Neither Buffy nor Angel noticed when Spike opened his eyes. They were both
too wrapped up in her memories. His eyes were clear, free of fog, and
focused. In that moment, he knew exactly who he was, and whom he was with,
though he didn't recognize the room. He heard and understood the Slayer
clearly. She was talking about the first time they had made love-fucked.
She had made him hide in the closet. That's when he knew, and understood clearly. Spike wasn't stupid, though he had pulled more than his fair share of stupid stunts. She may not have realized what she was doing then, but Spike did. She was going to have her normal life if it killed her in the process..even if she was fucking the undead.
Now he listened to her descriptively explain the whole thing to her other ex-lover like she was telling him about a movie she had seen.
He must have made a noise, or maybe she just caught his blue eyes out of the corner of her green ones, because she jumped completely off the bed in the middle of her story. "Spike! You're awake."
Spike turned his attention away from her. His memories were still fuzzy and a little vague, but he remembered enough. He didn't want to talk to her.
"Spike?" Her voice was quiet now, tentative. He didn't look her way.
"Spike, are you with us?" Angel's voice was gentle. Spike didn't respond. "William?" A hint of brogue emerged.
"Spike, please talk to me. Let me know what's going on," Buffy pleaded.
"Are you hungry?" Angel asked.
He wasn't, but he nodded anyway. As soon as Angel left to get blood, Buffy reached out to touch Spike. He shied away from her. Buffy sighed. "Where have you been Spike?"
"Dirty," he croaked.
"I didn't mean it, Spike."
Angel entered the room followed by a green demon. "Buffy, you've met Lorne."
"Good to see you again."
"You too, cupcake."
"I thought maybe Lorne could help us figure out what's wrong with Spike," Angel explained.
"Hey Handsome, can you sing for me."
Spike stared at him, not responsive.
"Maybe you can hum for me," Lorne suggested.
Spike tonelessly hummed a few bars of an old drinking tune. Lorne's eyes widened, "Uh, Angel, can I talk to you..."
*** "..alone?"
"We can't be alone, I'm here with people, Spike."
"You can sneak away for a minute. Let's pretend you're slaying a vampire."
"I will be in a few minutes, if he won't leave me be."
"Ahhh, Slayer, you don't mean that." Spike grinned wickedly and Buffy felt her resolve shake. "Come outside with me."
"No."
Spike took her hand, "Yes." The sound was almost a purr, almost a growl, and Buffy didn't have the willpower to resist it.
"They'll miss me," she pointed out, but it was a token protest.
"You won't be gone for long," he promised.
"I'm expecting Riley."
"We'll make sure he doesn't catch the show, if that's what you're worried about."
She allowed herself to be lead out the back door of the Bronze to the alley. "Where have you been Spike?"
He shrugged, "Busy."
"You think you can disappear then show up and demand a quickie in a back alley?"
"You want me to stop?" He was currently kissing her neck.
"No."
"That's what I thought."
"You haven't been causing trouble, have you?"
"Slayer, anybody ever tell you talk too much?"
"Hey..oooh, yes. That feels good."
"I know."
Buffy really wanted to stop the arrogant vampire. Who did he think he was? Just because they had wild, hot sex a dozen or so times did not mean that he could just lure her out of the Bronze and away from her friends. But if she stopped him, she would just be punishing herself, and that wouldn't do.
Buffy fumbled with his zipper with one hand while she hiked up her skirt with the other. Spike's hands were all over her, lighting up her body.
"Miss me, luv?"
Buffy didn't answer. She didn't want to talk, she just wanted him inside of her. She didn't realize how much she wanted him until he was there, separated only by rough denim, straining against his fly.
Spike stopped touching her, and moved back slightly. "Did you miss me luv?" He asked again.
"What? Yes."
At that point she would agree to anything if only he would finish what he started. She was painfully aroused. She was going to go crazy if he stopped.
"Say it."
Buffy blinked. "I missed you Spike," she breathed, finding it difficult to force words out of her throat. "I missed you so much."
"Glad to hear it." He braced himself and then quickly entered her. She moaned with relief and moved against him, forcing him deeper. She buried her face in his neck to muffle the sounds escaping, unbidden, from her throat.
"Oh Buffy, oh god Slayer, oh god. You feel so good Buffy," Spike whispered into her ear. The sound of his deep voice nearly pushed her over the edge. She felt like she hadn't had sex in months, but she was just with Riley the night before. At the thought of Riley, a stab of guilt pierced her heart. She shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't have started this. She should end it.
Her movements slowed as her guilt built. Fuck, what was she doing? She shouldn't let him do this to her, shouldn't allow it.
"What's wrong Slayer," he asked quietly without breaking his rhythm.
She shook her head. Now was not the time for the conversation, and her treacherous body refused to let her tell him to stop. Spike knew the problem anyway. He always knew what was on her mind.
He pushed her head from his shoulder, and cupped her chin in his hand. Now he stopped moving inside of her. He looked her in the eyes for several seconds, then kissed her passionately. It took her breath away, and she was reminded of their first night when she couldn't even breath the pleasure was so intense. When he moved his lips from hers and began trailing them down her chin and neck, the doubts and guilt fled her mind. She began rocking against him, and Spike picked up the rhythm like he never stopped.
Several minutes later, Buffy was frantically trying to rearrange her clothes and hair. "Do I look presentable?"
Spike was casually leaning against the wall and smoking. "You look delicious."
Buffy sighed, "Do I look like I just fucked a vampire in an alley?"
Spike flicked his cigarette and turned to walk away. "No." Then he was gone. Buffy frowned. What did she say? She didn't want to see him go, but she couldn't call out to him either. She was sure she would run into him..
*** ".later." Angel insisted.
Buffy looked over her shoulder at Spike laying on his bed. His eyes were still clear, but he still insisted on avoiding her gaze.
She shut the door quietly and faced him in the hallway. "I want to know now."
"Buffy, I think you should wait."
"Wait for what?"
"Until Spike knows what Lorne saw."
"Fine, where's Lorne?"
"He should be here soon. Try to be a little patient."
"Patience has never been my strong suit," Buffy said crossing her arms.
"How is he?"
"Won't talk to me, won't look at me."
Lorne arrived just as Angel was about to ask another question, and Buffy sighed with relief. She didn't want to talk about it right now. It hurt in places that she didn't know could hurt. And she knew it was all her fault.
"Is he still awake?" Lorne asked.
"Yeah. I think so."
"I'll just be a few minutes," he promised as he opened the door.
*** Spike eyed the green demon warily. "Well, Handsome, anything you want to tell me?"
Spike didn't respond.
"I'm kinda curious about how you got it."
Nothing.
Lorne sighed and sat down, "The silent-type huh? That's ok. You're in trouble, and you need help. You think it's the soul, and that's partially right. Whatever trials you had to go through to get it isn't over yet. You haven't completed your final test."
"What is it?" Spike's voice was barely a whisper.
"You've still got to face your greatest fear, Spike. I don't think you need me to tell you what that is."
Spike shook his head.
"Anyway, once you finish the test the soul will settle permanently, and your mind will come back together."
"Broken?"
"It is, in a way," Lorne's voice was gentle. "Anyway, you want me to bring in the other two? They are pretty worried about you."
Spike turned his head away. "Alone."
"I understand," Lorne said, standing. "If you need anything, give a holler."
Spike nodded, closed his eyes, and appeared to fall asleep. Lorne left the room quietly.
She had made him hide in the closet. That's when he knew, and understood clearly. Spike wasn't stupid, though he had pulled more than his fair share of stupid stunts. She may not have realized what she was doing then, but Spike did. She was going to have her normal life if it killed her in the process..even if she was fucking the undead.
Now he listened to her descriptively explain the whole thing to her other ex-lover like she was telling him about a movie she had seen.
He must have made a noise, or maybe she just caught his blue eyes out of the corner of her green ones, because she jumped completely off the bed in the middle of her story. "Spike! You're awake."
Spike turned his attention away from her. His memories were still fuzzy and a little vague, but he remembered enough. He didn't want to talk to her.
"Spike?" Her voice was quiet now, tentative. He didn't look her way.
"Spike, are you with us?" Angel's voice was gentle. Spike didn't respond. "William?" A hint of brogue emerged.
"Spike, please talk to me. Let me know what's going on," Buffy pleaded.
"Are you hungry?" Angel asked.
He wasn't, but he nodded anyway. As soon as Angel left to get blood, Buffy reached out to touch Spike. He shied away from her. Buffy sighed. "Where have you been Spike?"
"Dirty," he croaked.
"I didn't mean it, Spike."
Angel entered the room followed by a green demon. "Buffy, you've met Lorne."
"Good to see you again."
"You too, cupcake."
"I thought maybe Lorne could help us figure out what's wrong with Spike," Angel explained.
"Hey Handsome, can you sing for me."
Spike stared at him, not responsive.
"Maybe you can hum for me," Lorne suggested.
Spike tonelessly hummed a few bars of an old drinking tune. Lorne's eyes widened, "Uh, Angel, can I talk to you..."
*** "..alone?"
"We can't be alone, I'm here with people, Spike."
"You can sneak away for a minute. Let's pretend you're slaying a vampire."
"I will be in a few minutes, if he won't leave me be."
"Ahhh, Slayer, you don't mean that." Spike grinned wickedly and Buffy felt her resolve shake. "Come outside with me."
"No."
Spike took her hand, "Yes." The sound was almost a purr, almost a growl, and Buffy didn't have the willpower to resist it.
"They'll miss me," she pointed out, but it was a token protest.
"You won't be gone for long," he promised.
"I'm expecting Riley."
"We'll make sure he doesn't catch the show, if that's what you're worried about."
She allowed herself to be lead out the back door of the Bronze to the alley. "Where have you been Spike?"
He shrugged, "Busy."
"You think you can disappear then show up and demand a quickie in a back alley?"
"You want me to stop?" He was currently kissing her neck.
"No."
"That's what I thought."
"You haven't been causing trouble, have you?"
"Slayer, anybody ever tell you talk too much?"
"Hey..oooh, yes. That feels good."
"I know."
Buffy really wanted to stop the arrogant vampire. Who did he think he was? Just because they had wild, hot sex a dozen or so times did not mean that he could just lure her out of the Bronze and away from her friends. But if she stopped him, she would just be punishing herself, and that wouldn't do.
Buffy fumbled with his zipper with one hand while she hiked up her skirt with the other. Spike's hands were all over her, lighting up her body.
"Miss me, luv?"
Buffy didn't answer. She didn't want to talk, she just wanted him inside of her. She didn't realize how much she wanted him until he was there, separated only by rough denim, straining against his fly.
Spike stopped touching her, and moved back slightly. "Did you miss me luv?" He asked again.
"What? Yes."
At that point she would agree to anything if only he would finish what he started. She was painfully aroused. She was going to go crazy if he stopped.
"Say it."
Buffy blinked. "I missed you Spike," she breathed, finding it difficult to force words out of her throat. "I missed you so much."
"Glad to hear it." He braced himself and then quickly entered her. She moaned with relief and moved against him, forcing him deeper. She buried her face in his neck to muffle the sounds escaping, unbidden, from her throat.
"Oh Buffy, oh god Slayer, oh god. You feel so good Buffy," Spike whispered into her ear. The sound of his deep voice nearly pushed her over the edge. She felt like she hadn't had sex in months, but she was just with Riley the night before. At the thought of Riley, a stab of guilt pierced her heart. She shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't have started this. She should end it.
Her movements slowed as her guilt built. Fuck, what was she doing? She shouldn't let him do this to her, shouldn't allow it.
"What's wrong Slayer," he asked quietly without breaking his rhythm.
She shook her head. Now was not the time for the conversation, and her treacherous body refused to let her tell him to stop. Spike knew the problem anyway. He always knew what was on her mind.
He pushed her head from his shoulder, and cupped her chin in his hand. Now he stopped moving inside of her. He looked her in the eyes for several seconds, then kissed her passionately. It took her breath away, and she was reminded of their first night when she couldn't even breath the pleasure was so intense. When he moved his lips from hers and began trailing them down her chin and neck, the doubts and guilt fled her mind. She began rocking against him, and Spike picked up the rhythm like he never stopped.
Several minutes later, Buffy was frantically trying to rearrange her clothes and hair. "Do I look presentable?"
Spike was casually leaning against the wall and smoking. "You look delicious."
Buffy sighed, "Do I look like I just fucked a vampire in an alley?"
Spike flicked his cigarette and turned to walk away. "No." Then he was gone. Buffy frowned. What did she say? She didn't want to see him go, but she couldn't call out to him either. She was sure she would run into him..
*** ".later." Angel insisted.
Buffy looked over her shoulder at Spike laying on his bed. His eyes were still clear, but he still insisted on avoiding her gaze.
She shut the door quietly and faced him in the hallway. "I want to know now."
"Buffy, I think you should wait."
"Wait for what?"
"Until Spike knows what Lorne saw."
"Fine, where's Lorne?"
"He should be here soon. Try to be a little patient."
"Patience has never been my strong suit," Buffy said crossing her arms.
"How is he?"
"Won't talk to me, won't look at me."
Lorne arrived just as Angel was about to ask another question, and Buffy sighed with relief. She didn't want to talk about it right now. It hurt in places that she didn't know could hurt. And she knew it was all her fault.
"Is he still awake?" Lorne asked.
"Yeah. I think so."
"I'll just be a few minutes," he promised as he opened the door.
*** Spike eyed the green demon warily. "Well, Handsome, anything you want to tell me?"
Spike didn't respond.
"I'm kinda curious about how you got it."
Nothing.
Lorne sighed and sat down, "The silent-type huh? That's ok. You're in trouble, and you need help. You think it's the soul, and that's partially right. Whatever trials you had to go through to get it isn't over yet. You haven't completed your final test."
"What is it?" Spike's voice was barely a whisper.
"You've still got to face your greatest fear, Spike. I don't think you need me to tell you what that is."
Spike shook his head.
"Anyway, once you finish the test the soul will settle permanently, and your mind will come back together."
"Broken?"
"It is, in a way," Lorne's voice was gentle. "Anyway, you want me to bring in the other two? They are pretty worried about you."
Spike turned his head away. "Alone."
"I understand," Lorne said, standing. "If you need anything, give a holler."
Spike nodded, closed his eyes, and appeared to fall asleep. Lorne left the room quietly.
