A/N-Thank you so much for all of the reviews, email, and support. I really
appreciate it. You guys are the greatest. I hope you continue to enjoy my
story...it looks like it's going to be a long one.
Chapter 18
"How long will he be staying here?" Xander asked as he helped Buffy set the table.
She shrugged, "I don't know. We haven't really talked about it."
"Joyce seems to like him," he commented. Buffy couldn't tell if he was upset about that or not.
"Yeah, she freaked out a bit when she found out he's a vampire," Buffy said casually.
"Wait, wait, wait," Xander said, holding up his hands, "I thought we decided we weren't going to tell her about vampires yet."
"Well, we weren't. But Spike accidentally vamped out yesterday morning, and the cat was sorta out of the bag."
"Accidentally? Was he trying to hurt her?"
Buffy took a deep breath, slightly upset at how suspicious Xander was. Why would he think that Spike would try to hurt her little girl? "No, she frightened him."
Xander started laughing. "Little Joyce frightened the Big Bad?"
Buffy went into the living room to check on Joyce and Spike. They were sitting comfortably together on the couch, watching a NOVA special about whales. She watched them for several minutes, with a small smile tugging at her lips. Occasionally Joyce would ask a question, and Spike would answer patiently. Buffy could tell by the smile on Joyce's face and her body language that she had just found her new best friend.
"Joyce, it's time to go wash up for dinner."
"I don't want to."
"Go on, Joyce. You know you have to."
Joyce scowled at her and crawled off the couch and walked angrily into the kitchen. "She's got a temper," Buffy explained, watching her go.
"Yeah, so did Red."
"It wasn't so close to the surface though. If she's bothering you..."
Spike shook his head, "Nah, she's no bother."
"Are you sure you don't want to eat with us?"
"I'm sure I can't deal with Harris right now."
"He'll be on his best behavior," Buffy offered.
Spike snorted, "Whatever. No, I'll just finish watching this fine program."
Buffy, Xander, and Joyce at in silence. Joyce practically breathed her food in so she could leave the table. It was obvious to Buffy that she was eager to get back to Spike. And Buffy couldn't really blame her. She always enjoyed her weekly dinners with Xander, but tonight she just wanted to leave Joyce with Spike and go patrolling. She needed time and space to think, because things just weren't working out, and she didn't understand why.
She hurried Xander through dinner and out the door, and hoped that he didn't take offense. He had a question in his eyes, but he allowed her to rush him through the evening.
"Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Depends."
"Will you keep an eye on Joyce while I patrol? I'll be back in an hour."
"No problem."
Buffy frowned, "If you're sure.."
"I'm sure. Go patrol."
"I'll put her to bed when I get home."
"Ok."
Spike looked at her, eyebrows raised, waiting for her to grab her coat and just leave already. Joyce ignored her. Now there was a National Geographic Special about polar bears, and she was entranced. Buffy reassured herself that they were fine and opened the.
..door, allowing Spike to enter first. "We don't have a lot time. You get the weapons downstairs, I have some in my room."
"Buffy.." Spike grabbed her arm.
"Not now, Spike."
"Then when? I need to talk to you."
"We have to go, they're waiting for us. Dawn is..."
"I know. Buffy.."
"We're not all going to make it."
"I know."
"I'm counting on you to protect her."
"Till the end of the world, even if that happens to be tonight."
"Thank you." Spike watched her walk upstairs, and he thought he might choke. She was so beautiful, and tonight, she was all Slayer. She had purpose. And for the first time in weeks, Spike saw spirit. The world had been holding her down, and the weight of it had suffocated her. She wouldn't let him, or anybody else, help. But tonight, she was going to use all of her troops, and she was going to save her sister and the world. Because that's what she did.
"Ready?" She asked, returning.
"Buffy, I.."
"Spike, please, let's just go."
"Damnit Buffy, you are going to listen to me."
She stopped and turned around, "What?"
"I love you."
She sighed, "Spike, I know. Come on."
"Buffy, please. You think you aren't going to see the sunrise, but you will. I won't let anything happen to Dawn."
Buffy smiled, and cupped his cheek with her hand. "I know. I." Buffy paused, and remembered what her Spirit Guide said. The Slayer forges strength from love. Love. "Spike, I love you too."
Spike gaped, his blue eyes wide with disbelief. "Slayer?"
"Come on. We have a war to fight."
Spike followed her out quietly, ready for the battle. Tonight was not the night for mushy sentiments and romantic declarations of love. There would be time enough tomorrow night for that. Buffy led the way to the Magic Box, satisified that if she didn't make it through, then at least Spike would know that she loved...
***
.him. That was the problem. Even after ten years, she still loved him. She never stopped loving him, no matter what she told him before he left. She was stupid. And crazy. She would have to tell Spike about that sometime. How crazy she was.
She should have spent more time looking for him. Spike didn't exactly blend into his environment. If she had just put up more of an effort, he wouldn't have been gone so long. She could have saved him from himself, and they wouldn't have lost ten years.
Part of Buffy believed that, but the other part recognized that their relationship had never been easy, and there was no reason to believe even if she had found him sooner, things would be different than they are now.
Slaying wasn't a challenge at all anymore, and there were very few vamps left in Sunnydale. Demons were still attracted to the Hellmouth though, but fewer and fewer came each year. If she didn't have Joyce, she would probably move away and find some place with more activity, a place that needed her more. But she had something resembling a life in Sunnydale, and so while the threat grew less menacing, she stuck around.
For awhile she had toyed with the thought of moving to Los Angeles and working with Angel. He had told her more than once that he could use all the help he could get. It seemed that all the demons and vamps that were skipping Sunnydale were vacationing in L.A. But it would have been too difficult for her to live there and watch Angel and Cordelia together. She could accept they loved each other, but it still stung a little.
And of course, she always had that little bit of hope that Spike would return and look for her in Sunnydale. It wouldn't do to miss him because she was living in L.A.
She sighed and turned east, towards the last two cemeteries of the night. Hopefully she'd be home before the evening news started.
***
Spike had to admit, he liked watching TV with Joyce. She asked a lot of questions, but that didn't bother him. He was happy to answer them. She yawned widely and then grinned at him, her eyes sparkling.
"Are you tired?" He asked.
She shook her head, "No. It's not my bedtime."
Spike looked at the clock. "Buffy said you should be in bed by nine. It's past nine-thirty."
"I don't wanna go to bed."
"I know, but we don't want to make Buffy mad, do we?"
"No. Will you tell me a story?"
"I don't know any," Spike protested. Well, that was technically true. He didn't know any that was suitable for four year old girls. The last thing he needed was to be responsible for more nightmares.
"Please. I'm sure you know lots."
"Ok, ok. Let's go."
"Carry me?"
Spike rolled his eyes, then lifted her warm, wriggly body into his arms. She was soft, and smelt like candy and apples. She relaxed against him, and Spike marveled at how trusting she was. There wasn't a doubt in her head that Spike would take care of her. Spike realized that he wanted to take care of her.
"Right then, here you are," he said, depositing her in her bed.
"I need to brush my teeth."
"You can do that in the morning."
"Buffy says I should do it every night."
"Yeah, well, Buffy isn't here, is she? Now lay down."
Joyce obeyed, and pulled her Muppets comforter up to her chin. "Spike, did you know my mommies?"
"I did."
"Tell me about them."
Spike settled himself on the bed beside her. "Well, Willow, she was a smart bird. Cute too. She used to wear this skirt and pink sweater that..well, anyway, she was a smart girl. She was kind hearted, always wanted to take care of people and save the world. And her bird.Tara..she was a good woman. Classy."
"How did you know them?"
"Well, a long time ago, we were all friends." Sort of. Spike didn't think he could explain the whole thing to the little girl.
"Tell me a story about them."
Spike closed his eyes and thought for a moment. He never spent too much time with the Witches, until after Buffy died, and that wasn't a time he liked to remember. But they took care of him, and for that short time, they all got along.
"Well, there was this one time they saved my life."
"How?"
"A long time ago, long before you were born, someone I loved very much died."
"I'm sorry," Joyce interrupted, and Spike felt a pierce of guilt as her eyes began to well up.
"Oh, it's ok," he hastened to her assure her, "it's ok now. Let me tell you. See, I loved her very much and I didn't think I could make it one more...
***
".night," Tara said, concern etched across her face. "And if he does make it through the night, he'll just be waiting outside for the sun."
"What should we do about it?" Willow asked. "We can't worry about him right now. We have so many other things..and...and how can we take care of him?"
"We have each other, Will. You saw how devastated he was...he doesn't have anybody. I think Buffy was his best friend."
Willow frowned, "Why would you think that? All they did was work together. Why? Do you think they did more than work together?"
"Willow, we can worry about that later. Let's get Spike here so we can keep an eye on him. Dawn is worried about him too."
"What if he won't come over willingly?"
Tara shrugged, "We have to try."
They walked to his crypt in silence, their battered and sore bodies protesting. They should be resting, they were both exhausted. But if Tara was worried about the welfare of the vampire, then Willow would help her do whatever she thought needed to be done.
When they arrived, they found Spike sitting on the floor, propped up against the sarcophagus. His clothes were filthy, and blood was still seeping out of his back onto the concrete floor. He was staring blankly into space, and he didn't even look up when they entered.
"Spike," Tara said gently, kneeling beside him, "Come with us so we can take care of your wounds."
He didn't respond.
"Spike, we want to help you. Please come back with us."
"Can't," Spike muttered.
Tara looked up at Willow, hopeful. If he was responding then she had a better chance with him. "Spike, yes you can. Come on, you're bleeding."
"What time is it?"
Tara looked at her watch, "A couple of hours until dawn. That's why you need to come with us now."
"Waiting for dawn."
"Spike, you can't. Please, we need you," Willow said, kneeling on the other side of him. Losing Buffy was..but they couldn't lose Spike too. Not now. Dawn loved him and she needed him. And if Willow was going to be totally honest, she could admit that they all needed him. He was the strongest one. And the threat was never gone for long.
"Don't need me."
"Yes, yes we do," Tara insisted. But Spike didn't respond, and he wouldn't allow himself to be pulled to his feet. He never actively dissuaded them from helping him, but he didn't really let them help him either. He said, unmovable, unseeing, uncaring, while they tugged on him and pleaded with him. Finally, when they were just about to give up, he stood, without warning.
He moved across the crypt slowly. Willow watched him go, happy to see that he was cooperating with him.
"Willow, quick!" Tara shouted, just as Spike opened the door, and they saw dawn's first fingers light the entry.
With a flick of her wrist, Willow slammed the door shut just as Tara ran across the room and yanked Spike back. "What's wrong you?" She shouted, and Willow's eyes widened with surprise. She had never heard her sweet girlfriend raise her voice to anybody before.
"I killed her," Spike shouted back. "Now, let me go."
Tara shook her head, "You didn't kill her, Spike."
"If I had done my part, she wouldn't have died. If I had protected Dawn she wouldn't have..I can't..." Spike looked at her helplessly, "Just please let me go."
"Come with us Spike. Please."
"You don't understand. Red, she understands, don't you? You don't want to be here. Take your bird and go home."
Willow shook her head, "Spike, it's not your fault."
Spike was about to protest when the door flung open, and Spike reflexively took a step back, away from the sun. "There you are," Giles exclaimed. "We've been searching for the past 3 hours."
"We're trying to help Spike," Tara explained softly. "He wants to.." Spike made another lunge for the door, and again, Willow slammed it shut. "Go for a walk," she finished for Tara.
"Yes, I see." Giles looked bad and felt even worse. All he could think was that his Slayer was gone. Over and over and over he replayed the fall in his mind, as he stood helpless and mute with horror, watching her plunge to her death. It seemed that he really noticed Spike for the first time, and realized that he was just as battered physically and emotionally as the rest of them. "Spike, why don't you let me drive you to Buf..Dawn's. She wants to take care of you."
Spike looked at him, his blue eyes wide and wet with tears. "She doesn't want anything to do with me. I failed, I.." He squared his shoulders, and in a blink of an eye, the tears were gone. Suddenly, he didn't look so suicidal. "Right then, take me to Dawn."
Spike's plan was to sneak out of the house later that day, when they were all gone or asleep. He didn't want to live without Buffy, and he couldn't go one with the knowledge that it was his fault. That he had failed to live up to his promise. That he had failed to protect the two most precious things in his life, and now the Slayer...his Slayer...was gone.
But Tara wouldn't let him. She kept a close eye on him, sleeping only after Willow gave Spike a sleeping potent, guaranteed to knock him out for at least 24 hours. She kept an eye on him even after that low, as the days turned into weeks that stretched into long, harsh, unforgivable months. She wouldn't let him give on Dawn, or the rest of them.
Every morning, Spike would wake up at dawn, and head upstairs to the kitchen. His hand would hover over the doorknob, as he gathered the courage to do what he felt was truly necessary, and every morning, she would place her hand on his and guide him away from the door. They never spoke a word about it, but it was a ritual and neither ever failed to show up for. Did he ever thank Tara for saving his life...
*** ".everyday," he finished. "They took care of me everyday, until I got my strength back."
Joyce didn't respond, she had drifted off to sleep. Spike smiled and tucked the blanket carefully around her. "Red, Glinda, I know you're watching over her. If you can hear me, I just want to say thanks."
Spike felt rather silly talking to himself, and turned to leave quickly, before he woke up the sleeping girl. He was surprised to see Buffy standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
"How long have you been home?" Spike asked.
"Not long."
"Right, well, I'm off to bed."
Buffy stepped out of his way, then shut the door, after getting one more look at Joyce. "Thanks for taking care of her. Did you make sure she brushed her teeth?"
"Yeah. It was no problem. I like her."
She smiled, "So do I. Is there anything you need before I go to bed?"
Spike studied her face carefully. God, she was still so beautiful. It wouldn't take much for him to gather her up in his arms and kiss her until she was breathless. He wanted to taste her one more time, at least. "No," he finally said softly, "I'm good."
She took a step towards him, and suddenly, he was trapped between her and the bedroom door. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, warming him to his core. His body long to pressed up against hers, and it gravitated towards her smooth skin and soft curves.
Like it always did before when he was this close to her, just a whisper away from touching, time seemed to stand still, and his senses were heightened. He could hear Joyce breathing softly in her room, and he could hear Buffy's pulse race. He could smell her sweet blood just below the scent of peaches and apple shampoo. Surely just one little kiss for old time's sake wouldn't hurt?
Later he would blame the painful memories of losing her. He had just relived his worst nightmare come to life, surely it would be ok to just kiss her, and reassure himself that she was really alive. But whatever the reasons, Spike leaned forward and gently touched her mouth with his lips.
And the world exploded. He lost himself in her taste, her scent, the way she felt against him. His mind was racing with just one thought; love, love, love this woman. Love his Slayer. Love her body and spirt, and he could never let her go. Not ever again. Oh God. His tongue slipped inside her mouth, and it felt like coming home. She still tasted the same. How could she still taste the same? How could he still want her so much?
Spike pulled away before the kiss could turn to something else, and they stared at each other, panting. Spike blinked and tried to clear his head, he couldn't do this. Not right now, maybe not ever. "Slayer, you better go to bed. You look tired."
"Spike?" She looked as confused as he felt, but he couldn't deal with anything more tonight. He couldn't risk doing anything else.
"See you in the morning." He turned and entered his bedroom, the door clicking behind. The lock sounded ominous and loud as he turned it, but it didn't drown the choked sob and the slamming of Buffy's door.
Chapter 18
"How long will he be staying here?" Xander asked as he helped Buffy set the table.
She shrugged, "I don't know. We haven't really talked about it."
"Joyce seems to like him," he commented. Buffy couldn't tell if he was upset about that or not.
"Yeah, she freaked out a bit when she found out he's a vampire," Buffy said casually.
"Wait, wait, wait," Xander said, holding up his hands, "I thought we decided we weren't going to tell her about vampires yet."
"Well, we weren't. But Spike accidentally vamped out yesterday morning, and the cat was sorta out of the bag."
"Accidentally? Was he trying to hurt her?"
Buffy took a deep breath, slightly upset at how suspicious Xander was. Why would he think that Spike would try to hurt her little girl? "No, she frightened him."
Xander started laughing. "Little Joyce frightened the Big Bad?"
Buffy went into the living room to check on Joyce and Spike. They were sitting comfortably together on the couch, watching a NOVA special about whales. She watched them for several minutes, with a small smile tugging at her lips. Occasionally Joyce would ask a question, and Spike would answer patiently. Buffy could tell by the smile on Joyce's face and her body language that she had just found her new best friend.
"Joyce, it's time to go wash up for dinner."
"I don't want to."
"Go on, Joyce. You know you have to."
Joyce scowled at her and crawled off the couch and walked angrily into the kitchen. "She's got a temper," Buffy explained, watching her go.
"Yeah, so did Red."
"It wasn't so close to the surface though. If she's bothering you..."
Spike shook his head, "Nah, she's no bother."
"Are you sure you don't want to eat with us?"
"I'm sure I can't deal with Harris right now."
"He'll be on his best behavior," Buffy offered.
Spike snorted, "Whatever. No, I'll just finish watching this fine program."
Buffy, Xander, and Joyce at in silence. Joyce practically breathed her food in so she could leave the table. It was obvious to Buffy that she was eager to get back to Spike. And Buffy couldn't really blame her. She always enjoyed her weekly dinners with Xander, but tonight she just wanted to leave Joyce with Spike and go patrolling. She needed time and space to think, because things just weren't working out, and she didn't understand why.
She hurried Xander through dinner and out the door, and hoped that he didn't take offense. He had a question in his eyes, but he allowed her to rush him through the evening.
"Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Depends."
"Will you keep an eye on Joyce while I patrol? I'll be back in an hour."
"No problem."
Buffy frowned, "If you're sure.."
"I'm sure. Go patrol."
"I'll put her to bed when I get home."
"Ok."
Spike looked at her, eyebrows raised, waiting for her to grab her coat and just leave already. Joyce ignored her. Now there was a National Geographic Special about polar bears, and she was entranced. Buffy reassured herself that they were fine and opened the.
..door, allowing Spike to enter first. "We don't have a lot time. You get the weapons downstairs, I have some in my room."
"Buffy.." Spike grabbed her arm.
"Not now, Spike."
"Then when? I need to talk to you."
"We have to go, they're waiting for us. Dawn is..."
"I know. Buffy.."
"We're not all going to make it."
"I know."
"I'm counting on you to protect her."
"Till the end of the world, even if that happens to be tonight."
"Thank you." Spike watched her walk upstairs, and he thought he might choke. She was so beautiful, and tonight, she was all Slayer. She had purpose. And for the first time in weeks, Spike saw spirit. The world had been holding her down, and the weight of it had suffocated her. She wouldn't let him, or anybody else, help. But tonight, she was going to use all of her troops, and she was going to save her sister and the world. Because that's what she did.
"Ready?" She asked, returning.
"Buffy, I.."
"Spike, please, let's just go."
"Damnit Buffy, you are going to listen to me."
She stopped and turned around, "What?"
"I love you."
She sighed, "Spike, I know. Come on."
"Buffy, please. You think you aren't going to see the sunrise, but you will. I won't let anything happen to Dawn."
Buffy smiled, and cupped his cheek with her hand. "I know. I." Buffy paused, and remembered what her Spirit Guide said. The Slayer forges strength from love. Love. "Spike, I love you too."
Spike gaped, his blue eyes wide with disbelief. "Slayer?"
"Come on. We have a war to fight."
Spike followed her out quietly, ready for the battle. Tonight was not the night for mushy sentiments and romantic declarations of love. There would be time enough tomorrow night for that. Buffy led the way to the Magic Box, satisified that if she didn't make it through, then at least Spike would know that she loved...
***
.him. That was the problem. Even after ten years, she still loved him. She never stopped loving him, no matter what she told him before he left. She was stupid. And crazy. She would have to tell Spike about that sometime. How crazy she was.
She should have spent more time looking for him. Spike didn't exactly blend into his environment. If she had just put up more of an effort, he wouldn't have been gone so long. She could have saved him from himself, and they wouldn't have lost ten years.
Part of Buffy believed that, but the other part recognized that their relationship had never been easy, and there was no reason to believe even if she had found him sooner, things would be different than they are now.
Slaying wasn't a challenge at all anymore, and there were very few vamps left in Sunnydale. Demons were still attracted to the Hellmouth though, but fewer and fewer came each year. If she didn't have Joyce, she would probably move away and find some place with more activity, a place that needed her more. But she had something resembling a life in Sunnydale, and so while the threat grew less menacing, she stuck around.
For awhile she had toyed with the thought of moving to Los Angeles and working with Angel. He had told her more than once that he could use all the help he could get. It seemed that all the demons and vamps that were skipping Sunnydale were vacationing in L.A. But it would have been too difficult for her to live there and watch Angel and Cordelia together. She could accept they loved each other, but it still stung a little.
And of course, she always had that little bit of hope that Spike would return and look for her in Sunnydale. It wouldn't do to miss him because she was living in L.A.
She sighed and turned east, towards the last two cemeteries of the night. Hopefully she'd be home before the evening news started.
***
Spike had to admit, he liked watching TV with Joyce. She asked a lot of questions, but that didn't bother him. He was happy to answer them. She yawned widely and then grinned at him, her eyes sparkling.
"Are you tired?" He asked.
She shook her head, "No. It's not my bedtime."
Spike looked at the clock. "Buffy said you should be in bed by nine. It's past nine-thirty."
"I don't wanna go to bed."
"I know, but we don't want to make Buffy mad, do we?"
"No. Will you tell me a story?"
"I don't know any," Spike protested. Well, that was technically true. He didn't know any that was suitable for four year old girls. The last thing he needed was to be responsible for more nightmares.
"Please. I'm sure you know lots."
"Ok, ok. Let's go."
"Carry me?"
Spike rolled his eyes, then lifted her warm, wriggly body into his arms. She was soft, and smelt like candy and apples. She relaxed against him, and Spike marveled at how trusting she was. There wasn't a doubt in her head that Spike would take care of her. Spike realized that he wanted to take care of her.
"Right then, here you are," he said, depositing her in her bed.
"I need to brush my teeth."
"You can do that in the morning."
"Buffy says I should do it every night."
"Yeah, well, Buffy isn't here, is she? Now lay down."
Joyce obeyed, and pulled her Muppets comforter up to her chin. "Spike, did you know my mommies?"
"I did."
"Tell me about them."
Spike settled himself on the bed beside her. "Well, Willow, she was a smart bird. Cute too. She used to wear this skirt and pink sweater that..well, anyway, she was a smart girl. She was kind hearted, always wanted to take care of people and save the world. And her bird.Tara..she was a good woman. Classy."
"How did you know them?"
"Well, a long time ago, we were all friends." Sort of. Spike didn't think he could explain the whole thing to the little girl.
"Tell me a story about them."
Spike closed his eyes and thought for a moment. He never spent too much time with the Witches, until after Buffy died, and that wasn't a time he liked to remember. But they took care of him, and for that short time, they all got along.
"Well, there was this one time they saved my life."
"How?"
"A long time ago, long before you were born, someone I loved very much died."
"I'm sorry," Joyce interrupted, and Spike felt a pierce of guilt as her eyes began to well up.
"Oh, it's ok," he hastened to her assure her, "it's ok now. Let me tell you. See, I loved her very much and I didn't think I could make it one more...
***
".night," Tara said, concern etched across her face. "And if he does make it through the night, he'll just be waiting outside for the sun."
"What should we do about it?" Willow asked. "We can't worry about him right now. We have so many other things..and...and how can we take care of him?"
"We have each other, Will. You saw how devastated he was...he doesn't have anybody. I think Buffy was his best friend."
Willow frowned, "Why would you think that? All they did was work together. Why? Do you think they did more than work together?"
"Willow, we can worry about that later. Let's get Spike here so we can keep an eye on him. Dawn is worried about him too."
"What if he won't come over willingly?"
Tara shrugged, "We have to try."
They walked to his crypt in silence, their battered and sore bodies protesting. They should be resting, they were both exhausted. But if Tara was worried about the welfare of the vampire, then Willow would help her do whatever she thought needed to be done.
When they arrived, they found Spike sitting on the floor, propped up against the sarcophagus. His clothes were filthy, and blood was still seeping out of his back onto the concrete floor. He was staring blankly into space, and he didn't even look up when they entered.
"Spike," Tara said gently, kneeling beside him, "Come with us so we can take care of your wounds."
He didn't respond.
"Spike, we want to help you. Please come back with us."
"Can't," Spike muttered.
Tara looked up at Willow, hopeful. If he was responding then she had a better chance with him. "Spike, yes you can. Come on, you're bleeding."
"What time is it?"
Tara looked at her watch, "A couple of hours until dawn. That's why you need to come with us now."
"Waiting for dawn."
"Spike, you can't. Please, we need you," Willow said, kneeling on the other side of him. Losing Buffy was..but they couldn't lose Spike too. Not now. Dawn loved him and she needed him. And if Willow was going to be totally honest, she could admit that they all needed him. He was the strongest one. And the threat was never gone for long.
"Don't need me."
"Yes, yes we do," Tara insisted. But Spike didn't respond, and he wouldn't allow himself to be pulled to his feet. He never actively dissuaded them from helping him, but he didn't really let them help him either. He said, unmovable, unseeing, uncaring, while they tugged on him and pleaded with him. Finally, when they were just about to give up, he stood, without warning.
He moved across the crypt slowly. Willow watched him go, happy to see that he was cooperating with him.
"Willow, quick!" Tara shouted, just as Spike opened the door, and they saw dawn's first fingers light the entry.
With a flick of her wrist, Willow slammed the door shut just as Tara ran across the room and yanked Spike back. "What's wrong you?" She shouted, and Willow's eyes widened with surprise. She had never heard her sweet girlfriend raise her voice to anybody before.
"I killed her," Spike shouted back. "Now, let me go."
Tara shook her head, "You didn't kill her, Spike."
"If I had done my part, she wouldn't have died. If I had protected Dawn she wouldn't have..I can't..." Spike looked at her helplessly, "Just please let me go."
"Come with us Spike. Please."
"You don't understand. Red, she understands, don't you? You don't want to be here. Take your bird and go home."
Willow shook her head, "Spike, it's not your fault."
Spike was about to protest when the door flung open, and Spike reflexively took a step back, away from the sun. "There you are," Giles exclaimed. "We've been searching for the past 3 hours."
"We're trying to help Spike," Tara explained softly. "He wants to.." Spike made another lunge for the door, and again, Willow slammed it shut. "Go for a walk," she finished for Tara.
"Yes, I see." Giles looked bad and felt even worse. All he could think was that his Slayer was gone. Over and over and over he replayed the fall in his mind, as he stood helpless and mute with horror, watching her plunge to her death. It seemed that he really noticed Spike for the first time, and realized that he was just as battered physically and emotionally as the rest of them. "Spike, why don't you let me drive you to Buf..Dawn's. She wants to take care of you."
Spike looked at him, his blue eyes wide and wet with tears. "She doesn't want anything to do with me. I failed, I.." He squared his shoulders, and in a blink of an eye, the tears were gone. Suddenly, he didn't look so suicidal. "Right then, take me to Dawn."
Spike's plan was to sneak out of the house later that day, when they were all gone or asleep. He didn't want to live without Buffy, and he couldn't go one with the knowledge that it was his fault. That he had failed to live up to his promise. That he had failed to protect the two most precious things in his life, and now the Slayer...his Slayer...was gone.
But Tara wouldn't let him. She kept a close eye on him, sleeping only after Willow gave Spike a sleeping potent, guaranteed to knock him out for at least 24 hours. She kept an eye on him even after that low, as the days turned into weeks that stretched into long, harsh, unforgivable months. She wouldn't let him give on Dawn, or the rest of them.
Every morning, Spike would wake up at dawn, and head upstairs to the kitchen. His hand would hover over the doorknob, as he gathered the courage to do what he felt was truly necessary, and every morning, she would place her hand on his and guide him away from the door. They never spoke a word about it, but it was a ritual and neither ever failed to show up for. Did he ever thank Tara for saving his life...
*** ".everyday," he finished. "They took care of me everyday, until I got my strength back."
Joyce didn't respond, she had drifted off to sleep. Spike smiled and tucked the blanket carefully around her. "Red, Glinda, I know you're watching over her. If you can hear me, I just want to say thanks."
Spike felt rather silly talking to himself, and turned to leave quickly, before he woke up the sleeping girl. He was surprised to see Buffy standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
"How long have you been home?" Spike asked.
"Not long."
"Right, well, I'm off to bed."
Buffy stepped out of his way, then shut the door, after getting one more look at Joyce. "Thanks for taking care of her. Did you make sure she brushed her teeth?"
"Yeah. It was no problem. I like her."
She smiled, "So do I. Is there anything you need before I go to bed?"
Spike studied her face carefully. God, she was still so beautiful. It wouldn't take much for him to gather her up in his arms and kiss her until she was breathless. He wanted to taste her one more time, at least. "No," he finally said softly, "I'm good."
She took a step towards him, and suddenly, he was trapped between her and the bedroom door. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, warming him to his core. His body long to pressed up against hers, and it gravitated towards her smooth skin and soft curves.
Like it always did before when he was this close to her, just a whisper away from touching, time seemed to stand still, and his senses were heightened. He could hear Joyce breathing softly in her room, and he could hear Buffy's pulse race. He could smell her sweet blood just below the scent of peaches and apple shampoo. Surely just one little kiss for old time's sake wouldn't hurt?
Later he would blame the painful memories of losing her. He had just relived his worst nightmare come to life, surely it would be ok to just kiss her, and reassure himself that she was really alive. But whatever the reasons, Spike leaned forward and gently touched her mouth with his lips.
And the world exploded. He lost himself in her taste, her scent, the way she felt against him. His mind was racing with just one thought; love, love, love this woman. Love his Slayer. Love her body and spirt, and he could never let her go. Not ever again. Oh God. His tongue slipped inside her mouth, and it felt like coming home. She still tasted the same. How could she still taste the same? How could he still want her so much?
Spike pulled away before the kiss could turn to something else, and they stared at each other, panting. Spike blinked and tried to clear his head, he couldn't do this. Not right now, maybe not ever. "Slayer, you better go to bed. You look tired."
"Spike?" She looked as confused as he felt, but he couldn't deal with anything more tonight. He couldn't risk doing anything else.
"See you in the morning." He turned and entered his bedroom, the door clicking behind. The lock sounded ominous and loud as he turned it, but it didn't drown the choked sob and the slamming of Buffy's door.
