Tender - The Beginning

Pairing: Bobby/Rogue, Logan/Rogue

Rating: R (I think!)

Summary: Trials and tribulations of a first relationship, mutant style. Post X-2.

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, the song lyrics belong to Blur. I'm not making any money out of either (mores the pity!). If you don't know Blur's music, then please try to have a listen. I can highly recommend "Tender" and "No Distance Left To Run". This also owes a huge debt to jenn, some of whose ideas I've explored. Her stories inspired me to have a go.

Archiving: Please ask first. All reviews gratefully received at skeptik@lycos.co.uk ------------------------------------------------------

"Tender is the night,

Lying by your side"

I don't think that I've ever seen anything more beautiful than her sleeping beside me. Sometimes I turn the light on just to watch her, dark eyelashes lying on skin the exact shade and scent of expensive vanilla ice cream. Funny, I never thought that vanilla was that special a flavor - I always preferred mint choc chip. That only lasted until she let me brush my lips across her skin for the first time - so careful, soft-on-soft, so scared she'd run any moment. Breathing in the essence of her, a perfume I want to have with me always. So jealous because I *know* others can smell her far more intensely than I can. I want to wrap up her scent, just for me.

"Tender is the touch,

Of someone that you love too much"

Remembering the first time we made love - the first for us both. Some people want to forget their first time - I try to remember it every day, so it stays clear. Learning to kiss, to feel and to give sensation in return through material so fine I could taste every part of her. Not knowing how warm everything would feel, how naturally it all happens. Liquid and soft and hot like her eyes, her face, her lips telling me she needed me, she wanted me. Never realising until that moment how a person's soul can flow out through their eyes. Sighing against her hair that I loved her, would never hurt her, could never leave. Lying tangled in each other afterwards, daring again to taste her skin, just once more. Falling asleep and never wanting the night to end. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------

"Tender is the day,

The demons go away"

The night I lost my virginity I had the worst nightmare so far. A horrific jigsaw of images and memories - leaving my parents and watching them being dragged away to die, only to find myself underwater and not strong enough to get out, trapped by metal in my body that didn't belong there. I woke up screaming, hot tears shaking my body. Turned to find him awake and holding me, skin cool like a river against me, whispering comfort like the sound of water flowing over rock. Slowly relaxing against him, coming to my senses to see tears in his eyes.

"Lord I need to find,

Someone who can heal my mind"

He doesn't know how much I care for him, how grateful I am to him for standing by me, for never turning away from me the way the other students did. He's my lover, my friend, the brother I never had. Even when he kisses me for too long and I can *feel* him slipping into me, violating my mind again, I trust him and he trusts me. Smiles at me with those eyes the colour of glaciers and tells me that I haven't hurt him, that he'll be ok. I remember brown eyes telling me the same thing. Dangerous hand stroking my hair, smell of leather and cigars and *safety*. Now I look into blue eyes that could never erase the memory of someone that I hold within me closer than my own life, in whose dreams I walk nightly as a different person. But most of the time I am only myself. I feel his love for me and I cherish the days - the nights are too crowded. -------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tender is the ghost,

The ghost I love the most"

Sometimes she looks out of the window for too long with a half-wistful smile, and I know that she wants to run again. Mostly it doesn't bother me too much, but occasionally I get dark and cold inside, looking at her and seeing him. It twists in me that there is so much of him there and so little of me. Makes me want to force my lips against hers until she takes all I have and I'm inside her forever, like he is. Then she turns to me and smiles all the trust in the world straight into my heart and I melt all over again. She's my angel and I could never hurt her.

"Hiding from the sun,

Waiting for the night to come"

I never saw much point in daylight. A warm summer afternoon leaves me, quite literally, cold. Since we started sharing a bed I can't imagine why any kind of deity would invent such a pointless waste of hours between cool and dark. My foolproof theory of atheism, hmm. I want her to move into my room so that I can devour every detail of her, night after night. I don't want to waste precious moments of twilight or dawn while she gets ready somewhere else. At noon I start counting the hours until dark. Hoping against hope that a certain someone's shrill little voice doesn't pipe up with the suggestion of a film or a club in town. When the door closes to *our* room, I am always inwardly relieved. I wish I wasn't always so afraid she'll run. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------

"Tender is my heart,

I'm screwing up my life"

Sometimes I do still feel it, the urge to run. To shout "fuck off" to the world and stop them all touching me, smothering me. The other voices in my mind get excited then, they feel my anger, my frustration and they draw closer like beggars round a flame. That's when I hate him and his pale eyes and his bloody wrapping me in cotton wool and I just want to tear free, tear him with the metal under my skin. The thought frightens me and I turn away from the window, to see him watching me. I remember what he means to me and I smile at him because he's so kind. And then I wish that I were as good as he is and carefully modulate my attitude for a while. But it always comes back, eventually. The *other* in me.

"Lord I need to find,

Someone who can heal my mind"

I know what the answer is, really. I'll never be the girl he wants me to be, because under the surface I'm something else, not-male-not-female-just- me. I keep half-hoping that he'll suddenly understand the reason that I wear my hair like a badge, a symbol of who I am. But he doesn't. And he'll never be the man I want, because he's a boy inside, and he'll have to hurt a lot and cry and stop crying to become a man. I don't want to watch him do that, don't want to be the one that breaks him inside so that he puts himself together stronger. But since I can't have what I want and he doesn't know what he wants we are happy deluding ourselves. After all, he does love me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------

"Tender is the night,

Lying by your side,

Tender is the touch,

Of someone that you love too much,

Tender is my heart tonight,

I'm screwing up my life,

Lord I need to find,

Someone who can heal my mind"