(::Narrator has uncontrollable laughing fit for several minutes, rolling around on the floor and giggling:: You were all excited, weren't you? You thought that Ron, Seamus, Dean, and Krum were going to pull back the curtain and find hot women covered in baby oil, right? Not today my faithful readers! Oh no, now is the time to introduce everyone's favorite villain. The one, the only, the invincible, LORD VOLDEMORT! ::Audience is silent…grasshoppers chirp:: Well anyway…on with the show!)

(It was a dark and stormy night. Lightening flashed as thunder crashed over the dilapidated tiki hut. Inside, a sinister figure sat, reading quietly. And suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door. And then it fell in.)

Figure: Dammit, I hate this drafty old barn! I thought the Riddle Vacation Home in Tahiti would be a perfect place to formulate my plan to destroy Harry Potter, but I guess I was wrong! (Sits back down in a huff, causing dust to rise from the old armchair.)

(The person outside pushes the collapsed door aside and steps over it into the room. He is a squatty little man with shifty eyes and a nervous demeanor. He moves to stand in front of the sinister figure.)

Figure: (High pitched and raspy voice) Did you bring me something off which to feed, Wormtail? I need to gather my strength for the upcoming assault on Harry Potter.

Wormtail: (Holding up bag) Yes, my lord. Two cheeseburgers, a large order of fries, and a diet coke, just as you requested. And um, sir? Could I ask you a favor?

Figure: (Sighs) If this is about getting the porn channels on the television, I TOLD you before…

Wormtail: No, no, it's not about that it's just…I was thinking. Is all this "My Lord" stuff really necessary when we're alone and all? The only one who can hear us is Nagini, and it's not like she cares. Couldn't I call you Tom? Or maybe Voldemort? Or, if you feel comfortable, would it be okay if I called you Voldie or Morty?

Figure (aka "Voldie"): You frickin' retard! How could you ever think that you could address me in a such a way! You're so embarrassing, this is like that time that you took me to the zoo and made me wear the balloon hat that clown gave me!

Wormtail: Awwww come on Voldie, you looked so cute! And that was such a happy day. We were celebrating the capture of Bertha Jorkins, remember?

(Wormtail crosses to the dusty old mantle and takes down a silver heart-shaped frame. The picture is of a wisp of vapor with red eyes wearing a balloon hat and holding a bag of cotton candy.)

Wormtail: (wiping his eyes) Good times, Voldie, good times.

Voldie: Oh shut up you little prat! You have to help me plot our next move against Harry Potter and that ancient pervert, Albus Dumbledore.

Wormtail: Pervert?

Voldie: Oh yes, there was a quite the Playboy scandal a few years back when they found that missing model hiding in his closet, but the Ministry of Magic managed to cover it up fairly well, unfortunately. (Grumbles) Why does everyone always like him better than me? And why can I never manage to kill that infernal midget?

Wormtail: (Speaking as music begins to play in the background) Now NOW Lord Voldemort! There's no one quite like you anywhere in the world! You're more feared than any other wizard in Britain. Don't give up on world domination now! Cheer up Voldie, and always remember (sings) You gotta have HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEART! Miles and miles and miles of heart! When the odds are sayin' you'll never win, that's when the grin should start! You gotta have heeeeeeeeeart!

Voldie: (Tears coming to his eyes) Damn Yankees! My favorite musical! Oh Wormtail, you're the best henchman an evil wizard could ever have!

(They embrace as the music continues to play in the background, Voldie sniffling in happiness every once in awhile. Finally, they break apart and Voldie looks serious.)

Voldie: Alright, Wormtail. Bring me my "Diabolical Plan" utensils and we'll get started.

Wormtail: ACCIO pink bunny slippers, cookies, milk, parchment, purple plumed feather quill, flowered night gown, cat, and pinky ring!

(The objects zoom to Voldemort's side and he settles himself in to hatch his evil plan. He slips the pinky ring on his finger and practices the "Dr Evil Finger" several times to make sure he has it right. He strokes his black devil cat, Crackshonks, delicately as he thinks intently.)

Voldie: Have my spies already infiltrated the school?

Wormtail: Which spies?

Voldie: The ones I sent!

Wormtail: Well, which ones did you send? There's a pair of males and a pair of females wandering around the school and I don't know which ones are our spies and which ones are Aurors!

Voldie: Nevermind that, Wormtail, you've answered my question. Have the spies returned any information on Harry Potter?

Wormtail: Well, we did get this email…(thumbs through sheaf of papers on desk) AHAH! According to this exclusive and intimate information, Harry Potter "has dark green eyes tinged with blue, and a smile that could melt your heart in an instant. His sleek hair falls across his forehead in an ebony waterfall, brushing that fantastic scar, and emblem of intense power and a passion…"

Voldie: Gob in a bucket, is this a report or soft porn? I guess I'll just have to find out about Harry Potter myself. Wormtail, pack my overnight bag and iron my good traveling dress. We're going to Hogwarts!