***
Authors note: This instalment in what I have called my 'Full Moon' series in Remus-centric and includes my first original character (who I quite like but is not a Mary Sue... I don't have her spunk). As always, all praise or criticism is greatly appreciated. By the way, thanks to all your lovely reviews I have decided to write another chapter to 'Long Nights Moon and Restless Minds' I just wanted to get this one finished first, so keep your eyes open. This is implied slash only.
Dedication: Queen P, get the Kleenex ready (for tears!... I know how your mind work)
To my newest friend, and beta reader, Cari. She will slap my wrist and make me look up pronouns if I don't get this right...
Also dedicated to all those who know what it is like to grieve for a lost life.
***
Remus stood looking down at the coffins as they were lowered into the ground. His whole body was numbed to the bone and he found it impossible to show any kind of emotion. Just over a week ago his whole life had been destroyed. Three of his closest friends – his only friends – were dead, and the responsibility lay at the feet of the only man he had ever trusted with his heart. A man who now resided in the depths of Azkaban prison for the rest of his natural life. He was no doubt loosing his mind just as his victims were being lowered into the ground.
Over his shoulder he could hear howling sobs coming from Hagrid as the giant blew his large nose on a ragged scrap of tissue. Professor McGonagall tried to place a comforting arm around him, but only reached half way around his shoulders. Her eyes were stinging with tears she was trying to bite back.
Remus lifted his head and looked at the others gathered around the grave in an attempt to stave off his emotion for a while longer. It was funny to think that a week before many of these would have been celebrating the downfall of Lord Voldemort who had terrorized the wizarding world for eleven years. They had toasted 'The Boy Who Lived' without really knowing the full details of what had happened. It was only in the days following the Dark Lord's defeat that a larger picture had arisen from the ashes and the wizarding community had gone into mourning yet again for the innocent victims left in Voldemort's wake.
Remus gazed over the large lake in front of him and as always was taken in by its beauty. The chilling November sun reflected off the waves and created an ethereal feel to all the surroundings.
Remus knew that soon after they had found out Lily was pregnant James and Lily had made a list of arrangements in case something would happen to them. They had documented what they wished to happen to their belonging and a few notes for friends and family, but most touching to Remus had always been where they wanted their funeral to take place.
It had been quite simply said, in a paragraph no longer then a few lines, that they wished their bodies to be put to rest in the place where their love had first began. Where they had met, fallen in love and begun their life together. Standing here now, Remus was sure they never believed it would be so soon; that the burial would take place only months after their son's first birthday.
Even the giant squid who resided in the lake was unusually quiet today. Remus could just make out the edges of the Forbidden Forest on the far side of the lake. He wanted with all his heart just to escape to that place now. Strange, he thought, how some things never change.
As his eyes travelled over the crowd he recognized many familiar faces. Professors who had taught him over the years were now joined by Severus Snape, who was to take up the position of Potions Master next year. Remus remembered their final Christmas in Hogwarts, when they had come down to breakfast to find Severus sitting on his own. How awful, Remus had thought at the time, to be alone at Christmas. Well now it was Remus who was alone.
Severus stood in his black mourning robes looking as always - sinister and rigid. His skin was as white as marble and his hair hung from his head in lifeless lines. Remus almost envied him his detachment from emotion. If only it was that easy for him.
Remus's eyes continued over the crowd. There were many students present as well; none seemed to mind giving up their Saturday to pay tribute to these three who had freed their lives from the fear of recent years. Many, Remus realized, wouldn't be able to remember a time before the dark lord. Maybe now they had a chance.
His eyes stopped on a head of long black hair, and a pair of blues eyes so similar to the ones he had fallen in love with, that he felt his heart ache. She was in her seventh year now, he realized. How hard had the last week been for her? How much pain was she going through as well?
A sagacious voice interrupted Remus's thoughts and he turned back to see the silver haired headmaster finishing his words to the gathered crowd. James and Lily's coffins were now in the ground, and since there was no immediate family to do the honours, Dumbledore called forward those who wanted to place soil into the ground.
All eyes turned to Remus. Everyone here knew how close the four boys had been in school and it seemed to be expected of him to say something.
Slowly, under the weight of their eyes, he moved forward. He stood on a small rise in the ground so as to be heard properly, but he didn't know what to say.
He stayed for many moments looking out at the faces turned to him. They seemed to be willing him to speak. To say something touching and uplifting so they could find some solace in these grim events. Remus didn't think there was anything he could say; nothing could change what had happened; nothing could bring James, Lily and Peter back. Remus almost stalked off before remembering something from the past.
He lost himself in it for a moment, trying to remember how purposeful James had been at the time.
"James once told me, that he had accepted his destiny... where ever it would lead him." Remus broke off and looked at the coffins in the ground. "He said, 'There comes a time in your life when you realize, that if you stand still, life will pass you by....' James and Lily fought for what they believed in. They followed their destiny to the bitter end... and in doing so they gave us all a life to live for." Remus stopped again, wondering what life he would have. What did he have to live for now? "I hope that we can all live up to the sacrifice my friends made for us." Remus stopped. He was unable to continue so he grabbed a handful of soil from a nearby mound and with a silent 'goodbye' released it onto the bodies of his lifeless friends.
Tears were streaming down the faces of many people now but Remus couldn't bear to take in their emotions. He walked away as a line of people made their way to the grave side. In front of him he could just make out the figure of his Transfiguration teacher through tear-filled eyes. He dabbed at his face with the corner of his robes; the mourning robes Dumbledore had lent him only hours before.
"That was beautiful, Remus," Professor McGonagall said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. She seemed to be consoling everyone today Remus thought.
"Thanks," Remus mumbled before being accosted by large arms, which wrapped their way around his body.
"I can't believe it," bellowed the voice of the Hogwarts grounds keeper, Remus stumbled under the weight of the half giant but refused to let him go.
"Lily an' James dead – an' poor little Harry..." Hagrid snivelled onto Remus's shoulder. "I seen him, Remus. That nigh'. White an' shakin', he was an' I comforted the murderer. He wanted Harry, but I said no, so he told me ter take his bike an' ter get Harry ter Dumbledore. I shoulda known."
"He gave you his motorbike?" Remus asked into Hagrid's shoulder, feeling his body shiver. Hagrid pulled away now as he blew his nose on the ragged handkerchief.
"Said he won' need it anymore... I shoulda known. Then he killed all those Muggles... and Peter." Hagrid wailed again.
"It's okay Hagrid," Remus counselled the larger man. "No one knew what he was capable of... He's paying for what he's done now."
"Remus!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed on hearing this. "You surely don't mean that. No one deserves to be near those Dementors."
"Yes, I do, Professor!" Remus said adamantly, not noticing his voice getting louder with each word. "He betrayed us all. He wasn't satisfied with sending James and Lily to their graves; he had to go after Peter as well!"
"Yes," a voice curled from over Remus's shoulder, and he spun around to see the pointed features of Severus Snape, "Strange, isn't it."
"What?!" Remus snapped.
"If Black was on such a rampage," Severus accused, "It seems strange how you survived."
"HOW DARE YOU!" Remus bellowed as he pulled out his wand and bowled towards Severus. "I DIED THAT DAY!"
Remus stopped within inches of Severus; his wand pointing between the other man's eyes. Rage was building up inside of Remus and he didn't know for how long he could hold onto it as he stared at the satisfaction on Severus's face.
"Temper, temper," Severus scolded. "Not unlike Black... Are you Lupin?" Severus drawled standing and watching him.
Remus eyes widened in anger and he pulled his wand back, ready to strike Severus.
Just then a warm hand rested on top of Remus's wand hand. Remus turned his head and met those blue eyes again.
"Don't Remus," a familiar voice implored, "not today."
The anger inside him melted in a second and all he was left with was pain and compassion for this other soul.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, tears welling once more. But he was met with a shake of a head indicating that it was not needed.
"That's it Lupin," Severus chided, "listen to your little friend."
Remus was about to make a retort before Professor McGonagall cut it.
"Professor Snape, I think we should go and help the other Professors. It is going to be a long day." She promptly took Severus's elbow and guided his scornful form towards the rest of the crowd. A moment later Dumbledore clapped his hands sharply drawing everyone's attention towards him.
"If you would all like to retire to the castle, I believe the house elves have prepared us some refreshments," Dumbledore said. Remus noticed how the usually twinkle in his eyes was missing today. It had been mislaid for a long time, in fact, but the absence was more prominent today. Those who had stayed started to make their way to the castle and Remus turned to look at his companion.
Her troubled eyes looked up at him and he wanted to reach out and hold her in his arms. To tell her everything would be okay but he couldn't lie to her.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" she asked, and he nodded his head.
***
She was so much like Sirius, Remus thought. Her black hair hung down below her shoulders and her eyes were full of mischief and mayhem, though not today.
"How have you been?" Remus asked as they walked the shoreline of the lake.
She shrugged her shoulders and kicked a stone underfoot.
"Okay I guess," she answered unsurely, "It's been strange..." She threw her self down on a large rock and started skimming stones across the surface of the water. She had the look of the Black family so strongly that most people thought her and Sirius had been brother and sister. They were close enough to be and often pretended they were. Sirius had even called her his 'little sister' when he had introduced them to her in her first year. Even at eleven she didn't take too kindly to the adding of the word 'little' to the nickname.
She had come to Hogwarts when Remus was in his fifth year. And although she didn't hang around the four friends like many other tried to, she had always been accepted as more then just Sirius's cousin.
"Do you think he did it?" she asked not looking up at Remus.
"Yes," Remus replied without hesitation.
Her head turned sharply to meet his face and Remus sat down beside her on the rock.
"Out of everyone, I thought you would give him the benefit of the doubt." She charged.
"If there was any reason to question his guilt do you think he would be in Azkaban?" Remus defended. "He's guilty, Selma! He betrayed James and Lily as secret keeper, he killed Peter... He let us all down. He's where he deserves to be."
Her eyes started to fill with tears now and Remus realized he had never seen her cry before. Even when her mother had died the previous summer, she had managed to keep her emotions in check, but now, as the tears streamed down her face, Remus wished he could change everything to stop her pain.
"I'm sorry, Selma." Remus offered.
"Don't apologise for how you feel Remus," she said swiping at her tears. "I just can't believe it yet... He was like a brother to me! I thought I knew him!"
"So did I," Remus whispered softly.
From where they were sitting he could see the Whomping Willow clearly. He tried to push the thought out of his mind, but Sirius had put lives in danger before. Whether he had simply been foolish, as he had tried to explain to Remus afterwards, a person had almost lost his life because of Sirius.
"They didn't tell us what happened at first; I don't know if they even knew." Selma said. "McGonagall just came into the common room and told us He had been defeated. It wasn't until Monday that we heard the full story... People kept getting owls from their family; everyone thinks I was involved in some way. Dad even wants to pull me out of school but I'm not leaving," she said determinedly.
Remus turned at looked at the determined face of the seventeen year old beside him. He never remembered being so confident at her age, but then he wasn't a Black.
"So you haven't been 'okay'!" Remus said, repeating her reply from earlier.
"Let's just say it's a good thing I'm a Gryffindor!" She replied running her hand through her black locks. "All that courage is going to come in handy."
Remus wondered at her bravery just as he had once wondered at Sirius's. He already had enough of probing glances and questions.
"What are you going to do with The Den?" Selma asked about the house Remus and Sirius had shared.
"I've moved out," Remus answered. "I'm living in my parents' old lodge now."
"Sirius would want you to have the house, Remus," Selma said her voice heavy with concern.
"I don't think what Sirius wants is a compelling issue anymore!" Remus shouted.
***
Once back in the castle Remus had found the rest of the gathering in a large room off the Entrance Hall. He wandered around for a few moments, trying to make polite conversation with the old Gryffindors from his year. He noted there were only girls from the Gryffindor class of '78. In a short few days their class had been all but halved.
Most never mentioned Sirius, but those who did were met with furious replies. Remus tried to control himself, but he really just wanted to get away. He couldn't be in this place with people throwing pitying looks at him.
Remus put his goblet down on the table and was making his way towards the door when a pair of half moon glasses descended upon him.
"Ah, Remus," a friendly voice intoned. "I have been wondering where you disappeared to."
"I was talking to Selma Black, sir." Remus explained to his old headmaster.
"Ah yes, Miss Black. One of our more promising students." Professor Dumbledore replied. "I do believe, however, she has the same penchant for mischief as your friend." Dumbledore eyes twinkled faintly with their old private laugher.
"Excuse me, Professor Dumbledore but Sirius Black is not my friend!" Remus said defiantly, his voice angry.
"Perhaps," Dumbledore replied slowly, "but it is my understanding that you were once more than that." He lowered his eyes to Remus. "Is that not so, Mr. Lupin?"
Remus broke his gaze with Professor Dumbledore, not wanting to feel the weight of this man's knowledge on him.
"I was wondering," Remus asked before turning back. "How is Harry?" his voice was now caring and concerned.
"His safety has been assured," Dumbledore answered, "and when the time comes, he will attend these classrooms as his parents would have wanted." Dumbledore indicated the rooms around his with a brief movement of his hands. "Unfortunately," Dumbledore said gravely, "their first wish for Harry's guardianship could not be granted."
"He's better off where he is." Remus answered bitterly.
"Maybe," Dumbledore replied. "It is no secret however, that they wanted a second godfather for Harry."
Remus could feel his cheeks redden; surely Dumbledore wouldn't question his reasons for denying the opportunity. He loved Harry, that was obvious, but there was no way he could take care of a child. Especially not on his own.
"I was not a suitable choice," Remus answered.
"Was that not the decision of his parents?"
Remus could suddenly feel himself boil over with rage and grief. There was no need for this conversation, no need to plough up the past and question every decision, every action.
They had been betrayed. Betrayed by one of their own. Couldn't Dumbledore see that?
"With all due respect, Headmaster, I am not a student here any longer and I do not have to be told about the mistakes in my past. I think I can see them quite clearly myself. So if you will excuse me, I would like to be going home." Remus could feel the tears stinging his eyes, begging to be released, but he didn't want to cry again today. Not now, not in front of everyone.
He felt a warm hand rest on his shoulder and a young voice reached his ears,
"Remus?" Selma said in a concerned voice.
Damn this girl, Remus thought; damn her for being there just when he wanted to be alone. Damn her composure and her courage. Damn her soft voice and comforting touch.
"I'm fine, Selma!" Remus spat at her, knowing that it was far from the truth. "I'm fine." Tears were welling up through his eyes. "I'm fine." Spilling down his face. "I'm fine." His body crumbled. "I'm fine." Falling to the floor. "I'm fine." Clinging to her.
***
