**Faithful fans, I beseech you. A depressing lack of reviews for our collaboration story "Play Things" has left both my comrade Marilyn Stabs and myself a bit unsettled. In the name of all things naughty, please take a gander at that story, and also others the two of us have pumped out at various intervals. Thank you loyal readers, and on with the show!**

(While all the rest of the castle is nestled all snug in their beds, visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, a few naughty students creep around the school. Bashing into furniture and wandering through deserted corridors, these brave few soldier on in the pursuit of something great: a free peep show.)

Ron: (whispering) Which way did she say we had to go?

Neville: (clasping Trevor to his heart and bursting into tears) I don't know! All I want is to see some skin! I never asked for this torment!

(Neville throws himself dramatically to the floor, weeping and claiming that he didn't deserve such noble friends. Ron kicks him down a flight of stairs and turns back to the others, Seamus, Dean, Hermione, Ginny, and Harry.)

Ron: Okay men. You all have your missions!

Hermione: I'm not a man! I'm not even part of this group! Ginny and I are going to the library to do some studying, remember?

Ron: (looking puzzled) You're not a man?

Harry: (lowering his voice to a whisper as well) Alright guys, I'm going to meet Draco and Marilyn now. Let me know if you ever find that slumber party!

Ginny: Harry, I'll come with you because I'm sadly, pathetically in love with you even though you never pay any attention to me and I would give my life for you even though you won't remember my name in a day or so!

Harry: (looking confused) Alright Jenny, if you want to come that bad, let's go!

(Ginny, grinning happily, runs to catch up with Harry as Hermione flounces off in a huff to the library and the boys continue their midnight quest for bootylicious babes. I think it's about time Hermione had a chapter to herself, so I'll leave the rowdy slumber party and the secret meeting for later additions.)

Hermione: (to herself as she reaches the library double doors) Stupid boys! Why do I always have to be the one to knock some sense into everyone!

(Suddenly, a disembodied voice comes from nowhere just as lightening streaks down from the clouds outside.)

Voice: Because Hermione, it is your DESTINY!

Hermione: Who is that? What's going on!?

Voice: Hermione, this is the voice of God!

Hermione: REALLY?!

Voice: (Dr. Evil inflection) No. Not really. I can't back that up.

(From behind the shelves of books emerges a tall, hooded figure. The figure glides up to Hermione and places an arm about her shoulders, guiding her further into the library.)

Hermione: (looking up at the shadowed face of her companion) Well, if your not God, who are you?

(The Voice becomes suddenly breathy and wheezing.)

Voice: Hermione…..I am your….

Hermione: Don't pull this star wars shit on me compadre! I know you're not my father!

Voice: Actually, I was going to say I'm your parents' milkman. But I very well could be your father, now that you mention it.

(The Voice removes its shroud, revealing the handsome face of a man with long, blond hair and eyes like watered down chocolate milk. He smiled at Hermione and she nearly melted.)

Thomas: My name is Thomas. I'm looking for a certain Ms. Stabs. I heard she has become a teacher here at this marvelous school. Could you tell me where to find her?

(Before Hermione can answer, a second figure comes crashing through the outrageously expensive stained glass window above a low bookcase. This figure skids across the carpet, knocking Thomas and Hermione to the ground.)

Figure #2: (In a whiny, whimpering voice, rubbing his bum bum) Owwww! Rug burn!

Thomas: (Grabbing the second figure's arm and hissing) Do you want to get us caught you dunderhead? Now, take off that mask!

(The second figure pulls off his ski mask to reveal a handsome face with rather small eyes that looked like a blueberry Popsicle melting into a puddle on the sidewalk during a hot summer day. He flings his head this way and that as though to shake out his hair, although the stiff blond spike refuse to budge and stay perfectly intact despite the ski mask.)

Hermione: Uh, can I help you?

Hans: (Austrian accent) My name is Hans, jah. I am looking for Miss Vivian? You have seen her, no?

Hermione: I have seen her YES. But why are you two here? Are you muggles?

Hans: What is muggle?

Thomas: I'll explain it to you later, Hans. (Directing his attention to Hermione) We're here to reclaim what the magical world has stolen from us. The most desirable women in the world will be ours once again!

(Hans smiles appreciatively and nods.)

Thomas: Hans, what are you wearing?

Hans: (Looks down at outfit, which consists of a teensy little jumper with short shorts and straps.) This is Austrian yodeling uniform. Very, sexy yes? (Click wooden shoes together.)

Thomas: (slaps forehead) How did you rope me into this Hans?

Hans: (Looking at Hermione again) You show us where Vivian and Marilyn are yes?

Hermione: (smiling slyly) Well, two dashing blond haired men just broke through the window of the school library and you expect me to just lead you to your women-folk without asking anything in return?

Thomas: (Grimly) What is it you want?

Hermione: Oh, I just have one question……can I touch it?

Thomas: (sighing and unzipping his spants) Okay, just one time….

Hermione: No, no, not that!

Thomas: Then what?

Hermione: Your hair silly! What kind of girl do you think I am?

Hans: SLUT! (smiles proudly)

**********2 HOURS LATER**********

Thomas: Oh my Gob I'm gorgeous!

Hans: I am sexy, no?

(Both men are standing in front of the full-length mirror in Hermione's dormitory, admiring their new looks. Hermione has managed to wind Thomas's long blond hair into a bun at the crown of his head. She left a few strands loose and has braided them. Hans's hair is still spiky, but now he sports black eyeliner, a spiked dog collar, a see-through mesh shirt, and baggy jeans.)

Hermione: (Beaming) So you guys like it? I'm so glad you let me try out my ideas on you! I want to be a beautician you know!

(Hans eyes Hermione's hair and opens his mouth, but Thomas claps a hand over his friend's mouth.)

Thomas: What a wonderful dream! (Giggles) And you've done a great job! How delightful that you caught us in the library!

Hermione: (Nodding) Yep, it must be my LUCKY DAY!