[The next day]

HARRY: The seaside locations are alive with the sound of--

[tap tap tap]

HARRY: HAGRID! There's an owl outside the window!

DUDLEY (OC): No there isn't!

HARRY: How do you know!

DUDLEY: They're nocturnal! Owls aren't morning glories, you plebian! NOCTURNAL, I TELL YOU!

HARRY: Hagrid, it's holding a newspaper!

DUDLEY: No it isn't!

HAGRID: Give it some money. It wants payment for the newspaper.

DUDLEY: Doesn't!

HAGRID: Want some matching ears to go with that pig's tail?

[silence]

HAGRID: Best be setting off.

HARRY: Can I have some breakfast?

HAGRID: Have some cake.

HARRY: Wheeeee! Cool powers, secret worlds, lax nutritional values....wizards are the best!

HAGRID: *belch*

HARRY: So, we stopping by Neiman Marcus or Bloomie's? There's a lovely sweater set I saw at this little boutique just off the corner of--

HAGRID: We're going to Diagon Alley, of course!

HARRY: Oooh, some hip, trendy new designer?

HAGRID: ....I'm beginning to worry about that time you spent in the closet.

HARRY: [cough] So, where's this Diagon Alley, eh?

HAGRID: Well, we're going to stop in at the Leaky Cauldron. Famous place! Then it's off to get your school supplies. Check the list.

HARRY: Robes.....hat........gloves......cauldron.......Cher tapes?

HAGRID: Er, got to pick up something for Dumbledore.

HARRY: ...

HAGRID: Right, here we are!

HARRY: Bit of a dump, isn't it?

HAGRID: Best be going now!

RANDOM WIZARD: Hey! You're Harry Potter! Sign my kid's book, please!

RANDOM WITCH: [flashes Harry]

HARRY: AHHHHHHHHCCCCCHHHHH!

HAGRID: [taps random bricks on the wall out back]

HARRY: Why does that tapping sound suspiciously like the bass line to a Spice Girls song?

HAGRID: Oh look, Diagon Alley!

HARRY: SPIFFY! Look at all that stuff.....ew, squishy.

HAGRID: Best not touch that. Last fellow who did, well, I heard he ended up begging the Apothecary for some er.....'magic' enhancer.

HARRY: Ouch. So, Hagrid.....I'm poor.

HAGRID: Are not.

HARRY: Really? YESSS!

HAGRID: Here we are, Gringotts bank.

HARRY: Wow. Are those goblins?

HAGRID: Yep. Run the whole thing. Wouldn't want to cross them.

HARRY: So why haven't the goblins just staged a revolt and stolen all the money?

RANDOM GOBLIN: What was that?

HAGRID: Nothing!

GRIPHOOK: Follow me.

HARRY: Are we blindingly following a rather ugly creature miles below the surface of the Earth on a rickety cart?

HAGRID: Yes.

HARRY: Just making sure we're on the same page.

GRIPHOOK: Here we are!

HARRY: SCORE! I'M TOTALLY LOADED!

HAGRID: Here, let me get you some for the year..

GRIPHOOK: Now, onto the Big Tall Man's vault.

HAGRID: [nervous]

HARRY: What's that you slipped in your pocket just now?

HAGRID: Eh? Oh.....uh....pocketwatch. Time to go shopping!

[exeunt HAGRID and HARRY]

RANDOM GOBLIN: Hey guys, that one kid with the messy hair had an idea just now...

---------

HAGRID: So, I have to go get wildly dru---I have to recover from that wild ride. I'll be at the Leaky Cauldron. Go get some robes over there!

HARRY: Er...okay.

MADAM MALKIN: Here for your robes? Just stand over there with the young man serving perfectly as a physical and emotional juxtaposition to yourself!

DRACO MALFOY: Hello.

HARRY: Hi.

DRACO: Muggles suck. People from Muggle families suck. Were your parents Muggles?

HARRY: No.

DRACO: Good. Don't like the others. Well. See you at Hogwarts. I 'spect I'll be in Slytherin. Whole family's been in there for ages.

HARRY: [vague nod]

MADAM MALKIN: There you go! All done!

HARRY: I don't like him!

HAGRID: Who?

HARRY: Draco Malfoy, the boy in there!

HAGRID: Ew. Malfoy.

HARRY: He went on about all this stuff I didn't know about, and....

HAGRID: I bought you an owl! Happy Birthday!

HARRY: Woo-hoo! I'll name her Hedwig!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH: [snicker]

HARRY: What's that noise?

HAGRID: Sorry. Well, here's yer ticket. See you at Hogwarts!

HARRY: Say wha-- Where'd he go?

---------

HARRY: Uncle, can you take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow?

MR DURSLEY: Yes.

HARRY: Oh. Thanks.

--------

HARRY: Okay, Platform 9 3/4. Hey..where is it?

MUGGLE: What are you on? There's no Platform 9 3/4!

HARRY: Oh dear.

RANDOM WOMAN: Packed with Muggles...

HARRY: Hurrah! Excuse me Random Witch, how do I get through the barrier?

RANDOM WOMAN: Oh! Hallo there, dear! 4/7 of my brethren are off to Hogwarts as well! Watch them!

[BRETHREN run through the wall]

RON: Hi! I'm new to Hogwarts this year too.

HARRY: Cool. Hi.

[HARRY runs through the barrier]

HARRY: Oooh....big red train.

-------

[on train]

RON: Mind if I sit here?

HARRY: No problem.

[insert MALE BONDING]

HERMIONE GRANGER: Hi! I'm smarter than you!

RON: ...

HERMIONE: Well.....bye now!

DRACO: Hey you again.

HARRY: Hey.

DRACO: So, you're Harry Potter?

HARRY: Yes.

DRACO: Don't hang with him, he's rubbish.

RON: [loathe]

HARRY: I can figure it out for myself, thanks.

RON: Yeah! I mean....hey......wait a minute!

DRACO: Losers.

RON: Bugger off!

CRABBE AND GOYLE: [raise fists]

SCABBERS: [chomp]

CRABBE OR GOYLE: Ahh! Your rat bit me!

SCABBERS: [falls asleep]

RON: Haha. Wow, my rat sucks!

[exeunt DRACO, CRABBE, GOYLE]

HARRY: Hey, we're here! How's my hair?

----------