***
Remus heard a soft pop in his ears and he saw the woods to the north of The Den appear in front of his eyes. Remus hadn't wanted to apparate directly into the house. It would have been too overwhelming to feel all those old smells rushing to his senses again after so many years.
For some reason he looked down and rearranged his robes, trying to look a little neater. He laughed at his own actions; who exactly was he trying to impress?
After taking a deep breath Remus started walking in the direction of The Den. It took a few minutes before the woods started to clear and for Remus to see the soft outline of his old home beyond their edges.
Remus stopped when he finally emerged from the woods and allowed himself to drink in the sight before him.
The Den had been a simple bungalow when Sirius had first found it. It had been in bad need of some tender loving care, but it was on a few acres of land and behind the house was an old stone cottage where Remus could transform. It was perfect for Sirius and Remus.
Remus remembered the excited letter he had received from Sirius the same day he had found the house. It was so full of enthusiasm that Remus had smiled as he read it. It was Sirius who had named the house in that very letter. The Den was a place where wolf and dog could live; where man and man could love. They would be so happy there, Sirius had written; and Remus had believed him effortlessly.
Remus pushed open the black iron gate that guarded the path to the front door. It groaned in protest. He could see the windows were heavy with dust and the paint on the door had begun to peel and blister. The plants they had sown together in the front of the house that first summer were overgrown and choked by weeds.
Originally there had been only one floor to the house, but Sirius and Remus had raised the roof and added two bedrooms and a large bathroom upstairs. Remus remembered the large clawed bathtub which took residence in the room soon after they had moved in.
As Remus approached the door of the house he took his wand out to open it, but to his surprise the door opened before him, almost beckoning him inside. Remus stood looking at it for a moment; it still recognized him! Sirius had never repealed the Detection Charm which allowed Remus entrance without announcement.
Inside, the house looked darker then he had ever remembered. Even the late May sun didn't seem to penetrate the big windows, and Remus wasn't really surprised considering how filthy they were. He took a moment to look around before he pocketed his wand and walked through the door.
His feet picked up dust from the floor, which billowed into the pungent house air. He coughed as some got into his mouth.
His first reaction was to walk into the living room and pry open the two large stiff windows, allowing air to circulate. He then did the same in the kitchen. It wouldn't be long before the place at least smelled a bit cleaner, he thought. He was about to go upstairs, but was stopped by a noise coming from the living room.
Gingerly he poked his head around the corner. He knew what he was going to see and he felt almost embarrassed at how easy he had been to convince but she didn't comment on his attendance. She just smiled that sweet school girl smile across her womanly face and they went back to work.
Somehow it was decided that Remus should take the rooms upstairs as these were the more personal of the house, and Selma would work through the shelves and cupboards that lined the living room and kitchen.
Even walking up the stairs was difficult for Remus. The seventh step still creaked and he almost forgot to duck his head just as he reached the top and narrowly missed the strangely lowered ceiling at that point.
His hand was still protectively on his head when Remus's eyes fell onto the door to the master bedroom. He stood and looked at it for what seemed close to forever before deciding to start at the end of the hallway. The bathroom wouldn't hold as many memories, he supposed.
Remus did a u-turn around the banisters and walked down the landing to the bathroom. The door opened easily and he was greeted instantly by the musty decaying smell of the house mixed with soap, citrus and the dampness.
Bottle caps had been left off, and the remains of creams and emulsions were dried to the bottom of many bottles. A half used soap bar sat abandoned in its dish and a mouldy towel was flung over the side of the bath. Damp had crept up from the floor, and there were distinct marks of mildew spawning from the corners of the room and across the walls.
Remus crinkled his nose. What exactly to salvage from this room, he did not know. He summoned a box from downstairs, and taking a step forward decided that opening the windows in here would be a good idea also.
The room, which was at least twice the size of the one at Lupin Lodge, took up the whole front of The Den's upper floor. It was an indulgence, Remus realized now, that they had given themselves easily.
As prolonged as Remus tried to make the exercise of clearing and cleaning the bathroom, there was only so much a room could take, and unless he wasn't going to use magic he would finish it fairly quickly. He knew that not using magic would be an evident indication of how hard he was finding this, and he didn't want to admit that; not even to himself.
The smaller bedroom really didn't hold much. They had furnished it for the occasional visitor or for friends who were too tired or drunk to Apparate or Floo home themselves. Even so Remus opened the wardrobe and found a couple of moths fly at him before escaping through the recently opened window. The bed sheets were grubby and chewed so he stripped the bed and placed the covers in the same box he had put the mouldy towel from the bathroom. He sat on the naked bed and remembered the night before James and Lily's wedding. Sirius had made them apparate to a small village he had found just outside Prague. He insisted that it was his duty, as best man, to ensure they could have a good time without worrying about stories getting back to Lily. As the night had worn on and the others had all gotten increasingly intoxicated, Remus had wondered how exactly they would get back to England without splinching themselves. In the end they had to Floo from border to border before finally catching a late Channel broom flight to London.
They had almost overslept the next morning, waking only an hour before the ceremony was scheduled to take place. It had taken James thirty minutes just to get into his wedding robes, and a hung over Sirius still couldn't remember where he had left the rings up to five minutes before leaving the house.
Remus looked around the spare room again. It had been a safety measure as well, he conceded. Sirius and he could live together but if people realised that they lived together, it would have been a different matter. Remus shook his head at the intolerance he had to endure in his life. If not for being a werewolf then for being gay! Some things had changed in the last decade but it was boiling under the surface of the wizarding community. There were few who could openly admit that they completely understood what Remus had been through and perhaps that was why he liked Selma so much. She knew who he was – what he was – and it didn't change how she treated him.
Only when he could no longer postpone the task did Remus walk towards the master bedroom and slowly push the door open.
Even thought the rest of the house had been dark, this room danced with the light that was pouring through the windows. It had been Sirius's choice to make this the master bedroom. He loved the morning light, and the room faced south with windows on three of its four walls. It meant that the room got the light from outside all day long, and from sunrise to sunset they had enjoyed the changing colours and emotions of that light as they had lain in bed together.
As Remus walked through the room he hadn't stepped foot in for over a decade, he found himself running a hand over the large four-poster bed. This, he now conceded, had been there biggest indulgence. He remembered saying that he didn't care if the rest of the house was completely bare once they had their own four poster bed.
It had been something he had wanted ever since their first kiss, ever since they had first slept side-by-side, arms wrapped around each other's bodies. It had not been about sex that first time, even though – well – even though it had. It was about so much more then that. It was about the possibility. The need of each body and how the other could satisfy. It was about not having to hide behind curtains or sneaking away to be together. It was about just being themselves... about being themselves together.
Their bed had said that so much simpler and easier then anything else could. Their house, their room, their bed!
Remus didn't want to take the time in this room that he had in the others. He stripped the bed, making it seem so naked, and allowed a Cleaning Charm to begin its work. He pulled opened the packed top drawer of the dresser and put all the clothes into a bag before proceeding to the second drawer.
Remus was surprised to find it empty and it took him only a few seconds to realize that this had been his drawer. In a moment of perplexity Remus crossed the room and pulled open the door to the wardrobe. On the left hand side hung a number of cloaks and some Muggle clothes. On the right... nothing. Half of the wardrobe lay empty before him. His half!
Sirius had never taken over Remus's space. He had left it all in preparation of his return. Had he been that certain that I would return, Remus asked himself.
Remus threw the clothes into a bag and closed the wardrobe again. He pulled open drawers and threw books into boxes. Pages full of Sirius writings were flung across the room. Potion vials, magical items, even a bag of ageing sweets flew through the air as Remus pulled the room apart.
He needed to get this over with quickly. He couldn't handle being in this room and being able to smell Sirius again. Oh yes, he told himself, you can smell him! Under the staleness and the filth you can smell his musky odour. The way it used to arouse you, and you would give into the animal inside of you.
"Stop it!" Remus told himself, but it was too late. His mind was already travelling backwards, remembering the hours they would spend together, bodies locked into each other. He had been unable to feel anything but a pure primal instinct to dominate his partner. He remembered the marks they would leave on each others skin as they fought towards ecstasy. They way he would lose himself in the moments of complete control over Sirius, when he could feel the wolf pulling inside of him.
Just then Remus heard Selma's voice travel from the bottom of the stairs.
"I'm going to make something to eat, Remus," she called, "Do you want a sandwich?"
"Yeah," Remus shouted back, trying to force his memories away. "I'll be down in a minute."
With a flick of his wand the rest of the clothes flew into bag on the floor. Remus quickly checked the rest of the room for any belongings, and without looking at them too closely, placed them in bags as well. He didn't want to come back up those stairs again, he told himself.
After a few minutes he levitated the bags down the stairs in front of him and let them rest in the hallway.
The kitchen was directly below the master bedroom and just as big. As he entered he was glad of the daylight streaming in, and so he took a seat nearest the open window. The light breeze caressed his face and it seemed to ease him emotions again. He needed to get back to the Lodge, he knew this at least.
"How's it going?" Selma asked as she placed a sandwich and a cup of tea in front of him.
"Finished," he answered taking a sip of the tea.
"Already?" Selma asked.
"Well it's mostly clothes, so it doesn't take that much sorting. I've left a Cleaning Charm to finish off." Remus tried to sound nonchalant, though he was sure it hadn't worked.
"Oh," Selma said sitting down beside him. "Well I guess you got the easier task then." She took a bit of her sandwich and slowly chewed and swallowed. "It's strange being here and not having Sirius fooling around." She smiled sadly. "I remember your house warming party. I was sneaking punch the whole night... Fourteen and I was completely soused."
"I bet your mother wasn't very happy when you Flooed home!" Remus said, trying to join in the conversation. Selma shook her head.
"Not at all! I can't believe I might have to deal with that when Izzy gets older." She raised her eyebrows in wonder at the thought. She easily shook her head in amazement then looked up at Remus as she remembered something "You know James and Lily's son should be starting at Hogwarts this year."
Remus raised his eyes and stared at her. Had it really been that long? The last time Remus had seen Harry, he was barely walking, and now he was about to start school.
"I didn't," Remus stumbled on his words, "it won't be easy for him... being the Harry Potter."
"No, I guess not." Selma said softly then remembered something. "There are a few books I think might be yours," she offered, "There's one on Healing Potions and an encyclopaedia on wizarding legends." She began to get out of her seat to get them, but Remus's voice pushed her back down.
"They're not mine." He told her, "I... I moved out before -" He rethought his words, then said, "There's nothing of mine left here."
Selma looked at him with questioning eyes, but Remus didn't meet her gaze.
"You had moved out before it... happened?" asked Selma.
Remus nodded.
"But... I thought... I don't understand."
"I can't explain it, Selma, I just had to move out. It was for the best."
"Oh," Selma said quietly, "Sirius never told me."
"He didn't?" Remus asked surprised.
Selma shook her head.
"I thought he told you everything," said Remus.
"So did I," whispered Selma, looking down at her tea.
All of a sudden, she looked like a girl again to Remus. A girl sitting in the Hogwarts headmaster's office, crying her eyes out because her cousin was gone forever. Remus hated himself for making her doubt Sirius's affection towards her. In spite of everything else Remus felt, he knew that for her it had to be real.
After a moment she raised her head again and her face was not tired or sad, but seemed to be somewhat rested, even though her eyes betrayed that emotion.
"Can I ask you something?" Selma said.
Remus sighed.
"I'm not trying to pry," she added, "It's just... I remember Sirius saying that he wanted you to live together so he could spend the full moon with you."
Remus froze.
"What did he mean? He couldn't spend the full moon with you, not when you transform, I mean."
"Sirius was never there," Remus interrupted, and it was true. It had been Padfoot who spent the full moons with Moony, but he could never tell Selma that. Even now he couldn't break the pact the four of them had made so many years ago. It was only after months of discussion that they had allowed James to tell Lily, but that had been an exception and Remus couldn't exactly ask their permission now.
"Then..." Selma's eyes said the rest.
"Sirius would be there before I transformed," Remus explained trying very hard not to lie, but also not to give away the real truth, "and he would help me afterwards... I guess that's what he meant. Don't ask me to analyse his words after so long, Selma."
Selma fingered her cup like she was pondering his words very seriously.
"So did that help? Did it help you, I mean?"
"In some ways," Remus responded, feeling like he was walking a thin line now.
"But the transformations are just as bad as ever. Just as violent?" her eyes still down.
"If you want to know what it's like to be a werewolf, then just say it, Selma." Remus said, exasperated.
Selma's eyes finally left the cup and challenged Remus's.
"I'm not asking out of curiosity, Remus, I'm trying to help you!" she defended.
"How can you do that?" Remus demanded. "There is no cure for lycanthropy!"
"No..." Selma said but her voice seemed to lead somewhere. "But Jacques and I have been working on something for the last few years... actually I think I've been working on it ever since I found out you were a werewolf. It might help you. Once we get it right."
"What are you talking about?"
"We're trying to make a potion using monkshood."
"Monkshood!" Remus interrupted, "you mean wolfsbane."
Selma nodded.
"Are you trying to kill me, Selma, or have you forgotten how that affects werewolves?" Remus asked in amazement.
"I know what pure wolfsbane does, Remus," she said, annoyance ringing in her tone, "I have actually studied Alchemy for quite a while longer then you and to a much better effect, I might add."
This shut Remus up, but Selma seemed to regret the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. That old Black magic.
"Look, I shouldn't even be telling you this, but you're the reason I wanted to figure it out." She explained. "I know how bad it was for you before Sirius was put in Azkaban and it can't have gotten better since then. The potion can't cure lycanthropy, but if it works it'll prevent the extremely dangerous dementia and pain which come with the transformation."
"Right," was all Remus could say. "But basically it'll poison me."
"Not you, just the wolf."
Remus just looked at Selma.
"Don't you understand what I'm saying, Remus?" Selma implored. "You wouldn't have to loose your mind, you wouldn't want to attack humans... or anything for that matter."
"I know!" Remus said pinching his bridge. "But I can't let myself believe it, Selma... do you know how many times I wished for that? I can't be cured, but to be able to live without the fear of putting others in danger... Even the few time I managed to find some kind of happiness..." he stopped, "Not happiness, just to not be as unhappy it was still dangerous for me, dangerous for anyone around me. As much as I don't want that... I don't want to die either. Maybe a few years ago I would have taken it gladly, but you said yourself it's not perfect."
"Oh god, Remus, I never meant for you to be a test subject," Selma said suddenly realizing how it must have sounded to him. "I just wanted to let you know that there may be another option."
"Who is going to be your test subject then..." Remus said defensively, "We are people you know, Selma. As much as some don't want to admit it. As much as they just want to mark us out as freaks of nature and kill us all off."
"Why are you attacking me?" she half-shouted, "I'm trying to help you."
This outburst made Remus pull back his emotions. Why was he attacking her? Perhaps she didn't understand completely what he went through, but she had always accepted him, just as Peter, Sirius and James had.
"I'm sorry," he said leaning towards her, "I guess I'm not use to people being... nice about my condition."
She nodded slowly taking this in. She was trying to accept his apology, he could see that, but it was hard to forgive immediately. After a few moments she relaxed her grip on her teacup.
"I found some photos," she said retrieving a box from the counter and placing it on the table, "I though you'd like to see them."
Remus looked down at the box to see James and Peter waving up at him. It had been the summer before seventh year, and they had spent two weeks at the Potters' before returning to school. In the background was the skeleton of a bike, which Sirius was determined to get working by the end of the year.
"I'm going to try and finish things off inside," Selma said before leaving Remus alone in the kitchen.
Remus picked up a handful of the photos and flicked through them. There were more from school, a few graduation photos, the '78 Quidditch World Cup, James and Lily's wedding, and a single one of Remus looking somewhat put out at being made pose for the photo alone.
Remus flicked through them trying not to linger on any in case it brought back memories. He seemed to achieve this until he came to one he hadn't seen before. He recognized the couch as being the one in James and Lily's living room, but he was sure he hadn't been present when this one was taken.
Sirius was spread out on the couch, his head resting on the right arm rest. His eyes were closed and he must have been dozing off in the evening light. His arms were held protectively around a small figure on his chest. Wearing a light blue baby grow, Harry was snuggled safely into Sirius's chest, sleeping soundly as his godfather's chest rose and fell softly underneath him. They were both so at peace that it felt like an intrusion to be just looking at the photograph. Baby Harry moved silently and, turning his head, he placed a thumb in his mouth before slumbering again. He couldn't have been much older then one, Remus thought, so small and defenceless, yet feeling completely safe in his cocoon.
Remus shook his head grimly. He wasn't defenceless it had turned out, and neither had he been safe in Sirius's arms. Remus had been so sure that Sirius would never harm Harry, but he had ended up orphaning his own godson.
Remus heard Selma returning from the other room and quickly put the photo under the rest of the pile. He turned to greet her face as she walked in.
"Do you know who 'Moony' is?" she asked.
Remus looked at her surprised.
"It's me!" he exclaimed, feeling confused. How did she know his old moniker?
"You?"
"Yeah," he replied, "it was a nickname... you know, werewolf, full moon... Moony!" He was trying to sound like this was the only nickname they had. Mentioning the others would only bring more questions. "Why?"
She pulled out an envelope from the box that was jammed between her left arm and hip and looked at it briefly.
"I guess this is yours then," she said as she handed it to him and walked back to the living room.
Remus looked after her for a moment, but when he heard her continue her work his eyes fell on the letter in his hands. He looked at the name scrawled across the envelope and knew instantly that it was Sirius's writing. He wasn't sure if he wanted to read it or not. He didn't even know what it was, or when it had been written.
After a minute he turned the letter over and pulled up the flap. The same writing was on the pages inside.
Dear Moony,
It won't be long until you're home, so I wanted to write this quickly. It seems strange to think about the number of letters I have written to you when I should have just told you how I felt, but I have never been good with words. Only actions. I always said that I would prove my love to you in my actions. I think I must have failed that after what you asked me last night.
So now I have to answer what I couldn't last night and this is how I know to do it best. I find it easier to stumble over words them over my quill. Somehow, with these eagle feathers between my fingers, I become more expressive. I'm become able to explain my feelings in a way I never can in day to day life.
You asked me if you'd ever hurt me, I said no. You said physically, I said no. You said during sex, I said no! You said you knew you were rough and I had to be honest, I said no. Then you left for work this morning without saying goodbye. I hate waking up and you not being there.
What is it, Moony, what is wrong?
When you came home yesterday I knew something was wrong. I thought it was me, something I had done. What did I do, Moony? What was it that made you so quiet... so scared? You looked so pale. I've never seen you like that before, and you wouldn't talk to me! There is nothing we can't face together. I told you I would always be there for you. I will do anything to make you happy. You have saved me from myself, and given me back to myself. My whole life I have wanted someone to love me the way you do.
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. For passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can't help dimly seeing there and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else looked quite far enough to find.
Hurry home my darling Moony, I need you near.
All my love
Sirius.
Remus looked at the date on the letter and knew why he had never received it. He knew why Sirius had woken up alone. Remus had never come home after that night. He had moved out without explanation or excuse. It had been for the best.
***
Remus had gone back to the Lodge at the end of the day. Selma wanted to make dinner but Remus told her he was so tired that he wanted to just have a bath and go to bed.
He sat in front of the fire and once again watched the flames dancing for him. After a long time he pulled out an old photograph, which he had slipped inside his robes earlier that day. He sat for the rest evening watching the gentle rise and fall of a sleeping man.
***
Thanks for reading... please review.
Author's note: The last paragraph of Sirius's letter is from a piece I think is entitled 'I love you' by Roy Croft. I discovered it many year ago and thought it was the most wonderful description of how someone can fundamentally change the way you feel about yourself by just loving you.
