**This is your lovely author. Thanks to all for the smashingly good reviews I've received thus far. They give me a warm, tingly feeling inside. Oh wait….I ate the cafeteria food today. Nevermind. Anyway, the whole point of this paragraph is to plug my OTHER Harry Potter fic, "The Dark Days of Tom Riddle", which is traumatizingly bad compared to my usual standards but I got such nice reviews for "Lucky Day" that I thought I'd try it out. Let me know what you think, and be honest! Oh, and if you didn't like it, tell me why. Constructive criticism can only help! Alrighty well, it's time for yours truly to go finish studying for her Physics exam, so content yourselves with this chapter for now, and if you're bored go read my other stories, or those by my fellow author and partner in crime Marilyn Stabs (especially Baby Bat, I consider it her masterpiece.) Okay, enough out of me for today. Enjoy!**
(As Harry continues on his merry way up to Gryffindor tower to prepare for his next class, I'm going to tell you about Ron. Ron, as you all know, is the youngest Weasley brother. He has struggled his entire life to prove that he is worthy of his parents love just like Charlie, Bill, Percy the Prefect, and the smashingly adorable twins, Fred and George. As some of you know, I'm madly in love with Ron, and part of the reason I aged him a little bit for this fic was so that I wouldn't get complaints from child welfare about me corrupting innocent little red-haired boys. In my vast and extensive research on Harry Potter fan fictions, I have noticed that most of my fellow authors tend to shove Ron off into a back corner somewhere while they go on and on about fabulous Harry Potter. At the risk of sounding a bit like Draco Malfoy, I have to say I'm sick and frickin' tired of hearing about that whiny, no-account, no talent--)
Harry: I can still hear you! I'm not out of earshot yet!
(Oops. Sorry. ::Waits for Harry to turn the corner:: Anyway, sorry for the interruption. Where was I? ::Scrolls up:: Oh yeah, okay. My point is, Ron never gets the attention he deserves because everyone is too busy trying to get Harry Potter's attention. Well, I'm here to change all that. For once, Ron is going to get what he's worked so hard for. How do I know that this prophecy will come to pass? Because I'm the author and I said so.)
(Ron makes his way inside from the grounds, where Hermione is using her judo chop to try and detach Hagrid's hairy children from the giant squid. Her cries of "I AM THE VENGEANCE" remind Ron of someone else he knows, but he can't quite put his finger on who it could be. He sighs wearily as he stepped across the threshold into the castle.)
Vivian: (popping up out of nowhere and putting her arm around Ron) Why so glum chum?
Ron: (sighing again) Oh, it's nothing.
Viv: C'mon, I can tell when something's bothering my favorite student!
Ron: (looking puzzled) You haven't even had me in class yet!
Viv: Yes but I know you'll be brilliant! I've been stalk-I mean, watching you lately and you seem to have quite a lot of talent.
Ron: (furiously) Yeah, tell that to my parents!
Viv: What do you mean?
Ron: I just get the feeling like my parents don't think that I'm good enough compared to all my brothers.
Vivian: Oh Ron, I don't understand where you would get an idea like that!
(Ron fishes in his "man bag" for several minutes, pulling out a tube of lipstick, a thong, and some breathmints before extracting a very ratty piece of parchment and handing it to Vivian.)
Vivian: (wrinkling her nose at the dirty paper and holding it with the tips of her ruby red fingers) Icky….what do you want me to do with it?
Ron: Um, you could read it?
Vivian: Ew! I just took a shower, complete with totally organic experiences! (Holds up Herbal Essences bottle in a shameless plug because she needs the money) I had the URGE……
Ron: (exasperated) Okay okay I'll read it to you! (He snatches the parchment back and reads out loud) "Dear Ron, We don't think you're good enough compared to your brothers. Love, Mom and Dad." Oh, and the PS says that Eloise Midgen called and she's not preggers after all. I guess that's good news. But I still feel like….are you listening?
(Vivian, who stopped paying attention five minutes ago, is silently mouthing the herbal essences song while 5 attractive men wash her hair in the middle of the corridor. Noticing Ron's annoyed look, she snaps her fingers and the men disappear.)
Viv: Oh Ron, don't be such a baby! (I would have used the word prat here, but I was informed by a kind reviewer that it is, in fact, a Hufflepuff word, so therefore I can no longer use it with a clear conscience.) Who cares what your mommy thinks? Now let's go shag.
(Vivian takes Ron's hand and tries to drag him into Professor McGonagall's nearby classroom, although there is a class inside. Ron pulls back, looking disturbed)
Ron: That's my line! I'm the one hankering for a piece of ass here!
Viv: Well what if I like dashing red-haired boys? Am I not allowed to be the aggressor?
Ron: Well, what if I like being the one to take charge in a relationship?
Viv: Since when were we in a relationship? Look, I think you need to straighten out your little boy hormones just a bit.
Ron: You're the one who just wanted to shag me!
Viv: (Nodding in agreement) Okay, Ron. You're right. Let's go hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Ron: No, I'm very upset about this. My parents think that all I'm good for is a nice ride!
Viv: Aww, Ronnie….that's all you ARE good for!
Ron: (his eyes begin to well up with tears) Look, I never asked to have this body okay? I was born with it! It's not my fault that all the girls would rather sleep with me than the famous Harry Potter! I'm sorry my magic tinkle is bigger than his, alright! All I want is for someone to take me seriously!
Vivian: (filing her nails and looking bored) So are we gonna do the horizontal mambo or not?
(Before Ron can answer, a hot seventh year Ravenclaw boy approaches them, smiling toothily and holding a stack of flyers. He hands one to each of them.)
Boy: (Who's name is Eugene, by the way) Would you like to join the Virgin Club?
Ron and Vivian: (exchanging looks and speaking in unison) The Virgin Club?
Eugene: Yeah, it's really fun!
Vivian: (Looking excited) Do we get to do puzzles???
Ron: Puzzles?
Vivian: Yeah, Marilyn has this obsessive compulsive thing with doing puzzles in math class, and now puzzles make me feel fulfilled. My life is only complete when I'm doing puzzles. Does that make sense?
Ron: No.
Vivian: Excellent! So do we get to do puzzles?
Eugene: Why yes, you do! And, you get to wear this nifty shirt every day. (Holds up t-shirt) See, it has a giant purple V on it. The V stands for virgin, not some remote high school in Ohio. And then when you finally get yourself some action, you get to put a big red smiley face over it! (Whips out smiley-face patch and ironing board, attaching the iron-on design in seconds flat.) But only sex counts, nothing else.
Ron: Um, sorry, Buddy, there aren't any virgins here.
Eugene: My name is Eugene!
Vivian: (smiling charismatically) Of course it is. But you see Eugene, we've both….well….okay, do you consider it sex if……
(Vivian leans in to whisper in Eugene's ear.)
Eugene: Nope, you're still a virgin!
Vivian: Wait, what about….
(Vivian mutters something else into Eugene's ear, but he grins even wider.)
Eugene: Nope, still a virgin babe! Oh boy, a new club member! Have a button!
(Eugene holds out a button with a gigantic V on it, but Vivian leans in again.)
Vivian: What about……
(As Vivian mumbles in an extremely low voice into Eugene's ear, his face contorts into a look of disgust and he snatches the button back.)
Eugene: Eww! You're not welcome anymore!
(Eugene hurries off, but Ron is staring at Vivian.)
Ron: What did you tell him?
Vivian: Ever been to Denver, Ron? Those were some wild and crazy times.
Ron: What were? What's Denver? What the heck are you talking about?
Vivian: Nevermind, nevermind. Now you better scat, you'll be late for my class.
Ron: I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SHAG!
Vivian: Ron, you missed your chance. I have a class to teach. Now, if you'll excuse me.
(Vivian sweeps past him and saunters off, not turning back.)
Ron: Hey Narrator, could you make your alter-ego a little bit less of a cock tease?
(Ron, she's got a point. You just took too long. Maybe next time you'll get on the horse a bit faster eh?)
Ron: Is horse some kind of dirty word for-
(I don't know what you're implying, but I would never talk about anything inappropriate. I'm just the innocent narrator relating the events of your final year at Hogwarts. Is that okay with you?)
Ron: Okay, so you're telling me that none of this is your fault?
(Well…..)
Ron: I knew it! This is all your fault!
(It's not all my fault! I'm not Gob you know! Most of this has to do with the fact that you never forwarded any of those internet chain letters man….that ruined your life.)
Ron: So will I get to sleep with you….I mean, Vivian, any time soon?
(Don't count your dragon eggs, compadre.)
(As Harry continues on his merry way up to Gryffindor tower to prepare for his next class, I'm going to tell you about Ron. Ron, as you all know, is the youngest Weasley brother. He has struggled his entire life to prove that he is worthy of his parents love just like Charlie, Bill, Percy the Prefect, and the smashingly adorable twins, Fred and George. As some of you know, I'm madly in love with Ron, and part of the reason I aged him a little bit for this fic was so that I wouldn't get complaints from child welfare about me corrupting innocent little red-haired boys. In my vast and extensive research on Harry Potter fan fictions, I have noticed that most of my fellow authors tend to shove Ron off into a back corner somewhere while they go on and on about fabulous Harry Potter. At the risk of sounding a bit like Draco Malfoy, I have to say I'm sick and frickin' tired of hearing about that whiny, no-account, no talent--)
Harry: I can still hear you! I'm not out of earshot yet!
(Oops. Sorry. ::Waits for Harry to turn the corner:: Anyway, sorry for the interruption. Where was I? ::Scrolls up:: Oh yeah, okay. My point is, Ron never gets the attention he deserves because everyone is too busy trying to get Harry Potter's attention. Well, I'm here to change all that. For once, Ron is going to get what he's worked so hard for. How do I know that this prophecy will come to pass? Because I'm the author and I said so.)
(Ron makes his way inside from the grounds, where Hermione is using her judo chop to try and detach Hagrid's hairy children from the giant squid. Her cries of "I AM THE VENGEANCE" remind Ron of someone else he knows, but he can't quite put his finger on who it could be. He sighs wearily as he stepped across the threshold into the castle.)
Vivian: (popping up out of nowhere and putting her arm around Ron) Why so glum chum?
Ron: (sighing again) Oh, it's nothing.
Viv: C'mon, I can tell when something's bothering my favorite student!
Ron: (looking puzzled) You haven't even had me in class yet!
Viv: Yes but I know you'll be brilliant! I've been stalk-I mean, watching you lately and you seem to have quite a lot of talent.
Ron: (furiously) Yeah, tell that to my parents!
Viv: What do you mean?
Ron: I just get the feeling like my parents don't think that I'm good enough compared to all my brothers.
Vivian: Oh Ron, I don't understand where you would get an idea like that!
(Ron fishes in his "man bag" for several minutes, pulling out a tube of lipstick, a thong, and some breathmints before extracting a very ratty piece of parchment and handing it to Vivian.)
Vivian: (wrinkling her nose at the dirty paper and holding it with the tips of her ruby red fingers) Icky….what do you want me to do with it?
Ron: Um, you could read it?
Vivian: Ew! I just took a shower, complete with totally organic experiences! (Holds up Herbal Essences bottle in a shameless plug because she needs the money) I had the URGE……
Ron: (exasperated) Okay okay I'll read it to you! (He snatches the parchment back and reads out loud) "Dear Ron, We don't think you're good enough compared to your brothers. Love, Mom and Dad." Oh, and the PS says that Eloise Midgen called and she's not preggers after all. I guess that's good news. But I still feel like….are you listening?
(Vivian, who stopped paying attention five minutes ago, is silently mouthing the herbal essences song while 5 attractive men wash her hair in the middle of the corridor. Noticing Ron's annoyed look, she snaps her fingers and the men disappear.)
Viv: Oh Ron, don't be such a baby! (I would have used the word prat here, but I was informed by a kind reviewer that it is, in fact, a Hufflepuff word, so therefore I can no longer use it with a clear conscience.) Who cares what your mommy thinks? Now let's go shag.
(Vivian takes Ron's hand and tries to drag him into Professor McGonagall's nearby classroom, although there is a class inside. Ron pulls back, looking disturbed)
Ron: That's my line! I'm the one hankering for a piece of ass here!
Viv: Well what if I like dashing red-haired boys? Am I not allowed to be the aggressor?
Ron: Well, what if I like being the one to take charge in a relationship?
Viv: Since when were we in a relationship? Look, I think you need to straighten out your little boy hormones just a bit.
Ron: You're the one who just wanted to shag me!
Viv: (Nodding in agreement) Okay, Ron. You're right. Let's go hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Ron: No, I'm very upset about this. My parents think that all I'm good for is a nice ride!
Viv: Aww, Ronnie….that's all you ARE good for!
Ron: (his eyes begin to well up with tears) Look, I never asked to have this body okay? I was born with it! It's not my fault that all the girls would rather sleep with me than the famous Harry Potter! I'm sorry my magic tinkle is bigger than his, alright! All I want is for someone to take me seriously!
Vivian: (filing her nails and looking bored) So are we gonna do the horizontal mambo or not?
(Before Ron can answer, a hot seventh year Ravenclaw boy approaches them, smiling toothily and holding a stack of flyers. He hands one to each of them.)
Boy: (Who's name is Eugene, by the way) Would you like to join the Virgin Club?
Ron and Vivian: (exchanging looks and speaking in unison) The Virgin Club?
Eugene: Yeah, it's really fun!
Vivian: (Looking excited) Do we get to do puzzles???
Ron: Puzzles?
Vivian: Yeah, Marilyn has this obsessive compulsive thing with doing puzzles in math class, and now puzzles make me feel fulfilled. My life is only complete when I'm doing puzzles. Does that make sense?
Ron: No.
Vivian: Excellent! So do we get to do puzzles?
Eugene: Why yes, you do! And, you get to wear this nifty shirt every day. (Holds up t-shirt) See, it has a giant purple V on it. The V stands for virgin, not some remote high school in Ohio. And then when you finally get yourself some action, you get to put a big red smiley face over it! (Whips out smiley-face patch and ironing board, attaching the iron-on design in seconds flat.) But only sex counts, nothing else.
Ron: Um, sorry, Buddy, there aren't any virgins here.
Eugene: My name is Eugene!
Vivian: (smiling charismatically) Of course it is. But you see Eugene, we've both….well….okay, do you consider it sex if……
(Vivian leans in to whisper in Eugene's ear.)
Eugene: Nope, you're still a virgin!
Vivian: Wait, what about….
(Vivian mutters something else into Eugene's ear, but he grins even wider.)
Eugene: Nope, still a virgin babe! Oh boy, a new club member! Have a button!
(Eugene holds out a button with a gigantic V on it, but Vivian leans in again.)
Vivian: What about……
(As Vivian mumbles in an extremely low voice into Eugene's ear, his face contorts into a look of disgust and he snatches the button back.)
Eugene: Eww! You're not welcome anymore!
(Eugene hurries off, but Ron is staring at Vivian.)
Ron: What did you tell him?
Vivian: Ever been to Denver, Ron? Those were some wild and crazy times.
Ron: What were? What's Denver? What the heck are you talking about?
Vivian: Nevermind, nevermind. Now you better scat, you'll be late for my class.
Ron: I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SHAG!
Vivian: Ron, you missed your chance. I have a class to teach. Now, if you'll excuse me.
(Vivian sweeps past him and saunters off, not turning back.)
Ron: Hey Narrator, could you make your alter-ego a little bit less of a cock tease?
(Ron, she's got a point. You just took too long. Maybe next time you'll get on the horse a bit faster eh?)
Ron: Is horse some kind of dirty word for-
(I don't know what you're implying, but I would never talk about anything inappropriate. I'm just the innocent narrator relating the events of your final year at Hogwarts. Is that okay with you?)
Ron: Okay, so you're telling me that none of this is your fault?
(Well…..)
Ron: I knew it! This is all your fault!
(It's not all my fault! I'm not Gob you know! Most of this has to do with the fact that you never forwarded any of those internet chain letters man….that ruined your life.)
Ron: So will I get to sleep with you….I mean, Vivian, any time soon?
(Don't count your dragon eggs, compadre.)
