[The next day]
HARRY: The seaside locations are alive with the sound of--
[tap tap tap]
HARRY: HAGRID! There's an owl outside the window!
DUDLEY (OC): No there isn't!
HARRY: How do you know!
DUDLEY: They're nocturnal! Owls aren't morning glories, you plebian! NOCTURNAL, I TELL YOU!
HARRY: Hagrid, it's holding a newspaper!
DUDLEY: No it isn't!
HAGRID: Give it some money. It wants payment for the newspaper.
DUDLEY: Doesn't!
HAGRID: Want some matching ears to go with that pig's tail?
[silence]
HAGRID: Best be setting off.
HARRY: Can I have some breakfast?
HAGRID: Have some cake.
HARRY: Wheeeee! Cool powers, secret worlds, lax nutritional values....wizards are the best!
HAGRID: *belch*
HARRY: So, we stopping by Neiman Marcus or Bloomie's? There's a lovely sweater set I saw at this little boutique just off the corner of--
HAGRID: We're going to Diagon Alley, of course!
HARRY: Oooh, some hip, trendy new designer?
HAGRID: ....I'm beginning to worry about that time you spent in the closet.
HARRY: [cough] So, where's this Diagon Alley, eh?
HAGRID: Well, we're going to stop in at the Leaky Cauldron. Famous place! Then it's off to get your school supplies. Check the list.
HARRY: Robes.....hat........gloves......cauldron.......Cher tapes?
HAGRID: Er, got to pick up something for Dumbledore.
HARRY: ...
HAGRID: Right, here we are!
HARRY: Bit of a dump, isn't it?
HAGRID: Best be going now!
RANDOM WIZARD: Hey! You're Harry Potter! Sign my kid's book, please!
RANDOM WITCH: [flashes Harry]
HARRY: AHHHHHHHHCCCCCHHHHH!
HAGRID: [taps random bricks on the wall out back]
HARRY: Why does that tapping sound suspiciously like the bass line to a Spice Girls song?
HAGRID: Oh look, Diagon Alley!
HARRY: SPIFFY! Look at all that stuff.....ew, squishy.
HAGRID: Best not touch that. Last fellow who did, well, I heard he ended up begging the Apothecary for some er.....'magic' enhancer.
HARRY: Ouch. So, Hagrid.....I'm poor.
HAGRID: Are not.
HARRY: Really? YESSS!
HAGRID: Here we are, Gringotts bank.
HARRY: Wow. Are those goblins?
HAGRID: Yep. Run the whole thing. Wouldn't want to cross them.
HARRY: So why haven't the goblins just staged a revolt and stolen all the money?
RANDOM GOBLIN: What was that?
HAGRID: Nothing!
GRIPHOOK: Follow me.
HARRY: Are we blindingly following a rather ugly creature miles below the surface of the Earth on a rickety cart?
HAGRID: Yes.
HARRY: Just making sure we're on the same page.
GRIPHOOK: Here we are!
HARRY: SCORE! I'M TOTALLY LOADED!
HAGRID: Here, let me get you some for the year..
GRIPHOOK: Now, onto the Big Tall Man's vault.
HAGRID: [nervous]
HARRY: What's that you slipped in your pocket just now?
HAGRID: Eh? Oh.....uh....pocketwatch. Time to go shopping!
[exeunt HAGRID and HARRY]
RANDOM GOBLIN: Hey guys, that one kid with the messy hair had an idea just now...
---------
HAGRID: So, I have to go get wildly dru---I have to recover from that wild ride. I'll be at the Leaky Cauldron. Go get some robes over there!
HARRY: Er...okay.
MADAM MALKIN: Here for your robes? Just stand over there with the young man serving perfectly as a physical and emotional juxtaposition to yourself!
DRACO MALFOY: Hello.
HARRY: Hi.
DRACO: Muggles suck. People from Muggle families suck. Were your parents Muggles?
HARRY: No.
DRACO: Good. Don't like the others. Well. See you at Hogwarts. I 'spect I'll be in Slytherin. Whole family's been in there for ages.
HARRY: [vague nod]
MADAM MALKIN: There you go! All done!
HARRY: I don't like him!
HAGRID: Who?
HARRY: Draco Malfoy, the boy in there!
HAGRID: Ew. Malfoy.
HARRY: He went on about all this stuff I didn't know about, and....
HAGRID: I bought you an owl! Happy Birthday!
HARRY: Woo-hoo! I'll name her Hedwig!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH: [snicker]
HARRY: What's that noise?
HAGRID: Sorry. Well, here's yer ticket. See you at Hogwarts!
HARRY: Say wha-- Where'd he go?
---------
HARRY: Uncle, can you take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow?
MR DURSLEY: Yes.
HARRY: Oh. Thanks.
--------
HARRY: Okay, Platform 9 3/4. Hey..where is it?
MUGGLE: What are you on? There's no Platform 9 3/4!
HARRY: Oh dear.
RANDOM WOMAN: Packed with Muggles...
HARRY: Hurrah! Excuse me Random Witch, how do I get through the barrier?
RANDOM WOMAN: Oh! Hallo there, dear! 4/7 of my brethren are off to Hogwarts as well! Watch them!
[BRETHREN run through the wall]
RON: Hi! I'm new to Hogwarts this year too.
HARRY: Cool. Hi.
[HARRY runs through the barrier]
HARRY: Oooh....big red train.
-------
[on train]
RON: Mind if I sit here?
HARRY: No problem.
[insert MALE BONDING]
HERMIONE GRANGER: Hi! I'm smarter than you!
RON: ...
HERMIONE: Well.....bye now!
DRACO: Hey you again.
HARRY: Hey.
DRACO: So, you're Harry Potter?
HARRY: Yes.
DRACO: Don't hang with him, he's rubbish.
RON: [loathe]
HARRY: I can figure it out for myself, thanks.
RON: Yeah! I mean....hey......wait a minute!
DRACO: Losers.
RON: Bugger off!
CRABBE AND GOYLE: [raise fists]
SCABBERS: [chomp]
CRABBE OR GOYLE: Ahh! Your rat bit me!
SCABBERS: [falls asleep]
RON: Haha. Wow, my rat sucks!
[exeunt DRACO, CRABBE, GOYLE]
HARRY: Hey, we're here! How's my hair?
----------
HARRY: The seaside locations are alive with the sound of--
[tap tap tap]
HARRY: HAGRID! There's an owl outside the window!
DUDLEY (OC): No there isn't!
HARRY: How do you know!
DUDLEY: They're nocturnal! Owls aren't morning glories, you plebian! NOCTURNAL, I TELL YOU!
HARRY: Hagrid, it's holding a newspaper!
DUDLEY: No it isn't!
HAGRID: Give it some money. It wants payment for the newspaper.
DUDLEY: Doesn't!
HAGRID: Want some matching ears to go with that pig's tail?
[silence]
HAGRID: Best be setting off.
HARRY: Can I have some breakfast?
HAGRID: Have some cake.
HARRY: Wheeeee! Cool powers, secret worlds, lax nutritional values....wizards are the best!
HAGRID: *belch*
HARRY: So, we stopping by Neiman Marcus or Bloomie's? There's a lovely sweater set I saw at this little boutique just off the corner of--
HAGRID: We're going to Diagon Alley, of course!
HARRY: Oooh, some hip, trendy new designer?
HAGRID: ....I'm beginning to worry about that time you spent in the closet.
HARRY: [cough] So, where's this Diagon Alley, eh?
HAGRID: Well, we're going to stop in at the Leaky Cauldron. Famous place! Then it's off to get your school supplies. Check the list.
HARRY: Robes.....hat........gloves......cauldron.......Cher tapes?
HAGRID: Er, got to pick up something for Dumbledore.
HARRY: ...
HAGRID: Right, here we are!
HARRY: Bit of a dump, isn't it?
HAGRID: Best be going now!
RANDOM WIZARD: Hey! You're Harry Potter! Sign my kid's book, please!
RANDOM WITCH: [flashes Harry]
HARRY: AHHHHHHHHCCCCCHHHHH!
HAGRID: [taps random bricks on the wall out back]
HARRY: Why does that tapping sound suspiciously like the bass line to a Spice Girls song?
HAGRID: Oh look, Diagon Alley!
HARRY: SPIFFY! Look at all that stuff.....ew, squishy.
HAGRID: Best not touch that. Last fellow who did, well, I heard he ended up begging the Apothecary for some er.....'magic' enhancer.
HARRY: Ouch. So, Hagrid.....I'm poor.
HAGRID: Are not.
HARRY: Really? YESSS!
HAGRID: Here we are, Gringotts bank.
HARRY: Wow. Are those goblins?
HAGRID: Yep. Run the whole thing. Wouldn't want to cross them.
HARRY: So why haven't the goblins just staged a revolt and stolen all the money?
RANDOM GOBLIN: What was that?
HAGRID: Nothing!
GRIPHOOK: Follow me.
HARRY: Are we blindingly following a rather ugly creature miles below the surface of the Earth on a rickety cart?
HAGRID: Yes.
HARRY: Just making sure we're on the same page.
GRIPHOOK: Here we are!
HARRY: SCORE! I'M TOTALLY LOADED!
HAGRID: Here, let me get you some for the year..
GRIPHOOK: Now, onto the Big Tall Man's vault.
HAGRID: [nervous]
HARRY: What's that you slipped in your pocket just now?
HAGRID: Eh? Oh.....uh....pocketwatch. Time to go shopping!
[exeunt HAGRID and HARRY]
RANDOM GOBLIN: Hey guys, that one kid with the messy hair had an idea just now...
---------
HAGRID: So, I have to go get wildly dru---I have to recover from that wild ride. I'll be at the Leaky Cauldron. Go get some robes over there!
HARRY: Er...okay.
MADAM MALKIN: Here for your robes? Just stand over there with the young man serving perfectly as a physical and emotional juxtaposition to yourself!
DRACO MALFOY: Hello.
HARRY: Hi.
DRACO: Muggles suck. People from Muggle families suck. Were your parents Muggles?
HARRY: No.
DRACO: Good. Don't like the others. Well. See you at Hogwarts. I 'spect I'll be in Slytherin. Whole family's been in there for ages.
HARRY: [vague nod]
MADAM MALKIN: There you go! All done!
HARRY: I don't like him!
HAGRID: Who?
HARRY: Draco Malfoy, the boy in there!
HAGRID: Ew. Malfoy.
HARRY: He went on about all this stuff I didn't know about, and....
HAGRID: I bought you an owl! Happy Birthday!
HARRY: Woo-hoo! I'll name her Hedwig!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH: [snicker]
HARRY: What's that noise?
HAGRID: Sorry. Well, here's yer ticket. See you at Hogwarts!
HARRY: Say wha-- Where'd he go?
---------
HARRY: Uncle, can you take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow?
MR DURSLEY: Yes.
HARRY: Oh. Thanks.
--------
HARRY: Okay, Platform 9 3/4. Hey..where is it?
MUGGLE: What are you on? There's no Platform 9 3/4!
HARRY: Oh dear.
RANDOM WOMAN: Packed with Muggles...
HARRY: Hurrah! Excuse me Random Witch, how do I get through the barrier?
RANDOM WOMAN: Oh! Hallo there, dear! 4/7 of my brethren are off to Hogwarts as well! Watch them!
[BRETHREN run through the wall]
RON: Hi! I'm new to Hogwarts this year too.
HARRY: Cool. Hi.
[HARRY runs through the barrier]
HARRY: Oooh....big red train.
-------
[on train]
RON: Mind if I sit here?
HARRY: No problem.
[insert MALE BONDING]
HERMIONE GRANGER: Hi! I'm smarter than you!
RON: ...
HERMIONE: Well.....bye now!
DRACO: Hey you again.
HARRY: Hey.
DRACO: So, you're Harry Potter?
HARRY: Yes.
DRACO: Don't hang with him, he's rubbish.
RON: [loathe]
HARRY: I can figure it out for myself, thanks.
RON: Yeah! I mean....hey......wait a minute!
DRACO: Losers.
RON: Bugger off!
CRABBE AND GOYLE: [raise fists]
SCABBERS: [chomp]
CRABBE OR GOYLE: Ahh! Your rat bit me!
SCABBERS: [falls asleep]
RON: Haha. Wow, my rat sucks!
[exeunt DRACO, CRABBE, GOYLE]
HARRY: Hey, we're here! How's my hair?
----------
