In a controversial move, I have decided to interrupt your regularly scheduled perverse Harry Potter fic to bring you a profile of heroes. That's right, I'm talking about those few lucky souls selected to become members of Hufflepuff House. Throughout the years, Hufflepuff House has brought the rest of us so much joy. Whether we're making fun of them or laughing when they trip and fall, Hufflepuffers never fail to provide amusement for the rest of us, both muggles and magical folks alike. In my pursuit of information, I've been scurrying around Hogwarts harassing students from all four houses, trying to conduct interviews. At best, I got a few hurried comments as students scuttled away, trying to avoid me. "I guess I never really thought about it," commented Justin Finch-Fletchley, a Hufflepuff 5th year upon being asked what he thinks about being a part of the most unpopular group of people in the wizarding world. For that is the way Hufflepuffers are seen by nearly everyone, except several muggles interviewed who most likely would have been in Hufflepuff themselves. "I think the Hufflepuffs are sweet," cooed one VHS junior, who asked that her name never, ever be realeased in connection with this statement. "They're nice to everyone." Yeah. But that doesn't make them any cooler, now does it? Ever heard of the phrase "nice guys finish last"? Well, a slightly modified version would be "nice wizards from Hufflepuff never get laid." Get it? Good. Some people, at least, seem to have an excellent grasp of the concept. "I think Hufflepuff is the gay house," commented a friend of mine not too long ago. I happen to know that this statement is accurate because this friend happens to have "gaydar" so he would know. Well put sweetie, well put. Anyway, the purpose of this special bulletin is to familiarize you all with the students of Hufflepuff House, as well as its formation and the types of activities that go on within the common room walls. Come…..join me.
PART 1: The beginning
Hufflepuff House, famous for its hardworking members, was formed by one of the four Hogwarts founders, Helga Hufflepuff. Well, if working hard is a treasured virtue, you know that Hufflepuffers don't really have a heck of a lot of talent in other areas, and the same was true with Helga herself. She was the kind of girl that everyone just kind of ignored. She wasn't very pretty, smart, funny or intelligent. In fact, she only came to be a part of "Operation Magic Tinkle" (a.k.a. Project Hogwarts) because she had been spying on the rest of the founders and threatened to expose them to……well, I don't really know who she planned to tell, but the point is, they let her be a part of their evil plan to make children learn. (Shudders). It is the impression of this author that I just might know someone who was Helga Hufflepuff in a past life, but I'll withhold her name for privacy purposes. One historian quoted Helga as saying, "Hard work gets you everywhere you want to go. If you don't understand something, just work hard, and you'll understand it. That's how life works." To which this reporter commented, "That's Miss Kalb deep." In conclusion, I would just like to remind everyone of one thing. Hufflepuff House was formed for the sole purpose of uniting dorks everywhere and giving the rest of us a hearty laugh at their expense. No more, no less. That's it. The last enchilada. Or is that the big enchilada? Anyway, I don't like Mexican food so it doesn't matter. In any case, never forget why Hufflepuff was created. From now until the end of time, we'll always need idiots to make us feel better about ourselves, and we've truly found this in Hufflepuff.
PART 2: The Hufflepuff Elite
Among the Upper-Crust of Hogwarts House exist only the most interesting and talented people you'll be likely to find anywhere. "Dude…..are you like a writer or something?" Was the question posed to me by Ernie McMillan, another Hufflepuff 5th year, to which his friend Hannah Abbot added, "Sweet! We're in a fan fiction! Can I say hi to my mom?" Yours truly was quite impressed by their advanced literary skills, as I'm sure you can tell. As previously discussed, the criteria for becoming a Hufflepuff involves only hard work. That's it. No strings attached. No exams to pass or fraternities to pledge to. Just work hard and you're in. Which pretty much proves that if no other house will take you, Hufflepuff is your last hope. "We all kind of think of Hufflepuff as a last resort," Ron Weasley admitted in our exclusive interview after he had put his clothes back on. "They don't get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you know?" Even Draco Malfoy had something to say on the subject. Apart from his original comment of "Imagine being in Hufflepuff? I think I'd leave wouldn't you?" he also chose to comment to this reporter. "Hufflepuffers will be the first to go. Every single one of them will provide a village with an idiot one day." Even Lord Voldemort asserted, "They're too vile to even touch. That's why they're all still alive, I can't even stand to kill them." Now some may think that this evaluation of Hufflepuff House is unfair or biased, but I swear upon my pet bunny's grave that I just tell it like it is. Even the Hogwarts game-keeper, Hagrid, was rumored to have said, "Everyone says Hufflepuffs are a lot of doffers." But, not all of the comments were bad. "I really enjoy being in Hufflepuff. I never have to be brave, intelligent, or ambitious. I just sit here and do my homework like a good girl, and I'm set to graduate. No one really expects much of us," claimed Susan Bones, also a 5th year Hufflepuff. And there you have it folks. The greatest students in Hufflepuff. God bless the goobers of this world, and may they live on forever.
PART 3: Activities
As previously mentioned in this raunchy, uncouth, and yet strangely entertaining fanfiction, a favorite pastime of Hufflepuffs is singing Kumbaya. Although the other students joked about it for years, it was a house elf who finally discovered the truth. The elf, called Doobie (name has been changed to protect identity) claims that he was lighting a fire in the common room when the Hufflepuffs all congregated there, roasting marshmallows as they began to hum and sing. Not only that, they all possessed cups of steamed milk and pajamas with footies. The Hufflepuffs basically keep to others of their kind, preferring only to roam the castles at night when no one else is about. It has also been brought to my attention that the Hufflepuffs are all very indecisive. Or are they? Yes, they are. No, they're not. Wait, yes there are…..well anyway. The Fat Friar has also been known to bring out his wooden flute from his boy scout days and play a warm and lively tune to lull his housemates to sleep. Thank Gob for that.
And this concludes my tribute to Hufflepuff House this evening. Thank you for pretending to listen, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
PART 1: The beginning
Hufflepuff House, famous for its hardworking members, was formed by one of the four Hogwarts founders, Helga Hufflepuff. Well, if working hard is a treasured virtue, you know that Hufflepuffers don't really have a heck of a lot of talent in other areas, and the same was true with Helga herself. She was the kind of girl that everyone just kind of ignored. She wasn't very pretty, smart, funny or intelligent. In fact, she only came to be a part of "Operation Magic Tinkle" (a.k.a. Project Hogwarts) because she had been spying on the rest of the founders and threatened to expose them to……well, I don't really know who she planned to tell, but the point is, they let her be a part of their evil plan to make children learn. (Shudders). It is the impression of this author that I just might know someone who was Helga Hufflepuff in a past life, but I'll withhold her name for privacy purposes. One historian quoted Helga as saying, "Hard work gets you everywhere you want to go. If you don't understand something, just work hard, and you'll understand it. That's how life works." To which this reporter commented, "That's Miss Kalb deep." In conclusion, I would just like to remind everyone of one thing. Hufflepuff House was formed for the sole purpose of uniting dorks everywhere and giving the rest of us a hearty laugh at their expense. No more, no less. That's it. The last enchilada. Or is that the big enchilada? Anyway, I don't like Mexican food so it doesn't matter. In any case, never forget why Hufflepuff was created. From now until the end of time, we'll always need idiots to make us feel better about ourselves, and we've truly found this in Hufflepuff.
PART 2: The Hufflepuff Elite
Among the Upper-Crust of Hogwarts House exist only the most interesting and talented people you'll be likely to find anywhere. "Dude…..are you like a writer or something?" Was the question posed to me by Ernie McMillan, another Hufflepuff 5th year, to which his friend Hannah Abbot added, "Sweet! We're in a fan fiction! Can I say hi to my mom?" Yours truly was quite impressed by their advanced literary skills, as I'm sure you can tell. As previously discussed, the criteria for becoming a Hufflepuff involves only hard work. That's it. No strings attached. No exams to pass or fraternities to pledge to. Just work hard and you're in. Which pretty much proves that if no other house will take you, Hufflepuff is your last hope. "We all kind of think of Hufflepuff as a last resort," Ron Weasley admitted in our exclusive interview after he had put his clothes back on. "They don't get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you know?" Even Draco Malfoy had something to say on the subject. Apart from his original comment of "Imagine being in Hufflepuff? I think I'd leave wouldn't you?" he also chose to comment to this reporter. "Hufflepuffers will be the first to go. Every single one of them will provide a village with an idiot one day." Even Lord Voldemort asserted, "They're too vile to even touch. That's why they're all still alive, I can't even stand to kill them." Now some may think that this evaluation of Hufflepuff House is unfair or biased, but I swear upon my pet bunny's grave that I just tell it like it is. Even the Hogwarts game-keeper, Hagrid, was rumored to have said, "Everyone says Hufflepuffs are a lot of doffers." But, not all of the comments were bad. "I really enjoy being in Hufflepuff. I never have to be brave, intelligent, or ambitious. I just sit here and do my homework like a good girl, and I'm set to graduate. No one really expects much of us," claimed Susan Bones, also a 5th year Hufflepuff. And there you have it folks. The greatest students in Hufflepuff. God bless the goobers of this world, and may they live on forever.
PART 3: Activities
As previously mentioned in this raunchy, uncouth, and yet strangely entertaining fanfiction, a favorite pastime of Hufflepuffs is singing Kumbaya. Although the other students joked about it for years, it was a house elf who finally discovered the truth. The elf, called Doobie (name has been changed to protect identity) claims that he was lighting a fire in the common room when the Hufflepuffs all congregated there, roasting marshmallows as they began to hum and sing. Not only that, they all possessed cups of steamed milk and pajamas with footies. The Hufflepuffs basically keep to others of their kind, preferring only to roam the castles at night when no one else is about. It has also been brought to my attention that the Hufflepuffs are all very indecisive. Or are they? Yes, they are. No, they're not. Wait, yes there are…..well anyway. The Fat Friar has also been known to bring out his wooden flute from his boy scout days and play a warm and lively tune to lull his housemates to sleep. Thank Gob for that.
And this concludes my tribute to Hufflepuff House this evening. Thank you for pretending to listen, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
