Chapter 12
"Have you heard from your sister?" Xander asked.
"She's going to be in L.A. until Spike's well enough to travel," Dawn said without looking up from the newspaper.
"Spike's coming back here?" Xander asked, confusion lacing his words.
She shrugged, "It sounds like he doesn't want to, but you know how Buffy can be. She's awfully.
*** ".stubborn as a bloody ox!" Spike exclaimed.
"I'm not stubborn," Buffy protested. "You're the stubborn one."
"You are stubborn and childish."
Buffy stuck her tongue out and stomped her foot.
"See! You just proved my point, stamping that cute little foot of yours."
Buffy was temporarily distracted from the argument. "You think I have cute feet?"
Spike rolled his eyes, "You have cute everything. Now don't try to change the subject."
"I'm not changing the subject! Look, if it means so much to you, we don't have to watch Dracula."
"I don't even know why you want to watch that stupid movie anyway. Wasn't the real deal enough for you?"
"Oh, that reminds me, Drac says hi."
Spike narrowed his eyes, "Did he happen to give you my eleven pounds? Blood welsher."
"Why didn't you show up to get your money back yourself?"
"Thought I'd stay out of Captain America's way. He came and visited me, ya know."
Buffy frowned, "When?"
Spike shrugged, "The day after Count Vlad," he spat the word, "showed up."
"Did he.I mean, was he.."
"Was he suspicious? No, didn't suspect a thing, Princess. Your dirty little secret is safe."
Buffy could tell that she just pissed him off. She sighed as she tried to think of a way to cheer him up. "We don't have to watch a movie," she offered.
"What do you want to do then?"
"Patrol? Get a spot of violence before bed?"
"I can think of other things we could do," he said with a predatory grin as his arms snaked around her.
"Oooh, like what?"
Spike brushed her hair away from her face and moved in to kiss her neck, but then he froze. "What's this?"
Oh. Shit. "I feel on a barbeque fork," she offered lamely.
"You let Dracula bite you," he said slowly.
"I didn't let him! He had me under a thrall."
Spike let go of her and step back. "You know what they call you around town? The Vampire Layer. You keep this shit up, and any vamp within 100 miles will think you're available," he said coldly.
Buffy gasped, "Spike. My mother invited him in, that's how he got into my bedroom. He had me under a thrall."
"You wanted to be bit, it wouldn't have worked otherwise."
"No, I didn't."
"Slayer, please. I'm not your stupid soldier; I know the deal. Now get out."
"Spike, please..we haven't spent any time together for like weeks!"
"And whose fault is that, Slayer? Not mine. I'm not doing anything but hanging around and waiting for you. You're the one who is always too busy for me."
Buffy watched him for several seconds. His feelings were hurt. She could tell that Dracula's bite was a very big deal. He usually avoided the scar Angel left at all costs, and while he never asked if he could bite her, he did vamp out occasionally during sex. But what could she do? It's not like she could explain away his bite to Riley. 'You could always break up with Riley,' a voice whispered. But could she really? Wouldn't that be admitting defeat, admitting that she was destined to be in relationships with dead men? She couldn't let her life come to that. That place is just too...dark. And wrong. Dracula's words rushed back to her and she took an involuntary step back, as though she was trying to get away from the unpleasant thoughts.
"I have to go," she muttered.
"Of course you do, Slayer." Sarcasm dripped from his words, and he turned his back to her. She felt the need to defend herself.
"My mom asked him to come home early and keep an eye on.
*** ".Dawn has almost completed her Master's degree," Buffy continued. "You would have been so proud of her. Between the scholarships and other financial aid, I could afford to send her to school in England. It was safer than UC Sunnydale, and she wanted to study theater so.."
Buffy paused her narration and sighed. Spike hadn't reacted to anything, not even to the stories about Dawn. They had been so close, and he missed a major part of her life, but he didn't even seem interested.
She decided to switch tactics. "Lorne told me about your soul. How did you get it, Spike?"
"Earned it."
Buffy beamed. He responded. He was talking to her. It wasn't much, but it was a start. "How?"
"I don't remember."
"What do you remember?"
"Vampires are dirty." There was no emotion in his voice when he said it, and she winced at how distant his eyes looked.
"Why does he keep saying that?" Angel asked from the doorway.
"I don't know."
"Buffy. Lies."
"I..Give me time to explain it Angel."
"You can't avoid it forever."
"I know." She glanced at Spike, "Do you want us to leave?"
"Yes."
"Fine. Come on Angel."
*** Spike closed his eyes as she left. He collapsed onto his chair and tilted his head back. She let that goddamned poser bite her. She forced Angel to bite her. But she would never let him get that close.
This sitting around, defenseless and lonely, was wearing on him. He was sick of playing by her rules..sick of Captain Cardboard strutting around like he owned the fucking place because he got to shag the Slayer and let the world know it. He was sick of being the vague, dirty secret in her life.
He knew what he was signing up for when they started sleeping together. But some nights he thought they were getting close, actually starting some form of relationship not based on desperate sex in the dark and secret places of the city. Then she would rip it out from under him. This time it was by letting Dracula bite her. Same shit, different day really.
He needed to get the chip out. That was just all there was to it. He was waiting around for crumbs and scraps, but she would never treat him like a man, and he was quickly losing self-respect and dignity.
He lit a cigarette and enjoyed the fragrant smoke that floated around his head. He fantasized alternately of shagging, fighting, and killing the Slayer. With a sigh of disgust, he realized that even in his killing fantasies, he never actually went through it. If he got the chip out, she would try to kill him. But at least if they were fighting again, she would recognize him as a worthy opponent, and no matter how briefly, she'd be forced to respect him again.
"Spikey? Blondie-bear?"
Spike jumped, he hadn't even heard her come in. "What are you doing here, Harmony?" He growled.
"Just letting you know that I'm back in town, and I have minions. And a plan. To kill the Slayer."
"Really? That's fascinating, pet, but you're stealing my song." He lit another cigarette, "Now get out before I throw you out."
"Fine, I didn't want to have sex anyway!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Harm, wait a tic. You can stay."
"Goodie," she squealed, jumping on his lap.
"Harm, you want to help me get my.."
*** "..chip out?"
"Yeah."
"Wait, wait, wait. He teamed up with Harmony to get his chip out?"
"Yeah. Look, it wasn't exactly an example of Spike thinking clearly."
"Did he succeed?"
"No, but he nearly killed Riley in the process of trying. And he tried to."
"Tried to what?"
"Bite me."
Angel gaped, "As in, kill you? Or just mark you?"
Buffy shook her head sadly, "I still don't know to this day what his intentions were."
"And you didn't stake."
*** ".him?" Riley demanded.
"It all worked out in the end," Buffy said, then wish she hadn't said anything at all.
"He tried to kill me!"
"Not directly." Goddamnit, when would she learn to keep her mouth shut?
"Buffy, what the fuck is wrong with you? He almost got his chip out today, if it was gone, he would have killed you!"
"I know," she muttered. She didn't push him away, couldn't fight him off, because she was simply too shocked. She shouldn't have been fighting him in that tiny doctor's office, while her boyfriend's heart was about to give out. She shouldn't have been fighting him at all. He wasn't her enemy anymore. He betrayed Adam for her. He loved her, treated her like something unique and precious. Was she really so naïve that he tricked her into thinking that he loved her?
Buffy shook her head at her own stupidity. Maybe vampires could love, but they were still soulless. She never should have trusted him. And now she would have to dust him, though she literally shook at the thought.
"I'll go take care of it now," she said, "while the sun's up. He'll be asleep..not expecting it."
She left Riley without waiting for his response and walked blindly to the crypt. She prayed that he was alone, because she would die if Harmony was in his bed. How could he sleep with somebody else?
When she entered the crypt, he was alone. Not asleep. Waiting for her.
"You came sooner than I expected, luv," he said conversationally.
"You tried to bite me," she said numbly.
"Yeah, I sure did," he agreed, not a trace of regret or apology in his voice.
"Your chip.." Buffy closed her eyes. She didn't love him, couldn't love him, but all of a sudden she thought her heart was breaking. How could he do this to her? How could he make her kill her lover again? Didn't he care about her in the slightest?
He got up then, she didn't open her eyes but could sense him standing within touching distance. "Why?" She whispered.
"Buffy. Slayer, I can't live like this anymore." His voice was soft now.
"Like what?"
"Your leashed lapdog. You won't have me and nobody else wants me."
"So you decided to turn into a mad killer again?"
"Well, yeah."
"So you could tear me apart." It wasn't a question. She made him hate her so much that he wanted to kill her. Oh God.
"No, no Buffy. I don't.." Spike paused. Was he going to reassure her that he didn't want to kill her? Then what was up with trying to bite her? "I don't want you to die. I don't want to kill you." "I want to believe you, Spike. I really do. But this..Spike.." She had a choice then. Let the power of the Slayer fill her with icy resolve and finish the job, or break down and let him know exactly how much he had hurt her. He was always encouraging her to talk about her feelings, but she couldn't trust him anymore. This wasn't something you could just talk out.
"How could you be so selfish?" She finally asked.
"Me? You are the one sleeping with two guys right now, pulling us both by our short hairs, holding out a part of yourself until we're both helpless and begging." His words stung her deeply.
"You were going to make me kill you. How could you do that? Do you think I enjoy killing my lovers?"
"You knew the risk when you started shagging me, Slayer."
"Yeah," she said weakly, "I did. I was stupid. I thought I could trust you."
Those words effectively ripped out his heart. He couldn't keep up the Big Bad façade anymore, he couldn't act like he didn't care, like he wanted to hurt her. He was extremely angry when he decided to get the chip out, and he did something rash. Story of his life. But maybe he could fix this.
"Buffy, I'm sorry. I was angry, I wasn't thinking. I won't do this to you again."
"How do I know you're telling the truth?"
Spike shrugged, "You can't."
"I don't want to regret this, Spike. I don't want to regret being with you or letting you live."
"I understand."
"I..I need time to think. Just.stay away from me while I think about all of this."
"Ok." He could promise to leave her alone, but he wouldn't stop watching her. Had to have her back, after all.
"Goodbye Spike." She walked out and Spike was left by himself to curse his own stupidity and try to figure out what he could do to make it up to her.
"Have you heard from your sister?" Xander asked.
"She's going to be in L.A. until Spike's well enough to travel," Dawn said without looking up from the newspaper.
"Spike's coming back here?" Xander asked, confusion lacing his words.
She shrugged, "It sounds like he doesn't want to, but you know how Buffy can be. She's awfully.
*** ".stubborn as a bloody ox!" Spike exclaimed.
"I'm not stubborn," Buffy protested. "You're the stubborn one."
"You are stubborn and childish."
Buffy stuck her tongue out and stomped her foot.
"See! You just proved my point, stamping that cute little foot of yours."
Buffy was temporarily distracted from the argument. "You think I have cute feet?"
Spike rolled his eyes, "You have cute everything. Now don't try to change the subject."
"I'm not changing the subject! Look, if it means so much to you, we don't have to watch Dracula."
"I don't even know why you want to watch that stupid movie anyway. Wasn't the real deal enough for you?"
"Oh, that reminds me, Drac says hi."
Spike narrowed his eyes, "Did he happen to give you my eleven pounds? Blood welsher."
"Why didn't you show up to get your money back yourself?"
"Thought I'd stay out of Captain America's way. He came and visited me, ya know."
Buffy frowned, "When?"
Spike shrugged, "The day after Count Vlad," he spat the word, "showed up."
"Did he.I mean, was he.."
"Was he suspicious? No, didn't suspect a thing, Princess. Your dirty little secret is safe."
Buffy could tell that she just pissed him off. She sighed as she tried to think of a way to cheer him up. "We don't have to watch a movie," she offered.
"What do you want to do then?"
"Patrol? Get a spot of violence before bed?"
"I can think of other things we could do," he said with a predatory grin as his arms snaked around her.
"Oooh, like what?"
Spike brushed her hair away from her face and moved in to kiss her neck, but then he froze. "What's this?"
Oh. Shit. "I feel on a barbeque fork," she offered lamely.
"You let Dracula bite you," he said slowly.
"I didn't let him! He had me under a thrall."
Spike let go of her and step back. "You know what they call you around town? The Vampire Layer. You keep this shit up, and any vamp within 100 miles will think you're available," he said coldly.
Buffy gasped, "Spike. My mother invited him in, that's how he got into my bedroom. He had me under a thrall."
"You wanted to be bit, it wouldn't have worked otherwise."
"No, I didn't."
"Slayer, please. I'm not your stupid soldier; I know the deal. Now get out."
"Spike, please..we haven't spent any time together for like weeks!"
"And whose fault is that, Slayer? Not mine. I'm not doing anything but hanging around and waiting for you. You're the one who is always too busy for me."
Buffy watched him for several seconds. His feelings were hurt. She could tell that Dracula's bite was a very big deal. He usually avoided the scar Angel left at all costs, and while he never asked if he could bite her, he did vamp out occasionally during sex. But what could she do? It's not like she could explain away his bite to Riley. 'You could always break up with Riley,' a voice whispered. But could she really? Wouldn't that be admitting defeat, admitting that she was destined to be in relationships with dead men? She couldn't let her life come to that. That place is just too...dark. And wrong. Dracula's words rushed back to her and she took an involuntary step back, as though she was trying to get away from the unpleasant thoughts.
"I have to go," she muttered.
"Of course you do, Slayer." Sarcasm dripped from his words, and he turned his back to her. She felt the need to defend herself.
"My mom asked him to come home early and keep an eye on.
*** ".Dawn has almost completed her Master's degree," Buffy continued. "You would have been so proud of her. Between the scholarships and other financial aid, I could afford to send her to school in England. It was safer than UC Sunnydale, and she wanted to study theater so.."
Buffy paused her narration and sighed. Spike hadn't reacted to anything, not even to the stories about Dawn. They had been so close, and he missed a major part of her life, but he didn't even seem interested.
She decided to switch tactics. "Lorne told me about your soul. How did you get it, Spike?"
"Earned it."
Buffy beamed. He responded. He was talking to her. It wasn't much, but it was a start. "How?"
"I don't remember."
"What do you remember?"
"Vampires are dirty." There was no emotion in his voice when he said it, and she winced at how distant his eyes looked.
"Why does he keep saying that?" Angel asked from the doorway.
"I don't know."
"Buffy. Lies."
"I..Give me time to explain it Angel."
"You can't avoid it forever."
"I know." She glanced at Spike, "Do you want us to leave?"
"Yes."
"Fine. Come on Angel."
*** Spike closed his eyes as she left. He collapsed onto his chair and tilted his head back. She let that goddamned poser bite her. She forced Angel to bite her. But she would never let him get that close.
This sitting around, defenseless and lonely, was wearing on him. He was sick of playing by her rules..sick of Captain Cardboard strutting around like he owned the fucking place because he got to shag the Slayer and let the world know it. He was sick of being the vague, dirty secret in her life.
He knew what he was signing up for when they started sleeping together. But some nights he thought they were getting close, actually starting some form of relationship not based on desperate sex in the dark and secret places of the city. Then she would rip it out from under him. This time it was by letting Dracula bite her. Same shit, different day really.
He needed to get the chip out. That was just all there was to it. He was waiting around for crumbs and scraps, but she would never treat him like a man, and he was quickly losing self-respect and dignity.
He lit a cigarette and enjoyed the fragrant smoke that floated around his head. He fantasized alternately of shagging, fighting, and killing the Slayer. With a sigh of disgust, he realized that even in his killing fantasies, he never actually went through it. If he got the chip out, she would try to kill him. But at least if they were fighting again, she would recognize him as a worthy opponent, and no matter how briefly, she'd be forced to respect him again.
"Spikey? Blondie-bear?"
Spike jumped, he hadn't even heard her come in. "What are you doing here, Harmony?" He growled.
"Just letting you know that I'm back in town, and I have minions. And a plan. To kill the Slayer."
"Really? That's fascinating, pet, but you're stealing my song." He lit another cigarette, "Now get out before I throw you out."
"Fine, I didn't want to have sex anyway!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Harm, wait a tic. You can stay."
"Goodie," she squealed, jumping on his lap.
"Harm, you want to help me get my.."
*** "..chip out?"
"Yeah."
"Wait, wait, wait. He teamed up with Harmony to get his chip out?"
"Yeah. Look, it wasn't exactly an example of Spike thinking clearly."
"Did he succeed?"
"No, but he nearly killed Riley in the process of trying. And he tried to."
"Tried to what?"
"Bite me."
Angel gaped, "As in, kill you? Or just mark you?"
Buffy shook her head sadly, "I still don't know to this day what his intentions were."
"And you didn't stake."
*** ".him?" Riley demanded.
"It all worked out in the end," Buffy said, then wish she hadn't said anything at all.
"He tried to kill me!"
"Not directly." Goddamnit, when would she learn to keep her mouth shut?
"Buffy, what the fuck is wrong with you? He almost got his chip out today, if it was gone, he would have killed you!"
"I know," she muttered. She didn't push him away, couldn't fight him off, because she was simply too shocked. She shouldn't have been fighting him in that tiny doctor's office, while her boyfriend's heart was about to give out. She shouldn't have been fighting him at all. He wasn't her enemy anymore. He betrayed Adam for her. He loved her, treated her like something unique and precious. Was she really so naïve that he tricked her into thinking that he loved her?
Buffy shook her head at her own stupidity. Maybe vampires could love, but they were still soulless. She never should have trusted him. And now she would have to dust him, though she literally shook at the thought.
"I'll go take care of it now," she said, "while the sun's up. He'll be asleep..not expecting it."
She left Riley without waiting for his response and walked blindly to the crypt. She prayed that he was alone, because she would die if Harmony was in his bed. How could he sleep with somebody else?
When she entered the crypt, he was alone. Not asleep. Waiting for her.
"You came sooner than I expected, luv," he said conversationally.
"You tried to bite me," she said numbly.
"Yeah, I sure did," he agreed, not a trace of regret or apology in his voice.
"Your chip.." Buffy closed her eyes. She didn't love him, couldn't love him, but all of a sudden she thought her heart was breaking. How could he do this to her? How could he make her kill her lover again? Didn't he care about her in the slightest?
He got up then, she didn't open her eyes but could sense him standing within touching distance. "Why?" She whispered.
"Buffy. Slayer, I can't live like this anymore." His voice was soft now.
"Like what?"
"Your leashed lapdog. You won't have me and nobody else wants me."
"So you decided to turn into a mad killer again?"
"Well, yeah."
"So you could tear me apart." It wasn't a question. She made him hate her so much that he wanted to kill her. Oh God.
"No, no Buffy. I don't.." Spike paused. Was he going to reassure her that he didn't want to kill her? Then what was up with trying to bite her? "I don't want you to die. I don't want to kill you." "I want to believe you, Spike. I really do. But this..Spike.." She had a choice then. Let the power of the Slayer fill her with icy resolve and finish the job, or break down and let him know exactly how much he had hurt her. He was always encouraging her to talk about her feelings, but she couldn't trust him anymore. This wasn't something you could just talk out.
"How could you be so selfish?" She finally asked.
"Me? You are the one sleeping with two guys right now, pulling us both by our short hairs, holding out a part of yourself until we're both helpless and begging." His words stung her deeply.
"You were going to make me kill you. How could you do that? Do you think I enjoy killing my lovers?"
"You knew the risk when you started shagging me, Slayer."
"Yeah," she said weakly, "I did. I was stupid. I thought I could trust you."
Those words effectively ripped out his heart. He couldn't keep up the Big Bad façade anymore, he couldn't act like he didn't care, like he wanted to hurt her. He was extremely angry when he decided to get the chip out, and he did something rash. Story of his life. But maybe he could fix this.
"Buffy, I'm sorry. I was angry, I wasn't thinking. I won't do this to you again."
"How do I know you're telling the truth?"
Spike shrugged, "You can't."
"I don't want to regret this, Spike. I don't want to regret being with you or letting you live."
"I understand."
"I..I need time to think. Just.stay away from me while I think about all of this."
"Ok." He could promise to leave her alone, but he wouldn't stop watching her. Had to have her back, after all.
"Goodbye Spike." She walked out and Spike was left by himself to curse his own stupidity and try to figure out what he could do to make it up to her.
