A/N-A few lines were lifted from Tabula Rasa.

Chapter 24

Buffy walked aimlessly through the streets. She was cold. And sore. She gave as good as she got, but that didn't take away from the fact that the next day she'd be covered with bruises. Her face was crusty where her tears had dried. When did she start crying? When did she stop?

It wasn't right that Spike could fight back. He wasn't supposed to be able to fight back. She was supposed to have all the control; she needed the control. Why did he fight back? Why did Dawn argue with her? Why did Willow follow her with large, imploring eyes? Why couldn't they just leave her alone?

She didn't want to go back to the house, and she couldn't go back to Spike. Not yet. Not after breaking down like that. She was alone, in every sense of the word. Nobody could possibly understand who she was, what she was going through. And would they even care to understand? She was too dark for them. Too dark for all of them, except Spike.

And she suspected that Spike wasn't dark enough for her.

The isolation and anger hung around her neck like an albatross, and it got heavier as she walked. The bruises blooming across her face would be a short-term distraction from the bruises inside her mind. It wasn't right that she should hate the world so much. Wasn't she once told that the Slayer was full of love?

Was she even the Slayer anymore? She still had the strength, but she was quite certain that the Slayer was not supposed to envision her friends and family begging her to stop hurting them. She was quite certain that the Slayer was not supposed to beat her boyfriend until they both broke down.

But she couldn't force these feelings away, and she felt like she was walking a tight rope hundreds of feet above the ground. And any second, the rope would snap, sending her plunging in a dark abyss she'd never be able to escape.

She turned east and headed towards her house. The sun was rising in her eyes. They would wonder why she was out all night. Dawn would get that I'm so picked on look in her large blue eyes. Willow would pretend that nothing happened, while flinging silent accusations at her, angry that Buffy wasn't the good ol' Buffster. And Buffy would stare silently back, pleading with them to just give her one reason to give into her violent impulses.

God, when would this...

***

".end?" Dawn asked, wearily rubbing her eyes.

Buffy shook her head, "No, it doesn't. Why don't you head upstairs and get some rest?"

"But I want to help."

"You'll be a bigger help to me if you aren't falling asleep over the books," Buffy pointed out. "I promise, I won't let you sleep long."

Dawn smiled, "Ok, if you promise."

Buffy turned her attention to Xander. "You should go home and get some sleep and a shower."

"No, Buff, I'm fine. Really."

"Xander, I'm going to need your help tonight. You need to be rested and clear-headed."

Xander nodded, conceding the point. "I'll be back before sunset."

"Sounds good."

As soon as she was alone, Buffy slumped on the couch. She needed to think. She needed to process what Giles had told her. Her Watcher suspected that Hades took Joyce as a trade-off. A life for Buffy's. And because Willow was the one who brought her back, Hades took Willow's child.

That made sense on one level, but if he was trying to balance the scales, why not just take Willow herself? And why not do it sooner? It was almost 12 years since Buffy rejoined the land of the living. Giles speculated that Willow and Tara's untimely death was in order to pay off the debt, but their lives weren't enough to make up for a Slayer's.

Or maybe Hades was just another God that wanted to die at her hand. Either way, Buffy would be more than happy to oblige him. She would do anything to get Joyce back.

She could hear Spike in the kitchen, muttering quietly to himself while he finished getting her weapons cleaned and sharpened. After last night, she needed to talk to him. He didn't push her away last night, but this morning he acted like nothing happened. Didn't even spare her a smile. He just got right to work.

For the first time, Buffy was really beginning to understand that Spike did not want to be with her. He hadn't forgiven her. Everybody else had forgiven her, so she just assumed Spike would too. Even Dawn forgave her, and if anybody had a reason not to, it was..

***

"Dawn!"

"What?"

"You're going to be late for school if you don't get your ass down here now!"

Xander held up a hand, "Calm down Buff, she's not that late."

"She's got to learn to be more responsible. You have things you have to do too."

"I really don't mind waiting a few extra minutes."

Buffy spun around and pinned him with her cold green eyes, "She needs to understand that the entire world does not revolve around her. I'm tired of how selfish she is."

"Give her a break, Buffy. She's only 16."

"When I was 16, I was saving the world. I think she can manage to get to school on time."

Dawn finally came down the stairs, looking at her sister warily. "Ready," she announced.

Buffy rounded on her, "It's about time. You come straight back today from school. And if you are even one minute late, you will be grounded."

"But Buffy, I have a.."

"I don't care!" Buffy said tightly. "You heard me."

"But that's not fair."

"Life isn't fair, Dawnie."

"I just don't see why..."

Buffy grabbed Dawn's long, shiny ponytail and jerked slightly. Dawn gasped with pain and shock, and Xander jumped up. "Because I said so, that's why." Buffy's voice never changed pitch or volume. She held onto Dawn's hair for another moment longer and then let go abruptly. "Now go to school."

Dawn glared at her sister and Xander looked on with shock. Buffy's face was stony and impassive as she watched them drive away from the front door. She was tired of Dawn constantly arguing with her. She needed to learn who was the boss around here. As a matter of fact, some changes were going to be made right now.

Buffy grabbed several large garbage bags and marched up to Dawn's room. She opened the closet and began tearing the clothes out of it. Many things were far too short or too tight. The clothes that Dawn had stolen from her sister were put in one pile. The clothes that Buffy deemed inappropriate for Dawn were thrown in the bag. Buffy would go shopping with Dawn this weekend for clothes that were decent.

Buffy then turned her attention onto Dawn's desk. There wasn't much there. Some diaries and pictures, scraps of paper, old homework. She rummaged through the drawers, looking for anything bad and found a few romance novels. She decided she would throw those out with the clothes. She went through the dresser next and then pulled all the stuff from underneath the bed.

What she found enraged her. There was tons of jewelry, some still had price tags. There were a few pieces she recognized from the Magic Shop, and even a ring or two that belonged to Spike. Buffy was so angry that she was shaking. How long had this been going on? Who taught her to do this? Spike? He was the most likely candidate.

She growled with anger. What did Dawn want? To go to prison? She went through the stolen items, categorizing them and trying to figure out which stores they came from. Dawn was going to be grounded for the rest of her life. She tried to stay calm and think about a rational punishment. When Dawn comes home, she would calmly present the evidence against her, calmly explain why exactly she was stupid, and then calmly ground her to her bedroom until she turned 21.

By the end of the morning, Buffy had thrown away two large bags full of Dawn's belongings and had confiscated at least three-dozen other items. She cleaned the house until Dawn got home, trying to work off all her energy. She wanted to be rational and collected when she confronted Dawn. Otherwise Dawn could be hurt.

Buffy was pleased when Dawn came through the door at exactly 3:30. At least she was pleased about something.

"Dawn, don't go up to your room?"

"What Buffy?"

"Sit down."

Dawn sat down tentatively. "What's wrong, Buffy."

Buffy opened one tightly closed hand to reveal several necklaces and two types of lipstick. "Where did you get this?"

"Buffy, I can explain."

"So? Talk."

"Ok, a friend bought me.."

"Don't lie to me."

"But a friend.."

"Goddamnit Dawn! Do not lie to me. Or you will be sorry."

Dawn lifted her chin defiantly and looked at Buffy with hard eyes, "What are you going to do? Hit me?"

Buffy moved so quickly that Dawn didn't even have time to flinch before Buffy's open palm slammed across Dawn's cheek. "Wanna try again?"

When Dawn finally raised her eyes, they were so full of betrayal and hurt that Buffy almost felt bad. Almost. But her hand itched to hit Dawn again. Dawn didn't answer though. Buffy could feel her pulse began to race, and had the presence of mind to send Dawn to her bedroom before things really got out of hand.

She needed to see Spike tonight. He was a safe outlet. He could take what she needed to dish out. She just needed to get out of the..

***

".house!" Spike complained.

"The sun never bothered you before," Buffy pointed out.

Spike glared at her. "How much longer until the sun sets?"

"About another hour."

"Is there anything else we need to do?"

Buffy looked at the full weapon chest. "I don't think so. I think we're set."

"Do we even know what we need to be set for?"

Buffy sighed, "No." She paused. "Though Dawn had an idea."

"Yeah? What was that?"

"She wants to contact Willow," Buffy said softly.

Spike blinked. "What?"

"On the astro-plane, or something."

"That's pretty powerful magic, Slayer. Who around here can pull that off?"

"She says she could with Giles' help. Dawn's been studying magic for several years now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's good."

"You up for that?"

"Seeing Willow? I.I don't know. I think so. We don't have any other leads."

"When does Dawn want to do this?"

"Tonight."

"Sounds like a plan then."

Buffy closed her eyes. It had been so long. Could she really talk to..

*** .Willow. The witch needed to understand that she had to back off on the magic. Spike sighed, it seemed as though she was completely out of control. Nobody else understood this, except maybe the Watcher. Everybody went along, thinking everything was just a-ok. Even Glinda.

But everything was not ok. He knew they were all going to have a Scooby Meeting that night at the Magic Box. He overheard Dawn and Willow talking about it when he was lurking out side their house the night before. He would just head over there and voice his opinion.

Spike snorted, 'Great plan that. And while you're at it, why don't you tell them all you're shagging the Slayer?' Well, he would go over there anyway. At the very least, he could meet up with Buffy and do some patrolling afterward.

As soon as the sun slinked close to the horizon, Spike rushed to the Magic Box. He burst into the door, interrupting Giles' little speech. Spike smiled, "Don't mind me."

"What do you want Spike?" Xander demanded.

"Nothing," Spike said, casually sitting on the counter.

Giles rolled his eyes, then shifted his attention back to the real Scoobies. "I'll jump to the chase. I'm head back to England, and I plan on staying there..indefinitely."

"Now?" Xander asked. "Not now. Not after everything."

"Yes now," Giles responded.

Buffy jumped up, "I can't do this. And I just can't take it anymore. If you guys knew how it feels, how I felt.."

Spike ached to go over to her, to gather her up in his arms and assure her that she would be ok. He wanted to hold her until she didn't need his strength anymore. But before he could move, blackness passed over him. He could feel himself falling and he had one, fuzzy thought.

***

..magic. Spike hated magic. But if that's what they had to do, then that's what they would do. Whatever it took.