**Sorry this is short loves.....I have bunches of projects due this week and stuff. Enjoy and I'll update soon!

(Somehow, Ron, Hermione, and Harry all find their way to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Nothing of interest happened to Hermione because….I just don't care. Harry's the star and Ron is my future boy toy, so there you go. I suppose I'll get to her story later. Anyway, my strange fetish for young red-headed wizards really has nothing to do with this. The three friends are seated toward the back of the room, little Madeline still attached to Hermione's leg with her teeth. Hermione is picking seaweed off her shoulder when Professor Kain comes into the room.)

Hermione: Hey Ron, did you watch Stephen King's "Rose Red" on television the other night?

Ron: Um….no.

Hermione: Oh. Cuz our narrator was watching it while she wrote this.

Harry: What does that have to do with my lack of sexual experience?

Hermione: Nothing, I was just making conversation. Geez, does everything have to be about sex?

Harry, Ron, Narrator, Vivian, Marilyn (who pokes her head into the room at that precise moment), and Mr. Tim (watching through the crack in the wall): YES!

Hermione: Crikey did you all have to shout?

Ron: Shhh…here she is!

(Vivian enters the room in a slow-motion walking scene. Prop guys scramble around her running a fan to make her hair float in the breeze and laying out a red carpet before she took each step. The makeup guy touches up a blemish and the camera crew zooms out as Viv faces the class.)

Vivian: Alright kiddies, here's the deal. I can't teach until I get a little decoration around here, so just hang on.

(Viv claps her hands and posters of Rocky Horror, The Crow, Austin Powers, and Moulin Rouge slide into place from panels in the ceiling. The room grows dark and strobe lights begin to spin crazily around the place. Glitter is released from the ceiling and drizzles down onto the class.)

Vivian: Much better. I feel so much more at home. Now, on with the lesson. You are here to learn Defense against the Dark Arts, which is a very complicated and exact science. I'll need a volunteer for my first demonstration. You won't need your wands for this so you can put them away.

(Everyone tucks their wands inside their robes, but Ron's hand stretches as high into the air as it will go, and Vivian calls on him.)

Viv: Yes, Mr. Wheezy?

Ron: (rapt admiration plain in his eyes) Can I be your volunteer?

Vivian: (Grinning and nodding) Um, okay. (Ditzy smile)

(Ron makes his way to the front of the room, and Viv places him across from her.)

Vivian: Okay, now this first move I'm going to show you is usually effective. It confuses the attacker long enough for you to get away. Okay now, Ron, wave you wand at me.

(Ron waves his wand around, looking like he feels like a huge goober. Vivian runs up to him and gently shoves his shoulder, then turns and runs away with her arms flapping.)

Vivian: See? Now that's the wimpiest counter-attack ever. They'll be so confused that by the time they realized you've escaped, you'll be halfway to Mexico on a double-decker bus you hijacked with your friends. Now everyone break up into partners and try it.

(Looking puzzled, everyone breaks off into groups to attempt the difficult maneuver. They are just beginning when there is a crash from the far side of the room.)

Vivian: (jumping under her desk and covering herself with her hands) What in the purple blazes was that?

Seamus (delivering his only line in this whole story with great dignity): I don't know, Professor Kain, maybe you should go check.

Vivian: Me? Go check? I can't even make macaroni and cheese and you want me to investigate strange noises coming from the other end of my classroom? Just what kind of drugs are you on, Mr. Finnegan, and where can I get some?

(This is a joke. Drugs are bad. On with the story.)

Ron: (eagerly) I'll go check for you, Professor Kain!

Vivian: (smiling) Oh, you can call me Vivian, you brave little boy!

Hermione: Vivian, I have a question…..

Vivian: YOU can't call me Vivian, you little butthead. Only Ron.

(Viv bats her eyes at Ron as he retreats to the corner of the room to investigate the noise. Ron returns soon, holding and object with paper attached.)

Ron: You're window's broken, Vivian. Someone threw this note attached to a brick through it!

Vivian: Now why would anyone do that? I don't need any bricks, and there must be a less violent way to pass notes in my class.

Harry: (taking the brick in an attempt to steal the limelight from Ron) But the note's not for US, Professor Kain…..it's for you!

Vivian: (looking flattered) My word, for me? Well, what does it say?

Hermione: (reading over Harry's shoulder) It says "u r sick. End of story." It's signed "A reviewer who obviously doesn't get out much."

Vivian: (sighing) Oh yes, I remember now. I just don't understand some people.

(Me neither. I think we're brilliant!)

Vivian: Well everyone, I don't think we're going to continue class today. I'm going to go ask Mr. Tim to help me with a nice long sponge bath and then Professor McGonagall is coming over to do manicures and Professor Trelawney is going to tell our fortunes! (Giggles like a Catholic School Girl in a Britney Spears video) It's gonna be the best slumber party ever!

Harry: (looking confused because, if you'll remember, he and Draco have a little "appointment") Is Marilyn going to your sleepover tonight?

Vivian: No no, she told me she was going to be "making a sandwich" or something. Anyway, I think I ought to warn you all not to come looking for me tonight. I'm sure none of you want to see a bunch of girls with pigtails and see-through pajamas discussing boys.

(Every pair of male eyes are on Vivian now, but she appears not to notice.)

Ron: (nearly choking on his words) And just, um, where will this little, um, "party" be taking place?

Vivian: In my rooms silly! But it's top secret, no one knows that they're off the third floor behind the statue of Simon the Sexy and down a long corridor to the right. (ditzy smile)

Ron: OOOOOH….right! (winks)

Hermione: (grumpily) Something in your eye dear?

Harry: Are you a giraffe?

Ron: Oh for gosh sakes go watch "Tied and Tethered" with Kate you perverted weirdo!

(Sorry about that…..go see "Birthday Girl" if you want to know what the heck I was talking about with those last two lines.)

Harry: (happily) No can do. Kate will just have to chill alone tonight, cuz I have a date with my Potions teacher and my archenemy!

Ron: Oooooh, you really need to get laid.