Chapter 14

Spike was flabbergasted. Buffy had a little girl? Buffy was a mother? That means there must be a father. Was Buffy married? Oh God, he couldn't even begin to think about that. Buffy couldn't be married. Could this really be her little girl?

"Go on upstairs and tell Aunt Dawn we're home," Buffy said gently, then led Spike into the house as the little girl half waddled, half crawled up the stairs. She noticed the shocked look on his face and smiled. "She's not mine, Spike."

"She's not?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, she's Willow and Tara's little girl."

"Where are the Witches?" Spike asked, relief pouring over him.

Buffy frowned and motioned for him to sit down on the couch. "They had Joyce four years ago. They were so happy, both of them were great parents. The named me legal guardian in case anything happened to them. It was really more of precaution than anything, nobody thought that I would outlive them."

"What happened?"

"Two years ago, they were both in a car accident." Buffy's throat constricted, "Willow died instantly, but Tara held on for a few more days. She was able to say goodbye to Joyce, begged me to take care of her."

Out of habit, Spike took Buffy's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Anyway, I've had her for the past two years, and it's been so hard. But worth it. She reminds me so much of Willow and Tara, and she's so smart. We all do our best to take care of her. Me, Xander, Giles, Dawn when she's here."

"She's obviously very loved," Spike murmured.

Buffy smiled weakly, "I don't mean to get all watery on you. I'll go upstairs and make sure the guestroom is vamp-proof."

Spike didn't let go of her hand. Buffy sat back slightly. This was the Spike she remembered, caring and concerned about her. God she missed him so, so much. At first she didn't think she would survive without his support, but as when everybody else left, she carried on and did splendidly. She really didn't need Spike to live her life, but she would be lying if she said she didn't want him apart of it.

"I wanted a child for so long, you know? I never thought I'd be a mother. I actually thought I'd be a horrible mother."

"Why?" Spike asked.

Buffy snorted, "Why do you think? What if I got killed or seriously injured? Plus, sometimes I felt so hollow, like I couldn't love anybody..like I wouldn't be able to love a child, even if she was mine."

"But that's not the case."

"No," Buffy agreed, "it's not."

Spike couldn't respond because it sounded like a herd of elephants were stampeding down the stairs. Spike stood up as he saw Dawn carrying Joyce, hurrying down the stairs as fast as she dared. He couldn't believe his eyes. Dawn had grown into a beautiful young woman. Gone was the child he once knew, and in her place was a strong, competent woman with a winning smile and a proud posture.

"Spike," she greeted warmly, putting down the red-headed little girl. "I'm so happy your back."

Spike stood staring at her, unable to respond. He missed ten years of her life. Did he even know her anymore? She was no longer his little bit. He half expected her to be angry with him for leaving, but then he remembered that she wasn't a little girl anymore, feeling alone and half-abandoned. Spike did the only thing he could think to do. He held out his arms in a silent invitation.

Dawn paused for a second, then wrapped her arms around him. Spike sighed and hugged her back. He didn't know how he felt about Buffy. His emotions and logic were at war. It didn't help that he was only recently sane and hadn't quite got his bearings back. But he knew he still cared for his Bit.

"Where have you been?" She asked, finally stepping back.

"Crazy," Spike answered with a straight face.

"You never wrote," Dawn accused.

Spike shrugged, "Until five days ago, I didn't even know who I was."

Buffy nodded in agreement, "He was pretty out of it."

Joyce tugged and Buffy's pants and demanded that she be picked up. "I missed you, Aunt Buffy."

"You still have to go to bed," Buffy said. In response, Joyce stuck out her lip. "We'll go to the park tomorrow," Buffy promised, and that seemed to sooth the child before the torrent of tears could start.

"Spike, do you need anything?" Dawn asked.

He shook his head, "I just want to go to bed."

And like someone had flipped off a light, Spike was back to his quiet, morose self. Dawn sensed the change in him and looked to Buffy for help, but all she could do was shrug. "I'll take you upstairs," Dawn said.

Spike didn't expect to be led to Buffy's old room. "This is where you're staying," Dawn announced.

Spike frowned, but didn't answer. This room held many great memories, and some not-so-great memories. But all traces that this was once Buffy's room had been removed, and it really didn't even smell like her anymore.

"If you need anything, Buffy is sleeping in the master bedroom."

"What about you Bit?"

She shrugged, "I stay at a hotel when I'm in town. I love Joyce dearly, but sometimes it's nice to get away from her."

Spike nodded and began removing his boots. Dawn left the room, shutting the door behind her. Spike was thankful for that small amount of privacy. He had not counted on sharing a house with Buffy and a four year old girl. He frowned, maybe staying here really wasn't a good idea. He had his doubts before, but now he was really worried. He didn't know how long he would be lucid, and he felt all mixed up inside. What if he snapped and scared, or worse, hurt Joyce?

He'd talk to Buffy about it the next day. For now though, all he wanted to do was lose himself in dreams. In his dreams, everything was extremely simple and straightforward. There was no guilt gnawing away at him constantly, no resentment, jealously, angry, hatred, love, or confusion. It was just him, inside of Buffy, feeling her warm flesh and smelling the heady aroma her arousal and the tangy musk of her sweat and power pouring out of her skin. It was just the two of them and.

*** .words weren't needed, but that didn't make Spike shut-up. Buffy didn't mean hearing the murmured words of love and devotion though. They soothed her anger and calmed her, even as his touch soothed her feverish skin.

She lost herself in his arms, turning herself over to him completely. Had it been over a month since they had been together? So many things have happened, and she was already so tired. She needed this respite where she could just be a woman, held tenderly by her lover. In a few hours she would be the Slayer again, but in the meantime, she wanted to leave those problems behind her. She wanted to let Spike strip them away from her one by one, until it was just her laying beneath him quivering with longing, aching with desire.

When they were done, and Buffy lay quivering in his arms, she decided to confide in him. He was her confidant, after all.

"Dawn isn't real," she whispered.

"What?"

Buffy took a deep breath, "Dawn. She isn't real. She is some sort of mystical key..some monks turned the Key into a little girl and gave her to me, so I could take care of her. Just a couple of months ago."

"That's rot," Spike said, "I remember her since she was just a little girl."

Buffy shook her head, "The monks created memories for all of us."

Spike was silent for several minutes, finally he asked, "How do you know?"

"One of the monks told me. Apparently, it has something to do with Glory."

"Glory?"

"Kicked my ass a few nights ago. She's a Hellgod. She sent a snake thing the other night to try to track the Key. She's looking for Dawn, she doesn't know what form the key is in. We can't let anybody find out, Spike. Not even Dawn."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Slayer?"

"I can't let other people know, Spike. It'll put her life in danger."

"Not other people. The bit will find out one way or the other. I think you should tell her."

"How?"

Spike shrugged, "I'm sure you'll think of something. Who else knows?"

"Giles."

"Shouldn't you tell your mum?"

"I don't know. I think she has enough to worry about."

"How is she?"

Buffy shook her head, "Not good. She's still in the hospital; she's scheduled for surgery soon. She asked them if she could go home between now and then. They'll let me know tomorrow."

"I'm here if you need..

*** ".anything?"

Spike growled in frustration. "I need you to stop asking that question!"

"Sorry, I just want to make sure you're comfortable." Buffy was getting really sick of apologizing to him. Fuck, why was she even helping him to begin with? He obviously didn't want anything to do with her. It's not like she didn't have enough to worry about without his whiny ass.

"Look, I'm fine. I'm not an invalid, if I need anything I can take care of myself." His tone wasn't as testy, but she could tell his patience was wearing thin. Well fuck it, so was hers.

"Like you've been doing for the past ten years?" She asked.

"I'm still here aren't I? Still fed myself and dressed myself. Trust me, Slayer, I can survive without you moddly-coddling me."

"You could at least show a little gratitude."

"For what? I didn't want you to bring me here."

"Will you keep your voice down? I just put Joyce to bed."

"I didn't want you to bring me here," Spike repeated, just above a whisper.

"What is wrong with you? Why do you hate me all of a sudden?"

"Buffy, do you have any idea what I'm going through? No, you don't. You don't even care, you're still a self-centered little cheer leader."

Buffy's eyes widened and she took another step into the room. "That is one hell of a thing for you to say to me, you bastard. You are most arrogant, self-centered person I have ever met. So, why don't you enlighten me?"

Spike glared at her, "Do you really want to know? I have the guilt of tens of thousands of murders. As if that wasn't enough, I still have the agony and pain of being in love with you. But oddly enough, I hate you too. Gee, I wonder why that can be?"

"I don't know, Spike, why don't you tell me?"

"I don't need to explain it to you, Slayer. You know exactly what you did, because it was exactly what you meant to do."

"And how is that any different from what you did to me?"

"Would you have preferred me to lie to you, Slayer? I did what I thought was right, for once in my life. Fat lot of good it did me."

"No, I didn't want you to lie to me, Spike. But I didn't mean to hurt you. I was angry, I wasn't thinking."

"Buffy, that excuse just isn't going to cut it with me. You said the things you knew would destroy me, and you did it on purpose. So yeah, I hate you. And I love you. And I'm so beneath you, all of you, that I can't stand it. So could you please just give me some time?"

"Spike, I want to help."

"It all hurts too much for that."

Buffy turned to leave, but before she did she looked over her shoulder. "You got your spark back, Spike. Maybe you're closer to help that you think you are."