PART THREE: MISS CRAZY USA 2003

"What was what about?" Lorelai asked, staring after Luke as she tried to figure a way to help her friend.

"Why was Luke all huffing and puffing and wanting to blow someone's house down? Who was that on the phone?" Rory said, as she plopped herself on the seat beside Lorelai.

"His lawyer. Well, okay, not so much his lawyer, but his father's lawyer."

"Big trouble brewing ahead?"

"Apparently so. Get this," Lorelai leaned closer to Rory and dropped her tone to a whisper. "If Luke doesn't get married soon, he's going to lose the diner."

"What?"

"Yeah, his father put that teeny little clause in his will before he went to sell screwdrivers in that big hardware store in the sky," Lorelai said.

"That's ridiculous," Rory said. "It sounds like a Chris O'Donnell movie."

"It does, but this is life. So you know what we have to do."

"Oh, we're getting involved in this?"

"Yes. We have to. It is our destiny," said Lorelai. "If God didn't want us to interfere, he wouldn't have put us here, at this very place at this very time. It is our calling. We're like nuns."

"Well this nun is going into retirement," Rory sighed, "All I want is my breakfast."

"You cannot honestly be sitting there and just thinking about breakfast," Lorelai said, "If Luke loses the diner, you'll never have breakfast ever again for the rest of your life."

"I really think you're blowing this out of proportion," said Rory, "All Luke needs is to flip open the yellow pages, get a lawyer, look over the will, and before you know it, the diner will be his again. Hey, if you meant interfering as in helping him dial, then I'm all for it. That's what you meant, right?"

"Actually," said Lorelai, "I was thinking we should actually help him find a wife."

"You're crazy."

"No, I'm not. Listen to me, it'll be fun," said Lorelai. "We can hold auditions and stuff. We can have a talent segment, and a question and answer round, and a special part where we get Luke to rant to her about red meat for ten minutes and the girl who flinches the least wins."

"What – no swimsuit competition?" Rory said in disbelief.

"Oh, that can be the tiebreaker round."

"What can be the tiebreaker round?" Luke said suddenly, appearing from the kitchen. He put Rory's plate of food in front of her. "Here's your breakfast."

"Thank you, sir," said Rory gratefully, as she began to eat.

"Rory and I were talking about the competition we're going to have for all the girls who want to marry you," said Lorelai.

"She was talking," said Rory, between bites, "I was mainly listening and disapproving."

"Listening, disapproving, agreeing, collaborating, blah blah, same difference," said Lorelai. "Anyways, we're thinking it could be something exciting, like 'Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire', only not so much a millionaire, but an introvert diner operator with limited social skills and a backward baseball cap. Taylor can host the whole thing."

"I'm glad you're taking my problem seriously," said Luke. "I think I'll just find a lawyer and see if he can look over the will. There has to be some loop hole somewhere."

"That's what I suggested," said Rory, "But Miss Crazy USA here wanted to hold a pageant."

"It's a scholarship program," said Lorelai, indignantly. She turned to Luke. "But didn't you say that if you contest the will you'll get cut off immediately?"

"Well, I figure it's worth the risk," said Luke. "There's no way I'm going to let this place just slip out of my hands. I have to do something. It's either this or get married. And before you say anything – don't."

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"I know you, and you were definitely going to say something."

"Well, I wasn't. You don't know me at all."

"If I didn't stop you, you would have said something."

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you do. You get that look on your face every time you want to butt in."

"Well, you have a look on your face every time somebody wants to say *anything*. It looks like you spent the whole day sucking lemons."
"What?"

"Anyways, I wasn't going to say anything," said Lorelai. "I was just about to suggest…"

"No, thanks. Here, have some coffee, drink it, leave, carry on with your life." Luke poured her a cup of coffee and pushed it in front of her.

"Ooh, cheap distraction tactic," said Lorelai, as she reached out to her cup greedily and gulped down her coffee. "But it's only going to delay me for ten seconds."

Luke stared at her drinking her coffee. "How can you drink it that fast?"

"It's a skill – like tap dancing, or mind reading," Lorelai put her empty cup on the counter. "Now, I was going to suggest, that maybe, instead of running the risk of losing the diner by having some lawyer sniff around your father's will, you should just, you know… look around."

"For your sanity?"

"Haha. No, I mean, you should look around. For someone, that you might possibly, maybe, want to, hopefully, down the line, might want to include in your future as a possible long term romantic partner."

"What?" Luke put his hands on the counter and leaned forward.

"Well, it's only a suggestion," said Lorelai, "I mean, you're probably reaching that age when you don't want to spend the rest of your life flipping burgers, living with your juvenile delinquent nephew, in that apartment all by yourself with no one to love. I mean, right now, I would kill myself first, if it were me."

"Thanks for the morale booster."

"I'm only saying," Lorelai explained, "That you're probably going to get married sometime in the future anyway, so what's wrong with starting to look for 'The One' right now? Is there no greater driving force for love than a technical clause in a will that might possibly strip you off your livelihood?"

"You should write poems," said Luke sarcastically. "And whether or not I want to get married, and when I want to get married, and when I do get married, is none of your business, thank you."

"Come on Luke, everybody wants to get married," said Lorelai. "All I'm saying is – if the circumstances right now make it necessary, there's no harm in trying to find your soul mate, right here, right now."

"Oh, sure, there's no way this plan is going to go wrong," said Rory quietly from where she was sitting.

"No, Lorelai," Luke said sternly, "I'm not going to go around looking for some woman to marry just because I have to. I told you this before."

"I'm not saying just any woman …"

"It wouldn't be right," said Luke, "And if I do get married because of this clause, and I'm saying this as a hypothetical, it would have to be with someone who knows what she's getting into, and someone who's not expecting anything more than she should."

"I don't think that's going to be easy," said Lorelai, "I mean, where are you going to find such a person?"

"Well, luckily for me, it was just a hypothetical situation," Luke said. "Because really, I don't think I know anyone who would marry me, just so I can save the diner."

"Yeah," Lorelai nodded. "The person who would do something like that would probably have to be someone who knows what's going on with the will and everything."

"No unfair surprises."

"Yes," Lorelai nodded again, "And, to actually marry you – she would have to be a really good friend."

Luke nodded with her. "Tough luck. I think the only person that fits that description is you."

Lorelai laughed. "Haha! That would be a blast? Can you imagine? You and me married?"

Luke tried to shrug it off. "Erm, yeah. No thanks. I don't need the extra stress."

Lorelai laughed again, but after a few seconds, she stopped abruptly, as a strange thought entered her head.

* to be continued *