she bought the damn spinny chairs)
M- Mark (Coffee boy)
I- Christian (Camera assistant)

1)- Kerry (Stage Manager)
2)- Steph (Professional Duo oogler...ehem I mean Wardrobe and Makeup!)
3)- Sara (Lighting and sound director)

Shall I begin?

Quatre is out of the broom closet. Duo and Heero HAVE (eventually) regained he feeling in their balls. It's time to begin another day on the Kaja the vampire slayer set...

W- dumdeedumdumdum! (he's polishing his camera, Nataku)
3)- Ok, I'm checking the sound now. Have you go the headset on?
1)- Yes already, hurry up! Linkin Park album is waiting!
3)- (Turns on sound)
1)- ARGH! TURN IT DOWN YOU DUMBASS!
3)- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
1)- TURN IT OFF!
3)- WHAT?
1)- TURN IT OFF!
W- Stupid women. (Turns on sound) That's what she wanted. She wanted the sound off.
3)- Hey, if Kerry wanted to go bounding off it's her choice, not mine.
W- Stupid, stupid, stupid...
S- (ambles in, rubbing ears) What the heck was that?
W- Baka Onnas over there tried out the new sound system and deafened themselves.
S- So what else is new? Anyway, Woofy, I've got a job for you.
W- You have?
S- I want you to learn these lines and when you have go into the wardrobe and makeup with Steph. Give her this note when you do. Don't read it. It's not for you're eyes.
W- Why not?
S- Girl talk.
W- Ahh yes, the communications of the inferior gender, why on earth would I want to read that?
S- (whispering in Wu-fei's ear) Because you have posters of Britney Spears and Christian Aguilera all over you're walls, you've never ever wanted to read playboy and you call up people pretending to be a girl...
W- ARGH! YOU LIE! (runs away screaming)
S- But how did I know? (points at cheeks and grins) Coz I'm amazing Ally!
Cat- You are? I would have chewed you up if you were.
S- Ah yes, Wu-fei will never know where baby Nataku went, such a sad thing... Oh well! Muse at work, coming through! (Barges off between people)
Cat- Ehem, folks, if you'll excuse me, I need some quiet time with Baby Nata... I mean my baby photos... yes... I was such a cute kitten, ehehehehehehe... (runs away, fast.)
K- (enters the set) Hey everybody!
All- Groan...
K- Hey cheer up! Haven't you guys got your paychecks yet?
All- Huh?! (Turn and glare at Tasha)
S- Guys, there in the post, honest they are!
D- Oh who cares anyway? This is about the fun of being in the theatrical limelight, not the money!
H- Duo, shut up.
S- Ok guys, we need to get to work. Ruth, I need to see you in my office, Ben, ask for a white shirt today, Quatre, the same applies to you, Everyone else, new wardrobe for all and lets roll people we have a deadline!
T- Since when did we have a deadline?
L- Since Tasha promised KJ this chapter would be finished by Monday, and we need to get this entire series over and done with quick coz Caz is demanding Life and Dreams Part two to be finished 4 Christmas or she'll rip Tasha's head off. Wow, I didn't breathe once in that entire sentence!
T- You really think Caz would rip Tasha's head off?
L- I wouldn't put it past her.
D- Hey, if Quatre can kill people under the influence of the zero system, Caz can do anything under the influence of anger!
C- HEY!
Q- Why you...(begins throttling Duo)
D- See what I mean? (choke)
B- Hey guys break it up!
P- No Ben, I want to see how this plays out!
B- Shut it Paul! You guys are like best friends, stop it!
Q- Correction, Trowa is my best friend.
D- CAN'T BREATHE! (wheeze)
B- Oh, I see, well, erm, that's an entirely different situation then isn't it?
P- Please continue.
B- Sorry for our interruption, guys. (Walk into make up)
C- Maybe you guys should stop now, I mean, Duo's face it going blue, and that blood vessel in your forehead looks ready to burst, Quat.
Q- (releases Duo)
D- choke wheeze Thank...you (collapses on the floor)
Q- Whoops... oh well... dum dee dum dee dum... (walks away whistling into Make up)
S- (runs over scattily) What's happened to my Xander!
C- You're little Quatty-watty that's what! Not so sweet and innocent now, is HE!
S- It's only Duo, lighten up Caz!
D- Hey!
C- So what, he's a nice guy, and he's funny and sweet and...
S- Oh no don't even go there...
D- No, continue, I'm liking the sound of this!
C- He's a nice person, and Quatre is being an absolute prat. Why don't you switch Quatre and Wu-fei 4 today, see how Quatre feels when he's been robbed of his job.
S- One, Cazy babe, step away from the shinigami! And two, I can't switch them today.
C- Why not? It would be healthy for Wu-fei to have a break from his precious Nataku.
S- I have Wu-fei doing another little job for me. How about I switch Mark and Quatre?
C- NO! It would be an insult to switch something so cute with Quatre! And it is ILLEGAL to put Mark in tweed!
S- Oh dear god... look, I have no idea what's going on in that little twisted mind of yours, but Cruise boy would look fine in tweed, and besides, Giles does not have platinum blonde hair, so Mark would fit the role better.
C- Fine! I really don't care. Right now, I have to go and log on to the system. (walks off in a huff)
S- I wonder what that was all about? (helps Duo up)
D- Thanks. (straightens his collar)
S- What is it with my best friends and you, huh?
D- I dunno, maybe I'm just irresistible!
S- I sincerely doubt it. Now get going, I have an appointment! (Duo runs off to make up, Tasha runs off to Trailer)
R- Finally! I thought you'd decided to leave me to rot!
S- There was an incident on set.
R- Like what?
S- Attempted murder, I think, lots of tense rage. Everyone's on edge this morning, I wonder why?
R- I aint got no clue! Anyway, Why have you invited me to the mobile a1 shrine?
S- (blushes) It isn't a shrine... it's a temple, and anyway, I need to speak to you about your role in Kaja the Vampire slayer.
R- (wells up) You're firing me, aren't you?
S- No Ruth! Of course not! It's just, I want you to do something else for me today.
R- Like what?
S- Well I'm adding a scene to the script. I want you to play Syam Bailey for today.
R- REALLY?!? WHAHOO!
S- Not so loud! Anyway, here's the script, learn the lines, get into make up and I'll see you on set.
R- Ciao beti! (winks and dashes off)
S- Well at least someone is happy today...
Cat- I'm not happy.
S- My point exactly. Listen, I have to get into Make up, we'll speak later, k? (walks off)
Cat- Oh sure, like in three years! (storms off to eat the end of Duo's braid.)

Time passed, as it always does, and everyone is ready on set. Quatre (due to popular demand for being a snobby little bitch) has had a days worth of pay taken away, but he still has to work (it's in his contract so pleh) and everyone is ready to go on stage... but where's Wu-fei? ...*Devilish Grin*....

W- THERE IS NO WAY I'M COMING OUT DRESSED LIKE THIS!
S- Oh calm down Wu-fei, it's just a costume.
R- And besides, you're in my dressing room. Why are you in there? What is in there that could possibly interest you... oh no... TASH! Get him out!
S- Why?
K- What's in there, eh Ruthy?
R- (goes bright red) Err...
L- snigger
R- This isn't funny! Make him come out!
S- What is in there! You tell me, and I'll make him come out in his underwear if I have to!
D- Oh the mental pictures...
K- Duo!
H- Oh no, now I've got mental images... and I don't even have an imagination!
K- H..., no DUO!
S- Ruth, whisper it to me and I'll get him out.
R- (furiously blushing) Well... (whispers. Tasha's eyes boggle)
S- snigger You are kidding, right?
R- Nope.
S- You keep those in your room!?
R- Well where else would I keep them?
D- Up your ass...
K- DUO! I am loving this yelling...
S- snigger
R- (blushing again) IT ISN'T FUNNY! NOW GET HIM OUT!
S- Ok, Ok, keep your hair on Ruth! Or should I say underwear...
R- SHUT UP!
S- Ok, Ok, ooooo, what if he's going through your drawers and trying on your underwear?
R- (goes white) WU-FEI! (bangs on door) IF YOU TOUCH ONE DAMN THING IN MY ROOM THEN I'LL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU!
W- I'm not touching anything. Why would I want to, it's girly stuff.
S- Remember our little chat this morning Woofy...
W- SHUT UP!
S- Come out then.
W- No way!
S-Come out NOW Wu-fei, before I get angry and make you play your part in your underwear!
W- EEP!
R- She will, you know?
W- What if I come out in your underwear, huh? How about this spangly red number...
R- EEP!!!!
Cast- Hysterics
R- I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING BOYO! YOUR BALLS ARE SO COMING OFF!
W- I didn't touch IT or anything else! It's a bit hard to miss when it's draped over a chair! Hey, what are those holes for...
R- NEVER YOU MIND! Now, please, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
W- No.
R- No?
W- No.
R- No you are coming out or no you're not?
W- No I'm not.
R- Listen u bent little git, you get out of my room in the next 5 seconds or I'm breaking this door down and coming in there to get you!
W- Fine, I'll come out, but everyone has to go into their dressing rooms apart from you and Tasha, OK?
R- Why me?
W- Coz I'm in your dressing room, ditz!
R- glower
S- Just do what he says guys.
Cast- (go into dressing rooms)
S- What now?
W- Lock all the doors from the outside.
R- WHYNESS!?
W- BECAUSE I SAID SO! And, unless you want me to bring out the lovely spangly red number, you'll do what I ask. Leave my door unlocked.
S- Done, now, what else?
W- Tasha, go into your dressing room and lock the door from the inside.
S- Fine, Ruth, you carry out his commands. Wink (pretends to walk away, when she is actually gone to get everyone out of their rooms)
W- Ruth, I want you to open my door wide, k?
R-... dunnit!
W- Now, cover your eyes.
R- Covered.
W- Don't uncover them until I say, k?
R- Sure thing, just get out already!
W- NO PEEPING!
R- Promise. Now, OUT!
W- Fine... (Opens the door and gawks. The entire cast stares gawping at him.)
Cast- hysterics
W- I HATE YOU! (runs off in tears dressed like Faith from Buffy into his dressing room, but because he's crying so much, he runs into the wall and knocks himself out.)
D- snigger Whoops!
S- Wu-fei, are you all right?
Q- He's unconscious! Oh no!
K- He's also dressed like a girl!
Cast (minus Q and S)- hysterics
S- Grrrr... Come on Quatre, let's get him into his dressing room... this has not been a good day.


And after a day of getting absolutely no work done, we must ask these questions:-
What the hell is wrong with the cat?
What are those holes for?
Will anyone ever stop picking on Woofy, whoops, sorry I meant Wu-fei.
Will the cast ever get any work done?
And on Boxing day 2001 will Tasha still have a head?
Find out the answers to most of those questions in the next fabulous episode of...

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!