And now it's time for the SUPER-ULTRA-CONDENSED HARRY POTTER!
SINGING HAT: Hi! You go into the Gryffindor house!
HARRY: Hey, I'm in the same house as Ron and Hermione!
RON: Hey, someone broke into Gringotts on your birthday!
HARRY: They broke into the vault Hagrid emptied while I was there!
[sound of Foreshadowing flying in]
PROFESSOR SNAPE: I don't like you, Potter.
MADAM HOOCH: Today we start our flying lessons. Be carefu--
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: AAAAHHH! I'm flying away! I'm going to land hundreds of miles away and be eaten by Alsatians!
[NEVILLE falls off broom with sickening crunch]
HOOCH: Don't move, any of you!
MALFOY: Whee! I have Neville's magic thingy! [zooms around on broomstick]
HARRY: Gimme that! WHEEE! Flying is fun!
MALFOY: Catch!
HARRY: Time for a spectacular dive!
[HARRY does a spectacular dive]
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Oh my broomstick, Potter, I'm putting you on the Quidditch team!
HARRY: How do you play Quidditch?
OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I'm the team captain for Gryffindor. There's lots of rules for Quidditch, which is like throwing soccer, basketball, and rugby in a stew, boiling them together, letting them simmer for fifteen minutes, adding rosemary, eating, and throwing it all back up again!
HARRY: Lovely.
WOOD: But all that matters is that you catch this--the golden Snitch!
HARRY: Whee! I'm really good!
WOOD: Indeed. Woo-ha! We're gonna win the House Cup this year!
[Foreshadowing makes a squawky noise in the back row]
-------
HARRY: Hey Ron, let's you and me sneak around tonight!
HERMIONE: Hey, you two! I have to come along too!
HARRY AND RON: Why?
HERMIONE: [sigh] Oh *honestly*. Everyone knows you have to go on dangerous adventures with little or no protection and the threat of great bodily harm in THREES!
HARRY AND RON: Oh yeah! Let's go in the corridor we were specifically told not to enter.
FLUFFY THE THREE HEADED DOG: Growl! Arr! Drool!
HARRY AND RON AND HERMIONE: AAAAAHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RETREEEEEAAAT!
HERMIONE: It was standing on a trapdoor!
RON: I'm going to be ill, I think.
----------
PROFESSOR QUIRRELL: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!
DUMBLEDORE: Don't panic!
STUDENTS: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! PANIC!
HARRY AND RON: Hey, isn't Hermione in the dungeon?
---------
TROLL: Grunt! Rrrr!
HARRY: Well, someone's in a bad mood because they didn't exfoliate this morning!
RON:....
HARRY: Hey look, it's heading toward Hermione!
TROLL: Grunt!
HARRY: You know if you used a milk-based cleanser, it could really start to heal that dry skin of yours. May I suggest--
TROLL: GRUNT!
HARRY: AAAHH! TALL DISGRUNTLED CREATURE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A DERMATOLOGIST'S CONSULTATION CHASING AFTER ME WITH A CLUB!
BANG! ZAP! BOOM! WHAP! BOOSH! BING! ZIP! FOOSH!
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: What's going on here?
HERMIONE: They saved me!
MCGONAGALL: Good show! Here, have some house points!
HARRY AND RON: Score!
---------
WOOD: Time for Quidditch!
HARRY: Aaaahhh! My broomstick is moving! WHYY???
HERMIONE: Aaah! Snape's jinxing the broom!
RON: That sucks. Lemme go get the mattress and run under Harry.
HERMIONE: I got a better idea!
[HERMIONE lights SNAPE on fire, knocks over QUIRRELL]
HARRY: Woo! That was clo--ACKH!
HAGRID: Did Harry just swallow a bug?
HARRY: Oooh! The Snitch!
HOOCH: Gryffindor wins!
STUDENTS: Hurray!
--------
CHRISTMAS
HARRY: Oooh, presents!
RON: What'd you get?
HARRY: A bulky sweater from your mom, candy, an Invisibility Cloak, and a subscription to Martha Stewart Living! Best. Christmas. Ever.
----------
HARRY: Let's go sneaking dangerously around the castle!
RON: Okay!
[HARRY and RON sneak around the castle]
DRACO: I'm telling!
MCGONAGALL: I'm giving all three of you detention!
----------
HAGRID: Welcome to the Forbidden Forest. Something's hurting the unicorns, time to find what it is!
HARRY: And you're letting 11 year olds do this why?
DRACO: AAAHHH! SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY! AAAAHHH! RUN AWAY!
HARRY: Voldemort? Is that you?
SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY: [flies away]
HARRY: Why don't you call? ONE NIGHT AND YOU JUST DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY? I NEVER HEARD OF YOU AGAIN! WE HAVE ISSUES! COME BACK! I'M SCARRED EMOTIONALLY TOO, YOU KNOW!
HAGRID: I think it's time for decaf, Harry.
SINGING HAT: Hi! You go into the Gryffindor house!
HARRY: Hey, I'm in the same house as Ron and Hermione!
RON: Hey, someone broke into Gringotts on your birthday!
HARRY: They broke into the vault Hagrid emptied while I was there!
[sound of Foreshadowing flying in]
PROFESSOR SNAPE: I don't like you, Potter.
MADAM HOOCH: Today we start our flying lessons. Be carefu--
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: AAAAHHH! I'm flying away! I'm going to land hundreds of miles away and be eaten by Alsatians!
[NEVILLE falls off broom with sickening crunch]
HOOCH: Don't move, any of you!
MALFOY: Whee! I have Neville's magic thingy! [zooms around on broomstick]
HARRY: Gimme that! WHEEE! Flying is fun!
MALFOY: Catch!
HARRY: Time for a spectacular dive!
[HARRY does a spectacular dive]
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Oh my broomstick, Potter, I'm putting you on the Quidditch team!
HARRY: How do you play Quidditch?
OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I'm the team captain for Gryffindor. There's lots of rules for Quidditch, which is like throwing soccer, basketball, and rugby in a stew, boiling them together, letting them simmer for fifteen minutes, adding rosemary, eating, and throwing it all back up again!
HARRY: Lovely.
WOOD: But all that matters is that you catch this--the golden Snitch!
HARRY: Whee! I'm really good!
WOOD: Indeed. Woo-ha! We're gonna win the House Cup this year!
[Foreshadowing makes a squawky noise in the back row]
-------
HARRY: Hey Ron, let's you and me sneak around tonight!
HERMIONE: Hey, you two! I have to come along too!
HARRY AND RON: Why?
HERMIONE: [sigh] Oh *honestly*. Everyone knows you have to go on dangerous adventures with little or no protection and the threat of great bodily harm in THREES!
HARRY AND RON: Oh yeah! Let's go in the corridor we were specifically told not to enter.
FLUFFY THE THREE HEADED DOG: Growl! Arr! Drool!
HARRY AND RON AND HERMIONE: AAAAAHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RETREEEEEAAAT!
HERMIONE: It was standing on a trapdoor!
RON: I'm going to be ill, I think.
----------
PROFESSOR QUIRRELL: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!
DUMBLEDORE: Don't panic!
STUDENTS: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! PANIC!
HARRY AND RON: Hey, isn't Hermione in the dungeon?
---------
TROLL: Grunt! Rrrr!
HARRY: Well, someone's in a bad mood because they didn't exfoliate this morning!
RON:....
HARRY: Hey look, it's heading toward Hermione!
TROLL: Grunt!
HARRY: You know if you used a milk-based cleanser, it could really start to heal that dry skin of yours. May I suggest--
TROLL: GRUNT!
HARRY: AAAHH! TALL DISGRUNTLED CREATURE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A DERMATOLOGIST'S CONSULTATION CHASING AFTER ME WITH A CLUB!
BANG! ZAP! BOOM! WHAP! BOOSH! BING! ZIP! FOOSH!
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: What's going on here?
HERMIONE: They saved me!
MCGONAGALL: Good show! Here, have some house points!
HARRY AND RON: Score!
---------
WOOD: Time for Quidditch!
HARRY: Aaaahhh! My broomstick is moving! WHYY???
HERMIONE: Aaah! Snape's jinxing the broom!
RON: That sucks. Lemme go get the mattress and run under Harry.
HERMIONE: I got a better idea!
[HERMIONE lights SNAPE on fire, knocks over QUIRRELL]
HARRY: Woo! That was clo--ACKH!
HAGRID: Did Harry just swallow a bug?
HARRY: Oooh! The Snitch!
HOOCH: Gryffindor wins!
STUDENTS: Hurray!
--------
CHRISTMAS
HARRY: Oooh, presents!
RON: What'd you get?
HARRY: A bulky sweater from your mom, candy, an Invisibility Cloak, and a subscription to Martha Stewart Living! Best. Christmas. Ever.
----------
HARRY: Let's go sneaking dangerously around the castle!
RON: Okay!
[HARRY and RON sneak around the castle]
DRACO: I'm telling!
MCGONAGALL: I'm giving all three of you detention!
----------
HAGRID: Welcome to the Forbidden Forest. Something's hurting the unicorns, time to find what it is!
HARRY: And you're letting 11 year olds do this why?
DRACO: AAAHHH! SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY! AAAAHHH! RUN AWAY!
HARRY: Voldemort? Is that you?
SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY: [flies away]
HARRY: Why don't you call? ONE NIGHT AND YOU JUST DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY? I NEVER HEARD OF YOU AGAIN! WE HAVE ISSUES! COME BACK! I'M SCARRED EMOTIONALLY TOO, YOU KNOW!
HAGRID: I think it's time for decaf, Harry.
