(It's 3 years down the road. The Hogwarts students in Harry Potter's class are now in their seventh and final year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizadry. It's day one of class and, fresh from a summer of Quidditch practices and strip clubs, the students stream into the Great Hall, laughing and joking as they take their places at the four familiar house tables of Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and, that grand old "Ehove for Hogwarts", vocational school of witches and wizards, the place where hardworkers are prized above all others, Hufflepuff. Once back in their dorm, the Hufflepuffs will most likely participate in group therapy, take a couple puffs on their inhalers, polish their glasses, and drink a tall glass of warm milk before they sing kum ba ya and head off to bed promptly at 8 o'clock. But as our story has nothing to do with Hufflepuff, I digress. Through the crowd, three distinct individuals are seen at the Gryffindor table, the crème de la crème, those that all the others strive to be, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. Their heads are bent close together as they whisper urgently to one another.)

Harry: (giggling uncontrollably) So, do you think I finally have a chance with Cho this year??

Ron: (glances over at the Ravenclaw table, where Cho is patting her stomach delicately) Yeah, sure, if you don't mind taking care of little Krum when she delivers in December.

Hermione: (glaring daggers at Cho) Little slut. I hope they move her to Hufflepuff.

(Suddenly, Dumbledore appears at the staff table, flanked by two figures in long cloaks, their faces shadowed by the hoods of their robes. Everyone becomes silent, and Hermione stops trying to make Cho's head explode with her wand under the table.)

Dumbledore: Attention students, we have three new additions to our teaching staff this year, and I hope you will welcome them warmly. Marilyn will be our new Potions teacher, taking the place of the fondly remembered Severus Snape, who departed last year. There was actually a sighting of him in the Forbidden Forest just last month. Sibyll swears she caught sight of him dressed only in fig leaves and eating a banana. It was quite unfortunate that he opened that owl post letter containing that odd white powder. The Ministry of Magic still maintains that it was not muggle oriented and they are investigating. In addition to this, we also have a new Defense agains the Dark Arts teacher, which is a huge shock to me as usual. Vivian is, I assure you, highly trained and quite good at the art of hex deflection, which is evidenced by her flawless complextion. And last of all, Hogwarts has finally decided to part with a few extra bronze knuts a year to hire our first-ever Counselor, who I like to call Mr. Tim. Unfortunately, Mr. Tim cannot be here tonight, as he is currently setting up his telescope to correspond with the hole between his office and the girls bathrooms. He assures me that he will use this device only to determine if a girl is perhaps crying in one of the stalls, in which case he will be permitted to actually enter the bathroom and 'comfort' them. I trust Moaning Myrtle will have her eye on him. And now, on with the sorting!

(Dumbledore seats himself next to the two new teachers at the staff table as Proffessor McGonagall brings out the Sorting Hat on a stool)

Harry: Wow this is so exciting! I hope we get some good new Gryffindors!

Ron: (Eyeing a girl in the line) Ten bucks says I can get that girl in the sack before her first class.

Harry: (pouting) No fair you always win those!

Hermione: (Ignoring them) Ick, it looks like a load of Hufflepuffs this year. Just a bunch of dunderheads again. (She stares morosely down at her plate) I really need a man.

Ron: (puts and arm around Hermione's shoulders) It's alright Hermione. I'm sure one of the ickle firsties will love a bossy know it all who never shuts up! I mean, a brilliant, strong willed young lady will fantastic verbal skills…..maybe you can get a young one this year!

Hermione: (shrugging him off) Ron, you're disgusting.

Ron: Thanks! Now shut up, the song's about to start!

(The Sorting Hat sits quietly on the stool, as though waiting for everyone's attention. The tear at the the brim opens wide as the hat begins its song)

Sorting Hat: Once a long time far away, four young people met one day. There was lovely Ravenclaw, who fell in love with Gryffindor, and shy Hufflepuff, who loved Slytherin even more. Slytherin however loved another, and dismissed her in favor of the other. Eventually, a solution was agreed upon, and these scholars had giant orgies, not just one. They started this school, and decided that together they would rule. Ravenclaw is where you go if you have brains to spare, Hufflepuff will take you if you have none to share. Gryffindor's where the brave do land, and Slytherin's the place where monsters band. So try me on, I'll let you know, where in here you have to go!

(Everyone applauds enthusiastically. The ceremony continues as every single first year is made a Hufflepuff, with the exception of a very shady looking punk that gets booted into Slytherin.)

Ron: (rolling his eyes) This is so lame! C'mon, let's go throw acid pops in all the toilets for Filch to clean up.

(Ron, Hermione, and Harry stand as the food on their plates vanishes, whooshing down to become part of the flow of the lake. As the three young hooligans made their way out of the great hall, a cold wind whipped around them.)

Ron: (pulling his leather jacket tighter) What's with the wind?

Harry: I dunno, maybe it's them.

(Harry points across the hall, where two women are standing with their wands out, as though in combat. As they approach, they can hear the witches' conversation.)

Vivian: I saw him first! He's mine!

Marilyn: Oh no you don't…I called him before we even got here! I have dibs!

Vivian: Nope, that's cheating, you have to view the merchandise first!

Marilyn: Oh yeah?? Take this!

(Marilyn turns her wand in Vivian's direction and purple sparks shoot out of the end of it at Vivian's face)

Vivian: (smirking) Is that the best you can do??

(Vivian aims her own wand at Marilyn and a blast of golden light blasts out of the end at the other witch. The girls both dodge the curses, which wiggle around to spell "VHS Sailors" in mid air. Screeching, the witches grab ahold of each other and begin rolling around on the floor, pulling hair and biting.)

Hermione: (clearing her throat) AHEM. Can we help you ladies?

(The witches look up, apparently noticing the three pupils for the first time)

Vivian: Um, we were NOT talking about boys that we plan to bewitch.

Marilyn: Of course not, that's just silly. I'm Marilyn Stabs, by the way, I'm your new Potions mistress.

Vivian: I'm Vivian Kain, I'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts mistress this year.

Marilyn: Only I can be a mistress. You know, like Potions master, potions mistress. No one's ever heard of a Defense Against the Dark Arts master. You're just a stupid TEACHER! That is so uncool! What a dork!

(Vivian pouts, shooting evil glances in Marilyn's direction every few seconds)

Marilyn: Well boys, I think you two ought to run along….you too Miss…….um, whatever. We'll see you tomorrow, sleep tight!

(Marilyn waves jauntily as the boys stride away and Ron screeches suddenly. It's not until they've made it up the stairs that he lets his friends know why.)

Ron: (hoarsely, as though immensely frightened) Someone just smacked my ass!