Hermione: Right, well, we best get to class. Today is our first potions lesson with that new instructor and I'd really like to get there early enough to fasten my lips securely to her ass. First though, I have to get back up to the dorm room, I forgot my new parchment.

Ron: Er, yeah, I forgot to pull on some boxers too. I'll be back soon Harry, let the teacher know where we are if we're late!

(Ron and Hermione hurry back to Gryffindor Tower, while Harry makes his way to Potions, humming softly.)

Harry: Let me see that thooooong. Baby, that thong tha thong thong thong!

Marilyn: Okay!

(Harry spins around quickly to see Marilyn standing behind him, wearing a purple sweater and guiding Malfoy by the shoulder.)

Harry: Oh, sorry Professor Stabs, I wasn't talking to you, I was just singing.

Marilyn: (hopefully) Are you sure?

Malfoy: I'll take a look at it for you, Professor.

(The three of them enter the classroom, and Marilyn makes her way to the front, clearing her throat to gain the attention of the Slytherin and Gryffindor seventh years. The dungeon classroom, once drab and plain, is now decorated with flowers and peace signs, not to mention flashing disco lights and beaded curtains above all the doorways.)

Marilyn: (smiling brightly) Good morning, students! I think I'll start out by taking attendance, then maybe a quick cage-dancing competition before we get on with class alright?

Harry: Um, my friends had to run back up to our common room for a moment, they should be coming pretty soon.

Marilyn: (looking down at her attendance sheet) And their names?

Harry: Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

(Marilyn raises her eyebrows at the sound of Ron's name, then smiles unpleasantly)

Marilyn: Well, we'll just have to hope they show up then. Alright, forget attendance, I'm too excited about today's lesson. We're making Love Potions!

(Marilyn squeals with excitement and begins rolling around on the floor with sheer happiness, emitting and occasional grunt.)

Marilyn: (standing up) Damn. I still can't do that the way Michelle can.

Malfoy: Michelle? Who's Michelle?

Marilyn: (Waving a hand to dismiss the question) Nevermind. Just a friend from high school. He must have had that operation by now…..anyway. Ingredients!

Harry: (looking around for Ron and Hermione, who still haven't shown up) Um, don't we need to pick partners first?

Marilyn: (shrugging) Well, if you say so. Hey, why don't you and Malfoy here be partners? I just got a note from Mr. Tim saying that Draco's friends Crabbe and Goyle have been sent down to his office for getting caught trying to watch the girls going to the bathroom, and Mr. Tim is going to teach them how to do it right. Since they aren't here either, maybe you and Draco ought to pair up. Here, set up your cauldron and I'll be right back.

(Marilyn disappears into the small lab room near the back of the classroom. Glaring daggers at each other, Malfoy and Harry set up their cauldron.)

Harry: (trying to be nice) So Malfoy, any luck with the ladies lately?

Malfoy: Of course. The last one cost about $5000. Only the best, daddy says.

(Just then, Marilyn returns, carrying a box of ingredients. She stops at Malfoy and Harry's table first, unloading several liquids.)

Malfoy: (picking one up) What's this? "Obsession"? Why do we need perfume?

Marilyn: Well, love really is about obsession, in a way. Okay class, begin!

Harry: But, Professor Stabs, we don't know how to make a love potion. They're forbidden at Hogwarts.

Marilyn: Well, maybe you two should start by making out, that usually works for me. Now if you'll excuse me for a quick second, I have to go see Mr. Tim about something. Just a little video we're making, nothing major. Excuse me boys.

(Marilyn glides out of the room, leaving Malfoy, Harry, and the rest of the class alone with their potions ingredients.)

Malfoy: Well, I suppose we better get started, Potter. Hand me that pink stuff you have.

Harry: (innocently) What pink stuff?

Malfoy: Um, the pink perfume you just spritzed on yourself before dropping the bottle into your pocket.

Harry: OOOOH! This pink stuff!

(Harry pulls the perfume out of his pocket and the two work silently for a few moments.)

Malfoy: There, I think it's almost ready we just have to let it simmer.

Harry: (Makes hand motion) Simmer down! Simmer down now!

Malfoy: Pardon me?

Harry: Crying out sakes that's funny man! What's wrong with us people?

Malfoy: Excuse me, us people?

Harry: Yes, US people! We seem so cleancut and wholesome all the time here at Hogwarts, where are the drug addicts and cheerleader sluts that all normal schools have? Thank Gob our Narrator has added a touch of realism to the insanity of this entire institution!

(Well….I try.)

Malfoy: Okay, Harry, you don't make any sense but I'm going to just agree with you because you smell so lovely.

Harry: Why thanks, I just showered this morning.

(The bell rings and the class expels into the hallway, Harry looking wildly around for Ron and Hermione, who never showed up. As he's walking, he hears a voice shouting behind him.)

Krum: Harry! Yo, pimp! What up dog?

Harry: (smiling toothily) Hello Viktor.

Krum: Hey Harry, no hard feelings about me knockin' up the object of your affection, right? I mean, Hermione will always be in my heart man, Cho means nothing to me.

Harry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. (Dr. Evil finger)

Krum: (guffawing ridiculously) Duuuuuuuuude…..that was a phat movie man.

Harry: Why the hell are you trying to be cool all of a sudden?

Krum: Dude, I'm just trying to fit in with the ridiculous standards that high school popularity entails. Feel the love yo.

Harry: Oh, I can feel it.

(Just then, Malfoy approaches, looking awkward.)

Malfoy: Um, can I have a moment alone with Harry?

Krum: (giggling manically again) Pot-man, I think Draco has a little crush on you!

Harry: Get stuffed Krum.

Krum: MAN that sounds so dirty!

(Harry follows Malfoy away from the still-laughing Krum to a more private section of hallway)

Malfoy: Um, I just wanted to tell you that Professor Stabs wants to meet us tonight up in the empty storage room on the third floor. She said that whatever we do we should NOT push the little red button on the wall marked "push me please."

Harry: (looking thoughtful) What could she want to see us about?

Malfoy: (shrugging) Maybe she noticed our unspoken attraction and sensed the sexual tension between us.

Harry: Maybe. See ya Draco!