Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

By Mieren

Heero was still smirking at the miserable fate his fellow pilots had earned by daring to mess with the self-proclaimed Shinigami.  At the moment, they had a reprieve, the braided pilot being on a simple infiltration mission.  A soft noise that might have been a chuckle escaped his lips as he turned to his laptop to see if there was something he could hack into.

He was safe.  Even if the American did something to him out of sheer boredom, it would be relatively harmless.  After all, he hadn't done anything to tick off the spastic lunatic.  Quatre and Trowa had physically attacked and then humiliated him because Wufei had played a prank on him.  All three pilots had suffered for it, Wufei especially since he had initiated it.  Heero made sure that he had been caught, ratting out his fellow terrorist to keep Duo's attention away from himself.

A stray thought ran menacingly through the Japanese pilot's mind and he shivered.  He had known what the raven-haired pilot had been planning, but he hadn't told Duo until after the fact.  Cobalt eyes widened.  He hadn't said anything.  In his silence, he had drawn the American's attention without even realizing it.

Suddenly, Heero began to wonder if the superstitions about disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle had any truth to them.  He was tempted to personally find out.

*     *     *

Duo fiddled with a video camera, humming softly to himself as he set it up.  The mission had gone without a hitch, the data disks stowed safely in his jacket pocket.  Now, he was preparing to collect a little video footage for his own personal agenda.  Halfway across the room from him was the star of the video, shifting nervously from foot to foot.  Duo looked up and grinned.

"Ready!" he announced gleefully.

*     *     *

Heero returned from a quick destroy-everything-there-including-the-officers-underwear mission to find that Duo had returned from his infiltration mission.  He sighed softly in relief when he saw that the braided pilot was completely uninterested in him, surrounded by a few hundred candy wrappers as he read manga.  The Japanese teen stared at him suspiciously before opening his laptop and starting his mission report.  He paused for a moment to speak to the chocolate-guzzling American.

"Where is the data disk?"

"Here," Duo answered, tossing it carelessly across the room.  Heero snatched it out of the air, scowling at the other pilot's mishandling of important information.  For the sake of his health, he didn't comment on it.

After working tirelessly on his report for an hour, cursing silently when he had to reference something off of the encoded disk Duo had provided, he finally couldn't take it anymore.  The braided pilot was making all sorts of inane noise!

Crunch.  Crunch.  Slurp.  Crackle.  Lick-lick-lick.  Crinkle.  Giggle.  Shuffle-shuffle.  Roll-kick-snort.  Chomp.  Slurp.  Crackle-crackle.  Sniffle-snort.  Crunch.

"Be quiet," Heero finally growled over his shoulder, scowling.  Duo glanced up at him, half of a chocolate bar hanging from his mouth.  He grinned around it.

"Candy wrappers make noise, Hee-chan," he said merrily.  "No way around it if you want a good snack."  Heero stared at the piles of wrappers skeptically.

"It's not healthy."

"Well, duh," Duo retorted.  Heero blinked at him in confusion.

"Then why are you eating it?"

Duo stared at him, utterly stupefied.  "You're kidding, right?"

"No."

"It tastes good!" Duo said, sounding like he had just had to explain that water was wet.  He blinked violet eyes in confusion.  "Haven't you ever had candy?"

"No.  It is not necessary for a system to function."

Duo sighed.  "Pull the stick out of yon ass," he said tiredly.  When Heero glared at him, he raised his hands in a defeated gesture.  "I don't know what your problem is with it, though.  If you think about it, it's mostly sugar.  It is, after all, the basic molecular unit carried by the bloodstream to the body for energy."

Heero froze, shocked that Duo knew even the rudimentary facts of biochemistry.  Grunting, he reminded himself that despite how irritating and immature he acted, Duo was a Gundam pilot.  Choosing to ignore the braided idiot, he responded in his usual fashion.

"Hn."

"You should really try something, you know," Duo chuckled.  "You might like it."

"Hn."

"I bet you twenty bucks that you like it!" Duo goaded.

"It's not even your money," Heero pointed out.  "You just stole it from an Oz account."

Duo frowned.  "Fine.  How about this?  If you don't like it, I'll shut up."

Heero blinked, fingers stopping their incessant typing.  He swiveled in his chair to regard the grinning lunatic sitting across from him.  His suspicions flared, but he couldn't resist the lure.

"Why are you so insistent?" he demanded.

"Because I want to see the almighty Perfect Soldier proven wrong," Duo answered, smirking.

Heero's eyes narrowed.  "For how long?"

"Until nightfall," he promised.  "I'll even leave to make sure of it.  Hell, I'll even leave if I'm right and you like it."

Heero paused, pondering the win-win situation.  Finding nothing dangerous about it, he nodded his acquiescence.  Duo grinned wider and began poking through his stash of tooth-rotting treats, finally snagging a sucker and lobbing it across the room.  Eyeing the hard candy like it was a grenade, Heero caught the small glob of sugar on a stick.  One eyebrow arched.

"A Tootsie Pop?"

"How many licks and all, you know?" Duo retorted.  Heero grunted.

"What flavor is this?"

"Cherry," Duo said without hesitation.

Sighing, Heero pulled on the wrapper, frowning slightly when he found it to be stuck to the candy, as though the sucker had gotten too moist.  Blaming humidity, he ripped off the paper and calmly inspected the red ball of glucose before sighing and inserting the sphere into his mouth.  He almost pulled it out immediately just to tell Duo he was wrong, but he found that the flavor wasn't entirely unpleasant.  Tucking the sweet into his cheek, he glared at the American.

"I've tried it.  Leave," he said, his words only slightly slurred from the hindrance of the mass sitting in his mouth.

"I knew you'd like it," Duo gloated.  Heero glared.

Stretching, the American pilot rose to his feet and stretched, several vertebrae cracking loudly as he regained his feet for the first time in several hours.  Dusting the crumbs off of his shirt, and there were a lot of them, he paused.  His fingers strayed to a pocket they had passed and he pulled out a disk, staring at it for a moment before shrugging.  He turned to Heero and held it out.

"Uh, here.  I guess you need this one too," he said, grinning sheepishly.  Heero sighed and grabbed the proffered disk.

"Leave," he repeated.  Duo saluted and sauntered out the door.

Sucking absently on the candy, Heero inserted the disk into his computer, hacking through the codes in a matter of a few seconds.  A single video file showed up on the disk.  He opened it.

Relena appeared onscreen, peeking at the camera hesitantly, clearly embarrassed.  She murmured something that sounded suspiciously like 'Happy birthday, Heero," before quickly looking away again.  Slowly, she began shedding her garments until she was completely nude, reclining on the floor.  She reached just out of the camera's focus to close her hand around a single item, bringing it back into view with her nude form.  It was a Tootsie Pop.

The lithe blond pulled the wrapper off of the sucker and tentatively licked the ruby sphere with the barest tip of her tongue.  Still nervous, she trailed the sticky sweet down her body, slipping it between her legs and pushing it into…

Heero gagged and spat the sucker onto the laptop.  His face fought between furious crimson and mortified, nauseous white.  He settled on leaping out of his chair to exterminate the source of his constant, brain and gut twisting, irritation.

"DUO!!!  OMAE O KOROSU!!!"

Mad laughter floated back to his ears, barely heard over the stampede of footsteps as a certain braided idiot fled for his life.

To Be Continued… Maybe…

What do you think?  R&R!

For now, I need reviews on this.  I am seriously running out of ideas of perverted things for them to do to each other.  Comments?  Ideas?  R&R!!!