Chapter 30

Spike idly traced patters on Buffy's back as she slept, splayed out across him. She looked so soft and peaceful that he could easily watch her for hours. He kept thinking about all the things she had told him, all the things she had been through. He knew her well enough to know that she had been completely honest with him during her confession.

He could see from her relationship with Joyce that she had changed, and now Spike knew from her own words how she had changed. The long, hard personal struggle to become a better person. Not unlike his own trials.


And what had he been doing while she was struggling to come to terms with herself and her family? He had been mindlessly roaming the world, completely caught up in his own pain. It would be easy to blame that on her, if he wanted. But he didn't want to. He made his own decisions; he could take the full responsibility for his actions.

Spike had no regrets.

As soon as he registered that thought he felt the soul…

~*~

…rip through him. Then he felt nothing. The world was black and empty, and suddenly all he could remember was the way she looked, the way her hair smelled, the way her body felt.

He had to get back to her. He didn't know how or why, didn't even know who he was or where he was. Already his mind was fading. He just had to find his way back to her.

"Help?" He choked out.

The demon standing above him was silent for several minutes. Finally he said, "If you truly love her, you will find her again. And when you find her again, your soul will be...

~*~

"..anchored," he breathed. "It's anchored. I'm done."  And suddenly the snatches of memories that he had been glimpsing became full paintings of the past. He got his mind back. He got everything back. It felt so good, he felt so complete, that he wanted to get up and laugh and jump and fight and shag Buffy some more.

That was it. The regrets. He was afraid of loving her again, afraid he had been wrong all these years about what they meant to each other. Spike had been so cold to her since he'd been back…so aloof…could she understand why if he explained it to her?

"Buffy?" He said softly. "Buffy love, wake up."

"What is it?" She muttered. "I have today off."

"I know you do love, but I need to talk to you for a minute."

"What's up?" She asked groggily.

"My soul," he said softly. "It's my soul."

She snapped up, wide awake. "It's not gone is it?"

He chuckled, "No. No, Buffy, it's permanent."

"The final trial," she breathed. "What happened?"

"I trusted myself, my feelings, and you, finally. Buffy, when I went to get the soul…I didn't believe you loved me anymore, and I seriously questioned if I truly loved you. Then after I got the soul, I lost all my memories, and all I could remember was you. Buffy, I kept you at arms length because I thought I regretted every second I ever spent with you."

"Spike, this isn't…I mean…every second?!"

He smiled, "Every second. But that's the thing Buffy. I don't." He kissed her soundly on the lips. He pulled back from her mouth and began kissing her facing and neck feverishly. "I treasure every second with you."

"I'm glad, but why all of a sudden?"

"Because I can remember everything. Because you were honest with me. Because it's not fair to keep blaming you. Because I love you."

Her eyes welled with tears. "Oh Spike, I've been waiting so long…" She clutched him, the tears falling quicker. "I am so sorry."

"Shhh, pet, you don't need to apologize anymore."

"I'll never be done apologizing. Thank you for forgiving me."

He caught each tear with his lips. "Should have done it sooner, luv. I'm too stubborn. Never stopped loving you."

"Don't leave again."

"I won't," he vowed.

"Spike, really I'm so—"

"Don't say it again, Buffy. I know what happened, I understand. And I'm so proud of you for what you have accomplished, how far you've come. I'm sorry I couldn't haven't been here for you."

She smiled, "Are we just going to lay here and apologize to each other all day."

"I can think of better things to do…"

"Yeah?" She challenged. "Like what?"

Spike flipped them over and propped himself up on his elbow. "We skipped most of the fun stuff last night." He nuzzled her neck. "We could make up for that."

"Mmmm, I like fun stuff."

"Could make you scream," he purred. "I could make you moan. Or make you beg. What would you like?"

"Can I have all three?"

He nibbled on her earlobe. "If you ask really nicely."

"I just did."

"Mmmm, ask again."

She smiled, "I guess this is the begging part of the fun."

Spike moved farther down her body and lapped at her nipple. "It is."

"Spike," she gasped when he bit down gently on her soft skin. "Please make me moan."

"What else?"

"Please make me scream."

The words were barely out of her mouth when Spike plunged two fingers into her wet and waiting body. "Like this?"

"Yes, yes," she panted, "like that."

"What's in it for me?"

"Spike…"

"Hmm?"

"Oh god, I can't think!"

"Oh, well, I'll stop."

"No, no, no, don't stop."

"Then what will you do?"

"I'll make you scream," she promised. "I'll make you moan."

His tongue swirled around her nipples as he continued to fuck her with his fingers. "Oooh, Slayer, are you making promises you can't keep."

She shook her head wildly. If he stopped now, she'd kill him. "Can you tell me how?"

"Ohhh," she moaned, finding it harder and harder to concentrate as he increased his pace. "Suck on you."

"Sucking is good. Where?"

"Suck on your cock. Put it in my mouth. Lick you with my tongue, put it all the way down my throat."

"Why Slayer! You little vixen." He directly stimulated her g-spot and she quickly came, clutching her body around his hand, until the powerful muscle contractions ceased. She sighed with relief and pleasure and smiled at him.

"A girl can get used to that," she murmured.

"Oh, you will."

"You're turn?"

He kissed her nose, "No. I'm gonna go get you breakfast."

Sex was forgotten when she realized exactly how hungry she was. Her stomach growled loudly. "Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. Whatcha making me?"

"That's a surprise."

"I like surprises."

He stood up and pulled on the remains of his clothes, than grimaced. "But first I'm going to put on some decent clothes. Except, I don't have any decent clothes."

Buffy frowned in response. "Oh right. With all the excitement, I've forgotten about it. But, uh, you could wear one of my robes," she offered. "Or, Xander may still be downstairs. Perhaps he can go pick something up for you? I'll go ask him."

"You don't have to get out of bed Buffy. You look…" He paused for effect. "Delicious where you are."

She blushed slightly. "It won't kill me to get up." She moved to do just that, but Spike pounced on her.

"And I like you in bed."

Buffy reached around and found the ticklish spot just above his hips. "And I wanna get up."

Spike lips twitched with laughter. "Stop."

"Make me."

His voice was barely controlled, "If you don't stop, I'll…"

"Yes?" She asked, fluttering her lashes.

"I'll take your…" But the threat was lost as Spike was finally forced to give into the giggles.

"Gonna let me up?"

He nodded helplessly, and she finally released him. "Bitch, that was cheating."

"Awww, poor Spikey. Can't take a little tickling?"

"I'll show you…" But Buffy had already grabbed her robe and bolted out the door.

Spike smiled and lay back on the bed, and began idly rubbing his hard member. He shouldn't have let Buffy go. Now he was all excited and she was downstairs, instead of in bed where she belonged, with her hot mouth wrapped around his aching dick. He sighed at the thought. This would never do. Maybe if he yelled real loud, she would come up running, to check on him. Or maybe Dawn would come up to check on him, and that wouldn't do.

He gave up and willed himself to relax. He was almost asleep again when he heard Buffy call out for him. "Spike? Spike!"

"I'm coming!" He yelled, pulling on his tattered clothes, ignoring the fact that they didn't really cover much.

He barreled down the stairs, and came to a complete stop at the bottom, eyes wide, mouth open. "Ohh," he breathed.

Willow was standing in front of the door, holding Joyce, and beaming. "Hi Spike. Nice clothes."

"Yeah," he agreed without thinking. He could see Buffy itched to take the girl from her mother, but instead she hovered nearby, tears silently streaming down her face.

"Spike!" Joyce said happily and reached for him.

"She's ok?" Buffy asked.

"She's just fine," Willow answered. "I'm sorry we had to do this Buffy, but…"

"I understand," she said softly. "Can I hold her now?"

Willow gave her daughter one last squeeze and a kiss on her cheek. "I love you Joyce."

"I love you too Mommy."

Buffy took the little girl in her arms with a half-sob of relief. "Oh, baby, I was so scared. I missed you so much."

"I was fine," the girl promised solemnly. "I was with mommy."

Buffy hugged Joyce until the little girl grew impatient with the coddling and began to squirm in her arms. When Buffy set her down, she immediately ran to Spike who was still staring at Joyce and Willow in shock. He scooped up the little girl when she launched herself into his arms.

"You've cut you're hair," she observed.

"I have."

She pouted, "I wanted to do it."

"Maybe next time."

"Wills?"

"I have to go now Buffy, but you know we're never far. Take care of her."

"We will," Spike promised.

And then she was gone, leaving Buffy, Spike, and Joyce in the hallway, suddenly hesitant.