N- I thought for once I'd start this off. So here is it. WELCOME TO MY SICK SCREWED UP LITTLE WORLD OF KTVS! I really hop you enjoy the show. I'm sorry for the delay in writing, but I have been busy with DT coursework among things this term. Anyway, as I'm feeling festive, and the Christmas season is dawning upon us, KTVS has gone all Christmassy, and I now formally welcome you to...
THE KTVS CHRISTMAS CAROL!
Please take your seats, pick up your refreshments and enjoy the show! Please note I only own my GDW 'Battlefield of pacifists' manga and my a1 posters. BTW if ne1 know in which sequence in which the series, Blind target, BFOP and EW go, please email me or write it in a review. Many thanx. ENJOY!

This fic is dedicated to Rosie, who has been quite ill recently. Get well soon, my little kitten.

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER GOES FESTIVE!
Including:
THE G-BOYS!
A1!
A2!
B2!
Stephy!
Aaaaaand
BABY NATAKU!

And Special Guest Appearances from-
The audience!
Elijah Wood!

(Enter cast from dressing rooms. Crowd goes wild. Several return from refreshments counter. The show begins...)
R- (with sore throat) God it's been aaaaaaaaages!
K- Yeah MAN! I was starting to miss the MEN MAN!
M- Oh shut it dude, that ain't funni no more!
T- (finishes hugging everyone) Aw betes and betis I missed Ya!
All- WE MISSED YOU TOOOOOOOO! *group hug*
D- (Still on crutches) Hey, where's Tasha?
K- DDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAMT!
N- you rang?
K- *snigger* Yes, I did. Hewwo!
N- HIYAR! Hey everybody!
All- Hi Mrs Paycheck! (Thrust out hands)
N- Er... like... no!
All- *groan*
Q- So what fun thing are we doing today?
R- We're not watching that perverse thing Mr Lewis made us watch in English are we?
N,R,1)- EWWWWWWWWWW!
1)- We're not acting it out, are we?
N,R,1)- EWWWWWWWWWWW! (look around at guys for a second, look at one another) EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
N- NO WE ARE NOT! We are doing something festive!
All- *groan*
K- Bah! Humbug!
N- Exactly!
K- Huh?
N- But first, I need to give out prezzies!
All- YAY! (Everyone sits in a circle)
N- Ok, first, here's a great big bazooka for Heero...
H- ^_^ Thank you!
N- Aaaand a years supply of herbal essences for Duo... (Crane dumps cartload of HE on Duo)
D- ARGH!(muffled) Thank you...
N- And a new Violin for Quatty...
Q- OOOOOOOOOOOO! THHHHHHAAAAAAAAANKYOOOOOOOOOU!
N- And some face paints for Trowa...
T- *sweat drop* Erm... Yeah...
N- And a new polishing set for Wu-Wu...
W- YAY! *Starts polishing hair*
N- And a new Shakin' Stevens alb for Pauly...
P- Oh damn...
N- And a mini cruise ship for Mark...
M- YAY! One time, on a cruise ship...
N- And a new guitar for Cwissy...
C- *Norwegian gibberish*
N- And, ehem, summat special for Ben... (passes him a bag. Ben opens in sneakily and blushes)
B- So what time we meetin' up to try this baby out?
All- *puke*
N- How about seven? Anyway, I gave you lot Prezzies!
All- THANKYOU!
N- Your welcome! (looks around and sighs) Well I guess it's back to work...
R- WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA! (all turn and look)
K- What idea would that be, Ruthy?
R- How about we do anything Tasha says as her Chrimbo gift considering she hasn't got anything?
All- YAY!
N- You really mean it?
L- Yuhuh! Come on, what dya want us to do?
N- Hmm...

Three minutes later...
N- Hmm... no... ah but... hmmm...
B- I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE! *starts throttling Ruth*
E- Hey, chill with the still (throws Ben a bottle of Oasis. Grins)
L- *Gasp!* Elijah Wood!?
K- Oh for heck's sake I have enough of you at home!
R- So what are you doing here, Hobbit boy? Come to show us yer hairy feet?
L- EW!
E- *glare* NO! Somebody called and said there was an opening on Fridays for Refreshments guy.
K- *hysterics*
D- That's the nigh the audience get... *gulp*
R- FRISKAY!
E- What?
Crowd- (start humming) Om... (Suddenly leap forward, hands like claws and drag Elijah from the stage. The sound of girly screams and clothes ripping can be heard from beneath the mass of seething old people.)
All- O_O
D- Oh well... (hobbles over and takes an Oasis) at least we get free drinks!
E- *muffled* That's a quid a bottle ARGH! Watch where you're putting your slipper!
K- *shudder*
N- YAY! I've got it!
D- What, a migrane, coz I sure have!
K- DUO!
R- uh!
A2- *HYSTERICS*
Q- What's so funny?
A2- *look at Q* HAHHAHAH!
Q- *pout* I don't geddit...
N- AW BABY! *hugs Q gently*
Q- This is nice, and not painful!
H- Freaky...
R- Good lord it speaks!
L- And it's sober?
B- Oh dear...
H- WRARGH! *chases Ben with gun*
N- We are going to do the CHRISTMAS CAROL by Charles Dickens!
Q- What the Dickens is that all about?
D- *sweatdrop*
R- That was THE most pathetic pun I have very heard.
N- Well I thought it was sweeeeeet! *Sidles towards Quatre*
Q- Be gone, woman!
M- Dude, like, how are we gonna stage that, man?
K- Like MAN, I like, MAN, dunno, MAN!
M- Quiiiiiiiit it!
N- Well, I have to find a copy of the book first.
R- OMG you are not trying to tell me you don't know the chimbo carol, are you?
N- No, I know it, but after the complaints I've had for not getting scenes in KTVS right, I must be sure.
W- We are doing an edited version, aren't we?
N- Well duh! You really think I can be arsed to do the entire thing?
W-...
D- HAHA Wu-mans gone all quuuuiiiiiiiiiiet!
W- *glare*
D- Oh and the silence continues!
H- Shut up Duo (re-enters, dragging B about by his hair)
N- SILENCE! I want to cast my people!
All- *silence*
E- ARGH!
Crowd- SHHHHHHH!
N- Ok... This is who everyone is...
Heero- Ghost of Christmas Future
Duo- Scrooge
Trowa- Bob Cratchit,
Quatre- Narrator (Chorus 1-5)
Wu-fei- Ghost of Christmas present
Ben- Tiny Tim, Dick
Chris- Ignorance, Peter Cratchit
Mark- Fred, Boy
Paul- Marley's Ghost, Fezziwig
Tasha- Flame, Belle
KJ- Little Fan, Belinda Cratchit
Tammy- Mrs Cratchit, Fred's Wife
Caz- Ghost of Christmas Past
Ruth- Want, Waiter, Martha
Kerry- Solicitor 2, Girl
Steph- Mrs Fezziwig
Cat- Youngest Scrooge,
Sara- Solicitor 1
Elijah- Young Scrooge, Schoolmaster

*A WHILE LATER...............*

Q- Ehem, are we ready?
N- I think so. Who's in the opening scene?
Q- Erm... (scans text) Well, me ^_^, erm, Bob Cratchit and Scrooge start on stage. Then we'll need Fred, the solicitors, the waiter...
R- That's meee!
Q- The flame and Marley.
N- Ok, PLACES PEOPLE! We have a show to do!
(Duo hands Ben his crutches and hobbles to centre stage. Crowd cheers. Trowa drags Duo off to stage left and Quatre stands, dressed in Tux, center stage. The crowd goes crazy.)
Crazy old Hag- MAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRYYY! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Q- *blush* Ermm... Tasha!
N- LAAAAAAAAAAYDEEEEEEEEES AND GEEEEEEENNNNNTTTTTTIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMEEEEEEN! Welcome today to the fantastic world of, heh, me, and we hope you enjoy the show. Now, may I present, A KTVS CAROL!

Q- Once upon a time- of all the good days in the year, on Christmas Eve- it was cold, bleak, biting weather: Foggy withal. The people went wheezing up and down, beating their hands upon their breasts...
D- Heehee, breasts!
Q- *glare* and stamping their feet upon the pavement stones to warm them. (cast start walking around dressed in coats, stamping feet and punching selves in chest)
K- Argh! I squished me wotzits!
H- *stamp stamp* *beat* ARGH! (knocks himself over with force of blow)
Q- *sweatdrop* Anyway, the Door of Scrooge's counting house was open... (enter Duo and Trowa, walking across the stage towards the door. Tammy, Ruth and KJ stand by a cardboard cutout door and start singing)
K,L,R- We had joy, we had fun, flicking bogies at the sun, but the sun got too hot, and the bogies turned to snot!
K- Nah, we can't sing that, it's Christmas!
R- Fine! Ohhhhhhhhhh Sir Jasper, do not touuuuuuch meeeeee!
L- NO!
R- You're so pissy!
L- What shall we sing then?
K- TAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKE OOOOOOOON MEEEEEEEEEEE!
R- I got one, Christmas time, Mistletoe and Wine...
K,L- Awww!
K- That's better!
R- Children singing out of time, the dogs on the fire, the cats up the tree...
K- RUTHY!
R- Sorry... HEY! (Trowa and Duo walk up) GIMME MONEY!
T- K ///_^ (puts some money on the red spangly number)
N- CUT! What the heck is that?
R- Well, *blush*, as it has so many holes in it, I decided to sew it all up and make summat new. So I made an ickle bag!
N-......... Carry on.
R- Thanks Trowa-chan...
T- ///_^ (walks in)
D- (goes to walk past)
R- OI! GIMME MONEY!
D- No.
R- GIIIMMMMMEEEEEEE MONEEEEEEEEY!
D- No!
K- Why the heck not?
D- Coz I'm Scrooge... mwhahhahaha!
L- But its mean!
D- *sweatdrop* That's the whole point Tammy, Scrooge is mean...
L- Oh yeah! OK! ^_^
D-............
K- Pweeze Mister Scroogey man, I mean, I'm not like Ruthy, I won't give you sexual favours in return for money (Ruth slaps KJ) ow! But, if you must find a reason for giving me money, I have one...
D- And what exactly is that?
K- THINK OF MY CHILDREN!
D- You don't have any children!
K-... someday I might...
L- Oh the dejavou!
D- Laydees, screw off. (Duo walks in and slams door. People dressed in black come on and change set.)
Q- The door of Scrooge's counting house was open...
I- YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!
Q- QUIET! The door of Scrooge's counting house was open...
M- DUUUUUUUUUUUDE! That's like three times now!
Q- SHUT UP! The... door... of... Scrooge's... COUNTING HOUSE... was open so that he might keep his eye upon his clerk...
D- I got my eye on you, boyo... MWHAHAH!
T- *sweatdrop*
Q- Who in a dismal cell beyond, a sort of tank, was copying letters.
D- Preach it, boy!
Q- *snigger* Scrooge had a very small fire...
N- *curls up in a ball* lookie! I'm a very small fire!
D- See? It's small!
Q- But the Clerk's fire was so very much smaller that it looked like one coal...
T- But I can't replenish it.
D- COZ I HAVE THE COAL BUCKET IN MY ROOM! HAHAHHA! MINEEEEEEE!
T- So I will just have to keep warm by this candle... and a scarf...
R- *dressed as Scarf* bet you weren't expecting that, eh? Wheredya want me?
T- Erm... the usual Scarf place, thanks...
R- Boring old man! *wraps arms around Trowa's neck*
Q- OH! But he was a tight fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge. A Squeezing
R- Wrenching
T- Grasping
N- Scraping
Q- Clutching, Covetous old Sinner! Hard and Sharp as Flint,
R- Secret and self contained
T- And solitary as
N- an OYSTER! Or possibly Heero?
H- F you.
M- DUDE! Scroogey Uncle Dude! Like, Merry Festive dude!
D- It's Merry Christmas you plank!
M- K... Merry Festive Christmas dude Uncle Scroogeyo! And like, God save your ass!
Q- it was Scrooge's nephew, Fred.
D-......Bah! Humbeg!
N- ITS HUMBUG!
D- BAH! HUMBUG! Dat better?
N- Yeppy! ^_^
M- like, since when is Chritmas a stripy sweet, dude?
D- Not that sort of humbug you arse!
M- oh, right, I getit now. But dude! Like, Christmas is sooooo cooooL! Why are you being such a tight arsed prat?
D- *looks shocked* WHY HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT MY ARSE?
M- I haven't! It was in the script!
N- No it wasn't. Get on with it!
D- Chrimbo is a big pile of Shit! Why are you all happy? Huh? We're at war! If I was Tony Blair, I'd ban Christmas. Waste of valuable money that could be spent on big guns!
M- like, Ben has loadsa big guns in his trouser pockets!
B- SHUT UP!
M- Like, why shouldn't I be happy? Huh? It's not illegal, is it?
D- Not yet... but I have my plans... MWHAHAH!
M- Oh don't be such a loser! You've got loadsa money, you should be happy! Quatre's a rich arse dude and he's happy!
Q- *nod*
D- Bah! Humbug! He's always happy!
M- Like, take a chill pill, dude!
B- Why should I? I don't have to! What is Christmas except a day? Another day where drugs are illegal, just to spite me, and My Deathscythe baby is still clamped coz I can't be arsed to go all the way across the road and pay the fine! All ya do at Christmas is find yerself a year older, with less money and more wrinkles! If I had my way, every person who goes around all merry singing Christmas songs and saying, "oh happy Christmas Mister Scroogeywoogie!" or something to that effect should eat scythe! YEAH!
N- D babe, that isn't the line...
D- oh, and they should be boiled in their own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through their heart blah blah blah BORING!
M- DUDE! LIGHTEN UP, MAN!
D- Look, ok, let me celebrate Chrimbo in my own style, k?
M- But, dude, it's dull! And, like, you don't celebrate at all!
D- Leave me be!
M- Like, Christmas is so important, like, it's the only time when scroogey peeps like yerself open up and be happy, and give and stuff. Like, we all celebrate dude! And its fun! And we all get pissed! And LAID! Even though we have no money at the end of Christmas, at least we know we had, like, fun. So it's good, and like, cool!
T- Amen! Yeah! Oh god I'm talking... (hides under desk)
D- Cratchit, if you so much as utter another sound I swear I'll shag your wife, and give her your job instead!
L- ARGH!
D- As for you, Uggy boy, go off and watch the queens speech or summat.
M- Oh don't be such a LOOOOOSER! Come over tomoz and like, eat stuff with us! You can get pissed if you like!
D- I'll fucking kill myself, or possibly you, before I do that!
M- like, why?
D- Why did you get married to that whore?
M- Coz, like, she is sooooo good at like, you know... stuff...
D- Dya love her then?
M- Erm... yeah, I spose.
D- love, hah! Fuck off.
M- like, you hated me before I married her, and you hate me now. You can't give that as a reason for not coming, dude!
D- Fuck off!
M- Like, your depressing me man, and like, you are so like, retarded! Like, better days, dude.
D- For Fuck's Fucking sake, Fuck the hell off!
M- Fucking off, Fucking off! (exits)
D- Hey, Cratchit.
T- Yup?
D- Theres another fucker with £400 a week, a wife, family, and he's fucking talking about merry Christmases too! You're all mad!
T- Scrooge, I'm on minimum wage, I only get £70 a week.
D- Shut up. (enter Solicitors 1and 2)
3) Hey Scrooge! We're collecting for the poor!
D- Oh are you indeed?
1) Yeah. We want to give people stuff so that can have a good Christmas.
3) Yeah, and like, houses and stuff for the homeless.
D- I see... Tell me, are the shelters open still?
3) (looks at Kerry) Erm, yeah.
D- And what about benefits, are people getting benefits?
1) Yep.
D- Then I am already paying quite enough tax to suffice for my contribution.
3) Right... so how much shall I put you down for?
D- Nothing.
1) No, seriously.
D- I'm deadly serious. No get lost before I go get my scythe!
1),3) EEP! (leave. Ben Runs to the door)
B- We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New ARGH! (Duo beats him round the head with a ruler)
D- FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFF! (Ben does so)
T- Scrooge, it's time to lock up.
D- Fine! And I bet I can guess what's coming next. Oh pweeze Mister Scroogey, can I have the day off tomorrow?
T- That about covers it.
D- And I suppose you will want the whole day, won't you?
T- Yes, if that's alright.
D- ALRIGHT? Of course it's not alright! It's not fair or just either! I have to pay you a whole tenner for no work! Ridiculous! And then you get a day behind too! Christmas! Hah! A very poor excuse for picking at my empty to pocket, you worthless bum! But because you are such a sentimental fool, I suppose you must have it. You better work double hard on the twenty sixth!
T- Of course sir.
D- grr... (leaves)
T- (locks up and follows)
Q- In honour of it being Christmas Eve, the clerk got behind a line of children, and went down a slide twenty times, and then ran home as hard as he could pelt to play at Blind man's buff.
T- (runs off stage)
Q- Scrooge took a melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern.
R- whadaya want luv?
D- Something edible...
R- Carboard bonanza again sir?
D- It'll do. It's better than the Tin Can pie...
Q- he beguiled the rest of the evening with his bankbook and went home to bed.
D- (walks out of pub set up. Pub set is taken off. Enter street and Scrooge's home set.)
Q- he lived in a house which had once belonged to his deceased partner. It was dreary enough, for nobody lived in it but Scrooge, the other rooms all being let out as offices. The yard was so dark that even Scrooge had to grope with his hands. Now it is a fact, that there was nothing at all particular about the knocker on the door, except that it was very large. And let anyone explain to me how it happened that Scrooge saw in the knocker, not a knocker, by Marley's face.
D- *looks up* HOLY SHIT!
P- Hello...
D- What the hell?
P- ...hello.
Q- Marley's face...
P- That's me, Marley!
Q- It had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar. It was not angry or ferocious...
P- But looked at Scrooge with ghostly spectacles turned up upon it's ghostly forehead.
D- Huh? (Paul vanishes) It was a knocker again. PHEW!
Q- To say that he was not startled would be untrue.
D- I'm not startled! Tell 'em I'm not startled! (wanders around inside the house. Walks into Scrooge room set up.) There's someone here. Someone spying. NO I WILL NOT CAMEO IN YOUR BLOODY PRON FILM! GO AWAY!
Q- No body under the table, no body under the sofa, nobody under the bed, nobody in the closet. He double locked himself in.
D- (follows the instructions) Bah! Humbug! Perverted little porn freak musta escaped. No matter, (locks door) he shan't get in now. HAH!
Q- There was a clanking noise deep down below, as if someone were dragging a heavy chain in the wine merchant's cellar.
D- What the heck?
P- Whoooooooooo!
D- HUMBUG! It isn't real! It's all humbug!
Q- it came through the heavy door, and passed into the room before his eyes. The dying flame...
P- look, I know I'm supposed to be a ghost, but I'm not really. I can't walk through doors.
N- Try now.
P- YAY! (walks through door)
N- the influence of Muse magic... GET ON WITH IT!
Q- The Dying flame leaped up as though it cried:
N- I KNOW WHO THAT IS! IT'S MARLEY'S GHOST! ARGH! SCARYNESS!
D- What the hell do you want! I am not starring in...
P- I want much of you, Scrooge...
Q- Marley's voice, no doubt about it.
D- Who are you? I AM NOT STARRING IN...
P- SHUT UP! But now I am nothing. Ask me who I was.
D- Fine! Who were you then?
P- In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley.
D- Hold on a second, I though Scrooge was straight, coz I ain't playing no Homo!
N- He is straight!
Q- He means partner at work, Duo. Get on with it!
D- Fine. Can you sit down? Coz you if you can, you can, if you want to.
P- I can.
D- Well sit then!
P- You don't... hold on. I'm not saying this.
N- Why not?
P- I sound like Fricking Peter Pan!
N- Shut up and get on with it!
P- You don't believe in me, do you?
D- Nope.
P- Why don't you believe in me? Do you doubt your senses? If so, why?
D- Little things affect the senses, bad food, lots of smells, bright colours, naked ladies...
P- Duo!
K- Uh!
N- SHUT UP!
D- You don't look ghostly enough. So BAH! HUMBUG! Is all I feel like saying to you, ya big phoney!
Q- the spirit raised a fearful cry...
P- OW!
D- NO! Not the MJ!
2) MJ!MJ!
Q- Scrooge watched in horror as the Ghost took the kerchief from it's head, and as it's jaw dropped to it's breast.
P- *starts singing earth song*
D- *falls to knees* Oh have Mercy! Why are you being so mean?
P- Do you believe in me or not?
D- For god's sakes, you're screaming earth song and flinging your jaw about and you think it's a good time for questions! I'm fricking scared!
P- Answer the question.
D- Of course I do! Geez! But why are you walking about down, or up here as the case may be, and why are you bothering me?
P- Each person has a spirit...
D- Marley, I'm catholic, I know this already.
P- SHUT UP! Anyway, each man whose spirit does not go forth during our short and pointless lives is condemned to walk amongst the living after death. I am doomed to wander the world forever. Oh damn it! Why didn't I buy my mates and me those tickets to erotica? (starts singing again and shakes chains)
D- Why have you got chains on, AND WILL YOU STOP THE SINGING?
P- I wear these chains that I forged in my life.
D- Really? I didn't know you were a blacksmith!
P- Silence! This chain is my chain of self-defiance. This is a chain, the chain I used to oppress goodwill and bring others down with a vicious swipe. Does this sound familiar to you?
D- Tell me more, Marley, please. Jacob, I need comfort. You're scaring me! *tears*
P- I have no comfort to give, my friend.
D- But why are you in chains? You were such a good businessman!
P- So what? There is more to life than money, wealth, a good job! I never celebrated this blessed time, and now I am turned away from heaven!
D- You should have gone to church then ^_^
P- In this, neither do you.
D- *gasp* !!! 0_o
P- I have little time left, but you have a chance to escape my fate.
D- Really? Cool!
P- You will be haunted by three spirits.
D- Oh thanks a bunch, your such a great friend *sweatdrop*
P- Silence!
D- I'm being silent! Listen, I'm not even talking!
P- *sweatdrop*
D- Is that the only way I'm gonna get another chance?
P- yep.
D- Damn.
P- Oh cheer up! Three spirits are gonna come along, say hi, do a bit of talking, say bye, and it'll all be over by tomorrow morning! It's not that bad!
D- I need my beauty sleep! I'll get split ends... *sniff*
P- *groan* The first'll be here at 1am sharp, the second at 2 and the third at 3. Don't be late. They can get kinda antsy if you're late. (does up kerchief, exits through window. Cue wails)
Q- Scrooge had been quite familiar with one old Ghost, with a monstrous iron safe attached to his ankle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant. He had lost the power of good forever. (Duo lies down on Bed. Spotlights fall on Q and D. Blackout otherwise) And being worn out from the emotions, Scrooge fell asleep in an instant.

EXIT ALL. BLACKOUT