Author's note:
Finally it's here! Sorry I've been so lazy lately, and FF.Net was acting kinda weird so I couldn't update it earlier. Love ya, and let me know what you think, okay? :)
TWO: THAT CRAZY ASSED WILL
"Your dad's lawyer?" Lorelai frowned in confusion. She knew that lawyers were generally disliked, but she didn't get why one phone call would leave Luke stark raving mad. "Am I sensing an Ally McBeal moment coming up soon?"
"What?"
"Never mind. Continue."
"That was my father's lawyer, Fergusan McNeil," Luke spat out the words venomously. "Apparently calling me to remind me of a certain clause in the will that I may or may not have overlooked over the past ten years or so. What kind of name is Fergusan McNeil anyway? What kind of crazy-assed drugs were his hippie parents hooked on when they named him?"
"Okay," Lorelai put her hand on the counter and tried to interject before Luke could carry on with one of his never-ending rants. "Not overlooking the fact that I'm deeply troubled you said 'crazy-assed', but… what clause are you talking about?"
"It's stupid."
"It's not like that Tim Allen movie where you have to be Santa Claus forever, right?"
"What?"
"Tim Allen had to be Santa Claus after he knocked the real one of his roof. But the thing is he wasn't really exp…"
"What type of crazy-assed movie is that?"
"And there we go with the crazy ass again," said Lorelai. "Luke, what's wrong? The last time I saw you this upset was when you discovered flannel wasn't the in thing anymore, and that was eight years ago."
"I'm sorry," Luke sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, choosing instead to sigh loudly. After a while, he looked up and ran his hands over his face quickly. "I just can't believe I forgot about it. There's got to be some way around this."
"Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out, so who was left? Repeat. So I will. One more time : What clause? And don't you say 'crazy-assed' again or I'll bitch slap you."
Luke looked at Lorelai like she went insane, but made the mental decision that she probably always looked like that, he just didn't notice it before. "When my father died, his will said I would inherit his hardware store."
"Wow. I must say, I am surprised. I did not expect that," Lorelai scoffed. "Skip the intro and get to the good part."
"… but, if I were not married by the end of such-and-such year, I would lose it."
"Oh," Lorelai was stunned. "Married? As in married married? As in to a woman, married? That type of married?"
"No. Married as in a one-time non-committal gay relationship. Of course that's what it means."
"No need to get snippy, Lucas," said Lorelai. She flipped her hair back absent-mindedly as she tried to figure out a possible solution to Luke's problem. "And you just forgot about this clause?"
"It was ages ago," Luke tried to defend himself. "I don't know… I didn't think about it because I… I thought I would be married by now and it wouldn't make a difference. I was still seeing Rachel and I thought things were going … argh, I can't believe I just let this happen."
Lorelai listened, but when she was done she suddenly slammed her fist on the counter. "I've got it!"
Everyone at the diner looked at Lorelai out of curiousity. Rory stared at her mother from where she was sitting – wondering what Lorelai was up to this time. Luke took a step back, surprised at her sudden outburst. "Jesus, Lorelai, could you -"
"Contest the will! It's a brilliant plan, I've seen it on TV, and it's very dramatic. You get to be angry and there's a lawyer there and stuff. It's very authentic."
"Thanks for the legal advice, Johnny Cochran, but I can't. Another clause of the will says that if I do anything of that sort, I lose all the inheritance."
"Oh, crap," Lorelai frowned. She knew that the diner was the one thing Luke loved in this town, and it was possibly the one thing he needed to keep him sane. It was his world, and if that were taken away from him she wouldn't know what he'd do. "So what happens if you lose the diner?"
"It goes to Liz, I guess," Luke shrugged his shoulders, trying not to think of that possibility.
"Well, that's not so bad," said Lorelai, putting her hand on his arm. Luke pretended not to notice that her skin was soft and cool to the touch. He nonchalantly shifted his arm from under her hand and absent-mindedly twirled a nearby cup on the counter. "So the ownership will just transfer from you to Liz – nothing else needs to change."
"You don't know my sister, Lorelai," Luke put the cup aside. "The minute she finds out this place is hers, she'll sell it and buy something stupid that will only last her for six months, and then she'll be broke, and I'll be broke, only I'll be slightly worse off because I'll be broke *and* homeless. She never liked this place, not when my father was running it, and not now."
"Wow," Lorelai absorbed all this information slowly. "Well, I guess there's really only one thing left for you to do."
"And what's that? And please let this be something you didn't learn during prime time."
"Don't mock me, or I'll play the Star Trek card, Trekkie," Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter top. "If the clause says you need to get married, well then, frankly, all you need to do is get married. Easy as pie. Easy as cake. Easy as cake and pie."
"Oh, wow, you've really solved my problem now, thanks," Luke replied sarcastically. "Now why don't you go find out what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa, because I'm sure they could really use your keen problem-solving skills."
"Whoa, error, error, sarcasm overload," Lorelai replied in a robotic voice. "Come on, the solution is obvious."
"Okay, Sherlock," Luke folded his arms and leaned towards her, "Let's say I follow your great plan. Who am I going to marry? Miss Patty?"
"You know she is looking for a new hus…"
"Lorelai!"
"Okay, I admit, I don't know who you should marry," said Lorelai. "How long do you have, anyways?"
"Two months."
"Well, that's enough time. You put out a small personal ad, one that says 'Lumberjack Lookalike Seeks Sham Wife To Maintain Ownership of Inherited Diner'."
"You're just brimming with great ideas aren't you?" Luke said. "And I can't get a sham wife. Because the will says if I get married just to keep the store, it gets revoked anyways."
"Oh, blah blah, how would they know?"
"I don't know. Maybe there's something there which says Fergusan McNeil," Luke frowned the moment he said the name, "or whoever, can exercise discretion as to whether or not the marriage is… I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Do I look like a lawyer to you?"
"You look like an extra from Sweet Home Alabama."
"Not helping, Lorelai."
"Fine. So you can't take out an ad for a sham wife. Two months is ample time to get to know someone, start a relationship, fall in love, get married. I know… I just saw 'Will and Grace'."
"Will you stop giving me advice directly from your television set?" Luke sighed. "You know what, forget it. I'll just lose the stinking diner, become homeless, maybe get a job at Walmart, get Jess as a co-worker. And maybe after that I can hang myself."
"Oh, come on, Luke," Lorelai gently nudged him with her index finger. "You're a great guy. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are already in love with you… what with that baseball cap that hides that wild, hazel hair of yours… and that flannel shirt that covers the mass of muscles you must have acquired from flipping burgers. How can any woman resist you? Snap your fingers, they'll come running."
"Hah."
"Hey, Anna Nicole Smith got that old guy just like that, didn't she? I have complete faith that you'll be able to do the same."
"Thanks for the comparison to a gold-digging nympho, but I can't. I mean, marrying someone just so I can keep the diner seems…wrong. It's not the way how I imagined… it's… never mind."
"It's not how you imagined what?"
"Never mind, Lorelai."
"Imagined what?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Forget it."
"What, what, what?"
"Will you stop that?"
"No. Imagined what?"
"It's not the way I imagined it," Luke said, finally caving in. "I thought… that if I got married… it would be because I love someone. It wouldn't be fair to her if we got married because she loved me but I love the diner. Okay? Satisfied? Go ahead, make fun of me. I know you're dying to."
"I won't make fun," said Lorelai. "It's actually kind of sweet."
"I think I like it better if you make fun of me."
Rory walked up to them. "I hate to rush you two, but I'm pretty much going to start eating one of my textbooks soon."
"Why?" asked Lorelai.
"Because they're high on fiber," said Rory. "Because I'm hungry – what else could I have meant?"
"Your breakfast is coming right up," said Luke, giving Lorelai a half-smile as he turned and walked into the kitchen.
Rory looked at Luke go, waiting patiently for her breakfast to arrive. She turned to her mom. "So, what was that all about anyways?"
* * to be continued * *
Finally it's here! Sorry I've been so lazy lately, and FF.Net was acting kinda weird so I couldn't update it earlier. Love ya, and let me know what you think, okay? :)
TWO: THAT CRAZY ASSED WILL
"Your dad's lawyer?" Lorelai frowned in confusion. She knew that lawyers were generally disliked, but she didn't get why one phone call would leave Luke stark raving mad. "Am I sensing an Ally McBeal moment coming up soon?"
"What?"
"Never mind. Continue."
"That was my father's lawyer, Fergusan McNeil," Luke spat out the words venomously. "Apparently calling me to remind me of a certain clause in the will that I may or may not have overlooked over the past ten years or so. What kind of name is Fergusan McNeil anyway? What kind of crazy-assed drugs were his hippie parents hooked on when they named him?"
"Okay," Lorelai put her hand on the counter and tried to interject before Luke could carry on with one of his never-ending rants. "Not overlooking the fact that I'm deeply troubled you said 'crazy-assed', but… what clause are you talking about?"
"It's stupid."
"It's not like that Tim Allen movie where you have to be Santa Claus forever, right?"
"What?"
"Tim Allen had to be Santa Claus after he knocked the real one of his roof. But the thing is he wasn't really exp…"
"What type of crazy-assed movie is that?"
"And there we go with the crazy ass again," said Lorelai. "Luke, what's wrong? The last time I saw you this upset was when you discovered flannel wasn't the in thing anymore, and that was eight years ago."
"I'm sorry," Luke sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, choosing instead to sigh loudly. After a while, he looked up and ran his hands over his face quickly. "I just can't believe I forgot about it. There's got to be some way around this."
"Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out, so who was left? Repeat. So I will. One more time : What clause? And don't you say 'crazy-assed' again or I'll bitch slap you."
Luke looked at Lorelai like she went insane, but made the mental decision that she probably always looked like that, he just didn't notice it before. "When my father died, his will said I would inherit his hardware store."
"Wow. I must say, I am surprised. I did not expect that," Lorelai scoffed. "Skip the intro and get to the good part."
"… but, if I were not married by the end of such-and-such year, I would lose it."
"Oh," Lorelai was stunned. "Married? As in married married? As in to a woman, married? That type of married?"
"No. Married as in a one-time non-committal gay relationship. Of course that's what it means."
"No need to get snippy, Lucas," said Lorelai. She flipped her hair back absent-mindedly as she tried to figure out a possible solution to Luke's problem. "And you just forgot about this clause?"
"It was ages ago," Luke tried to defend himself. "I don't know… I didn't think about it because I… I thought I would be married by now and it wouldn't make a difference. I was still seeing Rachel and I thought things were going … argh, I can't believe I just let this happen."
Lorelai listened, but when she was done she suddenly slammed her fist on the counter. "I've got it!"
Everyone at the diner looked at Lorelai out of curiousity. Rory stared at her mother from where she was sitting – wondering what Lorelai was up to this time. Luke took a step back, surprised at her sudden outburst. "Jesus, Lorelai, could you -"
"Contest the will! It's a brilliant plan, I've seen it on TV, and it's very dramatic. You get to be angry and there's a lawyer there and stuff. It's very authentic."
"Thanks for the legal advice, Johnny Cochran, but I can't. Another clause of the will says that if I do anything of that sort, I lose all the inheritance."
"Oh, crap," Lorelai frowned. She knew that the diner was the one thing Luke loved in this town, and it was possibly the one thing he needed to keep him sane. It was his world, and if that were taken away from him she wouldn't know what he'd do. "So what happens if you lose the diner?"
"It goes to Liz, I guess," Luke shrugged his shoulders, trying not to think of that possibility.
"Well, that's not so bad," said Lorelai, putting her hand on his arm. Luke pretended not to notice that her skin was soft and cool to the touch. He nonchalantly shifted his arm from under her hand and absent-mindedly twirled a nearby cup on the counter. "So the ownership will just transfer from you to Liz – nothing else needs to change."
"You don't know my sister, Lorelai," Luke put the cup aside. "The minute she finds out this place is hers, she'll sell it and buy something stupid that will only last her for six months, and then she'll be broke, and I'll be broke, only I'll be slightly worse off because I'll be broke *and* homeless. She never liked this place, not when my father was running it, and not now."
"Wow," Lorelai absorbed all this information slowly. "Well, I guess there's really only one thing left for you to do."
"And what's that? And please let this be something you didn't learn during prime time."
"Don't mock me, or I'll play the Star Trek card, Trekkie," Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter top. "If the clause says you need to get married, well then, frankly, all you need to do is get married. Easy as pie. Easy as cake. Easy as cake and pie."
"Oh, wow, you've really solved my problem now, thanks," Luke replied sarcastically. "Now why don't you go find out what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa, because I'm sure they could really use your keen problem-solving skills."
"Whoa, error, error, sarcasm overload," Lorelai replied in a robotic voice. "Come on, the solution is obvious."
"Okay, Sherlock," Luke folded his arms and leaned towards her, "Let's say I follow your great plan. Who am I going to marry? Miss Patty?"
"You know she is looking for a new hus…"
"Lorelai!"
"Okay, I admit, I don't know who you should marry," said Lorelai. "How long do you have, anyways?"
"Two months."
"Well, that's enough time. You put out a small personal ad, one that says 'Lumberjack Lookalike Seeks Sham Wife To Maintain Ownership of Inherited Diner'."
"You're just brimming with great ideas aren't you?" Luke said. "And I can't get a sham wife. Because the will says if I get married just to keep the store, it gets revoked anyways."
"Oh, blah blah, how would they know?"
"I don't know. Maybe there's something there which says Fergusan McNeil," Luke frowned the moment he said the name, "or whoever, can exercise discretion as to whether or not the marriage is… I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Do I look like a lawyer to you?"
"You look like an extra from Sweet Home Alabama."
"Not helping, Lorelai."
"Fine. So you can't take out an ad for a sham wife. Two months is ample time to get to know someone, start a relationship, fall in love, get married. I know… I just saw 'Will and Grace'."
"Will you stop giving me advice directly from your television set?" Luke sighed. "You know what, forget it. I'll just lose the stinking diner, become homeless, maybe get a job at Walmart, get Jess as a co-worker. And maybe after that I can hang myself."
"Oh, come on, Luke," Lorelai gently nudged him with her index finger. "You're a great guy. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are already in love with you… what with that baseball cap that hides that wild, hazel hair of yours… and that flannel shirt that covers the mass of muscles you must have acquired from flipping burgers. How can any woman resist you? Snap your fingers, they'll come running."
"Hah."
"Hey, Anna Nicole Smith got that old guy just like that, didn't she? I have complete faith that you'll be able to do the same."
"Thanks for the comparison to a gold-digging nympho, but I can't. I mean, marrying someone just so I can keep the diner seems…wrong. It's not the way how I imagined… it's… never mind."
"It's not how you imagined what?"
"Never mind, Lorelai."
"Imagined what?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Forget it."
"What, what, what?"
"Will you stop that?"
"No. Imagined what?"
"It's not the way I imagined it," Luke said, finally caving in. "I thought… that if I got married… it would be because I love someone. It wouldn't be fair to her if we got married because she loved me but I love the diner. Okay? Satisfied? Go ahead, make fun of me. I know you're dying to."
"I won't make fun," said Lorelai. "It's actually kind of sweet."
"I think I like it better if you make fun of me."
Rory walked up to them. "I hate to rush you two, but I'm pretty much going to start eating one of my textbooks soon."
"Why?" asked Lorelai.
"Because they're high on fiber," said Rory. "Because I'm hungry – what else could I have meant?"
"Your breakfast is coming right up," said Luke, giving Lorelai a half-smile as he turned and walked into the kitchen.
Rory looked at Luke go, waiting patiently for her breakfast to arrive. She turned to her mom. "So, what was that all about anyways?"
* * to be continued * *
