And now it's time for the SUPER-ULTRA-CONDENSED HARRY POTTER!

SINGING HAT: Hi! You go into the Gryffindor house!

HARRY: Hey, I'm in the same house as Ron and Hermione!

RON: Hey, someone broke into Gringotts on your birthday!

HARRY: They broke into the vault Hagrid emptied while I was there!

[sound of Foreshadowing flying in]

PROFESSOR SNAPE: I don't like you, Potter.

MADAM HOOCH: Today we start our flying lessons. Be carefu--

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: AAAAHHH! I'm flying away! I'm going to land hundreds of miles away and be eaten by Alsatians!

[NEVILLE falls off broom with sickening crunch]

HOOCH: Don't move, any of you!

MALFOY: Whee! I have Neville's magic thingy! [zooms around on broomstick]

HARRY: Gimme that! WHEEE! Flying is fun!

MALFOY: Catch!

HARRY: Time for a spectacular dive!

[HARRY does a spectacular dive]

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Oh my broomstick, Potter, I'm putting you on the Quidditch team!

HARRY: How do you play Quidditch?

OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I'm the team captain for Gryffindor. There's lots of rules for Quidditch, which is like throwing soccer, basketball, and rugby in a stew, boiling them together, letting them simmer for fifteen minutes, adding rosemary, eating, and throwing it all back up again!

HARRY: Lovely.

WOOD: But all that matters is that you catch this--the golden Snitch!

HARRY: Whee! I'm really good!

WOOD: Indeed. Woo-ha! We're gonna win the House Cup this year!

[Foreshadowing makes a squawky noise in the back row]

-------

HARRY: Hey Ron, let's you and me sneak around tonight!

HERMIONE: Hey, you two! I have to come along too!

HARRY AND RON: Why?

HERMIONE: [sigh] Oh *honestly*. Everyone knows you have to go on dangerous adventures with little or no protection and the threat of great bodily harm in THREES!

HARRY AND RON: Oh yeah! Let's go in the corridor we were specifically told not to enter.

FLUFFY THE THREE HEADED DOG: Growl! Arr! Drool!

HARRY AND RON AND HERMIONE: AAAAAHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RETREEEEEAAAT!

HERMIONE: It was standing on a trapdoor!

RON: I'm going to be ill, I think.

----------

PROFESSOR QUIRRELL: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!

DUMBLEDORE: Don't panic!

STUDENTS: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! PANIC!

HARRY AND RON: Hey, isn't Hermione in the dungeon?

---------

TROLL: Grunt! Rrrr!

HARRY: Well, someone's in a bad mood because they didn't exfoliate this morning!

RON:....

HARRY: Hey look, it's heading toward Hermione!

TROLL: Grunt!

HARRY: You know if you used a milk-based cleanser, it could really start to heal that dry skin of yours. May I suggest--

TROLL: GRUNT!

HARRY: AAAHH! TALL DISGRUNTLED CREATURE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A DERMATOLOGIST'S CONSULTATION CHASING AFTER ME WITH A CLUB!

BANG! ZAP! BOOM! WHAP! BOOSH! BING! ZIP! FOOSH!

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: What's going on here?

HERMIONE: They saved me!

MCGONAGALL: Good show! Here, have some house points!

HARRY AND RON: Score!

---------

WOOD: Time for Quidditch!

HARRY: Aaaahhh! My broomstick is moving! WHYY???

HERMIONE: Aaah! Snape's jinxing the broom!

RON: That sucks. Lemme go get the mattress and run under Harry.

HERMIONE: I got a better idea!

[HERMIONE lights SNAPE on fire, knocks over QUIRRELL]

HARRY: Woo! That was clo--ACKH!

HAGRID: Did Harry just swallow a bug?

HARRY: Oooh! The Snitch!

HOOCH: Gryffindor wins!

STUDENTS: Hurray!

--------

CHRISTMAS

HARRY: Oooh, presents!

RON: What'd you get?

HARRY: A bulky sweater from your mom, candy, an Invisibility Cloak, and a subscription to Martha Stewart Living! Best. Christmas. Ever.

----------

HARRY: Let's go sneaking dangerously around the castle!

RON: Okay!

[HARRY and RON sneak around the castle]

DRACO: I'm telling!

MCGONAGALL: I'm giving all three of you detention!

----------

HAGRID: Welcome to the Forbidden Forest. Something's hurting the unicorns, time to find what it is!

HARRY: And you're letting 11 year olds do this why?

DRACO: AAAHHH! SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY! AAAAHHH! RUN AWAY!

HARRY: Voldemort? Is that you?

SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY: [flies away]

HARRY: Why don't you call? ONE NIGHT AND YOU JUST DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY? I NEVER HEARD OF YOU AGAIN! WE HAVE ISSUES! COME BACK! I'M SCARRED EMOTIONALLY TOO, YOU KNOW!

HAGRID: I think it's time for decaf, Harry.