Cat- WUFEI! GIVE ME THE MICROPHONE! Thank you. Anyway, Kaja fans, after our prolonged absence, the KTVS team are back in business! Maybe today we will gain some of those answers we are dying to know... or possibly not. Anyway, today a new scene is threatened and another attempted. How will our merry bunch of imbeciles handle this one? And I still say I should have my own show. Anyway, enjoy! Baby Nataku, say hello to all the nice viewers...

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
And her slayerettes
And the camera crew
And the stage management team...
AND THE CAT
AND WUFEI!!!
And Baby Nataku

Quick run over of parts...

K- KJ (Buffy)
L- Tammy (Cordelia)
R- Ruth (Syam Bailey in this chapter)
S- Tasha (Willow pre gayness)
D- Duo (Xander)
H- Heero (Angel ps...HAHHAHAH)
T- Trowa (Rilay!)
Q- Quatre (Giles...so so sorry)
B- Ben (Wesley*snivel*)
P- Paul (Spike*mwhahahaha*)
W- Wu-fei (head Camera Person, and Faith snigger (W- INJUSTICE!!))
C- Caz (Head of special effects and treasurer...she bought the damn spinny chairs)
M- Mark (Coffee boy)
I- Christian (Camera assistant)
1)- Kerry (Stage Manager)
2)- Steph (Professional Duo oogler...ehem I mean Wardrobe and Makeup!)
3)- Sara (Lighting and sound director)
and...
Cat- Cat (evil vampire)
BN- Baby Nataku (W-NOT THE NAME!!) (evil voodoo doll)

Now we've spent an entire page of introductions, maybe we should get on with the show. The curtains open on an empty set. Duo is wandering around aimlessly with a packet of Maryland cookies. Ruth it sitting on a prop table hurriedly sewing something strangely Red and spangly and Wu-fei is polishing the camera, again.

2)- (from off set) NEXT!
W- (throws down cloth in fury) Fine! (Storms off set glaring at Duo.)
D- Doo doo doodoo! Doo doo doodoo! Doo da da doo doo doo-doo doo doo dooooooooo! (His mouth is full of biscuits)
R- Duo, shut up! I'm trying to concentrate, OW! (Pricks herself with needle) Damnit!
D- Hey! (Swallows biscuit) Could you like, say that over and over again in a Wu-fei voice?
R- Like this? (play wu-fei DAMNIT! .wav)
D- Yeah!
R- No.
D- OHHHH! PWEEEEEEEEEZE!
R- Oh all right... (play the wuman .wav x3)
S- (enters. Crowd goes wild) Hey, can you guys keep your little sex talk down; I've got a splitting headache.
Crowd- giggles
D- Sure Tasha, but since when did we have a live audience?
S- Since now. They arrived this morning to watch the Frank Skinner show, but they got the wrong set, so they decided to watch our show instead.
D- Bitchin'...
S- (looking at Ruth) Hey Ruthy, whatcha sewing up?
R- (goes the same colour as the spangly red number) Leave me alone! (Runs into dressing room)
S- snigger Ah silly silly Rufus. (Sits down. Duo sits down beside her)
D- Are you ever gonna let her off for the whole Quatre dressing room thing?
Crowd- OOOOOOOOOOO!
S- Come to think of it, No.
D- According to...
D,S- Dunna Dunna Dunna Dunna QUAT-MAN!
D-... she was just helping him tune his violin.
S- Duo.
D- Yes?
S- Could you hear any violin sounds coming from the room?
D- No.
S- Exactly. Tell me what you could hear.
D- A squeaky mattress, two wingless bats playing snooker and a dancing tea set.
S- Right Duo. Now tell me, how many of those little white pills had you taken when you heard that.
D- The same number that I've taken this morning, Tasha. (Looks at Audience)
S- And how many is that Duo? (Looks at audience)
D- 62 (passes out on the floor)
Crowd- (goes wild)
S- (walks off set. Enter Ben, Trowa and Heero from stage door)
T- I honestly didn't know you could consume that much alcohol and stay sober!
H- Yes Trowa, and three centilitres is deadly in most people! (spams himself)
B- Trow-man, you need to lighten up. Hey Hee-man, why didn't I see you drinking last night at the bar?
H- I try not to cloud my mind with such things.
B- Re he hearly? Are you sure you weren't eyeing up the dancer?
H- (goes red) Absolutely positive. (pulls bottle of water from spandex space and begins to drink it.)
B- (aside to Trowa) Hey man, did you spike the drink?
T- Yup, I put the whole thing in, just like you said.
B- No dummy! I said half, not the entire thing! God he's gonna be pissed until the cows come home!
P- HEY EVERYBODY! (Crowd goes insane as Paul enters from stage door. Throws arm round Ben's shoulders) How are my main men this morning?
T- Surprisingly without a hangover, thank you. (Ben spams himself)
P- Riiiiiiight. (sidles away from Trowa) Anyway, has any one seen the laydays this morning, I'm feeling like some fuuuuun.
B- Oh god, Paul's been watching Mark's Barry White vid again!
P- No, Prince.
B- .........
H- splutter god, maybe I should change my shorts, this water is gross. ARGH! MY THROAT! (throws bottle on the floor and runs off set into dressing room breathing fire. Trowa picks up bottle)
T- Looks like he downed it.
B- Looks like we're screwed.
P- Oh Poobo.
B- Poobo?
P- Never mind. Looooong story.
B- I like long stories.
P- This is an unexplainable long story which I dunno.
B- Oh... then why did you say it was a long story if you didn't know how it happened?
T- QUIT IT QUIT IT QUIT IT!
L- Oh the Dejavou! (Crowd goes wild)
P,B- HIYAR TAMINATOR!
L- ARGH!!!!!!!!! Attacks Ben and Paul with a chain saw and chases them off set. (Trowa walks over to stoned Duo and begin tapping him with his foot. Enter Caz, Mark, Chris and the Cat (and of course BN) with hot chocolate (and hot cat food...))
C- DUO! (shrieks and runs over, knocking Trowa flying)
Cat- Well that was predictable...
BN- Beefcake...
M- Man, it's not fair, why is everyone in love with the 2d's man?
I- I dunno, man, but like, man, if we ironed ourselves, man, maybe they'd like us too, man!
M- Sweet Man! I've got an iron, man, in my room, man.
I- Man, lets do, man, it, man!
M- Man!
I- Man Man! (M&I exit into M's dressing room. Sizzling and burning is heard.)
Cat- (raises eyebrow) Riiiiiiiight. Come on Baby N, we've gotta change your diaper and put you to bed before Tasha gets here. (Drags doll off by its hair.)
BN- Eyebrows... (Enter KJ, Quatre and Kerry. Sara enters from other side of set to woops and cheers from crowd. Sara starts making out with her nick carter doll)
K- SCREWY!
Q- Hey, Duo's dead. Can I have Deathscythe?
1)- Riiiight. Dude, you are clear on the fact that that is a DOLL right?
3)- How dare you insult my little Nicky Nocky Noodles! Of course he's real.
Q- Gimme... Deathscythe!
K- That's more f'd up than Tasha's Chem. folder... shudder
Q- Quiero MuerteGuadaƱa!
K- Tienes ArenaRoca! Silencio Por favor!
Q- Quiero MerteGuadaƱa!
K- SILENCIO!
Q- VETE A LA MIERD...
T- Me duele la Cabeza! SILENCIO!
K,Q- fall silent
T- Sentaous.
K,Q- sit
T- Bueno. (Leaves set again)
K,Q- glare (Enter Ruth from dressing room, dressed in Heero clothes.)
R- How do I look? I thought I'd freak Heero out.
Q- eyes boggle
D- has fit and yells bollocks
K- Ruthy... all I can say is... damn.
R- pouts You don't like it...
K- Of course I damn well don't! You look like spandex boy with tits!
Q- hysterics
K- What's so damn funny?
Q- I have a mental image of Heero waking up with tits! (Falls silent. Collapses on floor in hysterics again.)
R- What's so funny now, Quat?
Q- I... have... mental... images... of...
K- Of what, Quat-man?
Q- Of...
R- Spit it out...
Q- breathe WU-MAN WAKING UP WITH TITS!
Cast- (falls silent. Hysterics)
W- WILL MY TORMENT NEVER END!!!???
Crowd- hysterics
W- grrr... (storms into dressing room dressed like faith minus the tits (he has to fix his bra and socks later...))

Later...

S- Ok everyone, you've all read scene b2178256372638467203847654058348238748738393849384584848 I take it?
Cast- eyes boggle
Cat- Can't you give it a shorter name. I've decided to take lessons from Milo and Mr Fish and become a goldfish. I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span.....................
BN- Underpants...
Quatre- sidles away
S- Anyway, I want everyone ready as soon as poss. I know some of us are already ready, (looks at Wu-fei who is reapplying plum lip stick in a handbag mirror) so the rest of you get moving!
Cast- (scurries away)
S- (looks around, sneaks over to wu-fei) May I just say that you look so great in that.
W- glare You know I'm only doing this for one reason, right?
S- Damn, I told Ruthy that I didn't need her help to get you to behave, but would she listen? No!
W- (flushes pink) Damnit! I am not sleeping with your friend! I am only doing this for the money. Sleeping with people is weak.
Q- No its not.
W- How the heck would you know? Your dick's still got the shrink wrap on!
Q- How the heck would you know?
W- flush Just go will you? Anyway, I need that money for some new polishing equipment. Someone put a huge great hole through my polishing cloth and tipped all my polish away!
Q- Well considering you spend all your time polishing Nataku or Nataku or... Nataku... or Nataku... or... I'm beginning to see a pattern in your pet names. Anyway, you spend all your time polishing stuff, no wonder your stuff runs out and your, ehem, 'Luxury Polishing Cloth; For those special items' got worn out!
W- Shut up, Winner.
Q- I'm still wondering why the sell polishing equipment in that Porn shop down the street...
W- ?!?!?!
S- snigger
W- Shut up Winner, or I'll kick you out!
Q- Oh really, Waffles, I think you're forgetting something.
W- What?
Q- I pay the rent.
W- Oh yeah... well, I'll steal your wallet and kick you out so pleh! I'm not thick you know!
Q- rolls eyes
S- You two live together? (dodgy looks)
W- You live with the damn cat! That doesn't make you a lesbo!
Q- Or an Animal shagger...
W- Besides, you've seen where we live, remember?
S- Oh yeah! I remember. Damn, I thought that was one of your bachelor pads.
W- We are 16 years old and sinless! We don't need shoddy little bachelor pads!
Q- Sinless... yeah right...
W- Well of course you are, Gabriel.
Q- It's Quatre! And why's that?
W- Whatever Gabriel, and as I said before, shrink-wrap?
Q- Loser... (wanders off)
S- (raises eyebrow) Marital Issues, Wuffy?
W- Don't call me that in public! And no, I'm not married to him, divvy!
S- It was a joke, you freak! Geez... (walks off into dressing room to get ready.)
W- shrug

Scene 1-

W- if you dare break Nataku, I'll kill you with my bare hands!
M- I'd like to see you try, Wu-man, I mean, WO-man! Ha!
W- Why you... (dives at Mark)
C- (holding Wu-fei back) Now now gentlemen, lets be civil, please!
S- Can we have Duo, Wuffles, Quat, KJ, Tammy, Ben and, erm, well me, on stage please?
D- Do we really have to get to work, Tasha? I mean, we are already on the 7th page!
S- So we'll overrun! Does it really look like I care?
L- Aiyee! (Topples over in platform shoes).
W- (Glares up at Mark, straightens skirt and clacks off onto stage)
S- We all here then? Good. Duo, sit there, feet up on desk. Tam, stand beside. Duo, arm round Tam please.
L- Oh no way! (Goes a very strange shade of green and backs away)
H- hey! That's the colour my hair is in Manga! Hic hehehehehee! (Staggers onto stage and knocks over the camera. It breaks.)
W- ARGH!!!!!!!!! (Bursts into tears and sinks to floor)
H- Whoopsie... oh well! (Begins pirouetting across... snigger... across... snigger...ac...ac hahahahahaha! (Sorry, but you try imagining Heero drunk and pirouetting!))
Crowd- hysterics
S- Come on Wu-man, your mascara will run... (Tries to help him up)
W- No... it won't... snuffle... I used the waterproof one.... Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
D- Oh Wu, grow up...
W- glare how would you feel if your one love in this miserable life had been dashed and destroyed before you? Oh, rip out my eyes!
D- Ok...
S- No! Look, Wu-fei, we'll get you a new camera, k babe?
W- It just won't be the same...
D- (aside to Q) Why is he getting so worked up over a camera, an inanimate object? I wish I could understand...
Q- (devilish grin) I can help you out with that one...
D- Really?
Q- Yeah. When we go out to go home this evening, I'll key Deathscythe for you.
D- (drops to knees and tugs on Quatre's trousers) Please, I'm begging you, anything but that!
Q- Or I'll spray paint an angel on it...
D- I'm begging! Please no!
Q- Or maybe I'll just paint one of Dorothy's ever so unique eyebrows on it, right above the eye...
D- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs off set, or at least goes to)
S- NO BODY MOVE OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU ALL!
R- Erm, Tasha...
S- glare AND IF YOU'RE A GIRL, I'LL ADD AN APPENDAGE!
All- (freeze up)
S- Thank you. Now, Wu, I'll get someone to fix Nataku. Quatre, keys, now. Heero, get off my set!
H- Foine, ya big meany! (Storms off out of the entrance)
D- NOOOOOOO! HE'LL KEY DEATHSCYTHE!
S- spams self Heero, go in dressing room and iron yourself.
H- IRON!!!!!!!!!!! (runs back into dressing room)
S- Now. I'm gonna organise my scene and get it filmed and then I want a full explaination. And if I don't get one, no one goes home, no one sleeps and NOONE gets paid! Got it?
All- Groan
Crowd- OOOOO!
S- Oh go shag the refreshments counter guy! (Crowd look at each other, and swiftly leave)
D- That is not gonna feel pleasant in the morning...
S- Can we just get on with this? Growl
D- gulp of course we can, you highnessness!
S- Right. Duo, Tam, in places please.
D,L- (pout, then resume places)
L- Right, just don't touch me, K?
D- Then how the heck am I supposed to put my arm around you and not touch you?
L- Well, pull your sleeve down then!
D- I'm wearing a vest! You pull your top down!
L- I can't! Look at top, too short! ... on second thoughts, avert your eyes!
D- blush Averting!
S- rolls eyes Next, Ben and Quatre
B,Q- reporting for duty! (look at each other) giggle
S- spam!!! You two go up and fiddle with bookcases.
B- Rightyo! (runs off and immerses himself in the a1 tour book)
Q- (goes to run off) hey, my jacket feels funny... (turns around and gawks at huge iron shaped burn hole)
K- HAHAHHAHAH ARGH! (falls off stage in hysterics)
S- SPAM!! (through gritted teeth) Next... I want KJ... glare and Wu-fei leaning on the right hand stairs.
K- Just... coming...
W- *sniff* Oh acting a female part withers me no longer. Disgrace to the glorious Dragon Clan is of the essence, but it does not matter, for the great Nataku has fallen... sigh
Q- Hey, Wu, if you remember, Nataku is still in the parking lot, standing right on Deathscythe's foot!
D- ARGH! The paint work!
W- Teehee oh yeah. Happy now. No, not happy! Playing woman! Must pout and be difficult... (pouts and is difficult)
S- Lean against the damn banisters!
W- Fine! But I sure as hell want a bonus.
D- I'm the one who needs a bonus! All this undue stress is making my hair fall out!
Crowd- snigger
Q- Hey, when did they get back?
S- I guess it got crowded at the refreshments stand. Oh well. Now, me... where do I place me? I know, reading book at desk... book on... vampires! Oh I am so good!
Cast/Crowd- sweatdrop
M- Ok, I've got the handheld camera. Ok, erm... (looks at fingers) Five... four... th th threeeee, t t twooo, one! Ok, marker!
D- Hey scoobsters, we got anything yet?
Q- Ehem, nothing as of yet Xander, but we have only been looking for five minutes.
B- Six actually.
Q- Oh do shut up!
K- Wow, watcher bitching. Now that's scary.
L- Like, erm, where's my nail file?
W- thinking Now this is my big line, don't screw it up! I borrowed it. Hope ya don't mind, Cord.
L- Like, you could have asked, damn!
W- And have to listen to the 16 reasons of no again, yeah right!
Cast- gawp at Wu-fei
S- whisper keep it going! Grrr
L- Look, I don't need this. Xander baby, see you later, k?
D- Sure.
L- (looks disgusted, pauses, pats Duo on the head and walks off set)
D- shrug (walks to base of stairs)
K- You found anything yet?
S- Um, no, but I can keep looking, if ya like?
K- Thanx Will. Hey Wesley, did you find anything yet?
B- Well, not really (Ben walks to top of stairs) I did find the most interesting little fact on... wragh! (Slips and topples down the stairs)
S- BEN! Gasp
K- snigger
S- (slaps KJ) Ben, are you OK?
B- Yeah, I'm OK, Duo broke my fall. (Gets up off squishded Duo)
D- Aiyyyyyeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeee... (Blacks out again)
Q- Owtsies, Poor Duo-Chan!
S- Can we cut please?

Oh dear folks, we've run over again! Well, to round off another damn well extended episode of KTVS, we have a few questions.
WHAT THE HECK WERE QUATRE AND RUTH DOING! *pant* *pant*
What are in those little white pills and can I have some?
Will Heero ever sober up and do we really want him to?
Why couldn't the audience find the Frank Skinner show? There IS a big sign on the great big gold door ya know!
How is the refreshment guy's counselling going?
Why do we have to put up with such useless characters on this set as Baby Nataku (BN- UNDERPANTS!) and Sara?
Is Tasha ever gonna sum this up and actually make something of this?
Are the team ever gonna get it right?
AAAAAAND
What the heck is up with the red spangly number!
Maybe some, maybe all the answers to the previous questions will be answered or hinted at in the next fabulous episode of...
KAJA THE VUMPIRE SLAYER!
Brought to you today by- Kendra