(After leaving Myrtle's bathroom, the three friends contine on their way down to Hagrid's cabin, after reminding Ron to go put some clothes on. They arrive at Hagrid's hut moments later, and Ron knocks on the door.)

Ron: Hagrid! Open up we need to talk to you!

(Hagrid opens the door a crack and peers out.)

Hagrid: A'right, hurry it up now, c'mon. Don't want these critters gettin' out now, would I?

(Harry, Ron, and Hermione slip in through the small space between the door and the wall and look around. Madame Maxime is sitting on Hagrid's bed wearing nothing but lacy pink undies and a purple bathrobe, while six children run noisily around the kitchen, one of them screaming as Fang tries to bite his hand off.)

Harry: (covering his ears and yelling) Did we come at a bad time?

Ron: (covering his ears and, upon seeing Madame Maxime, his eyes) Yeah, would you like us to come back later?

Hagrid: No, no, tha's okay. This is actually quite calm fer them. Lil' tykes.

Hermione: Hagrid, I didn't think you'd carry your affinity for monsters this far! I mean, one or two was fine but six? Look at them!

(All heads turn to look at the children, all of whom have unmanagable wiry black hair and enormous bulks. The youngest girl, who is bigger than Fang, attempts to pick him up and throw him in the fire.)

Hagrid: (Pulls out whistle and blows shrilly) Vontrapps! I mean, Hagrids! Assemble!

(The children hurry to make a straight line, the oldest on the left, the youngest on the right, still crawling around in just her diaper.)

Hagrid: State your names:

Holly: Holly!

Hortleby: Hortleby!

Henrietta: Henrietta!

Manny: Manny!

Miguel: Miguel!

Madeline: (blows raspberry and contents herself with body slamming her pet niffler.)

Hagrid: (proudly) Well, tha's the whole lot. Don't think yeh've meet lil Madeline. Yeh haven't been down to visit me en awhile.

Hermione: We're sorry Hagrid, we've just been so busy studying….

Ron: And having sex….

Harry: Trying to elude Voldemort…..

Ron: And having sex…..

Hermione: Trying to train Harry for quidditch….

Ron: And having sex…..

Harry: (gritted teeth) and buying Christmas presents…..

Ron: And eating grapes! (Smiles happily and pops a grape into his mouth.)

Hagrid: Aw, it's a'right. Been gettin' along jus fine. But maybe you lot better run along now, Olympe's in heat. And take the children, would yeh?

(Next thing they know, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are back outside Hagrid's hut with the six youngsters, and the sound of giggling and a bed breaking can be heard from inside.)

Ron: (shakes head) Blimey. I feel so inadequate and inexperienced.

Harry: Oh shut it you great prat!

(There it is again. You'd think that if I didn't know what a word meant I'd stop using it, but prat is just so fun to write that I can't quit. I'm a failure! I need some serious psycho-analysis. I'm such a prat.)

Ron: (sounding hurt) What's wrong with you?

Harry: I'll tell you what's wrong! I'm a virgin, that's what's wrong! You hear me! I'm a virgin! And Silvia Browne says that I should pretend I'm not looking for love and it will find me, but that never happens! No one ever loves me, not even blow-up doll Katie and-"

(Harry claps a hand over his mouth, looking mortified. Hermione and Ron just stare at him, aghast.)

Hermione: Oh Harry. Harry, don't feel bad. It's really not all that great.

(Ron grunts through his nose)

Hermione: Well, okay, it is, but that's only when you have sex with Ron, so you're really not missing much.

Harry: (drying his tears) Really?

Ron: No, not really. (Dr. evil finger)

Hermione: (shooting dark looks at Ron) Really, Harry. Besides, we still love you. Now let's play with the kids for a bit, what do you say?

Harry: No thanks. I think I'll just go back to the dorms. Maybe I can fit in a quick romp with Katie before Defense Against the Dark Arts. See you.

(Harry walks slowly back toward the castle, leaving Ron and Hermione to keep Hagrid's giant children from killing the giant squid. As he shuffles back toward his dorm, "Big Girls Don't Cry" plays in the background.)

Harry: (Angrily faces omniscient narrator) Would you quit making fun of me already?? Just because I'm a sad pathetic virgin who sleeps with blow up dolls doesn't mean you have to attack my sexuality!

(The whole hallway swivels to look at him. Harry turns red as everyone looks about, trying to figure out who he's talking to. Unfortunately, they can't see the narrator and just think that Harry is going nutters. They go back to their daily business.)

Harry: (In a low, conspiratorial voice) What'd you do that for? Now everyone thinks I'm off my rocker!

(I'm not the one screaming at narrators who aren't real. Get hold of yourself man!)

Harry: Okay, okay, I get the point. Just stop playing the corny music, okay??!!!!

(But, it wasn't me.)

Harry: Well, then who was it?

(That kid over there with the boombox. See, the one in the purple robes?)

Harry: (embarrassed) Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But why is he listening to "Big Girls Don't Cry?"

(Hufflepuff my dear. It's like a whole other world.)

Harry: (sighing loudly) I'll never meet a woman!

(Did Psychic Silvia tell you that too? Or maybe Miss Cleo? ::Snickers::)

Harry: I happen to think that Miss Cleo is a respectable member of the psychic community, and if you'd ever met Silvia Browne, you would understand how I feel! But no one understands!

(Aw, there there. You met psychic Silvia?)

Harry: Why yes, yes I did. She told me my parents had "crossed over." It was a really deep experience.

(Well great. Anyway, I'm sure people are sick of us talking like this in the middle of the hallway Harry so why don't I move this along and get you to Defense Against the Dark Arts?)

Harry: Sounds good. Thanks for your compassion, narrator, you've been a big help.

(Anytime.)