N- Ok, I would like to apologise in advance and ask for no flames. The next chapter of KTVS Carol is coming chrimbo 2002. If I get any flames it won't come at all! And if KeeMew2 (my adoring fan^_^) keeps reviewing, and gets other people to review, and my mates keep reviewing, I may write 2 chapters! Anyway, I would also like to apologise for the lack of ordinary chapters. This is an ordinary chapter. I do not own Gdw, a1 or Elijah Wood (damnit!). I only own my tolkein books, magazine interviews, posters and THREE gundam wing mangas (thankyou santa ^_^). Enjoy...

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!
Featuring...
A1!
The G-boys!
A2!
B2!
Elijah Wood!
The cat!
Aaaaand Baby Nataku!

And, just for Rufus, special guest star...
ORLANDO BLOOM!...
not... HAHAHAH! Sucks 2 be you Ruth! Mwhahahaha ^_^

We enter the set today on a quiet scene, and a Friday. Elijah is picking up litter (good Elwood!) in the seating and Duo is cart wheeling across the stage...

D- WHAHOOOOOOOOOOO! That four-week break over Xmas has completely fixed my back... and leg! YAY! Screw you Benbo!
E- Err... I'm not Benbo..
D- (sweatdrop) Well can you at least pretend to be Ben for my amusement?
E- Who's Ben?
D- (SWEATDROP!) I forgot, you've been in hobbitville for 2 years...
E- Hobbiton!
D- Living in Bagbog...
E- BAGEND!
D- And smoking weed...
E- Yep...
D- And doing crap dancing...
E- Yuhuh...
D- And getting stabbed quite a bit...
E- That too...
D- And faking Orgies...
E- Yea... HEY!
D- (snigger) sucker...
N- HEY EVERYBODY............ heeeeeeeeey! Wheres the audience?
D- They found the Frank Skinner show.
E- THANK GOD! I mean... oh poor you...
N- ELIJAH WOOD! Why are you here? SAVE YOURSELF!
E- I have a job to do. It doesn't pay well, and it wrecks my fingernails, but someone's gotta do it...
D- Come one Lij, we saw your fingernails in LOTR, they're bitten down to the bone!
E- I WAS FORCED TO DO THAT! (sob) my poor nails...
N- God he sounds like Wu-fei...
W- HEY! Hey... where's the crowd?
D- They got bored of your polished head and went home.
W- Screw you braid boy.
D- No thanks, I'm not that sort of guy...
W- INJUSTICE!
N- Well that was original... HEY! WHERES MY CAST??!!
W- Good point... I though I had been weak and dishonourable by being late, and now, I find I am almost alone, bar my master, and two short idiots...
D- HEY!
E- I'm sooooo taller than you!
W- Yes, and I'm waist height too...
E- I am NOT a hobbit! Look, SHOES!
W- Oh yeah... weird... oh well... I must go prepare for my role...
D- Yes, that lipstick takes so long to apply...
N- Duo!
R- UH!
N- RUTHY! Where is everyone?
R- KJ has just come back from hobbit land, so she's gonna take a break this episode, and Tammy's got the Chicken Pox (correction- its sum rashy thingy), so she's staying off... Kerry, Caz and Steph should be here, and Sandrock just landed, so Quatre's on his way...
N- (leaps 60 feet in the air) YAY! QUATRE!
E- Is he the blonde bimbo boy?
R- Yuhuh...
N- hey! (slaps Ruth) bad ruthy no insult Quatre Bad! And as for you...
E- (flutters eyelashes)
N- You are let off coz your fiiiiiiine. QUATRE!
Q- (yawn) Hello...
N- Is baby tired? DAW!
Q- Careful of the ribs!
N- Sorry...
Q- I've been up all night writing my book.
N- Quatre is writing a book?
R- Oh god...
2) Yes Tassa, it's called How to be a homo by QRW
N- (throttle) LEAVE HIM ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!
2) ARRRRRRRGH!
Q- no, it's on how to handle your money (yawn) call me when everyone gets here, I'm going for a nap.
N- Daw baby (Huggingness)
Q- Still attempting to go for a nap... still attempting... LET ME GO!
H- hn
N- HEEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Hewwo!
H- (the finger)
N- Hey!
D- At least he's not legless...
R- LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!
N- Nice one, Duo.
A muffled but beautiful sound of singing is heard approaching
R- That'll be my SEXY LEGS! Singing me elfish songs... (swoon)
E- Nah, Orlando only sings elfish songs, incredibly badly mind you, at Tolkein's grave once a year.
R- oh f u!
N- There are only four beings who make such a heavenly sound...
The doors burst open! The cast are blinded by a white light! The sound of a norweigen Guitar can be heard, and some low harmonious humming! Who could it beeeeeee?
N- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
B- (gorgey singing) Things are so different now your gone, I thought it'd be easy, I was wrong...
I,M,P- And now I'm caught...
B- And now I'm caught in the middle. Even though I'm with someone new, all I can think about is yoooou
I,M,P- And now I'm caught...
B- And now I'm caught in the middle...
I- It's so different...
N- BEEEEEEEEENNNNBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO! (leaps on Ben in hugging fest)
I- Dude! Like, let me sing.
M- Man, I don't think she's gonna let ya.
I- Like, man, Injustice, dude.
D- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (throttle)
C- DUO!
N- Uh! God that felt goooood. HAHAHAH!
R- (slaps high five)
C- leave my gorgey Cwissy aloooooooone! (Chrissy Cazy hug-fest)
D- So they've finally got over me. Oh well... there's still the cat...
Cat- You rang?
N- Yay! The arrivingness! Who are we missing?
Q- Trowa's not here. And can you please stop hugging me, your making me hug Ben too.
N- I know, Isn't it fun? Hey Elijah! (ssnnnnnnnnnnatch!)
E- Lemme go!
N- You're all mine! The musical, the cartoon and the theatrical! YAY!
E,B,Q- (sweatdrop)
R- Ok, Trowa's not here. Kerry isn't here either, and neither is Sara. Other than that, I think everything is soooooorted.
Cat- OH NO!
N- Oh no what, baby cat? Come join the hug, it's fun!
Cat- Where is my precious BABY NATAKU!!!!!!!!!!??????????
W- YOU LOST HER? AAAARRRRGH!
Commence the very camp search for baby nataku, including Wu-fei running around in a skirt with only one eye with eye shadow on waving his hands around and talking like Graham Norton.
W- Oh My GAWD! Where is Baby Natakoo?
Cat- *sob*
N- I would help you look, but I really cannot be arsed to get out of this hugging sitch.
Q- Actually, now I have regained feeling in my ribs, it's ok.
E- It's all snugly!
B- I feel like a teddy bear! Or my dog...
Cat- AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (runs awaaaaay!)
N- Bad Benbo!
B- (pout) Sowwy Tassa
2)- (aside to Duo) Have you noticed, Tasha always falls for the really gay looking guys with bad hair and feminine features?
N- WRRRRAAAAGGGGH! (throttling)
Q- Heeeey! I was enjoying the hugging!
B- I feel so alone...
E-.........(pose)
2)- (choke) Poser! (choke) POSER! (choke choke) Like... Legollllaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss (wheeze)
N- This is so relaxing!
R- Yeah everyone, buy a Steph and relive that stress! Don't turn to Kalms, that crappo stuff that makes you high!
N- All ya need to get high is one of Zeke's magic Biros!
R-Exactly, so call today!
2)- (wheeeeeeeeze)
C- Hey, maybe you should stop throttling now, Tash... Steph is going purple.
N- Nah, I can wait. I wanna see her turn blue!
R- Fun times!
N,R- YAY!
Everyone else- (Sweatdrop)
T- ///_0????
N- Oh, hey Trowa.
T- ///_0???????!
R- Ah, we're just throttling Steph for insulting Tasha's taste in guys. Ya wanna come join in?
N- It means she insulted you, since your kinda cute!
R- So whaddya say, huh?
T- ///_^
R,T,N- (throttle)
C- I really think you ought to break this up now.
N- Caz, what part of "I slaved away to finish life for you, depriving KTVS fans (there is only 1 other than my mates however) of the KTVSness aaaaand I put it on the net with a private dedication to you" do you not understand?
C- (twiddles thumbs)
N- This is kinda tiring.
R- Yeah, and I need a piss. What about you Trowa?
T- ///_@
N- Yeah, I guess watching Steph's big ol' head roll around on her shoulders can make you kinda dizzy.
N,R,T- (release steph)
2)- I am so going to assassinate you all...uh...
M- Hey, like, I have a question.
R- Yes, Mark has a question! Lets all listen in awe! (sweatdrop)
M- (blush) Wow...
R- (anime fall over)
M- anyway, like how are we gonna do any work?
N- What do you mean, Marky-Barky-Smarky-Warky? (flutter flutter)
M- (straight over head...) Well, erm, we have no Buffster...
N- OH MY GAWD!
H- Friend of Curtained Freak boy is correct, we are missing a Buffy.
E- What are we gonna do?
D- Since when are you part of the cast?
W- Yeah, leave!
E- (snivel)
N- Leave him aallllllllllooooooooooooooone!
D- Erm, why?
N- Coz if you don't I'll give him your job.
D- AIYEE!!!
R- YAY! The return of the sound!
N- Who did say that first?
Q- I think it was me.
R- he's right ya know, right before he dived behind Wu-fei.
W- Yes, and the little weakling ruined my best suit.
1) Our Dobuk (?) suits are soooooooooo much better. Plus, they're orange and black.
W- They are weak colours. White and Blue are the colours of strength and purity.
D- HEEEEEEEEEY! Deathscythe Rocks ass!
T-///_- Leave Heavyarms alone.
W- Quiet, you weak name stealer!
Q- Hey! Leave him alone!
D- Yeah but you have nothing to complain about, Sandrock's blue!
Q- I know ^_^, but I like to defend my friends.
D- Heero, yo Heero, he's dissin' your Gundam.... Yo Heero.... HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!
Q- Wow, that usually works.
T-///_^ It's the cry of Relena. It always sets him off!
Q,D,W,T- (snigger)
W- Woah... We're dissin his Bitch and he's still calm. WOOOOOOOOOOOOw!
D- Heero, Heero buddy (poke poke) You in there.
H- -_-
D- He-e-e-e-roooooo (poke poke)
H- o_-
D- Heeeeeewo..... (poke poke)
H- U_U Quit poking me asshole.
D- YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! HEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWOOOOO ISN'T DEDED!
Q- YAY! Go Duo!
H- (punch) How about not go Duo.
Q- You hit me.... O_O
H- Well you deserved it.
N- YOU HIT HIM! 0o0
H- So?
Q- You...You HIT me!
H-.... Quat, you deserved it man, chill.
R- Take a chill pill, dude.
N- BUT FOR WHAT?
R,N-(hysterics)
Q- (trembling Lip) You actually hit me. That's like, trying to kill me...
H- 0_0... You've done that to me before!
Q- But I was under the effects of your fucking Gundam Asshole! (Sob)
H-..........woah...
Cast- GASP! QUATRE SWORE!
N- TWICE!
Q-... (tremble tremble........ Hysterical tears)
H-.......sorry dude....
Q- That's OK then! (huge doped up smile)
N- (aside to LIJAH BABE!) You used one of Zeke's Biro's, didn't you?
E- What can I say, they were a perk when I finished the film.
H- O_o?
D- I am confused as you are.
N- Did no-one watch the Faculty? Zeke? Josh Hartnett?
R- OOOO! He's nice... OMG my body was just taken over by KJ....
N- BAD KJ! Taking over Ruth's body is a crime!
R- Sorry... HEY!
N- (glare) Anyway, is everyone here? ROLL CALL!
H- 01
D- 02
T-///_-; 03
Q- 04 (giggle)
W- 05
B- BEN!
M- MARK!
I- INGEBRIGSTEN! I mean, er, Christian... Chris.... CHRIS!
P- -_-; PAUL!
Cat- MEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!
1)- Kelky da Fish!
2) ELF! OOOOOOOO LEGOLAS!
N- Legolas is not in the Rollcall!
2)- Sorry
3)- DR EVIL DUDE!
N- When did you get here?
3)- I've been here the whole time, smooching out back with my little convict...
N- SCREWY!
R- RUTHY SYAM AND RIFFAY!
N- OOOOOOOOOH! Riffay rymes with Wuffay! Ruffay and Wuffay had a baby and called in Wuruffay!
R- Don't go there. Oh by the way, Wu, I'm up the duff.
W- (faint)
Q- (hysterics)
R- I was so kidding! MA Pill!
N- Ruth, you're 14. Don't go there.
R- -_- sowwy...
C- CAZY!
N- Wow Caz, you have been sooooooo quiet!
C- yeah, well, I have been snuggling with Cwissy, that tends to keep me occupied.
R- OH THE IMAGES!
D- Aren't they...
N- DUO! Hey, this is fuuuuuuuun! OOOOOO! Fuuin Saiki! HAHAH!
H- -_-;
N- MWHAHAH! Anyway, ehem, NATASHA LILI ALICE NATASHA TASHA TASSA TASSIA TASH TASHY WASHY SAPHI SAPPHIRE WINNER KITTY! (breathe) OK, well, I think that's all who are gonna turn up....
E- (snivel) Elwood Lij and Monkey?
N- ^_^ Of course!
E- (blushy)
D- (wretch)
N- You seriously need to die.
D- ;p
N- (glare)
D- eep...
N- Now, where was I? Ah yes... I have got bored with backtrack Bu-fish.
W- Oh the horror...
N- So we is gonna skip to the present series. And we are gonna go straight into a scene where Buffay is deded.
W- Oh the
Q- Oh do shut up... WOW! I'm so Gilesish! (giggle)
N- Ok, in the film you came down in like 5mins, Lij. How long is he gonna take?
E- (sweatdrop) Erm... you look nice today.
N-...... Go and sweep.
E- (snivel)
B- So are we getting Recast?
N-... yes
All- YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
N- However, since i don't wanna change the name of this series, Kaja will remain as Bu-fish.
All- OK!
N- Roight, ehem, here are your new roles-
Heero- Props
Duo- Wander, oh sorry, Xander (Duo- ok, I can deal)
Trowa- Mr Pointy
Quatre- Tara
Wu-fei- Oriental GILES! MWHAHAH! (w- It's better than the skirt...)
Ben- Willow
Mark- Cheif camera man
Paul- Spike
Christian- Coffee Boy
Tammy- Make-up, oh, and Anya (L- WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THE DUONESS!?)
Caz- Chief Special Effects Laydee
Ruth- Vampy Woman I am hereby creating coz Buffay currently is BORING!
Cat- Dawn
Tasha- I forfeit my role in the name of PC Drama (sob)
Sara- Sound
Kerry- Sets
Steph- Costume
Oh, and Lijah-Babe- Actor Counselling
R- What about Tara? And why is a guy playing Willow?
N- Quatre's Tara. Just for the fun.
B- Let me get this straight...
2)- Or Bent as the case may be...
Q- I'm playing a girl...
B- And not just any girl...
B,Q- A WIERDO WITCHY LESBIAN
B- And Quatre's
Q- His partner?
N- That about covers it ^_^
2)- MWHAHAHHAHAH!
N- Easy Tiger, or you swap in with Wu-fei.
2)- EEP!
N- Are we sorted?
B- If sorted means happy, then no.
Q- If you make me kiss Ben, I will be forced to go Zero.
N- Will you hug Ben?
Q- Will I get to shower lots afterwards?
B- Huh?!
Q- Admit it, like, you shower about once a month!
B- NO! More like, three times ^_^
Cast- EWWWWWWW!
E- That's just gross...
B- Hey, don't talk down to me just coz your ol,der than me!
E- One, I'm only 11 months older, give or take a few days, and two, I'm stading on the floor, and your on the stage. For god's sake, I can see your nostril hair!
Cast- (hysterics)
D- He funni!
H- Hee Hee...
D- Just one more syllable Heero, and then you can introduce yourself!(punch)
D- OWWY!
B- Dya want me to go fetch your crutches?
D- F U!
N- Oh dear....

The End is nigh, I fear my friends,
no matter the fun, it always ends,
I'm feeling poetic, I'm in the mood,
and I've had just enough of fei's attitude!
So let me end this, short and sweet,
#over 7 pages, not that neat,
The beggining of a new and colourful show,
KTVS TV, that's all folks!

Ehem, yes, and now thats all over...
Will Steph ever stop being mean?
Will Elijah ever get it through his thick head that he is an actor, not a janitor? (Hey, did yous ee him in Flipper? Int he sweeeeeeeeeeeet?)
Will we ever get down to filming?
Will there ever be a HTVWAS show? (Heero the vampire with a soul)
Will this ever come to point?
Will the Red Spangly Number ever be replaced? (nod from Ruth)
Will the torment ever end? (shake head from Tasha)
Will anyone ever Review the story damnit!? (This exempts my friends and KEEMEEW2. BTW, thankyou for being so faithful to my story, it will go sumwhere in the end... maybe)
The answers to these questions and more will be in the fantastic all new fullcasted episode of....

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!

This week sponsored by- Zeke's magic pens- Guaranteed to jack you up ;)