Chapter 5: Oh, The Insanity Of It All

'I'm hungry!'

'Yeah, me too!'

'Me three!' Rei said, waving a finger in the air and grinning at L'risia. Val folded his arms.

'You're a Dark Lord. A Mazoku. How can you be hungry for real food?'

'Well, excuse me.' Rei sniffed haughtily, throwing his nose into the air. 'Human emotions are real food, to us. And for your information I like eating human food!'

'So you're saying… you just like eating? So you only imagine that you're hungry?' Val said, a sweatdrop sliding down his forehead. He'd never imagined a Dark Lord like Rei. Mind you, Xelloss had, according to Lina, always liked ice cream. And cheesecake.

'You three are going to eat me out of house and home.' L'risia said, rummaging around in her bag for her wallet.

'You don't have a house.' Rei said. 'Or a home.'

'It's a saying.'

'Oh. Well, I'll pay this time if you like. It's not like I have a limited supply of money.' He added, opening his palm to revel handful of glistening gold coins. There was a small, awed silence on behalf of the children and a suspicious one of behalf of Val and L'risia.

'Is that real money?' L'risia asked, narrowing her eyes at Rei, who sweatdropped.

'It's not going to turn into lead in the morning, is it?' Val added, taking a coin and biting it. Sunlight danced off the coins, and Val's free hand blurred, yanking Rina out of the way. And arrow thudded into the ground where she had been standing.

'Eep-' Rina squeaked, her eyes wide. She flung her arms around Val's neck. 'I'm scared!'

'I wouldn't waste your energy, unless you feel like giving me a snack.' Rei said to the little girl, as the three of them automatically moved around the children, backs to the middle. 'They're only bandits.'

'Oh.' Rina and Roudy said, visibly relaxing. Their mother and father's stories about bandits had not exactly inspired fear and loathing. Rei raised an eyebrow at L'risia as he felt the children's fear ebb away.

'Strange children.' He said.

'Yeah, well… you did meet Lina and Gourry, didn't you?'

'Heh. Good point. All right you bastards come out!'

'…'

'Well, that was nice.' Val sighed, linking his fingers and pushing his palms outwards in a cat-like stretch.

'….' Rina and Roudy said again.

'L'risia! I wanted that big guy!' Rei wailed, his rabbit ears waving cutely in the wind as he tugged at her sleeve.

'Since I'm the weak female here, I think I should get first dibs.'

'WHO'S a weak female?!'

'Well, you're the most powerful one here Rei. Why do you want to beat up lowly humans?'

'Because it's fun!'

Val and L'risia swapped fed-up looks, and Val shrugged.

'And there you have the reasoning of a three-year-old Dark Lord. He probably hasn't got anything better to do with his time…'

'Hey!' Rei snarled, his rabbit ears disappearing. Before he and Val could get into another fight, the scenery began to blur. L'risia covered her mouth.

'I think I'm going to be sick-' she said, screwing her eyes shut as the scenery whizzed by.

'Are we moving or is the forest?' Val asked, bracing his feet automatically on the ground. Rina held tightly onto Roudy as the wind ripped through their hair.

'We are.' Rei said, his golden eyes glinting slightly. 'This is a strange spell… one made of mischief, from long ago.'

'What is it?' L'risia asked, still with her eyes closed. Her face was very pale as well.

'What's wrong with you?' Rei asked, before he explained.

'I get motion sickness really easily.' L'risia said, taking a seat on the ground. 'Well?'

'I won't explain to you how it works, but one of us must have crossed a certain checkpoint set up by the bandits. Once that happened the spell was triggered. The closest way to describe it would be the closest humans can get to teleporting without the aid of a Mazoku.'

'So where are we going?' Rina asked. 'Rei?'

'Probably the boss's place.'  Rei said, with a malicious grin. The scenery suddenly changed and then abruptly, they stopped moving. L'risia leaned on the edge of the fountain they had stopped by.

'L'ri?'

'I'll be all right.' The priestess murmured, sitting down on the stone edging. Val looked at Rei in time to see the boy's eyes soften slightly, and filed the information away for later investigation.

'A town square…' Rina murmured, looking around.

'Yeah, but why isn't anyone here?' Val said. 'This place isn't in ruins, ya know.'

Rei shut his eyes, and then opened them.

'Almost everyone in this town has gone north.'

'North?'

'North?'

'Why?'

'I don't know that. I'm not omniscient.' Rei sighed, patting Roudy on the head.

'Whassat mean?'

'…I'll tell you later. Anyway, they're all gathered I one place but as for the reason why, I have no idea. Maybe it's some kind of religious thing.'

'YOU'RE ABSOLUTLEY CORRECT!'

'…who the hell is that?' Val said, pointing to a definitely female figure on top of the roof. A large sweatdrop slid down L'risia's forehead.

'Oh great. Hopefully she'll slip and die.'

'L'risia!' Rina scolded.

'Well I'm sorry, but – oh Gods, now she's going to laugh-'

'OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!'

'…. Just kill me now.'

'It can be arranged.' Rei suggested, and winced when the older girl smacked the back of his head. 'I was joking, neechan…'

'Don't pull that cute act on me!'

'HEY!' the female figure yelled. Val looked up from where he was banging his head against a pole.

'Val, is that good for your head?' Roudy was asking, and winced when the wind generated from the irate scream ruffled his hair.

'DON'T IGNORE ME!'

'Okay.' L'risia said, a spell forming in her hand. Val sweatdropped.

'Er, L'risia, should you really just blast her out of the blue like-'

'FIREBALL!'

'EAGH!'

'-that?'

'All right! Go L'ri!' Rei cheered, whacking her on the bum.

'Rei!'

Rei stuck his tongue out at her and his thumbs in his ears.

'Gnaaaah!'

'Oh, wow, that's mature…'

'Shaddup.'

Val poked the charred body on the ground with his foot as L'risia and Rei wandered over.

'Is she… alive?' Roudy asked.

'…dunno.' Rina said, poking the girl with her finger.

'L'risia, why'd you blast her like that?' Roudy asked. L'risia held up a finger.

'Roudy, Rina, here is an important lesson. When a female figure appears silhouetted against the heavens, perched on something high and announces something in a horrible, high-pitched all-too-loud voice… death is too good for them.'

'Gck- L'risia….you're scaring me…' Roudy whimpered, as the pupils blanked out in L'risia's grey eyes, and they shimmered silver. L'risia laughed, the black background she had summoned disappeared.

'Maa, maa- joking, joking.'

'Oh, good.' Roudy and Rina breathed, looking back at the charred girl. Val looked at L'risia sideways.

'…I don't think you were.'

L'risia smirked at him, and looked at Rei as he crouched down to examine the girls' features.

'What?' L'risia also looked at the girl's face. 'Wait a moment… that hairstyle…'

Sausage curls. The barely decent outfit that looked like something you would find in a lingerie shop that was hidden in a dark alley somewhere. The badge on it.

'L'ri, her badge… it's on the pattern around the fountain, too.' Val said, pointing.

'You're right.' Rei said, narrowing his eyes. 'And that emblem is engraved on every door here, too.'

'Creepy.' L'risia muttered.

'So we're dealing with religious nuts.' Rei said. He glanced at L'risia. 'Do you know something, L'risia?'

'Uh, well, y'see…' L'risia said, looking at the burnt girl again, who was beginning to twitch. 'That emblem… is for Zoamelgustar…and…I think this is Martina's…daughter.'

'A made-up Mazoku?' Rei blinked, and burst out laughing. Everyone except the newcomer sweatdropped.

'Ignore him.' Val said eventually, looking at the girl Rei had cheerfully tied up to a tree before anyone else knew what was happening. As soon as she'd woken up she'd given them the full speech, telling them almost everything a kidnapper would want to confirm, i.e. identity, address, who they could blackmail into getting loads of money. Then L'risia had grabbed the girl's nose and Val and calmly put an apple into her open mouth, smiling as he did so.

'So she's the princess..'

' "Rebecca Zere Il Navritilova Zoana".' L'risia added.

'Yeah, that too.' Val took the apple out of Princess Rebecca's mouth. 'So what were you doing out here when everyone is somewhere else, your highness?'

Rebecca's cheeks grew flushed.

'Um, well…' The girl got a grip on herself. L'risia absently noted that was quite an achievement for someone related to Martina and within ten centimetres of Val.

'I came to punish those who would interfere with my bandit gang!'

'…your bandit gang?' Val repeated. Rei snapped his fingers.

'Oh, I see! I heard that in some countries, in order to preserve the tourist trade, it's been decided to make a deal with bandits. Usually this means that the bandits are given money in exchange for only targeting a certain quota of travellers.'

'A quota for muggings…' L'risia muttered. 'What next?'

'He's almost right.' Rebecca winked. L'risia sweatdropped as a little love heart danced off the girl's lips and popped a few seconds later. 'However, I formed that bandit gang myself!'

'Y-You did?' Roudy gawped.

'Why?' his sister demanded. Rebecca turned red and poked her fingers together.

'Er, well, y'see, I-'

'Oh no.' L'risia said, blue lines appearing on her forehead. 'Let me guess. You said they could keep the money and you'd keep the cute guys, didn't you.'

'Wh- how did you know?!'

'…let's just say… it was an educated guess.'

'Are you okay? You look kind of depressed…'

'If this girl's mind doesn't get you depressed Val, there is no hope for you.'

'Hey-' Val blinked as Rebecca latched herself onto his arm, her eyes sparkling at her cheeks flushed. 'Um-'

'Val-sama! I'll follow you wherever you go!'

Rina poked L'risia.

'Neechan, I thought you said she was gonna keep the guys? But she's acting more like a slave.'

'Yeah, well, watch this.' L'risia said, standing up and leaning on Val's shoulder, her eyes softening to a catlike stare. 'I'm sorry, Princess, but we're on an important mission right now, so you can't follow us…'

'L'ri?' Val managed. L'risia managed to duck Rebecca's wild slap and sighed.

'You see, Rina? Insane fangirlism. Remember this and never become like her.'

'Hai!' Rina said, saluting smartly.

'L'risia…you did that… just to make a point?' Val asked, trying to clear the memory of hot raspberry breath in his ear.

'Yeah, what of it?'

'Nothing.' Val muttered. L'risia stepped on Rebecca's head to prevent her from getting out of the dirt.

'Anyway…' Rei said, having covered from another fit of hysterical laughter. 'We shouldn't waste this opportunity.'

'What opportun-'

'To tie her up and charge her parents a fortune in ransom!' Rei grinned, throwing the victory sign. Everyone else face-faulted.

'Rei-niichan…' Rina mumbled. Suddenly Rei blinked.

'Neechan, look out!' he shouted.

'What-AH!'

Val's eyes widened as L'risia's blood spattered his shirt. The girl hit the ground, wincing. Rina and Roudy stared in stunned horror at the bloody wound along the girl's back.

'L'ris-' Roudy stammered.

'I'm… all right…' L'risia mumbled. Val glanced at Rei, who was biting his lip as he looked around.

'Rei, what was that?'

'I don't know..' the boy mumbled, and then got a hold of himself. 'Val, take the Gabriev children and the princess away from here!'

'But-'

I said do it NOW!

Rei's eyes glowed brilliant gold and blanked out. Val felt the command soak into his brain and control his muscles, so much that he was out of the forest with the children before he realised what he was doing.

'What the hell was-' he muttered.

'Val-sama!' Rebecca wailed from at his feet. 'You didn't have to be so rough!'

'Huh? I picked you up?'

'L'risia, L'risia!'

'Rei… you're hurting me…'

Rei breathed out, smiling weakly as L'risia half-pulled herself up.

'You had me worried, neechan…'

'Heh…I wouldn't let anyone else…'L'risia winced. '..hear you say that…'

'Yeah, well… Ol' Shabby told me that as well.'

Rei and L'risia grinned at each other.

'Change.' Rei said worriedly, as L'risia winced again. 'I put up a barrier, put it's breaking through, somehow…'

'Change?'

'To your true form…or Death.' Rei said, his eyes glinting. 'You can't kill Death, after all.'

'Heh…true…' L'risia said, gritting her teeth. Dark shadow whipped around her and when it disappeared, nothing could be seen of the entity of L'risia. The being known as Death dug the end of it's scythe into the ground and pushed itself up. A gloved hand adjusted the hood slightly.

Apparently it wishes to finish us off here.

'Perhaps.' Rei said. 'But why now, when we're at full strength?'

Almost.

'Well, yeah, there is that.'

You're right, something about this does not fit.

'Of course I'm righ-' Rei broke off suddenly.

Rei?

The boy's teeth grit. His eyes began to flicker colours, swapping between gold and red.

Rei-

'GET OUT!' Rei screamed. Death braced herself as dark power exploded out from the boy, knocking her to her knees and turning the trees around them into powder. Not far away, Val, the children and Rebecca were hurled onto the ground.

'What… the hell…' Val muttered, when it was over. 'That power- Rei. You guys stay here!'

'Niichan!'

'Val-sama!'

Val disappeared into the forest.

'Val-sama…'

'Oi, princess.' Roudy said, tapping her arm. 'How can you love Val if you've known him for five minutes?'

Rina sweatdropped as Rebecca's eyes began to sparkle and the background changed to pink flowers.

'Now you've done it…'

'Let me explain, children, about love at first sight! When I first saw Val-sama…'

Death caught Rei as he fell forward.

'Chi..chikusho….'

Rei?

'He's out. It.' Rei muttered, wiping his forehead as Death let him go. 'I need to talk to you about that.'

Is he still around?

'Yeah, somewhere-' a bead of sweat trickled down Rei's cheek. 'But it's strange, it's like… he's not on the astral plane, but somewhere else… not in this reality where our powers can't reach.

Really…

Rei blinked.

'Now he's gone. I can't feel him anymore.'

Huh?

'L'ri! Rei!' Val skidded into the clearing. Death's image flickered, and L'risia caught herself on her hands as the pain of her wound came back. 'Are you both okay? We got knocked flat by this power-'

'Ah, that was me.' Rei said, quickly wiping the sweat off his face and smiling a cheerful smile once again. 'Did it trouble you, Val-chan?'

' "-chan"?' Val repeated, a vein twitching in his forehead as he helped L'risia up. 'Now look here, kid-'

'They're back!' Rina beamed, as the trio came out of the clearing.

'Val-sama!' Rebecca sighed, but her smile faded. Val and Rei were still arguing, but Val had given up on helping L'risia to walk, since the wound on her back stretched from her shoulder to her hip, effectively preventing almost any movement. So the dragon had picked her up and was giving her a piggy-back ride. L'risia's head was resting on her arms, looped around his neck.

'Val…sama?'

'L'risia!' Roudy wailed, skidding to Val's feet. 'Val, is she-'

'She's fine, just resting.' Val smiled.

'Yeah, she's just had it rough lately.' Rei said, as Rina and Rebecca joined them. 'Getting a bad wound like that gives her body an excuse to rest without her brain interfering.'

'That's a good way of putting it.' Val admitted.

'Thankyou. Cast a spell on her already; you can't keep her injured just for your own selfish pleasure, you know.' the boy added, apparently out of nowhere.

'W-wait a minute!' Val began, and then froze, just as Rei had. A spinning black hole in space rapidly widened behind the boy.

'Oh shi-' Val managed, before the black covered them an the strongest force he'd ever felt in his life dragged them down. Light zoomed towards them, and he could hear Rebecca screaming-

'Neechan!'

'Huh… Roudy?'

'Neechan, are you-' Roudy and L'risia looked around as two bright orbs filled their immediate worlds and the screeching of tires filled their ears.

'MOVE!'

'Ugh…what the hell was that…'

'Um… Val…where….are we?'

Val looked around, and stared up at the buildings.

'…oh…shit.'

'BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHHA!'

'I don't think it's that funny …and… WHERE ARE WE?! YOU DID SOMETHING DIDN'T YOU?! AND WHERE'S VAL-SAMA!? WHAT DID YOU DO!?'