Ron wakes very early Tuesday morning. It is still dark, but a quiet shuffling is present. Ron sticks his head out of the curtains and sees Harry dressing.
"What's up?" whispers Ron.
"I'm leaving. They can't snap my wand if they can't find it." says Harry.
"Are you taking Gia? Can I talk you out of it?"
"No and No"
"I'm coming" says Ron, dressing quickly.
"You would be risking expulsion."
"I wouldn't like Hogwarts without you anyways." says Ron.
"Grab your hat."
Harry quickly packs his Invisibility Cloak into his pack.
Ron and Harry grab their Firebolts and fly out the window. Harry closes the window. Ron plunges several stories before leveling out. Ron catches up to Harry and they fly, not really aiming for anything. They travel over the Forbidden Forest, skirt the edge of Hogsmeade, and continue at a decent speed.
"Any ideas? What about the Prophecy?" asks Ron.
"Well, it's moot if we get him first." says Harry.
"Blimey!"
"Hope you thought about the Howler your Mum will send you."
"Some things are worth it, like the car." says Ron.
"Ron, you look tired."
"Last night was busy." says Ron. Ron eases next to Harry's broom.
"Get on." says Harry. Judiciously Ron gets onto Harry's broom.
"Fly steady." says Ron. Ron stashes his Firebolt into Harry's backpack. Ron grabs Harry. Harry speeds up to a nice clip.
"So you figured the pack."
"Yeah, that book was a giveaway. Between Gia and all, we rarely get a chance to really talk. Why were you doing that to Snape anyways?"
"Ron, promise me you wont get killed. I don't want another 'Kill the Spare'." says Harry.
"Harry, you know I'll be careful. Why frame Snape?"
"Ron, you were there. You saw Snape."
"Harry, I also know Snape wouldn't attack a student. ... I know, you are not spending enough time with me."
"You've got to be kidding."
"Any ideas for finding You-Know-Who?" asks Ron.
"Besides the scar? Not really." says Harry.
"Gia is going to be ticked." says Ron.
"Don't remind me. Hermione will kill us."
"So you haven't fucked yet, right? Brian's mentioned that Gia is nearly begging."
"No, sex should not be the only thing. Gia understands. Hermione seems ready but she is not begging."
"We're waiting for you to be ready with Gia."
"I won't be offended if you and Hermione started." says Harry.
"Harry, I won't leave you behind on something like this."
"Thanks. It's starting to get light." says Harry.
Harry flies lower. They land on the outskirts of a sizable Muggle city. Harry stashes the Firebolt into the pack. The secure their cowboy hats.
They sit on a park bench to talk. However, they fall asleep.
Harry and Ron awake to a police officer prodding them.
"No sleeping in the park." says the officer.
"Sorry officer. We didn't mean to doze off." says Harry, yawning.
"Aren't you two supposed to be in school?" asks the officer.
"Closed today due to some teacher thing." says Harry.
"Harry, I'm hungry, let's go." says Ron.
"There's a decent cafe about a block up the street." says the officer.
Ron and Harry get up. They head along the street.
"So, you think you figured out the incidents with Snape?" asks Harry.
"Yes, I know you Harry. Everyone else is mis-connecting the dots. Any idea what town we are in?"
"Manchester."
"How do you know that?"
"The Manchester Library is a clue." says Harry. He's pointing it out along the street.
Harry and Ron enter the cafe and approach the counter. A lady comes, the name 'Teressa' is on her name badge.
"May I help you?" asks Teressa.
"Do you still serve breakfast?" asks Ron. It's a quarter past eleven.
"Yes, all day. You could order flapjacks for dinner if you wanted." says Teressa.
Harry and Ron order, and then pay. They sit down at a cozy table.
"I assume the summer plan is still on." says Ron.
"Given this, we might be able to start a bit earlier than planned." says Harry.
"Depends on how badly we tick off the girls."
"Suppose so."
"If we are expelled, what would the Dursleys do?" asks Ron.
"They would say 'told you so' or something worse. I doubt they would take me back, not like I'd go there willingly."
"Mum would be furious. The Burrow is the last place we want to be."
"Maybe it's time to move on. Buy a house or something. Get jobs." says Harry.
"You make it sound so easy. We didn't go to Eton or something like that."
"I never went to anything fancy. I've got this job, a house, and a family." says Teressa, holding the entrees.
Harry and Ron eat their breakfasts.
"Pass the catsup." asks Harry.
"The what?" asks Ron.
"Catsup, that red bottle."
Harry and Ron continue eating. They overhear a conversation from the table next to them.
One lady asks, "So, the UHP meeting is tonight?"
A second lady says, "Yes, seven at the library. Hope to see you there Eleanor. We're going to discuss today's Daily Prophet."
A third lady says, "I read that Bernice, isn't that awful. I don't know why Dumbledore would keep such an awful teacher."
Eleanor says, "Isn't Snape in league with You-Know-Who?"
Bernice says, "Yes, I've heard the same rumor. What do you think Lori?"
Lori spots Harry and Ron. She asks, "Hey you boys, what do you think about a bully teacher in league with You-Know-Who?"
Harry replies, "Voldemort would make for a terrible teacher." The ladies flinch.
"Why'd you say You-Know-Who's name?" asks Eleanor.
Harry says, "If Harry Potter can say Voldemort's name, then so can I."
Bernice says, "You may be trying to look like him, but you are no Harry Potter."
"You are doing a decent job, but your hat is a bit out of place." says Lori.
Eleanor says, "We've never seen anyone go to this extreme though. Are you coming to the UHP tonight? Everyone would be interested on how you achieved such realism."
"Sorry ladies, we have a meeting elsewhere." says Ron.
"If you'll excuse us ladies." says Harry.
Harry and Ron exit the cafe. They look over their shoulders as they walk. The ladies do not follow.
"That was close." says Ron.
"Yeah., well there are some things we can do today." says Harry.
Wednesday night, Harry and Ron fly their Firebolts from Greater Hangleton to Lesser Hangleton. They land and climb to the top of a grassy knoll over looking a graveyard a short distance away. In the graveyard is a circle of people around a person in the middle. Their conversation is drifting.
"Severus, is this true? Is Harry Potter missing from Hogwarts?"
"Yes Master." says Snape.
Voldemort says, "You should have let Potter die after the poison. Lucius, what are you planning for tonight?"
"A few less Muggles by morning, Master." says Lucius Malfoy.
Harry and Ron exchange looks. Voldemort uncontrollably wets himself and his lower robes are now soaking. The Death Eaters ignore this.
Voldemort says, "Does one of you find this funny? Crucio!" He aims his wand at Nott.
Nott grimaces and bears the pain well. Voldemort stops and says, "Now, I want to know which one of you did this."
A patch of grass near Voldemort ignites. Wormtail rushes to put it out.
Voldemort says, "Somebody is toying with my temper, and I'm going to find out who."
One by one, Voldemort goes "Crucio!" to each Death Eater. The Death Eater pleads that they are not responsible and kiss the hem of Voldemort's damp robes.
Voldemort says, "We have a bit of a mystery."
Voldemort and the Death Eaters collapse. Quickly, Harry and Ron enter the circle. Systematically, they stun each person and bind them with ropes. At last, they reach Snape, but instead Ron grabs for Harry's backpack.
Ron removes a parcel and says, "I just remembered. Do you have a quill?"
"No, just a pen. What is that parcel for?" asks Harry.
Ron says, "Ginny has been trying to force a UHP memberships packet on me for weeks. She managed to slip one into my pocket and I didn't find it until Manchester. I'm going to give it to him." Ron points to Voldemort.
"Voldemort? You are going to give him your UHP membership?"
Ron says, "Yeah, I never wanted it. Ginny was the one who petitioned for me and Hermione. I don't want to be a fan, I like being your friend. UHP does not understand that."
Harry reads the packet and says, "To join, just open the seal with your thumb."
Ron grabs the packet and forces Voldemort's thumb to the seal.
The packet erupts in a yell. "Congratulations Voldemort on joining the Unofficial Harry Potter Fan Club, UHP for short. Joining the Hogwarts chapter can be a fun and exciting adventure..." A UHP ring appears on Voldemort's finger. Finally, the packet shuts up, but not before Harry and Ron sign Voldemort up for everything, including the conference.
"Lemme get this straight Potter and Weasley. You left Hogwarts and chased us down just to give him a UHP membership?" asks Snape, who is now sitting.
"No, there is more." says Harry.
Harry stuns Snape and binds him with ropes.
"Ready?" asks Ron.
"What a fine time to ask. One more thing first." says Harry.
Harry gets out some name tags, one for each Death Eater. Ron and Harry place each one onto the appropriate Death Eater. They then mount their Firebolts and issue time-delayed distress calls to the Ministry. They fly to another knoll about four hundred yards away. They bunch together and Harry tosses the Invisibility Cloak over them.
Harry and Ron wait. Ron is looking through Harry's omnioculars. Puzzled Ministry Wizards appear. They see the name tags and quickly remove the Death Eaters. They briefly search the adjacent area and vanish.
"I wish Wormtail didn't escape." says Harry.
"Yeah, but it looks like Malfoy has some legal issues to work out." says Ron.
Harry packs his Invisibility Cloak into his backpack.
"There you are!" says Arthur Weasley who is approaching Harry and Ron.
Ron swallows hard and says, "Hi Dad."
"Why are you looking for us?" asks Harry.
"You two missing from Hogwarts and this!" says Arthur.
"Pure coincidence." says Ron.
"Hardly, Ronald Weasley. Your Mum was already panicking when you vanished from Hogwarts. Tonight, your hand issued a mortal peril alarm, once again." says Arthur.
"That clock must be broken." says Ron.
"That clock is in working condition. Why did you leave the safety of Hogwarts?" asks Arthur.
"Safety? You-Know-Who tried to attack Saturday!" says Ron.
"Why did you leave without permission. You can get expelled for that." says Arthur.
"We were slated for expulsion anyways." says Harry.
"Slight chance to begin with and after being published, that was hardly likely." says Arthur.
"Dad, if you'll excuse us, we do need to get going." says Ron.
"As long as you return to Hogwarts." says Arthur.
"We do have girlfriends to collect, even if they decide to expel us." says Harry.
"Better start thinking of excuses and bring some flowers." says Arthur.
Harry and Ron take off. They race each other going faster and faster.
They spot a field of flowers along their path. They land. They do some careful picking and place the arrangements into Harry's pack.
They take off again. The countryside zooms by in a blur.
After a bit, Ron pipes up, "Harry, where exactly is Hogwarts? Last time we had the train for help."
They slow down as they climb to several thousands of feet. They circle around. Ron is using the omnioculars.
Finally, Harry points and says, "Over there in the distance! I see the lake and Hogsmeade on the other side of that foreboding ridge."
They turn and head for the ridge. The turbulence at the crest of the ridge is very extreme. Harry and Ron grab each other for stability. Slowly, they creep over the ridge. They fly slowly and carefully right until they're over the Hogwarts grounds, when the turbulence dies down.
Harry and Ron circle the castle and make their way to the Gryffindor Tower. They circle up to their dormitory. Hermione opens the window and she is in a bad mood.
"How soon do you think you can get yourselves expelled?" asks Hermione.
"Snape has already seen to that." says Harry.
"Gia, they're back. Let's head over to get some sleep." Hermione says coolly.
"Um, you could liven up that cupboard first." says Ron.
Harry removes his backpack and opens it up. He gives a boutique of flowers to Gia. Ron gives his to Hermione.
"Thanks." says Gia.
Hermione lets Gia hold her boutique. Hermione grabs two cups. She lines them with a pair of condoms. She fills the condoms with water.
"Much better use for these." says Hermione.
Hermione places her flowers into one of them. Gia places hers into the other.
Gia and Hermione exit the dormitory.
"Well, that was relatively easy." says Ron.
"No, the girls are really ticked Ron." says Harry.
"We still have some time until morning." says Ron.
Harry and Ron collapse onto their beds.
