Chapter 26
The days since Buffy returned bled into week and then into months. Spike kept waiting for things to get better, but if anything, they got worse. He was extremely worried about the niblet, but he was ashamed to admit that he was scared of provoking Buffy's wrath, so he never went to check on her.
But finally, after a particularly nasty night of fucking and beating, Spike had to make sure that she was only taking this anger and disgust out on him and not losing her temper with Dawn. He could handle her abuse, but Dawn could not.
He waited until he was sure she was out patrolling, and then made his way quickly and quietly to the house. He tried to go inside, but was not really surprised when he saw that she put the barrier back up, uninviting him from her house and her life. He went over to Dawn's window and threw stones at it until she finally opened it.
"What's going on?" Dawn asked.
"Nothing, bit, I just wanted to make sure that you are ok. Haven't seen you in awhile."
Dawn didn't ask why Spike had stopped coming around. She wasn't a stupid girl, she new that it was Buffy's fault. But she was still angry with him, and the world, because he couldn't protect her and couldn't stop Buffy.
"I'm ok, Spike."
"Has she…?" Spike couldn't finish the sentence. The thought of Buffy actually hurting Dawn was so distasteful, so wrong, that the words didn't want to leave his mouth. He was really beginning to hope that what came back was not Buffy. That Willow had fucked up the spell, and all they had to do was reverse it. That Buffy was still in heaven, her soul not dirtied by the awful black death that seemed to plague her.
"She's been ok the past couple of days." Dawn's answer really didn't reveal anything. "I mostly just stay out of her way."
"Good plan, bit. Don't worry, we'll figure out a way to fix this."
"Can it be fixed? I think they messed up big this time, Spike."
"Yeah, we'll figure out something. We always do."
"You better go now," Dawn said, "before she comes home."
"Right. I'll come back as soon as I can," Spike promised, then turned to walk away and ran right into the Slayer.
"What are you doing here?" She asked coldly.
"Going for a walk."
"You were talking to Dawn. I told you not to talk to Dawn anymore."
"Slayer, I was…." Buffy cut him off with a hard right to the mouth.
"I don't care what you're doing. Just get out of here."
"With pleasure."
Buffy watched him go, holding herself back from chasing after him and hitting him again for disobeying her. Why couldn't they just listen to her? Would it be so difficult to do what she asked for once?
She would worry about Spike after she took care of Dawn. Buffy decided she would pay him a little visit that…..
~*~
"…night," Giles explained. "If we wait any longer, Joyce could be put in horrible danger, and the spell can only be performed on a few nights a month."
"But I don't even know what I'm doing," Buffy protested. "I've never done anything like this before."
"You can do it," Giles assured her. "We'll serve as anchors."
"So, where exactly am I going? Heaven?"
"No, not quite. If the spell works, both you and Willow will be called to the Netherworld. It's a dimension that acts as an intermediary between Earth and the afterlife," Giles explained.
"How would Willow know where Joyce is?" Dawn asked.
"She might have information we're not privy to," Giles answered. "I know it's a long shot, but I really don't know what else we can do if our suspicions are correct."
"I'm a little scared," Buffy confessed. "Remember what happened last time I came back?"
Giles smiled slightly, "Buffy, it won't be like that at all."
She took a deep breath, "Ok, when do we start?"
"As soon as it's dark."
Buffy nodded and then went in search of Spike. She wanted to tell him about the latest plan and get his opinion. She found him in the kitchen, idly scanning through the newspaper.
"Looking for anything in particular?" Buffy asked.
"Carnage, destruction, the usual."
"Any mysterious deaths involving neck wounds?"
"None this morning. So that's something."
"I'm going to the Netherword," Buffy said, casually popping a grape in her mouth.
Spike looked up from the newspaper. "Come again?"
"Giles said that the best thing we can do now is talk to Willow."
"Did Giles explain the risks of that particular kind of magic?" Spike asked slowly.
"Um, no. He said you guys would be the anchors and I'd be safe."
"Well, if Giles says so."
"You don't think it's a good idea?"
"I didn't say that. We'll do what we have to do."
"Have you ever known anybody who tried this?" Buffy asked.
"Once."
"What happened?"
"Oh, nothing. I'm sure they did it wrong."
"That's not very reassuring, Spike."
"I'm doing my best to…
~*~
"…help!" Spike yelled back. "Jesus, what is wrong you? I'm tired of all your shit."
"Nothing is wrong with me, Spike. I'm just tired of dealing with everybody's demands and whining. I'm the Slayer, so I'm in charge."
"And that means you need to hurt your little sister."
"She should learn to keep her smart mouth shut," Buffy explained coolly. "A lesson you need to learn to."
Spike studied her face, looking for any signs of the girl he used to know. She wasn't there. In her place was some sort of monster, and for the first time since he knew Buffy, fear curled in his belly.
"Slayer, listen…"
"I'm tired of listening." Buffy took a step towards him. "I'm tired of listening to you, and I'm tired of you trying to help me. I don't need your help. I don't need anything from you."
"Then leave," Spike invited. "Just go and don't come back."
"You can't tell me what to do."
"Slayer, if you hate me so much, then just fucking go. There's no reason for you to stay around here."
"I'll decide when I leave, Spike." She punched him in the stomach. "And I'm not nearly tired yet."
At first, Spike was able to defend himself from her blows. He refrained from hitting back, and stayed on the defensive as much as possible. But the simple fact was that Buffy had always been stronger than him, and now her anger fueled her indiscriminate punches and jabs. She hit him everywhere, connecting with his solid flesh until bones smashed under her hands.
Blood flowed freely from his mouth, his nose, his ears, and even his eyes. There were open gashes on the back of his head where she slammed it into the cement walls of the crypt, and abrasions on his back from the hard floor. His vision blurred and he grew dizzy, making it nearly impossible for him to block her effectively, or even hit back. She kicked him in the knee, and he heard the bone shatter. Even as he fell to the ground at her feet, unable to support his own weight anymore, she didn't stop.
While she pounded him, he stayed silent. He didn't beg for her to stop, or try to reason with her. His lips were swollen and several of his teeth were loosened. But Buffy was silent. With her punches fell a thousand furious words, curses, shouts, and screams. Rage rained down on Spike from above, and there was nowhere to turn to escape it.
"You think that you can love me, and it'll all be ok again? You think you can save me? You think you can help me? You think you can save Dawn? You can't, Spike, because you are nothing but a disgusting, dirty, piece of shit. You're just an animal who can talk and has enough sense not to piss down your own leg. Fuck you, Spike. Fuck you."
She was crying now, but the tears looked red to Spike, through the veil of his own tears and blood. His body grew numb, and it was easy to take the physical abuse. But he would give anything to stop the words. They echoed in his brain and in his heart, and with each assault, a little piece of him died inside. The words battered him, and the more he heard, the more he believed them to be true.
"You are a sorry excuse for a…
~*~
"…vampire there Spike. You're already dead," Giles explained.
"So?"
"So, it wouldn't work."
"Well, maybe if I were a normal vampire, but I have a soul."
"Spike, I appreciate that you want to help Buffy, but this is something she has to do."
"Giles, I've seen this spell done before, and it wasn't pretty."
"I know it can be dangerous," Giles responded, "but we know what we're doing."
"No, we don't have a fucking clue what we're doing. Red would know what she's doing. But we do not."
"I assure you that I know quite a bit about magic, and I…"
"That doesn't cut it, Watcher," Spike interrupted. "You need to have real power to do this spell, and all of us combined don't have the power that's needed."
"We are going to have to take that chance—"
Spike slammed his fist down on the counter and pain reverberated up his arm, but he didn't wince. "No, Watcher, we cannot take that chance with Buffy."
"Do you have a better suggestion, Spike? Because honestly at this point, I'm open to anything."
Spike took a deep breath. "No, I don't. I don't have shit, ok? I just don't want Buffy to get…
~*~
"…hurt, Spike? Does it hurt when I do this?"
She had been working him over for so long that he could feel the bones she broke originally already knitting themselves back together. She didn't even break a sweat. "Dirty and disgusting. I can't believe I let you touch me. I can't believe I let you fuck me."
She pulled a stake out of her back pocket and poised it above his heart. "I can't believe you thought that I could actually love a disgusting, soulless thing." She began to lower the stake onto his…
~*~
…naked chest, and she couldn't look away. "Sorry," she mumbled as she quickly closed the bathroom door. Spike emerged seconds later.
"Don't be, just cleaning up a bit before the fun begins."
"Yeah, well, it's beginning in a few moments."
"Nervous?"
"A bit. But I'm excited too. I mean, it's Willow."
"I won't let anything happen to you," Spike promised.
"I know."
~*~
She missed his heart.
~*~
They formed a small group around Buffy, grasping hands tightly, as Giles began to chant. She closed her eyes and emptied her mind using the techniques Giles had taught her two lifetimes ago.
At first the words were distinct, but soon they blended and swirled around her, and eventually turned to a low drone of sound in the back of her mind. She opened her eyes then, and saw only darkness. Tentatively, she tried to move, but if she succeeded, she couldn't tell.
The volume of the drone increased and light burst in front of her eyes. It was a sunrise, but the sun was the color of a blood clot. It blinded her at first, but her eyes adjusted and she strained them to see something, anything, but the only thing in that dismal world was her and the distant red ball of fire. But on the horizon, Buffy saw a woman's silhouette moving towards her.
"Willow?" She yelled and moved towards the distant figure. As Buffy ran towards her, the woman continued to walk sedately and slowly. When Buffy finally caught up with her, she pulled her into a bear hug.
"Hello Buffy," Willow said warmly, hugging her friend back tightly.
"I've missed you so much," Buffy whispered, tears clogging her throat.
"I've missed you too. But we don't have a lot of time, Buffy. We need to talk. I know why you're here. It's about Joyce."
Buffy nodded.
"There's a balance, in the Universe Buffy. And those with the greatest sins have to pay the greatest price."
"What? I don't know what you mean."
"You do, Buffy."
"But I apologized, you forgave," she protested, "it's over now."
"For us, maybe," Willow explained patiently, "But there are still people living with the scars you inflicted."
"Do you mean…
~*~
…Spike lay on the ground, unable to move. Buffy was gone, but the stake still protruded from his chest, just below his heart. She missed, deliberately. A part of Spike wished that she had just ended it…for both of them. But no, she kept him alive so that tomorrow night and the night after and the night after that she could come back and do it all over again. She could continue to treat him like this because he wasn't human enough for her. Not anymore.
He didn't have a soul.
In Spike's mind, that's all he could remember. The beating faded away, but those words continued to haunt him as he lay in the pool of his own blood. He wasn't human. He wasn't Angel. He wasn't worth her time or attention or love.
He couldn't save her. He didn't know how, and he didn't realize until now that he needed to save himself.
He would start by removing the stake from his chest. The action wore him out though, and he was forced for several minutes to rest before he could begin the long and slow process of dragging himself across the floor to the fridge. He needed to replace the blood he lost as soon as possible.
Despite it all, Spike was determined to fix…
~*~
"…it," Willow encouraged.
"But Joyce doesn't deserve to pay for my mistakes!" Buffy raged.
"She isn't paying," Willow soothed, "she's fine. You are the one who is suffering, not her."
"Who decided to take her away from me?" Buffy demanded.
Willow shrugged, "The Powers. She misses you, though."
"How can I redeem myself?" Buffy asked. "I don't know what to do."
"You haven't come to terms with what you've done to Spike. You loved him at the time, and you hurt him beyond words."
"I still love him," she said softly. "But Spike knows I'm sorry."
"Does he?"
Before Buffy could answer, she was back to her own living room. Everybody crowded around her, staring, nervous, excited to hear what she learned.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. We were losing our connection with you and thought it would be best to bring you back while we still had enough power," Giles explained.
"Yeah, ok. It's ok."
"Did you see Willow?"
Buffy looked up at her sister, "I did."
"And?"
"And, I can't talk about it right now. I just need some…
~*~
…time is what Spike needed. He knew he could find what he wanted; he just needed a bit of time. As soon as he healed up, he'd leave. And when he returned, he'd have what Buffy needed.
In Spike's blood fogged brain, the answer to his problems was perfectly obvious. It would solve everything. He wasn't equipped to help her, but he would be soon.
After he drank all the blood in his fridge, he made his way downstairs to the bed. It was a long and painful trip, but he couldn't risk sleeping upstairs in his weakened state. He'd be too vulnerable to attack. From other demons.
Not from Buffy.
Never.
He could fix it though. Just needed to get himself a soul.
