Hermione: (scoffing) Ron that's ridiculous. Who would smack YOUR ass anyways?
Ron: (indignantly) I'm telling you, one of them did it! Although…….(looks thoughtful) I suppose I did rather like it. They were both quite pretty, wouldn't you say?
Harry: (Like a good girl scout) But they're teachers! Ron that's bad. I draw the line at that. I may go chasing after Voldemort at every opportunity I get, most likely insuring my eventual demise at his hand, but I'm not STUPID!
Ron: Oh come on, Harry! They're three years older than us, tops! And I've always liked older women. Which one do you want Harry?? I'm going for the tall one, she's about what I like.
(Ron looks back down the stairs longingly, as though he can still see the two women, and sighs.)
Hermione: Oh, you boys are so stupid! They ought to put you in Hufflepuff!
Harry: Hermione, that's enough with the Hufflepuff jokes. They were over a long time ago.
Hermione: No they weren't…….our beautiful and talented author was just making fun of Hufflepuff a few pages paragraphs ago.
(Who, me? Never. Hufflepuff is my favorite house, I wish I could be in it, blah blah blah.)
Ron: Yeah well, it's funny when the NARRATOR does it, not you Hermione! (Faces forward, as though looking into an invisible camera.) How you doin babe? You're hot aren't you?
(Extremely.)
Harry: Ron, please keep your hormones in check, you can't be hitting on everything with boobs in your line of vision!
Ron: Um…….why not?
Harry: (Opens and shuts mouth several times, as though searching for an answer) Uh…..that's not the point, it's just wrong, okay?
(Ron shrugs and the three friends continue up to the common room. On the way, the soft strains of Kum ba ya reach their ears from the Hufflepuff common room. It isn't long before they reach the portrait of the fat lady, who must have been staying in her portrait more than usual and bribing the slaves, I mean house elves, into bringing her snacks, because she looked fatter than ever.)
Fat Lady: Password, please?
Ron: We don't know it yet. We haven't seen a prefect around.
Hermione: You know, I was almost head girl. But I had to hang around this lot and slack off my studies…..
Harry: Quit whining, you got 12 OWL's.
Fat Lady: No password, no way in.
Ron: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let us in?
Fat Lady: (Eyeing Ron unpleasantly) What's in it for me?
(Ron raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth to speak, but Hermione interrupts him.)
Hermione: RON! Don't you dare!
(The portrait of the fat lady swings open to admit them. Puzzled, they proceed into Gryffindor Tower.)
Harry: That was weirder than that time I magically ended up in outer space with a bunch of little kids and a penis-shaped rocket!
Hermione: (soothingly) Harry, that never happened remember? The therapist said it was a dream, it's NOT REAL!
Harry: Okay okay, but that was still weird! So what's the password?
Hermione: I don't know. I'll go outside again and check. I'll say each word, and we'll see which one gets me back in.
(Hermione leaves and returns within a few seconds, looking extremely confused.)
Hermione: The password….is Ron.
Harry: Ron? Why would it be Ron? I'm the famous one here!
(Harry begins to pout, but Ron looks thoughtful)
Ron: Hey Hermione…..who sets the passwords to the tower?
Hermione: Usually, the teachers work something out with the fat lady and the other entrance guarders. Why?
Ron: (triumphantly): I knew it! Those teachers like me! Why else would the password be my name? They're trying to win me over!
Hermione: It won't be that hard. No offense Ron, but a lot of the girls see you as easy. A male slut, if you will.
(Harry starts bawling and gibbering stuff about being more popular than Ron. He wraps himself in his invisibility cloak and moves toward the fire, still squealing and crying.)
Ron: What's he complaining about? He gets to be in the front on all the movie posters, and he's the star!
Hermione: Oh Ron, you just can't get it through your thick head! Girls are always attracted to you. Your flaming red hair, your lovely doe eyes, your tall stature…..who wants plain old boring Harry Potter when they could have you?
Harry: (through his tears) I heard that!
Hermione: The point is, Ron, that Harry is JEALOUS. You're so gosh darned adorable, and I know you can't help it but you need to try to put a lid on it sometimes. You're just so darn lovable it's too much to take.
Ron: Well, not everything about me is perfect you know! I have some flaws too.
Hermione: (crossing her arms) Like what?
Ron: Um……well when you put it that way, I don't seem to have any do I? Good point Hermione. Would you like a congratulatory shag?
Hermione: (disgusted and yet amused) If you could PLEASE keep little Ron in your pants, this is yet another disturbing mystery for us to solve! Why would the password be your name?
Ron: We've already discussed this.
Hermione: Okay okay. I guess I'm off to bed then. Ron, the prefects are inspecting tomorrow so you might want to move your Playwenches from underneath your mattress….that's a bit obvious if you ask me.
(Hermione makes her way up the girls' staircase as Harry dries his eyes and Ron looks thoughtful again.)
Ron: How did she know they were there?
Harry: Um, I did NOT tell her that sometimes I look at them when I get scared after a bad dream.
Ron: (rolls eyes) Geez, everybody around here needs to get some pretty bad. I'm not the only horny one, I'm just the only one who shows it. C'mon.
(The boys climb the stairs to their dormitory, Harry still blubbering occasionally. Ron enters the room first and notices a shadowy figure slumped on Harry's bed.)
Ron: Get on your way Malfoy.
Malfoy: Just waiting for Potter. I uh, had a question about homework.
Ron: We haven't even had class yet!
Malfoy: Oh, uh, in that case, I guess my question was answered. 'Night!
(Malfoy leaps off Harry's bed and disappears. Ron and Harry begin to get dressed for bed.)
Ron: (shaking head) What a nutter. He's stalking you Harry, he really is.
(Harry hides his face while Ron disrobes and climbs into bed.)
Harry: (voice muffled from pillow) Why do you always sleep naked?
Ron: (half joking) In case a hot girl climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night.
Harry: (awed voice) Ron, how come you get so many girls?
Ron: That's easy. It's because I'm so sexy. Girls can't resist my innocent "I'm the last Weasley boy and all my brothers are so cool" speech….they melt like butter every time.
Harry: But I don't have any older brothers…..what am I supposed to do?
Ron: (shrugging, although Harry can't see him in the dark) Dunno. Maybe you could use that whole "I conquered the Dark Lord" story….it's a fairly interesting tale if you tell it right.
Harry: But Ron, that was years ago. How can I prove that I deserve a woman's love too??
Ron: (mumbling) Maybe not a woman's…*COUGH* Malfoy!
Harry: What?
Ron: (quickly) Nothing, g'night!
Ron: (indignantly) I'm telling you, one of them did it! Although…….(looks thoughtful) I suppose I did rather like it. They were both quite pretty, wouldn't you say?
Harry: (Like a good girl scout) But they're teachers! Ron that's bad. I draw the line at that. I may go chasing after Voldemort at every opportunity I get, most likely insuring my eventual demise at his hand, but I'm not STUPID!
Ron: Oh come on, Harry! They're three years older than us, tops! And I've always liked older women. Which one do you want Harry?? I'm going for the tall one, she's about what I like.
(Ron looks back down the stairs longingly, as though he can still see the two women, and sighs.)
Hermione: Oh, you boys are so stupid! They ought to put you in Hufflepuff!
Harry: Hermione, that's enough with the Hufflepuff jokes. They were over a long time ago.
Hermione: No they weren't…….our beautiful and talented author was just making fun of Hufflepuff a few pages paragraphs ago.
(Who, me? Never. Hufflepuff is my favorite house, I wish I could be in it, blah blah blah.)
Ron: Yeah well, it's funny when the NARRATOR does it, not you Hermione! (Faces forward, as though looking into an invisible camera.) How you doin babe? You're hot aren't you?
(Extremely.)
Harry: Ron, please keep your hormones in check, you can't be hitting on everything with boobs in your line of vision!
Ron: Um…….why not?
Harry: (Opens and shuts mouth several times, as though searching for an answer) Uh…..that's not the point, it's just wrong, okay?
(Ron shrugs and the three friends continue up to the common room. On the way, the soft strains of Kum ba ya reach their ears from the Hufflepuff common room. It isn't long before they reach the portrait of the fat lady, who must have been staying in her portrait more than usual and bribing the slaves, I mean house elves, into bringing her snacks, because she looked fatter than ever.)
Fat Lady: Password, please?
Ron: We don't know it yet. We haven't seen a prefect around.
Hermione: You know, I was almost head girl. But I had to hang around this lot and slack off my studies…..
Harry: Quit whining, you got 12 OWL's.
Fat Lady: No password, no way in.
Ron: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let us in?
Fat Lady: (Eyeing Ron unpleasantly) What's in it for me?
(Ron raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth to speak, but Hermione interrupts him.)
Hermione: RON! Don't you dare!
(The portrait of the fat lady swings open to admit them. Puzzled, they proceed into Gryffindor Tower.)
Harry: That was weirder than that time I magically ended up in outer space with a bunch of little kids and a penis-shaped rocket!
Hermione: (soothingly) Harry, that never happened remember? The therapist said it was a dream, it's NOT REAL!
Harry: Okay okay, but that was still weird! So what's the password?
Hermione: I don't know. I'll go outside again and check. I'll say each word, and we'll see which one gets me back in.
(Hermione leaves and returns within a few seconds, looking extremely confused.)
Hermione: The password….is Ron.
Harry: Ron? Why would it be Ron? I'm the famous one here!
(Harry begins to pout, but Ron looks thoughtful)
Ron: Hey Hermione…..who sets the passwords to the tower?
Hermione: Usually, the teachers work something out with the fat lady and the other entrance guarders. Why?
Ron: (triumphantly): I knew it! Those teachers like me! Why else would the password be my name? They're trying to win me over!
Hermione: It won't be that hard. No offense Ron, but a lot of the girls see you as easy. A male slut, if you will.
(Harry starts bawling and gibbering stuff about being more popular than Ron. He wraps himself in his invisibility cloak and moves toward the fire, still squealing and crying.)
Ron: What's he complaining about? He gets to be in the front on all the movie posters, and he's the star!
Hermione: Oh Ron, you just can't get it through your thick head! Girls are always attracted to you. Your flaming red hair, your lovely doe eyes, your tall stature…..who wants plain old boring Harry Potter when they could have you?
Harry: (through his tears) I heard that!
Hermione: The point is, Ron, that Harry is JEALOUS. You're so gosh darned adorable, and I know you can't help it but you need to try to put a lid on it sometimes. You're just so darn lovable it's too much to take.
Ron: Well, not everything about me is perfect you know! I have some flaws too.
Hermione: (crossing her arms) Like what?
Ron: Um……well when you put it that way, I don't seem to have any do I? Good point Hermione. Would you like a congratulatory shag?
Hermione: (disgusted and yet amused) If you could PLEASE keep little Ron in your pants, this is yet another disturbing mystery for us to solve! Why would the password be your name?
Ron: We've already discussed this.
Hermione: Okay okay. I guess I'm off to bed then. Ron, the prefects are inspecting tomorrow so you might want to move your Playwenches from underneath your mattress….that's a bit obvious if you ask me.
(Hermione makes her way up the girls' staircase as Harry dries his eyes and Ron looks thoughtful again.)
Ron: How did she know they were there?
Harry: Um, I did NOT tell her that sometimes I look at them when I get scared after a bad dream.
Ron: (rolls eyes) Geez, everybody around here needs to get some pretty bad. I'm not the only horny one, I'm just the only one who shows it. C'mon.
(The boys climb the stairs to their dormitory, Harry still blubbering occasionally. Ron enters the room first and notices a shadowy figure slumped on Harry's bed.)
Ron: Get on your way Malfoy.
Malfoy: Just waiting for Potter. I uh, had a question about homework.
Ron: We haven't even had class yet!
Malfoy: Oh, uh, in that case, I guess my question was answered. 'Night!
(Malfoy leaps off Harry's bed and disappears. Ron and Harry begin to get dressed for bed.)
Ron: (shaking head) What a nutter. He's stalking you Harry, he really is.
(Harry hides his face while Ron disrobes and climbs into bed.)
Harry: (voice muffled from pillow) Why do you always sleep naked?
Ron: (half joking) In case a hot girl climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night.
Harry: (awed voice) Ron, how come you get so many girls?
Ron: That's easy. It's because I'm so sexy. Girls can't resist my innocent "I'm the last Weasley boy and all my brothers are so cool" speech….they melt like butter every time.
Harry: But I don't have any older brothers…..what am I supposed to do?
Ron: (shrugging, although Harry can't see him in the dark) Dunno. Maybe you could use that whole "I conquered the Dark Lord" story….it's a fairly interesting tale if you tell it right.
Harry: But Ron, that was years ago. How can I prove that I deserve a woman's love too??
Ron: (mumbling) Maybe not a woman's…*COUGH* Malfoy!
Harry: What?
Ron: (quickly) Nothing, g'night!
