New! Chapter Four! Now with More Rats!!! (beware the mind that uses triple exclamation points)
I realize I should have mentioned this earlier, but really don't read this chapter if you're still planning on reading The Amazing Maurice for the first time at some point. Have a cliffhanger at this point in my story while you go out and buy some real PTerryism.
Note: I didn't realize when I wrote the first chapter how badly I was restricting my time frame. Events in this story do not necessarily happen in the order in which they are written. Most of them do, though. I think it all works if you move the last scene of the first chapter to somewhere in this one. If you notice any discrepancies that can't be easily shuffled with and fixed, let me know.
Oh, and in the very first scene, Cornflakes should say "Good morning."
***
Chapter Four
They met up with Darktan in the cellar under Harga's House of Ribs, for a snack before venturing out into the city again.
"This is so strange," said Apply Liberally. "It feels wrong to be eating this human-place's food without asking. It's stealing. Back home we would have to arrest ourselves."
"I know," said Cornflakes, "But remember, there is no contract here. These people are used to having rats steal from them." He looked hesitantly at the interesting mass they were eating. What wasn't grease was unidentifiable. "Besides, I don't think it counts if most humans wouldn't consider it food anyway."
"True," said Darktan, contemplating the blob as well. "So," he continued, "What have you got to report? Did you get any information?"
"Yes, sir!" they said.
The Liutenant began. "I encountered two local watchmen, including their Commander, a man named Vimes. He told me that he had seen rats living in the palace dungeons, and the ruler of the city uses them as spies and servants."
"Good! What about you, Apply Liberally?"
"I was nearly attacked by a gnome, and I almost got scared and ran away, but I got out my sword and bit him with it first. He's like a little rat catcher! He got mad at me, and said that this is his territory, and that talking rats belong in the palace."
Just then three more rats came running down the walls. Darktan looked up, but even if he didn't know the smell of Sardines so well, he would have known from the swords and badges, and of course the little hat, that these were no ordinary rats.
"Sorry I'm late, Boss," said Sardines from under the rim of his tiny straw hat. "There are a lot of rooftops to run in this city!"
"Having fun, I see?" Darktan said.
"Righto, Boss!"
"Except for the trouble with the gargoyle," said Bestbefore, who was a more sensible old rat.
"He nearly ate us!" said Lance-Constable Bitesize, who was visibly trying to be excited about it instead of nervous. Bitesize was a young rat, and had never been in the city before.
"But he eventually got it through his stone head that we were watchbeings, and then he was glad to help us. He was on guard duty too," said Bestbefore.
"His name was Downspout. He showed us the city that we could see. There was a lot. We were really high up. I've never been that high up. I've never even seen anything as tall as that building. Until we were up there. There were lots of taller things we could see. Like the Tower of Art. And the Barbican. And the Palace."
"All right, slow down, Bitesize!" Darktan said. "That's enough information for one breath. He told you where the palace was?"
"Yes, sir!"
"That's exactly what we need!"
***
They went to the Palace. As they made their way through the city, they didn't see very many other rats. They remembered that kee-kees, rats that squeak but don't talk, usually avoided them. There hadn't been any in Bad Blintz in a long time.
"We should be getting near the palace, and the smell of rats is getting stronger," said Darktan. "Keep a lookout for anything that doesn't smell like running away."
They crawled through a crumbling part of a brick wall, and found themselves in a cellar that seemed slightly less dank and abandoned. A black rat sat near the opposite wall. It looked at them, and their badges and swords, and said, "Who are you? You are not one of our clan. And you are wearing human things."
They stared at each other for a moment. There was going to be more to this meeting than the smell, the way it always had been when they met new rats, just the smell. The Clan had all changed together. Now they needed first words. This was going to take some adjustment. But Darktan had adjusted to worse, like diplomatic meetings with humans who asked if they could pick him up to talk to him.
"Hello, I am Darktan, leader of another clan. We live in a far away town, but we came to talk with you. Can you tell me who leads your clan?"
"My name is Vrrkeh," she said. She smelled nervous. "Rth!" she squeaked into a hole in the wall behind her. "Get Skrp! We have some visitors!"
******
Lord Downey gaped at the sheet in front of him. "You've accepted a contract on - on Vetinari?" He was struck speechless for a moment, his well-trimmed black beard bobbing up and down. "But - but the patrician...." He collected himself. "That is, it's not that I particularly like the way he runs the city, but he does run it. Are you sure this contract is a wise choice?"
"As you yourself taught me, sir, it's the money that matters, above everything else. My client is prepared to pay more than the set price of one million dollars. And a contract is a contract."
"And you've read the school records on him, of course? Know his abilities? If you'll recall, also, there was an entire weekend seminar in the Guild hall two years ago; I believe it was entitled, 'The Many Reasons Not to Accept a Contract Against Vetinari?'"
"Yes, sir. I am quite aware of the implications of this contract, and the danger it places me in." He smiled, and as always, it appeared completely benign. "The same stakes as always, Lord Downey. Just a little heavier than you're used to carrying."
Downey cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I suppose all I have to say now, Rupert, is that your career as an assassin cannot go farther than this. With this contract, you will either hit the top, or the bottom. Fatally. I cannot say which it will be, although I think the latter much more probable."
"Believe what you will, Downey. And my name is Mantis." He grinned cheerfully at the guild leader, and slipped out the window and up onto the roof, avoiding the seventeen poisoned traps without much thought.
I realize I should have mentioned this earlier, but really don't read this chapter if you're still planning on reading The Amazing Maurice for the first time at some point. Have a cliffhanger at this point in my story while you go out and buy some real PTerryism.
Note: I didn't realize when I wrote the first chapter how badly I was restricting my time frame. Events in this story do not necessarily happen in the order in which they are written. Most of them do, though. I think it all works if you move the last scene of the first chapter to somewhere in this one. If you notice any discrepancies that can't be easily shuffled with and fixed, let me know.
Oh, and in the very first scene, Cornflakes should say "Good morning."
***
Chapter Four
They met up with Darktan in the cellar under Harga's House of Ribs, for a snack before venturing out into the city again.
"This is so strange," said Apply Liberally. "It feels wrong to be eating this human-place's food without asking. It's stealing. Back home we would have to arrest ourselves."
"I know," said Cornflakes, "But remember, there is no contract here. These people are used to having rats steal from them." He looked hesitantly at the interesting mass they were eating. What wasn't grease was unidentifiable. "Besides, I don't think it counts if most humans wouldn't consider it food anyway."
"True," said Darktan, contemplating the blob as well. "So," he continued, "What have you got to report? Did you get any information?"
"Yes, sir!" they said.
The Liutenant began. "I encountered two local watchmen, including their Commander, a man named Vimes. He told me that he had seen rats living in the palace dungeons, and the ruler of the city uses them as spies and servants."
"Good! What about you, Apply Liberally?"
"I was nearly attacked by a gnome, and I almost got scared and ran away, but I got out my sword and bit him with it first. He's like a little rat catcher! He got mad at me, and said that this is his territory, and that talking rats belong in the palace."
Just then three more rats came running down the walls. Darktan looked up, but even if he didn't know the smell of Sardines so well, he would have known from the swords and badges, and of course the little hat, that these were no ordinary rats.
"Sorry I'm late, Boss," said Sardines from under the rim of his tiny straw hat. "There are a lot of rooftops to run in this city!"
"Having fun, I see?" Darktan said.
"Righto, Boss!"
"Except for the trouble with the gargoyle," said Bestbefore, who was a more sensible old rat.
"He nearly ate us!" said Lance-Constable Bitesize, who was visibly trying to be excited about it instead of nervous. Bitesize was a young rat, and had never been in the city before.
"But he eventually got it through his stone head that we were watchbeings, and then he was glad to help us. He was on guard duty too," said Bestbefore.
"His name was Downspout. He showed us the city that we could see. There was a lot. We were really high up. I've never been that high up. I've never even seen anything as tall as that building. Until we were up there. There were lots of taller things we could see. Like the Tower of Art. And the Barbican. And the Palace."
"All right, slow down, Bitesize!" Darktan said. "That's enough information for one breath. He told you where the palace was?"
"Yes, sir!"
"That's exactly what we need!"
***
They went to the Palace. As they made their way through the city, they didn't see very many other rats. They remembered that kee-kees, rats that squeak but don't talk, usually avoided them. There hadn't been any in Bad Blintz in a long time.
"We should be getting near the palace, and the smell of rats is getting stronger," said Darktan. "Keep a lookout for anything that doesn't smell like running away."
They crawled through a crumbling part of a brick wall, and found themselves in a cellar that seemed slightly less dank and abandoned. A black rat sat near the opposite wall. It looked at them, and their badges and swords, and said, "Who are you? You are not one of our clan. And you are wearing human things."
They stared at each other for a moment. There was going to be more to this meeting than the smell, the way it always had been when they met new rats, just the smell. The Clan had all changed together. Now they needed first words. This was going to take some adjustment. But Darktan had adjusted to worse, like diplomatic meetings with humans who asked if they could pick him up to talk to him.
"Hello, I am Darktan, leader of another clan. We live in a far away town, but we came to talk with you. Can you tell me who leads your clan?"
"My name is Vrrkeh," she said. She smelled nervous. "Rth!" she squeaked into a hole in the wall behind her. "Get Skrp! We have some visitors!"
******
Lord Downey gaped at the sheet in front of him. "You've accepted a contract on - on Vetinari?" He was struck speechless for a moment, his well-trimmed black beard bobbing up and down. "But - but the patrician...." He collected himself. "That is, it's not that I particularly like the way he runs the city, but he does run it. Are you sure this contract is a wise choice?"
"As you yourself taught me, sir, it's the money that matters, above everything else. My client is prepared to pay more than the set price of one million dollars. And a contract is a contract."
"And you've read the school records on him, of course? Know his abilities? If you'll recall, also, there was an entire weekend seminar in the Guild hall two years ago; I believe it was entitled, 'The Many Reasons Not to Accept a Contract Against Vetinari?'"
"Yes, sir. I am quite aware of the implications of this contract, and the danger it places me in." He smiled, and as always, it appeared completely benign. "The same stakes as always, Lord Downey. Just a little heavier than you're used to carrying."
Downey cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I suppose all I have to say now, Rupert, is that your career as an assassin cannot go farther than this. With this contract, you will either hit the top, or the bottom. Fatally. I cannot say which it will be, although I think the latter much more probable."
"Believe what you will, Downey. And my name is Mantis." He grinned cheerfully at the guild leader, and slipped out the window and up onto the roof, avoiding the seventeen poisoned traps without much thought.
