SEVEN: AND THEN THERE WERE THREE
"Mom?" Rory balanced the receiver between her chin and her shoulder as she shifted her pile of books from one hand to the other. Her backpack was feeling unusually heavy as she leaned against the public telephone booth.
"Rory? Where are you?" Lorelai asked. "You were supposed to be home an hour ago. If we're late, your grandmother is going to hit the roof… probably using us."
"Okay, when I say this, don't get mad…"
"Hmm. Words that are usually proceeded by me hopping around the room in a raging frenzy. What now?"
"I can't make it to dinner tonight," Rory held her breath as soon as she had said it, waiting for the outburst that was sure to come.
"What?!"
"You said you weren't going to get mad."
"Rory, you can't do this to me. You're the buffer. You're like Siam in the nineteenth century; the neutral state between the British and France colonies in Burma and Indochina."
"What?"
"I read an encyclopedia when I was waiting for you," explained Lorelai. "Bottom line is, if you bail, there will be no limit to my mother's tyranny. At least with you there, she would keep things to a decent, civilized level. If she knows you're not coming, she's going to bring out the hose for Japanese water torture."
"Okay, I'm not sure if you know this, but grandma isn't Hitler. But I'll give you the number of Amnesty International if you want."
"Not funny."
"Look, mom," Rory sighed, "You know I would go if I could. I was about to hop on the bus when Paris reached out, grabbed my backpack and literally threw me back into Chilton. Apparently there was a student council meeting that I forgot about. Well, not so much forgot, as Paris neglected to tell me. On purpose."
"Can't you skip it? Tell them you have a family crisis. Your mother is dying."
"You're not dying."
"I will be if you make me go there alone."
"Luke will be there."
"True," said Lorelai. "But he's not skilled in the arts of Emily Diversion 101. You, on the other hand, have eighteen years of field training."
"If you want, I'll give him a call and run him through the basics," Rory said. "All you really have to do is look doe-eyed and smile anyways."
"Have you even *met* Luke?"
"Point taken," said Rory. "But you know, I told you this whole thing would turn out badly, but did you listen to me? No. You just had to run out and get engaged to Luke. Now look at this mess."
"It wouldn't be a mess if you just came along."
"You got yourself into this all on your own," said Rory. "And I really can't squeeze out of this meeting. I tried, but Paris is immovable. And it won't be that bad. Things always turn out better than you expect them to be… especially with grandma, since you always expect the worst."
"She is the worst. I saw her eat an orphan once."
"You did not," Rory looked at her watch hurriedly. "Look, mom, I really have to go. The meeting's about to start and if I'm late I think Paris might raze and pillage a neighboring school. I'll see you tonight."
"Don't go! I'll pay you fifty dollars if you come to dinner tonight."
"Bye mom," said Rory. "It'll be fine."
"One hundred… and you can borrow my black sweater whenever you want."
"Tempting, but that black sweater is mine. Borrowing it and not giving it back does not make it yours. Anyways, there's no way for me to get back to Stars Hollow."
"I'll drive you!"
"By the time you get here and back, we'll be late for dinner," said Rory. "And I really have to go now. Sorry, mom, you'll have to go it alone this time."
"Devil child!"
"Bye."
Lorelai sighed. "Bye."
*
Luke knocked on the door. The night hadn't even started yet and he was already getting irritated. He was not used to wearing these kind of clothes – he felt like he couldn't breathe in them. He adjusted his collar anxiously and tried to loosen it, but failed miserably.
Lorelai opened the door. "You're here."
"In the flesh," said Luke. "Where's Rory?"
"Young Judas Iscariot has a student council meeting," said Lorelai bitterly. "She won't be joining us."
"Ah," Luke nodded. "So can we go and just get this over with?"
"Believe me, I want this done with as much as you," said Lorelai as she stepped out and locked the door behind her. She looked at Luke and nodded approvingly. "Nice duds."
"I hate this," said Luke, looking at his clothes. He was wearing a dark blue, long-sleeved collared shirt, and a smart pair of black slacks. "It's suffocating, I feel like I'm burning up, and I'll probably be sweating like a pig before the night's over."
"Well, it's not considered formal if it's not uncomfortable," said Lorelai. "Ooh, a tie would really impress my mother. Do you have a tie?"
"I'm not wearing a tie," said Luke as he walked over to his truck. "And which moron came up with the idea of wearing ties? What, he suddenly thought 'hey, I'll just tie a piece of cloth around my neck'? And don't even get me started on how much they cost these days. It's ridiculous that they would charge you so much for a strip of fabric. You would think the damn things are made out of gold or something."
"Wow, my mom is so going to like you."
"I've met your mom," said Luke. "And while we're on that point, I don't see why she wants to see me again."
"You have to come to Friday night dinner if you intend on being part of the family," said Lorelai. "She pretends it's just a casual, family thing, but actually, its main purpose is interrogation."
"What?"
"Oh, yeah, sure you've seen her around, at the diner, and at Rory's birthday party, and at the hospital, and everything like that," said Lorelai, "But that's all… 'outside'. She wants you on her home turf, where she wields unstoppable power. Basically, it's all about information. She wants it, you give it to her."
"What information?"
"The usual. Your job, your life, your values, your finances, your beliefs, your family, and the million dollar question of what makes you think you're good enough to be part of this elite family. If you answer wrong, she'll pull out your fingernails."
"She can't be that bad."
"A group of her ex-maids have actually set up a support group at the local community center," said Lorelai. "They're having a telethon next week to raise funds. Susan Sarandon is scheduled for a guest appearance. She's very civic conscious."
"Great."
"And also, if you're scared, don't show it," said Lorelai. "She like a dog – if she senses fear, she'll go straight for your throat. Now, normally it would be good to have something to serve as a distraction if she gets too personal. Usually, that's Rory, but since she's not here, we'll have to work out a system of our own."
"How about I light up a flare and fire some tear gas at her."
"Nope. I think that would just infuriate her."
"Will you just get in the truck?" Luke opened the door at the passenger side.
"Such a gentleman," said Lorelai as she climbed in.
Luke slammed the door shut after her, and then climbed in the driver's seat.
*
"So what's our story?"
"Hmm?" Lorelai turned from the window to look at Luke.
"Our story. You said you were going to think of something to tell your mother."
"Oh, yes. Well, I was very creative this morning, so I have two. You tell me which one is better," said Lorelai. "The first one involves you, me and a snowman…"
"What's the other one?"
"I haven't even finished yet. The snowman one is really cool – in the story, I get to wear a cool scarf and everything. And I even found a way to fit in some tobogganing."
"What's with you and tobogganing?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai. "Okay, if you don't like the first story, then you're going to love the second one. But before that, I need to know how you feel about dinosaurs."
"What?"
"Okay! Fine! You caught me. I have nothing!"
"What?"
"I couldn't think of anything! I've been trying for the last two days and nothing came up," Lorelai said, agitated. "I watched six romantic comedies and let me tell you, none of the stories seemed like anything my mother would believe. Unless you want to count 'Pretty Woman', but I'm not sure how my mother would react to me being a prostitute, and you being my client."
"What?"
"Will you stop saying that?"
"So basically you're telling me that we're ten minutes from your mother's place," said Luke, "With no story about why we're getting married?"
"Yes, that would be the core point of my rambling."
"Okay," Luke took a deep breath, "We'll just think of something now."
"Good idea," said Lorelai. "Two heads are better than one."
"And if you think about it, we already have most of the basics covered," said Luke. "Because we don't have to think about how we met, or how we know each other, or my job or my background or anything like that."
"Ooh, yes. I have an idea," said Lorelai. "I learnt this exercise at a business seminar once. Apparently, the first idea you have is almost always the best choice. So I'll fire some rapid questions at you, and the first answer you give will be the story we'll use. Quick: When did we start dating?"
"Erm… four months ago."
"Only four months and I agreed to marry you? Wow, I must be easier than I thought."
"Lorelai…"
"Okay. Fine. Four. Why didn't I tell my mother?"
"Because you wanted to see where this was going before you told anyone about it."
"Oh! Good one! Yes. We'll definitely use that. When did you first realize you fell completely in love with me?"
"July sixteenth, 1991."
"What?"
"Erm. Around that time," said Luke, flustered. "1991… ish."
"Ah, so you're using that 'carrying a torch for many years' storyline. Good, very good. Very believable, and gives the story a touch of emotion. Well done, Luke."
"Yeah," said Luke quietly.
*
"There you are," said Emily as she opened the door. "Where is Rory?"
"Rory can't make it," Lorelai explained. "She has something to do at school."
"Well, that's a shame. Your father can't make it either. He had a last minute business trip planned, so he's going to miss this one, I'm afraid." said Emily. She turned to Luke and smiled. "Luke. It's nice to see you again."
"Same here," said Luke. As an afterthought, he added: "Ma'am."
"Oh, please," said Emily, as she ushered them in. "Ma'am makes me feel absolutely ancient. Call me Emily."
"All right," said Luke, nervously, as he adjusted his collar absent mindedly. "Emily."
"There, it sounds better, doesn't it?" said Emily. "I'll go tell Lucy to get the dinner ready." She walked off into the kitchen.
"So far so good?" Lorelai turned to Luke.
"So far so good," Luke echoed, nodding.
"Yes, but this isn't even just the beginning," said Lorelai. "Round one is drinks. That's only where she gets warmed up, but what you really have to be careful off is round two, which is dinner. That's the real danger zone."
"Got it."
"Now, you've got to have the perfect balance of conversation, and quiet reservation," said Lorelai. "You talk too much, she'll get irritated – yours truly being Exhibit A. If you talk too little, she'll think you're rude and anti-social. Both extremes result in the Emily Kiss of Death, so you've got to find a happy medium."
"So basically - don't talk too much, and don't talk too little."
"Yes. And don't forget compliments. She loves compliments."
"Okay."
"And don't insult her."
"Really," said Luke, with sarcasm. "Anything else? Do I need to jump through a burning hoop after dessert or something?"
"If you think it will help, then yes, but she's normally not a big circus fan, so you might want to keep the theatrics to a minimum."
"I was kidding."
"Rule number 732 of the Gilmore House. You never kid," said Lorelai. "Boy, I should have prepped you for this much sooner."
Emily came back in. "Dinner will be ready in a moment. Can I get you two something to drink?"
Lorelai whispered to Luke: "Ladies and gentlemen, round one commencing."
* to be continued *
"Mom?" Rory balanced the receiver between her chin and her shoulder as she shifted her pile of books from one hand to the other. Her backpack was feeling unusually heavy as she leaned against the public telephone booth.
"Rory? Where are you?" Lorelai asked. "You were supposed to be home an hour ago. If we're late, your grandmother is going to hit the roof… probably using us."
"Okay, when I say this, don't get mad…"
"Hmm. Words that are usually proceeded by me hopping around the room in a raging frenzy. What now?"
"I can't make it to dinner tonight," Rory held her breath as soon as she had said it, waiting for the outburst that was sure to come.
"What?!"
"You said you weren't going to get mad."
"Rory, you can't do this to me. You're the buffer. You're like Siam in the nineteenth century; the neutral state between the British and France colonies in Burma and Indochina."
"What?"
"I read an encyclopedia when I was waiting for you," explained Lorelai. "Bottom line is, if you bail, there will be no limit to my mother's tyranny. At least with you there, she would keep things to a decent, civilized level. If she knows you're not coming, she's going to bring out the hose for Japanese water torture."
"Okay, I'm not sure if you know this, but grandma isn't Hitler. But I'll give you the number of Amnesty International if you want."
"Not funny."
"Look, mom," Rory sighed, "You know I would go if I could. I was about to hop on the bus when Paris reached out, grabbed my backpack and literally threw me back into Chilton. Apparently there was a student council meeting that I forgot about. Well, not so much forgot, as Paris neglected to tell me. On purpose."
"Can't you skip it? Tell them you have a family crisis. Your mother is dying."
"You're not dying."
"I will be if you make me go there alone."
"Luke will be there."
"True," said Lorelai. "But he's not skilled in the arts of Emily Diversion 101. You, on the other hand, have eighteen years of field training."
"If you want, I'll give him a call and run him through the basics," Rory said. "All you really have to do is look doe-eyed and smile anyways."
"Have you even *met* Luke?"
"Point taken," said Rory. "But you know, I told you this whole thing would turn out badly, but did you listen to me? No. You just had to run out and get engaged to Luke. Now look at this mess."
"It wouldn't be a mess if you just came along."
"You got yourself into this all on your own," said Rory. "And I really can't squeeze out of this meeting. I tried, but Paris is immovable. And it won't be that bad. Things always turn out better than you expect them to be… especially with grandma, since you always expect the worst."
"She is the worst. I saw her eat an orphan once."
"You did not," Rory looked at her watch hurriedly. "Look, mom, I really have to go. The meeting's about to start and if I'm late I think Paris might raze and pillage a neighboring school. I'll see you tonight."
"Don't go! I'll pay you fifty dollars if you come to dinner tonight."
"Bye mom," said Rory. "It'll be fine."
"One hundred… and you can borrow my black sweater whenever you want."
"Tempting, but that black sweater is mine. Borrowing it and not giving it back does not make it yours. Anyways, there's no way for me to get back to Stars Hollow."
"I'll drive you!"
"By the time you get here and back, we'll be late for dinner," said Rory. "And I really have to go now. Sorry, mom, you'll have to go it alone this time."
"Devil child!"
"Bye."
Lorelai sighed. "Bye."
*
Luke knocked on the door. The night hadn't even started yet and he was already getting irritated. He was not used to wearing these kind of clothes – he felt like he couldn't breathe in them. He adjusted his collar anxiously and tried to loosen it, but failed miserably.
Lorelai opened the door. "You're here."
"In the flesh," said Luke. "Where's Rory?"
"Young Judas Iscariot has a student council meeting," said Lorelai bitterly. "She won't be joining us."
"Ah," Luke nodded. "So can we go and just get this over with?"
"Believe me, I want this done with as much as you," said Lorelai as she stepped out and locked the door behind her. She looked at Luke and nodded approvingly. "Nice duds."
"I hate this," said Luke, looking at his clothes. He was wearing a dark blue, long-sleeved collared shirt, and a smart pair of black slacks. "It's suffocating, I feel like I'm burning up, and I'll probably be sweating like a pig before the night's over."
"Well, it's not considered formal if it's not uncomfortable," said Lorelai. "Ooh, a tie would really impress my mother. Do you have a tie?"
"I'm not wearing a tie," said Luke as he walked over to his truck. "And which moron came up with the idea of wearing ties? What, he suddenly thought 'hey, I'll just tie a piece of cloth around my neck'? And don't even get me started on how much they cost these days. It's ridiculous that they would charge you so much for a strip of fabric. You would think the damn things are made out of gold or something."
"Wow, my mom is so going to like you."
"I've met your mom," said Luke. "And while we're on that point, I don't see why she wants to see me again."
"You have to come to Friday night dinner if you intend on being part of the family," said Lorelai. "She pretends it's just a casual, family thing, but actually, its main purpose is interrogation."
"What?"
"Oh, yeah, sure you've seen her around, at the diner, and at Rory's birthday party, and at the hospital, and everything like that," said Lorelai, "But that's all… 'outside'. She wants you on her home turf, where she wields unstoppable power. Basically, it's all about information. She wants it, you give it to her."
"What information?"
"The usual. Your job, your life, your values, your finances, your beliefs, your family, and the million dollar question of what makes you think you're good enough to be part of this elite family. If you answer wrong, she'll pull out your fingernails."
"She can't be that bad."
"A group of her ex-maids have actually set up a support group at the local community center," said Lorelai. "They're having a telethon next week to raise funds. Susan Sarandon is scheduled for a guest appearance. She's very civic conscious."
"Great."
"And also, if you're scared, don't show it," said Lorelai. "She like a dog – if she senses fear, she'll go straight for your throat. Now, normally it would be good to have something to serve as a distraction if she gets too personal. Usually, that's Rory, but since she's not here, we'll have to work out a system of our own."
"How about I light up a flare and fire some tear gas at her."
"Nope. I think that would just infuriate her."
"Will you just get in the truck?" Luke opened the door at the passenger side.
"Such a gentleman," said Lorelai as she climbed in.
Luke slammed the door shut after her, and then climbed in the driver's seat.
*
"So what's our story?"
"Hmm?" Lorelai turned from the window to look at Luke.
"Our story. You said you were going to think of something to tell your mother."
"Oh, yes. Well, I was very creative this morning, so I have two. You tell me which one is better," said Lorelai. "The first one involves you, me and a snowman…"
"What's the other one?"
"I haven't even finished yet. The snowman one is really cool – in the story, I get to wear a cool scarf and everything. And I even found a way to fit in some tobogganing."
"What's with you and tobogganing?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai. "Okay, if you don't like the first story, then you're going to love the second one. But before that, I need to know how you feel about dinosaurs."
"What?"
"Okay! Fine! You caught me. I have nothing!"
"What?"
"I couldn't think of anything! I've been trying for the last two days and nothing came up," Lorelai said, agitated. "I watched six romantic comedies and let me tell you, none of the stories seemed like anything my mother would believe. Unless you want to count 'Pretty Woman', but I'm not sure how my mother would react to me being a prostitute, and you being my client."
"What?"
"Will you stop saying that?"
"So basically you're telling me that we're ten minutes from your mother's place," said Luke, "With no story about why we're getting married?"
"Yes, that would be the core point of my rambling."
"Okay," Luke took a deep breath, "We'll just think of something now."
"Good idea," said Lorelai. "Two heads are better than one."
"And if you think about it, we already have most of the basics covered," said Luke. "Because we don't have to think about how we met, or how we know each other, or my job or my background or anything like that."
"Ooh, yes. I have an idea," said Lorelai. "I learnt this exercise at a business seminar once. Apparently, the first idea you have is almost always the best choice. So I'll fire some rapid questions at you, and the first answer you give will be the story we'll use. Quick: When did we start dating?"
"Erm… four months ago."
"Only four months and I agreed to marry you? Wow, I must be easier than I thought."
"Lorelai…"
"Okay. Fine. Four. Why didn't I tell my mother?"
"Because you wanted to see where this was going before you told anyone about it."
"Oh! Good one! Yes. We'll definitely use that. When did you first realize you fell completely in love with me?"
"July sixteenth, 1991."
"What?"
"Erm. Around that time," said Luke, flustered. "1991… ish."
"Ah, so you're using that 'carrying a torch for many years' storyline. Good, very good. Very believable, and gives the story a touch of emotion. Well done, Luke."
"Yeah," said Luke quietly.
*
"There you are," said Emily as she opened the door. "Where is Rory?"
"Rory can't make it," Lorelai explained. "She has something to do at school."
"Well, that's a shame. Your father can't make it either. He had a last minute business trip planned, so he's going to miss this one, I'm afraid." said Emily. She turned to Luke and smiled. "Luke. It's nice to see you again."
"Same here," said Luke. As an afterthought, he added: "Ma'am."
"Oh, please," said Emily, as she ushered them in. "Ma'am makes me feel absolutely ancient. Call me Emily."
"All right," said Luke, nervously, as he adjusted his collar absent mindedly. "Emily."
"There, it sounds better, doesn't it?" said Emily. "I'll go tell Lucy to get the dinner ready." She walked off into the kitchen.
"So far so good?" Lorelai turned to Luke.
"So far so good," Luke echoed, nodding.
"Yes, but this isn't even just the beginning," said Lorelai. "Round one is drinks. That's only where she gets warmed up, but what you really have to be careful off is round two, which is dinner. That's the real danger zone."
"Got it."
"Now, you've got to have the perfect balance of conversation, and quiet reservation," said Lorelai. "You talk too much, she'll get irritated – yours truly being Exhibit A. If you talk too little, she'll think you're rude and anti-social. Both extremes result in the Emily Kiss of Death, so you've got to find a happy medium."
"So basically - don't talk too much, and don't talk too little."
"Yes. And don't forget compliments. She loves compliments."
"Okay."
"And don't insult her."
"Really," said Luke, with sarcasm. "Anything else? Do I need to jump through a burning hoop after dessert or something?"
"If you think it will help, then yes, but she's normally not a big circus fan, so you might want to keep the theatrics to a minimum."
"I was kidding."
"Rule number 732 of the Gilmore House. You never kid," said Lorelai. "Boy, I should have prepped you for this much sooner."
Emily came back in. "Dinner will be ready in a moment. Can I get you two something to drink?"
Lorelai whispered to Luke: "Ladies and gentlemen, round one commencing."
* to be continued *
