The Perfect Soldier's Perfect Revenge
Sequel to 'When Duo Gets Bored'
By Mieren
After hiding out for three days, Duo decided that it was finally safe to return to Quatre's mansion. He had seen Trowa and Quatre disappear in their Gundams the previous day, so he wouldn't have to contend with them. Though to be fair, he wasn't worried about what they would do. He already knew that at the very worst, he would have to hear an hour-long ranting, raving, screaming, foaming fit from Wufei about his dishonorable actions. As boring as that would be, he wasn't overly concerned. It was actually kind of amusing to watch the Chinese pilot turn red in the face when he got hyped up on one of his rants. It was a certain stone-faced, spandex-wearing, I-can-bend-steel-with-my-bare-hands-so-your-neck-doesn't-stand-a-chance roommate that scared him.
Duo snorted. He was being ridiculous. After all, how long could Heero hold a grudge for a simple joke? The manic grin on his face faded. Oh, he knew how long Heero could hold a grudge, all right. It had taken over two months for the pilot to calm down enough to forgive Duo for the last prank.
"I swear, you paint a guy's Gundam bright pink and you never hear the end of it," he groused, eyeing the back door warily. "He only had to go into one battle with it like that before he had the time to repaint it. You'd think I'd sent Oz fabricated pictures of him in women's lingerie or something. Oh, wait. I did that to Wufei last week. I wonder if he found out yet."
To be fair about that last prank, he had constructed a few pictures of Treize and Zechs in the same type of clothing and sent it to Wufei. The resulting swearing, nosebleeds, and rants about injustice and dishonor had been well worth his efforts. What was even funnier, in his opinion, was that after hacking a few Oz channels, he had found said pictures of Wufei on Treize's personal computer. Then, just to cause problems, he sent a few more pictures of Treize to Zechs from the general's e-mail address and a few of Zechs to Treize from the blonde's. Oh, but there would be some questions over that, he was certain. The joys of owning a computer.
The thought of computers erased his smile again. He still had to face a certain computer-hacking geek back inside. A very unhappy geek. Sighing again, he slunk in the back door and made his way toward the bathroom. After spending a few days outside, he absolutely reeked and wanted a shower. Dirt and leaves were ground into his braid and it was driving him insane. If not for that little fact, he might have stayed away for a little while longer rather than risk coming back in. He would have loved to stay at a hotel, except for the slight problem that Heero would be able to find him in three seconds flat had he done that.
He made a quick pass through the kitchen for a bite to eat. Throwing together a quick sandwich, he was about to vacate the area when something caught his eye. On the kitchen counter was a massive book. The illustrations on the cover clearly proved that it could not be a cookbook of any sort. The title made him snort.
"The Kama Sutra, huh?" he chuckled. "I don't know where it came from, but I'll be damned if it's not going to end up in Wufei's room."
Even as he said it, he stuffed the sandwich in his mouth and grabbed the book. The mere thought of the nosebleed Wufei was going to suffer from this nearly made him choke on his food. Grinning widely, he scurried down the hall to the Chinese pilot's room and flipped the book open to a rather graphic page before retreating the way he had come. He had been lucky so far not to run into anyone, but he knew his luck wouldn't hold forever.
Peeking around a corner, he bolted the last little ways to the bathroom, nearly giving the maid cleaning it a heart attack when he thundered in and skidded to a halt just before running into her. Grinning ruefully, he apologized and proceeded to shoo her out of the bathroom so he could shower. It was nothing personal, but he absolutely had to get his hair clean if he wanted to keep his sanity. Or what was left of it, anyways.
Taking extra care to scrub all of the twigs, leaves and junk out of his hair, Duo actually had to pause to wonder if he had gone too far this time. Sure, he played many, many pranks on his friends, but he had never before seen Heero turn quite that color. As amusing as it had been at the time, he was beginning to wonder just how mad Heero really was, something that absolutely needed to know for the sake of his health. The hour-long process of washing his knee-length hair gave him time to think, as well as avoid the danger he knew was stalking around the house somewhere.
After he was absolutely sure that his hair was clean, he quickly scrubbed the rest of himself clean and hopped out of the shower. The hot water was almost gone anyways. Wrapping one towel around his waist, he began scrubbing his head with a second, grinning happily when he noticed that the maid had been kind enough to manage to sneak in a clean change of clothes for him. He started to get dressed before noticing that she hadn't brought him a change of boxers. Frowning, he pulled on his pants anyways, being extra careful with the zipper. He'd go hunting for a pair of his black boxers once he had his hair out of the way.
Rooting around on the countertop, he snagged a handy hairbrush and began the long, grueling process of untangling his hair so he could get it into his customary braid. He snooped through the things littering the counter as he worked, frowning when he didn't see anything interesting. Toothpaste, Wufei's hair bands, lotion, a comb, eye drops, bandages, an unmarked tube, Trowa's hair gel… Wait a minute. An unmarked tube? Frowning slightly, he finished winding his hair into a serviceable braid and peeked closer at the small silvery tube.
"The hell?" he muttered, turning it over in his fingers a few times. It was about the size of a tube of ointment, but it most certainly wasn't that. No matter how long he stared at it, he couldn't seem to figure out what it was. Shrugging, he tossed it back on the counter and resumed his quest for his elusive undergarments.
He made his way to his room on the far end of the mansion before coming to the realization that this path would take him directly by Heero's room. Frowning, he continued on his course. He could probably slip by unnoticed by the Perfect Soldier. Despite popular belief, he could be very quiet when he wanted to slink around undetected. He wasn't a Gundam pilot for nothing, after all.
He ghosted by the open door, glancing in as he passed. Blinking, he pulled to a halt and backtracked. It wasn't a surprise that Heero wasn't in his room. It was a surprise, however, to find a pair of his black boxers on Heero's bed. He scratched his head idly before it clicked.
"So, he's trying to catch me with my own trick, is he?" he chuckled.
Last month, while Heero was still not speaking to him for the whole pink Gundam stunt, Duo had coated his spandex with itching powder just before a mission. Duo had gotten a good laugh at the nervous wreck Heero had been when he had returned, hair sticking up in all directions and a nervous tick holding steady in one eye. He had laughed until Heero had beaten him into the ground, after changing shorts, of course. To say that Heero hadn't been pleased had been the understatement of the century.
Remembering to watch out for any suspicious undergarments, he continued his way down the hall. He shook his head. Oh, Heero was going to pay for even thinking of retaliating. Duo held a monopoly on the pranks in the group, and no one was going to oust him without the fight of their life.
Peeking into his room to check for both traps and irate pilots, he slipped in once seeing that the area was still safe. He knew that Trowa and Quatre wouldn't do anything to him past a bit of yelling, glaring, and in Quatre's case, glaring. He wouldn't put it past Wufei, however, to lie in wait to pound his sorry butt into the ground, especially if he had discovered the pictures of him Oz had in their possession. Heero, on the other hand, wouldn't do something so blatantly obvious. No, the Perfect Soldier couldn't just throttle him and be done with it. He would bide his time and do something truly horrendous.
Still wary, he began a quick search for traps. He didn't actually believe that Heero would stoop so low as to dig a pitfall in his room like he had done to the pilot of Wing Zero three safehouses ago, but he still wanted to be careful. After Heero had pulled himself out of the fifteen-foot hole, he had been as pissed as he was dusty. Duo grinned at the memory of the look of eye-twitching rage that had been on the Japanese boy's face. He berated himself for even checking for that type of trap. This was one of Quatre's mansions. If Heero had done such a thing, Quatre would have been furious.
Seeing his room empty of vengeful pilots, he sauntered in on his quest for undergarments. The sensation of being free and loose was interesting, to say the least. He honestly didn't know how Wufei put up with it. A snort escaped his lips at how he had learned that particular detail about his friend's dressing habits. One fateful day at a small family-owned restaurant, he had for some reason decided to casually remove the tie holding the Chinese pilots pants up without the other's knowledge. When he stood up to pay the bill, Duo had almost choked on his own tongue at the discovery before running for his life. Wufei had not been amused.
Shaking his head at the memory, he made his way across a floor littered with dirty laundry and explicit manga to his dresser. Mindful of traps, he gingerly pulled a drawer open, grinning happily when he saw that it wasn't rigged to explode. He grabbed the first pair of boxers he saw and started to undo his belt when his gaze roved across the top of his dresser. Amid endless knickknacks and various hair care products, he spotted another unmarked tube, identical to the one he had seen in the bathroom. Baffled, he scratched his head, underwear forgotten for a moment as he tried to puzzle it out. He wasn't sharing a room with anybody in the mansion since Quatre had more than enough rooms to go around. It certainly wasn't his. He glanced at the disaster area that was his room and knew that the maids hadn't set foot in the area from the lack of visible floor.
Shrugging and tossing the tube back onto the dresser, he resumed shucking his pants. He had just freed his belt when someone tackled him roughly from behind, landing heavily on him and pinning him to the bed. Squawking indignantly, he began squirming viciously to see which irate pilot was his attacker, though he was pretty sure he already knew. Wufei usually didn't attack people from behind. Sure enough, when he finally managed to crane his neck around at a painful angle, he saw Heero pinning him with one of the most furious expressions he had ever seen on the Japanese pilot. He quickly found both of his arms pulled behind him and held there.
"Hi, Hee-chan!" he greeted, grinning unabashedly and still squirming for all he was worth. With the look on his friend's face, he knew he was going to come away from this with more than a few bruises.
Heero only growled in reply and pinned him tighter to the bed, transferring both of Duo's wrists to one hand. Duo could vaguely see the other arm in his peripheral vision moving and flinched, certain he was about to be decked. After a moment, he cracked one eye open, amazed that the blow hadn't landed. Heero was staring at him with a tight expression, gripping something forcefully in his free hand. Duo recognized the silver cap showing from his fist as the unmarked tube that had been on his dresser. The grin faded from Duo's face, replaced with apprehension.
"Um, Heero?" he started gingerly.
"Why?" Heero asked in a clipped monotone.
Duo stared at him in incomprehension for a moment before answering. He had thought that it was perfectly obvious why he had done what he had.
"It was a joke," he said, trailing off at the frosty glare the statement earned him. For several moments, Heero remained silent.
"A joke," Heero repeated softly, dangerously. "You shouldn't joke like that."
Duo paused, trying to reason out what exactly the Japanese boy was talking about. He already knew that neither Heero nor Wufei liked to be teased constantly, but that had never deterred him. Heero's tone of voice, however, gave him pause. He sounded almost strained. Hesitant. Duo wilted slightly, trying to think of something. Heero continued before he managed to say anything.
"Do you have any idea what went through my head when I saw you dressed like that? Do you, Duo?"
For the first time in his life, Duo was at a loss for words. Every word Heero uttered sounded slightly more frantic than the last. Duo could hear him panting softly and feel the tremors running through his slender frame. Heero growled suddenly and dropped the tube in his free hand, slipping his arm under Duo's waist and forcing him onto his knees, face still pressed against the bed.
"You shouldn't tease me, Duo," Heero hissed, yanking Duo back towards himself roughly.
Duo's spine snapped rigid when he felt a something thick and hard pressing against him, his eyes going so wide they threatened to pop out of his head. That couldn't be what he thought it was pressed against him. His eyes flickered to the small tube on the bed beside him, understanding registering in his mind. He shifted his head slightly to look over his shoulder.
"H-Heero?"
"You brought this on yourself," Heero snapped. He dropped his hold around Duo's waist, his fingers attacking the clasp to Duo's black slacks.
Shock forgotten, Duo lurched against the hand holding his wrists between his shoulders. His arms shrieked in agony at the misuse, but he continued to fight, writhing and kicking like a madman. Heero had obviously expected him to fight back, so he had intentionally positioned himself to be inaccessible to Duo's wild kicks. Their struggle was interrupted by a furious howl.
"Maxwell!!!"
Duo's head snapped up hopefully at the sound of Wufei's angry roar just outside his door. An incensed Chinese pilot stormed into the room, waving the Kama Sutra around furiously, his face flushed from embarrassment and rage. Heero scowled at him as he came into the room.
"What do you want, Chang?"
Wufei paused, blinking at them. He scowled darkly a moment later.
"Don't leave your book lying around where Maxwell can find it again, Yuy," he snapped, throwing the book onto the bed near Duo's head. He eyed them both angrily one last time before turning to leave.
"Wait!" Duo cried out, horrified that Wufei would just walk off and leave him.
"It's about time you taught that loudmouth baka some manners," Wufei called stiffly over his shoulder, pausing only to slam the door behind him.
Tears stung Duo's eyes. He knew Wufei didn't like him that much, but he never expected him to allow someone to rape him. He didn't get a chance to wallow in self-pity for long, Heero insistently fighting to get his pants off. Feeling betrayed, he bucked with enough force to raise them both off of the bed a few inches. In midair, he twisted within Heero's grasp and tried to flip him off, succeeding only in throwing them both to the floor.
The two landed in a tangle of limbs. Above the cursing and sounds of scuffling, a snap was clearly heard echoing through the room. Duo froze, eyes wide. With the pain radiating through both arms from the odd angle Heero still held them at, he couldn't be sure that the sound hadn't been one of his arms breaking. He noticed distantly that Heero had paused too, his grip loosening. After a moment, he released his hold altogether and sat back with a funny look on his face.
Once freed, Duo immediately scrambled away from Heero and started to bolt from the room when he noticed Heero staring curiously at the front of his spandex. Unbidden, Duo's eyes flickered down to the bulge in the front of his spandex. His jaw dropped when he registered the ninety-degree angle to the bulge. Heero only huffed angrily.
"Damn. Broke it," he muttered.
Duo was torn between pity and grim humor. The mere thought of such an injury made him cringe, but at the same time, he was relieved that he was safe. Heero's words slowly began to register in his mind. They were too calm. No matter how resistant to pain the Perfect Soldier was, he couldn't possibly ignore something like that, could he?
"Either way, don't bother me again with your stupid jokes," Heero said calmly, standing up and heading for the door. Duo scrambled out of his way, eyes wide.
Heero paused just before leaving the room and reached down the front of his spandex. Duo flinched in advance, having seen him set his own broken bones before. Surely he wouldn't…
Heero pulled his hand back and tossed what he held towards Duo, who lurched backwards frantically to evade it. His eyes followed its path exactly, registering what it was only after it had hit the floor. Duo's jaw dropped. A cucumber, snapped cleanly in half, rested on the floor in front of him. Violet eyes narrowed angrily. He had been scared out of his mind by a cucumber??
"Oh and Duo," Heero called over his shoulder. "One more thing. Leave the practical jokes to the pros." Grinning, he was forced to duck out of the room just before a cucumber crashed into the back of his skull.
END
There you have it, people. You bugged me for a sequel, so this is entirely your fault. But still, feel free to R&R.
